Response to a Southeast Asian American Woman’s Viewpoint
Let me state that I do not totally disagree with the lady in “Viewpoint of a Southeast Asian American Woman”. One of her statements was:
Often I've read about men who cheated on their wife and used lack of sex as a reason. I don't believe in using sex as a weapon but do any of you wonder why she stopped having sex with you? If you weren't fulfilling your wife's needs, would that be a valid excuse for her to cheat? How about Thai wives who cheat on farang men because their needs were not met, whether it be financial or emotional needs?”
I agree with her that men that use this excuse are despicable. I have stated similar opinions before in these pages to the tune that if you want to meet and marry a nice girl than you have to be a nice guy. I argued here that if your sex life is unsatisfactory you need to sit down with your significant other and come to an arrangement. In civilized times this often meant finding your comfort elsewhere, with the full knowledge of your spouse, as long as it caused her no social embarrassment. The moral emptiness of mongering behind your significant other’s back because your marriage or relationship sex life does not meet your needs is a moral wrong, which is self evident with any thought/introspection. By the way, I have never known a woman capable of introspection, so it is fairly presumptuous of this lady to accuse men of failing in it. Quote:
“It seems that many of you do not have the ability to self reflect and also lack common sense.”
Male needs are needs, not options, and are just as valid as female needs. However, I note that this woman, who states she was raised in the cultural enclave of Thais in the US and therefore she is free of western culture’s flaws, still implies that women who are not having their needs met are justified in infidelity or defaulting on their marital obligations to meet their spouses sexual needs. Double standards much? I will say that this woman implying she has retained traditional Thai values, by virtue of being raised in a Thai community in the US, does not realize that she has absorbed feminism through her skin as it permeates all aspects of the media, education, and social interactions here.
Maybe I am reading this into her comments, since I am so inured to the feminist dogma that a man that cheats on his wife is a low down lying bastard who deserves to be screwed in the divorce. While a woman that cheats on her husband was forced into it by that husband who is a low down lying bastard who deserves to be screwed in the divorce. (I have personal experience of a cheating spouse that screwed me in the divorce, so I know where of I speak.) My Southeast Asian wife of five years (she is looking over my shoulder and wants me to add that we are very happy and I love her very much) has made it perfectly clear that if I am caught dipping my wick where I shouldn’t, she will not divorce me. However, said wick and the rest of my body will be going separate directions. Feeding the ducks becomes a high probability.
Another point I cannot disagree on is that the fatacalypse in the US is an equal opportunity disaster. Men are almost as likely to be obese as women. I am overweight. My nom de plume is an accurate description of myself. However, I was not always old, and not always fat or bald. I have (vague) memories of how it was to be young and fit. I do not remember Western/American women treating me any better because of that. Even at the birth of feminism, American women had their noses firmly in the air and deserved much better than any man could be, or provide. I will say the only positive feedback I got as a young man out in the discos (the original 1970s discos) was from gay guys buying me drinks. And yes I always accepted the drinks. My Irish ancestors would have risen up from their graves and cursed me if I had refused free booze. I usually was polite enough to chat with the guy, and always let him know I was not interested. They almost always took it politely with good graces. I always appreciated knowing that at least someone thought I was attractive.
We also cannot deny that she is correct when she says:
“Often these men stereotype Thai women as gold diggers, liars, manipulative, money hungry whores.”
Where she is goes wrong is where she thinks we restrict this to Thai women. In my November 2009 entry, The Rosetta Stone of Women’s Behavior,
I stated that hypergamy (gold digging) is endemic in all locations and present in all women in all time periods and all cultures. This is a moral failing present overtly or covertly in all women. Men have the urge to merge with many different
partners as their moral failing. The only difference is in the west a lot of cultural restraints are placed on men’s moral failings while no restraints are allowed to be placed on the female moral failings. Usually, in the West/America,
the female moral failings are celebrated, and encouraged, as “you go girl” empowerment. My response to Who is a Whore by Korski was, “They all are.” They are all gold diggers too. Women everywhere are looking for the BBD (Bigger Better Deal), also referred to recently by Phet as stepping up. Thai women seem to be more self aware on this than western
women. Other than that I see no real difference. To most women the male is merely a stepping stone, utility, or appliance in a woman’s life.
