Stickman Readers' Submissions July 13th, 2013

Thai Thoughts And Anecdotes Part 388

Greetings Dana fans, fans, and ceiling fans (Fa loves that joke). Here is Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 388 (does anyone remember me retiring at #77?). Enjoy. It is all about our camera future. I am not a camera hound but sometimes I just have to step up and help humanity.


He Clinic Bangkok

Ever have something bug you so much that your mind can not let it go? Last weekend I was supposed to spend Saturday chillin' in my crib and messin' with the bitches, then on Sunday hip hop down to Funkytown and hang with my bros. I'm a light skinned black. Rappin' and puttin' boogy in my step are what I am all about. Instead I wrote this article. I hope you like it. I was of a mind to do a rant rap but I settled more for observational scientific academia. Or something. Peace motherfxxxers. Oh wait, first a Dana Note:

Note: recently the office girls at Dana Enterprises here on South Pattaya Road in Pattaya have noticed a huge increase in international requests of pictures of me riding a horse wearing only a Speedo bathing suit (me, not the horse). Server filtering and other computer stuff probably too complicated for you to understand has pointed the finger at a carrot crunching nutter in Chiang Mai. We know who he is and this is now a police matter. We will honor all requests for these pictures (pics to the smart set) up to this date even if we have reason to believe they are bogus, but requests after this date will be shredded for the bottom of the bird cages. And now today's main event:


CBD bangkok

Hello photography enthusiasts: I can't be the only one. I'm getting sick to death of hearing the 'it-fits-in-your-pocket' brigade in Thailand brag about their digital cameras. Did they invent these cameras? No. Did they manufacture these cameras? No. Do they hold any patents on these cameras? No. Did they do the original drawings for these cameras? No. But you can't shut them up. These cameras on their person are now talismans of specialness augmenting them.

Well, normally I am too busy to get involved in juvenilia but just to shut these guys up I have invented the ultimate digital camera. I call it the Dana Digital Wonder Camera (DDWC). First of all it has a faster, sharper optical system. Way bitchin' better dude. The Dana Digital Wonder Camera employs a fast f/8 ACF system with high-contrast baffling that guarantees crisp, pinpoint imaging to the very edge of the field. It has an internal Crayford-style zero image-shift focusing system. Don't know what this means? You need to buy this camera. Constructed of stainless steel and aircraft grade aluminum the mount presents a rock solid platform with precision roller bearings on both axes, brass worms, 225-tooth aluminum gears, a fully computerized GoTo mount with GPS, super stable tripod (the camera weighs 812 pounds), and a fully washable snap-on attachment to hold beef jerky strips.

How skilled do you have to be to use this Dana digital wonder camera? You don't have to know nothin'. This camera automatically takes pictures that would make God weep. Note: this camera take pictures, not pics. Just a personal thing. I hate the word pics. Anyway, you know that guy Ansel Adams who was always yelling at his mules to get out of the rim-of-the-canyon sun shot? Mr. Nature? Mr. Artist? Mr. Sensitive? He'd have beaten a fellow picture taker senseless with a latrine shovel to get one of these cameras. Yes, that's right; this camera may foster violence and be responsible for the deaths of others but I don't care. The ultimate digital camera had to happen. You can't stop progress. Bye-the-way, you might be wondering how you would transport this 812 pound digital wonder to the top of Mount Shasta to take a picture of a crystal. Simple. Just tie two mules together side-by-side like a catamaran. As usual, I have to do all the thinking.

Anyway, target acquisition on your imaging sensor is automatic. I told you. You don't have to know diddly squat. A nineteen inch monitor screen is attached for instant computer viewing, you carry the cube in a backpack, and a communications radar dish on a telescoping pole attaches to a headband on your head. Yes, all of these were my ideas. I invented this digital camera. Be careful with the head mounted radar dish in a high wind. You could get your head ripped off. Just sayin'. I know what you are thinking. You are thinking: "Hey, Mr. Hotstuff Inventor, what about telephoto lenses?" Way ahead of you Mr. 'It-Fits-In-Your-Pocket'. Telephoto lenses for this ultimate digital camera will be manufactured to look like standard issue RPG's so no one in a crowd will object to you pointing a camera at them. Question: when is the last time you heard someone say that pointing an RPG at them would steal their soul? Exactly. They won't even know you are taking a picture of them. They'll just assume someone is pointing highly illegal tank busting uranium tipped military ordinance at them. Neat, huh; and I believe this functions as a good example of the kind of advanced thinking that has gone into the design of this camera from dream to reality.

wonderland clinic

Additional details and miscellanea gleaned from patent paperwork and patent application schematics, manufacturers notes, prototype field use feedback, and personal experiences: not necessarily to appear in marketing or advertising materials but of interest anyway especially if you are a visionary photography gearhead like myself. To wit: full frame image buffer, even illustration photometric shutter, 10 Mp/sec download, RPG style telephoto lenses available in four colors, 32-bit and 64-bit Windows Software, infrared capabilities, anti-theft pulsating siren, STF-8300 8.3 Megapixel Monochrome side mounted camera for preliminary shot field capture (my original idea from old astronomy days), integrated FW5-8300 filter wheel, dry ice container for box of canolies, thermos for Vietnamese noodle soup, 36mm LRGB and H-alpha filters, eyepiece image fidelity maximized by glass matched multi-coatings and anti-reflection surfaces, laminated document pages (Guarantees, Warranties, and Instruction manuals), carbon fiber apochromatic refractor, motorized filter wheel (an option), backpack strobe light (an option), 10" pneumatic tripod wheels, application forms for Dana Digital Wonder Camera Fan Club (DDWCFC), T-shirts that say DDWC front and back, no off-axis astigmatism across a large field due to Flomberie Doodymacs (some kind of French thing), button activated electric motor that triggers turning mechanism for your head mounted radar dish (or you can just move your feet), chest apparatus (patent pending) to support tired arms, two three foot long ten pound steel stabilizer bars attached to camera, tripod mounted portable bar (optional), GPS system for on-site logbook entries, tape recorder for on-site notes, and belly pack for iPhone and iPad. Special personal note: the bottom of the tripod buggy system has a triangular piece of half inch epoxy coated Brunzeel plywood. This is where the three 60 pound batteries sit. However, in my case this is where my dog Rufus sits (mostly lies). He likes to come with me on photo excursions but his legs and feet and knees aren't what they used to be.

Rufus: I don't always feel tip top. Bark. Woof.

So what to do with the batteries? Simple. I wear a mountain climbing harness with a snap hook on the back and pull a little red wagon behind me that has the three 60 pound batteries in it. Something to think about and an excellent example of engineers solving problems. Any downside to this? Well, if you are about to take a picture of the rising sun through the feathers of a hummingbird's wing and Rufus starts scratching because of fleas you can get a migraine headache. Trust me on this. Carry flea powder. Anyway, that is a partial list of additional features and benefits and details and miscellanea regarding the new Dana Digital Wonder Camera that should make the current Thailand digital 'It-Fits-In-Your-Pocket' brigade shut up.

Contact this website's webmaster (or abused office staff) for shipping, monogramming, packaging, insurance issues, and T-shirt size and color offerings. No, I am not available for instruction manual signings or personal time of any kind. What were you thinking? And what of the price? Well, here at Dana Central we don't really know yet. So just send us all the money you have and any money we do not need we will return to you. If you want to sign a waiver on this we will use any excess funds for partying. It's an option. Up to you. So that's it: the new Dana Digital Wonder Camera (DDWC).

nana plaza