Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 383

  • Written by Dana
  • June 8th, 2013
  • 7 min read



Hello kats and kittens in Stickland and in Danaland. Here are two things for you to read and to think about. One is titled EXTORTION and he other is titled GO AWAY. They both chronicle parts of my life. Enjoy

EXTORTION

Well, it had to happen. In a world of perversion and mean people and corruption and dilution of civilized values it had to happen. It was only a matter of time. I admit I did not see this coming but now that t has happened I can not honestly say that I am surprised. Disappointed? Yes. But not flabbergasted. My flabber has been gasted in the past so I am not naive about being flabbergasted but this thing is just a whole new thing.

To wit: I am now receiving emails from mongers telling me that they will not speak to Fa but only in exchange for me sending them money. In other words: extortion. Sample email:

Hello Dana

I will honor your Stay Away From Fa rule in exchange for you sending me $100 in German money once per month forever. If you do not send money then I am going to talk to her.

Sincerely yours
Horst

So, you can see where we are now. There is apparently no honor among mongers. Everything is a knife fight and my relationship with Fa has been lowered to the level of mud wrestling in a Russian bar. You give and you give and you give and what do you get? Extortion.

And no, to iterate; this is not the only email of it's kind that I have received on this issue. Merely an example of a new problem in my life. Other examples:

Attn: Dana Faggot

Stay Away From Fa? What a joke Commander Butt Plugger. I am going to talk to her and I am going to rub up against her unless you send beaucoup French francs every month.

Francois Poopdoodle
Marseilles, France

and

Hello Dana Tiny Dick

I'm talking to Fa every morning unless you leave a package of U.S. $10,000 in the bottom of the closest trash barrel to where she does her make-up every morning. Wrap the money in the Pattaymail newspaper and paint it with ten day old fish sauce that has been mixed with durian paste. No money in the trash barrel? Then your honey is going to be spending time with me.

Clyde Foopnoggle
Anal Discharge on Tyne
Sheep Dip, England

and

Greetings Meateater

Send money or you aren't going to be eating cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes exclusively with your pathetic precious little Fa anymore. And by the time I am through with her she'll be using tofu as a lubricant. Vegans rule you little liberal weanie and patriots have the American flag tattooed on their chests. Send money lameass. Stay Away From Fa. What a joke. Send money.

Bif Bart
Hard Rock, Nevada

and

Heil Dana

My name is Herr Finkelstroop Bremershnitzel of the Heidelberg Bremershnitzels. Send money or I am going to rename Fa and tattoo Fa with one word: POLAND. After renaming her Poland I am going to march all over her. Unless you send money. Send money or you are going to have to beg the world to Stay Away From Poland.

Goosesteppingly yours,
Baron Karl Freiherr von Finkelstroop Bremershnitzelheimer

I know you dear reader, humanist, advanced evolutionary example of mongerism, and Dana fan are as horrified by this as I am horrified by this. But have you in the depths of fellow monger sympathy penetrated to the hottest furnace core of this hell? To wit: what if one of these letters is bogus? Fake? What if one of these letters is something that Fa has thought up? What if I am not only paying Fa for her adult time and attention but also sending her extortion money? Yeah. What if?

It isn't easy to be me.

GO AWAY

I have been taking learn-to-speak Thai classes for some time now. Actually, the preponderance of evidence is that they have been taking me but you get the picture. Anyway, classes are on Monday and Wednesday and Thursday. Friday a Thai tone tutor (TTT) comes by my condo, Saturday I do homework, and Sunday I review. Sunday I stare into the maw of failure and continued failure. Sunday is not a good day.

After two years I can almost reliably say: Where is the bathroom? My constant linguistic nemesis is mixing up Nom and Nam. I still can not order a coke in a bar in Thai. I have been failing at this for twenty years. Apparently the Thai pronunciation for 'cola' is a mystery I will never penetrate. I have written about this in detail in the past so I will not repeat myself here. Suffice it to say that I have learned to just shout in bars KOKE. I look like an idiot and I sound like an idiot but I get served. However, I have made a lot of progress in other areas of communication. I am also sneaking up on mastering:

1. You are a jerk.
2. Go away.
3. You are lying.
4. I said 'no spice' .
5. You are a thief.
6. I hate you, your culture, and your country.
7. No human would eat this fish sauce.
8. It's not a mole, it's a war wound.
9. Anal discharge is not infectious.
10. I'm allergic to condoms.

My big dream is that someday I will be able to speak fluent Thai and be able to learn all about the wonderful people and their interesting lives.

Baby steps. In the beginning I thought asking bar girls to help me would be engaging for both of us. I found that many of them can not really speak Thai and even more many of them can not read Thai. You might assume that a native would know how to speak the native language and could offer reliable information on the subject. You would be mistaken. So my intellectual learn-to-speak Thai adventure is a mostly solitary adventure. It is hard to hold the lamp in a dark windy forest.

For our latest assignment, the teacher, Ming Ding Sing Bang; has assigned each of us quotes from English writers. We have to say the quote in Thai; complete, naturally, with correct tones. I know it seems redundant to mention tones but tones are the weak link or the strong link, depending on your point of view, in the language. The tone thing is challenging but at least we do not have to master various throat, mouth, lip, and phlegm expostulations of other languages.

Clicking, grunting, yelling, arm waving, and throat hacking come to mind. And spitting. Don't believe spitting is a legitimate part of any language? Go to rural China. And not just China. In Bermuda once I decided to save money on dental expense by going to a native (Bermudian) dentist. There were three signs in the waiting room that said:

No Spitting On The Floor

My overactive brain wondered where spitting was permitted. The ceiling, the walls, the counter? Don't believe that hacking and hocking and spitting are part of a language. Try and get the natives to talk without doing it.

Anyway, I understand that in learn-to-speak Eskimo classes you have to speak and eat blubber at the same time. I don't think I would enjoy that. Do modern Eskimos know how to text on their phones and eat blubber at the same time? I guess that would be some kind of linguistic progress. A Brazilian tribe of fearsome naked aspect speaks while clawing at bleeding eyebrows. No word on how they text on cell phones. Honk if you love wasting your time learning stupid languages of stupid people. For me, personally; trying to master spoken Japanese with all of the head bobbing would be the worst. The United States was founded in 1776 on revolution and the notion that we are all created equal. I'm not bobbing my head to anyone.

So this tone thing as a part of learn-to-speak Thai classes seems doable and reasonable. I'm not complaining, and I am locked and loaded and ready to rock. Anyway, here is my assignment. The quoted author is William Percy. I have to say this at my next Monday class in Thai.

"To another way of thinking, which cannot reconcile that mechanical conception with the diverse character, intelligence, and capabilities exhibited by different individuals of the same species, that gateway to understanding seems as far removed from truth as the anthropomorphism of a previous generation, and more apt to raise a further barrier to a sympathetic understanding of animal behavior than a revelation of it."

Wish me luck. And as a last thought, I think this assignment by my teacher is great. It means that if I ever meet a Thai that talks like this William Percy dude that I will be able to communicate with him or her. I love my teacher, and I love my Thai fluent future, and I love my learn-to-speak Thai classes..