Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 384

SHE SAID SHE WAS FROM CRACOW

Dana here typing at Starbucks. I've got my WWI artillery spotting scope so that I can keep an eye on the boardwalk while I am writing. What's on tap for today? Well, for those cognoscenti of the Pattaya scene I have seen with my own eyes pictures of Pattaya Gary with a chicken. They are both wearing little blue dresses.

Now, since Pattaya Gary is an alpha male who can have any woman; I'm thinkin' this must be some chicken. This must be a rockin' beast of sexuality and hormones that'll make a weak man think of marriage. Still, I've seen pictures. She's a chicken. The kind of thing you would toss off a roof and throw rocks at. What is Gary doing with this chicken? He is walking around with her in his arms. Petting her and talking to her. To tell you the truth I don't feel good about this. I liked him better when he was just hanging out and smiling at every girl that came up to him. Anyway, not judging; just sayin'.

And the chicken (her name is Brandi) has incredibly skinny legs and really really big feet. Personally I would not be attracted to a woman with incredibly skinny legs and really big feet. But again, it is Pattaya Gary. I mean really, if I can be scientifically objective about this, Pattaya Gary has more experience with females than I can even dream of. So who am I to be critical or even observational? It is none of my business.

And as for the possibility of Gary and Brandi engaging in adult behavior, I am sure nothing like that is going on. Somehow that just seems wrong. I doubt if even one of us has had that thought. I'm no prude and I support hotel room love but I am sure nothing like that is going on. I mean, it is a chicken. Look up the word 'platonic' in the dictionary and get your mind out of the gutter. At least that is what I think I think.

Anyway, if any of you have any information or photos on this subject send them in to the Dana Central office on South Pattaya Road. We will check all text messages for truth and don't even think of being clever with some Photoshop nonsense. We know Photoshopped stuff when we see it and you are not going to fool us. Anyway, some of this Pattaya Gary-chicken information I got from Fa on the boardwalk so we know that it is 100% true and every alleged fact has been checked, double-checked, and checked again. So that is kinda where we are at right now with this whole Pattaya Gary and a chicken thing. Really not so strange if you remember that Isaan ladies love their water buffalos and have pet names for them.

Oops, I see him coming towards Starbucks and he has that goddamned chicken named Brandi in his arms. I'm splittin' out the side door. I don't want to be involved. I do not want to say that I am embarrassed for him but what do I do if he says Brandi has a chicken friend for me to meet? Exactly. Didn't think of that did you. Anyway, I'm haulin' ass out the side door. If you want to catch up with me I'll be at the office until five and then at the stage door of Tiffany's for both shows. After the shows trannies come out into the parking lot to have their pictures taken by tourists and I am there panting like an eighty year old in a three-legged sack race.

Anyway and finally, I mean what's next? Is the greatest alpha male to have ever lived going to start buying French love song CD's, dress in floral print shirts and little short shorts, or have a traditional Thai costume tourist photo taken of him and Brandi the chicken? The mind boggles. Some train wrecks you just do not want to see so I am slipping out the side entrance on Soi Yamato. Nothing makes a bigger sound in your personal life than the crash of an idol and if Gary keeps carrying that goddamned chicken around I just do not want to be seen with him. There, I've said it.

And as for the whole Brandi thing. He tells everyone her name is Brandi to make things seem a little more normal but I saw her mamasan I.D. card with photo at Superbabies and her real name is Cluck-Cluck. Cluck-Cluck the chicken. Next he'll be telling people she is not a chicken, she just got off the bus from Isaan. Not to ramble, but if this chick just got off of a bus from Isaan, it is because she escaped from Somchai's rooftop luggage. And then, hard up for sunflower seed money, she ended up dancing and smiling and head bobbing at Superbabies. An old story.

So now, Pattaya Gary: legend, alpha male, 32" waist and 32" biceps, has a new Thai lady companion and her name is Cluck-Cluck. Normally, you wouldn't think twice about a woman's name like that in the Kingdom. After all, Thai ladies have names like TeeTee, YaYa, JeJe, and GaiGai. Ok, no hyphens, but you get the idea.