This leads to another statement of the Southeastern Asian American Woman:
“Western women are often demonized here for being shallow but if you place such high value on sex, looks, and the accessibility of cheap sex with young girls, you are just as shallow. Perhaps this is why there is such a high divorce rate these days. You have two shallow people marrying each other with no true commitment to each other. When shiet (excuse my language) hits the fan, they are quick to run off instead of work on their problems.”
In the US there is the tendency to say if even less than 1% of men are guilty of doing anything, then all men are held responsible. While if less than 1% of women are not guilty of doing something, than no women can be held responsible. When discussing the relative shallowness of the genders this applies. A recent survey of female on line dating clients showed that the average woman on these services felt that over 80% of the men on the service were totally un-datable; based on a single photo and a one paragraph self description. How shallow you are pot, said the kettle. A mid-forties single mom by choice (never married, IVF in her late 30s) journalist recently wrote an article that said, on reflection, there may have been several men that she rejected in her past that would have made fine husbands, and greatly improved her life. She was inundated by hate mail from women castigating her for implying that any woman should settle for anything less than the man that meets all 439 of the bullet points on their requirements list. (Which no man now, or ever, could possibly meet. Often the criteria are contradictory.) She reported that the men who commented to her said they would be overjoyed if they could find any woman that met even 80% of their criteria. Those criteria that the men referred to included weight and appearance criteria. Also, the men had much more reasonable criteria, which the majority of women could meet.
As to the propensity to divorce at the first sign of trouble, the Southeastern Asian American Woman should be aware that over 70% of all divorces in the US are filed by the wife. The overwhelming majority of the stated causes are irreconcilable differences (i.e. she wasn’t happy). She then proceeds to rape the ex love of her life legally. Female survivors of (real) rape have no higher incidence of suicide than the general population of women. Male survivors of divorce rape commit suicide at levels four to five times higher than the male population in general. And men in the US are four times more likely to commit suicide than women. After being divorce raped by the (anti) family courts the man is told, well, it was your fault since you chose the wrong woman. Get back on the horse and try marriage again choosing more wisely next time. The women equally chose the man they married, but are rewarded with cash and prizes for divorcing, not penalized for their “mistake”. A woman marrying in the west/American is running no risk.
The Southeastern Asian American Woman makes a series of comments assuming she knows all of our past situations and understands the sexual marketplace in the US better than any of us men:
“I'm sorry if you've only had experiences with bad western women but at the same time, I question if it was all your evil ex-wife's fault.”
My first wife (THE BITCH) was a very beautiful and well built woman who was also a dyed in the wool feminist that felt if her slightest suggestion was not immediately obeyed then she was being oppressed. If I draped my arm over her while we were in bed going to sleep I was holding her down. Every day of our marriage was a battle for dominance. That and her many infidelities made our bad marriage her fault. Also, before marriage we discussed children, and she knew I wanted a big family. A couple of years after the wedding she let me know that she did not want kids. I refuse your assumption that any part of it was my fault. My second wife was a wonderful woman, and our marriage was successful in that it lasted until death did us part, leaving me with four fairly young children to rear on my own. She was pretty, but not beautiful, and was overweight. She was the smartest woman I have ever met. She was also a warm, loving, and kind woman. So my life experience may be greatly different than the Southeastern Asian American Woman assumes.
“…the average Thai woman is more slim than the average American women but there is no shortage of hotties here! Unless you live in rural areas, there are millions of beautiful, feminine, and slim women here in the states.”
In the US there are a small percentage of very attractive, fairly slim, and single women in my age range (i.e. old). I live in a large Midwestern city. I have found no greater percentage of attractive women in cities over rural settings so I don’t know what she is going on about. They all know they are extremely rare, which maximizes their SMP power. Unless you are Brad Pitt good looking with Bill Gates money you are beneath their contempt. So what good is the presence of a “hottie” to me? The rest of the “hotties” are way too young for me judging by American cultural standards, which the Southeastern Asian American Woman fully supports.