However, in this case her name is Cluck-Cluck because SHE IS A CHICKEN. That's right. Gary has fallen for a sexy little chicken slut and she has got him doing things you would not normally expect him to be doing. For example (and to repeat): I have seen pictures of them vacationing in the Philippines (what happens in the Philippines stays in the Philippines) and they are both wearing little blue dresses.

But who am I to judge what attracts a man to a woman or a woman to a man? Some relationships just work from the very first second. And some ladies can be awfully charming. Gary told me that when he first met Cluck-Cluck (oh excuse me, Brandi) the conversation went something like this:

Gary: Wow, this is a very attractive short blue dress you are wearing.

Cluck-Cluck: Thank-you, I call it my airplane dress.

Gary: Why is that?

Cluck-Cluck: Because when I raise my wings over my head you can see all the way up to the cockpit.

I confess, I can almost see the attraction. A Pattaya bar, music, lights, drinks, laughter and a sexy slut chicken with no pants. Gary was on her like a bad suit on a used car salesman. He was out of the gate like a prisoner trying to beat searchlights. He was slobbering like a junkyard dog staring at a meat wagon. He was . . . you get the idea.

I myself once picked up a dancing fool sexy midget at the Lollipop Bar in the Nana Entertainment Plaza in Bangkok. If anyone was staring at us in a disapproving or judgemental or just overly observational way as we walked over to the Mothership I didn't notice. I imagine it was like that for Gary and Cluck-Cluck (oh, Brandi) as they walked down the boardwalk together the first time he paid her barfine (600 baht or ten pounds of sunflower seeds). Just two happy lovers hand-in-wing filled with the happy vibrations of love eternal.

Anyway, the chicken says she is from Cracow and can squawk the phrases Boom-Boom, Yum-Yum, and Ow-Ow in Polish and German. Gary told me this. Normally I would go to the wall for this guy but I am having a little trouble with this story. In most cases I'm a go-along, get-along guy. It's just easier that way. It's just easier to believe people than to examine every utterance for veracity. But if this chick's from Cracow, it is not Cracow, Poland; more like Cracow, some one buffalo berg between Khao Wong and Dong Luang that I can't find on my great big laminated map of Thailand.

My first suspicion was that she might be from some secret Isaan place between Senangkhanikhom and Phathumratchawongsa, but then looking at those place names it seemed doubtful that she would have a simple name like Cluck-Cluck. It would probably be some more complicated name like Clucksruangsuda-Clucksruangsuda. Or maybe Clucknapakapapa-Clucknapakapapa. Or maybe Cluckratharawarin-Cluckratharawarin. Or maybe Cluckpicharnmeth-Cluckpicharnmeth. Makes you kinda wonder why the mamasan I.D. card in the Superbabies Bar doesn't say CluckCluck instead of Cluck-Cluck. Anyway, see how it is easier to just believe people? Too much of this thinking can hurt the head.

Personally, all I know is what Gary tells me, with some reservations; and what I can see in the pictures. Normally, I like a player but the skinny legs and huge feet on this chick are a little off-putting for me. Hey, maybe that is just me. I don't want to look down at the end of the bed and see that my girlfriend's feet are sticking up higher under the sheets than me feet are (trannies excepted). I guess it is all about what floats your boat. Nobody was asking me for the name of the midget waitress from the Lollipop Bar either.

Gary is crazy for her and is trying to get her a featured dancer job at Superbabies. If you don't mind wet droopy feathers and wild-eyed head bobbing she could do a shower show for example. Or fly around and stab at ping pong balls with her red lipstick beak. But the Superbabies Bar is pretty much a Jap joint. It's hard to imagine Commander Nippon flippin' over a German-Polish speaking Isaan slut chicken. I guess time will tell. If I was Superbabies management I'd have Cluck-Cluck dye her feathers orange, wear gold ankle bracelets (actually rings in her case), and always be smokin' a cigarette. Again, probably just me.

Anyway, if you see Gary at the Big C, or Starbucks, or the New Orleans Restaurant on Pattaya Land 2 don't mention the chicken. It's a new relationship and he needs space. He's currently putting her up at the Lek Hotel between Soi 12 and Soi 13. Spending a fortune. Still under the anesthesia. But most especially you don't want him to start showing you fifty chicken-in-a-blue-dress pictures. Sweet Jesus on a cracker, I thought my head would explode..