“Now, if you are 50s+ and wanting a relationship with a much younger woman, there is a much needed reality check. I read a submission in which a reader claims that very large age gaps are common with Asians. If I recall, this man was dating a woman half his age. I don't have statistical data for this but he's delusional.”
I believe she may be referring to me. I may be delusional. I wrestled with reality for a long time; then I won. My current wife of five happy years was a 25 year old virgin bride, and less than half my age at that time. She is now more than half my age so she must be catching up. Before meeting my current wife I too had the same cultural bias as the Southeastern Asian American Woman. When I came back from a trip to the Philippines and told my friends who were married to Filipinas that I had not met any nice girls, they told me that no nice girl would have anything to do with a tourist, and that I had to be introduced. I asked to be introduced to single women over 35; as I felt 15 years between myself and a woman was the absolute max to sustain a relationship.
Several women less than 35 contacted me. One gorgeous eighteen year old mother of a 2 year old was so insistent that I had to block her email and IM to make it clear I was not interested. There are going to be a lot of young women looking for a sugar daddy; it is up to you to screen them out. The Southeastern Asian American Woman is correct there. When my wife contacted me I told her right off that she was too young (23) and nothing could develop between us. She was very articulate, persistent, and a lot of fun to chat with on line so I didn’t block her. Remember that over 90% of the intercourse between a man and wife is still a four letter word ending in k; talk. Eventually she brought her mother in to convince me that she was not too young. When we set up our first in person meeting I know that both of us were very conscious of the possibility of no “chemistry” due to the age difference. We have discussed it many times over the years. We were both pleasantly surprised.
I spent a week with her family before our first date. (All our dates over the next two years were chaperoned, as is only correct for a conservative religious properly brought up lady.) You do not marry a Southeastern Asian woman; you marry her family, so get to know them first. My family, including most definitely my children, was very negative about this woman due to the age difference. Her family raised all kinds of issues, since I was the first foreigner to come into the family, but never brought up the age difference. Finally I asked her retired High School principal aunt (head of the inquisition) what they felt about the age difference. She had a blank look and asked, “What age difference?” She said I looked like I was in my forties (men age very quickly and harshly in the Philippines sun) and she was in her twenties so the age difference was ideal. I noted that her mother was 17 years younger than her father (deceased), and was living with a man that was 15 years older than her (still is). All of my wife’s aunts were married to men 15 to 20 years older than they were. So, the Southeastern Asian American Woman’s observation is not universal to all Southeast Asian culture in all locations, just to her limited experience. Let me add that these were not impoverished peasants working in the rice fields. Her family is made up of solidly middle class politicians (I know, I would have preferred an honest criminal), school administrators, teachers, lawyers, accountants, and doctors. They also own considerable property; a lot more than I do. They went over my finances with a fine tooth comb.
In conclusion, there is some small amount of truth in what the Southeastern Asian American Woman says. But each kernel of truth is heavily fertilized by a large amount of manure. To her credit she is probably unaware of just how much of what she believes is really BS. She needs to check her assumptions and her female privilege.
I had written a VERY long response to what you have said but in the end decided to cut 95% of it. I will simply make a few comments on the general phenomena of Western men who end up in South-East Asia or with a South-East Asian woman who speak ill of women in the West.
I just wish there was more honesty amongst Western men in South-East Asia when it comes to women back home. There's too much blame and unnecessary nasty comments which seem to me to often be an attempt to justify their actions. Why not just come out and say that as age catches up with guys and girls, it can be hard to find an attractive, younger, attractive woman in the West whereas that option remains in South-East Asia. That seems to me to be fair, and honest. The whole issue is complicated by the fact that no small number of these men refuse to acknowledge the utter hypocrisy that in many cases they have let themselves go physically, may have (often serious) mental issues and may have had some financial setbacks along the way.