Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 382

  • Written by Dana
  • June 1st, 2013
  • 5 min read



DANA NOTE

In a previous Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes I 'Dana Noted' that a sixty story corporate obelisk of polished black marble and reflective glass is going to be built in the maritime park in South Pattaya to house Dana Enterprises: the Dana Fan Club, Church of Dana, Danaism, archived and microfiched Dana writings available for researchers and writing teachers, the website All Dana All The Time (ADATT), Dana the Movie, Dana the Book, the Dana bar (Dana's Delight), Dana costumes and T-shirts, Dana catapults, etc and etc. We need the space. And yes, the Birdman Bar birds will be there. There will be a thirty foot statue of Fa in front of the building and a ten foot statue of me in the lobby. That's what people have told us they wanted. All costs will be covered by donations and philanthropic mongers as will as United Nations contributions.

Response has been mixed. Two examples follow:

1. "I have read about your disgusting display of disgusting maleness. If I had a sixty story tall crotch I would urinate all over your filthy disgusting building." — Suzy Barnswallow, Feminazi-on-Tyne, England.

"And no, I don't swallow."

and a second example of worldwide interest:

2. "All hail Dana. Your sixty story monger monolith of glass and marble will serve as a navigational beacon for all pilots entering or leaving Thailand from the west or the south and for all inter-Thailand flights to Pattaya. It will become part of the South-East Asian commercial and private pilots navigational tools and mythology. All hail Dana. This monger monolith is a service to mankind." — Air China pilot Fong Dong Ding Dong.

Well, as you can see; response to this building is mixed. Let us know here at Stickmanbangkok.com and at Dana Enterprises what you think.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

NEXT WEEK

Next week we may have a special commemorative submission in honor of Bernard Trink here at Dana Enterprises. In addition to the standard quotes, and poems, and introductions, and stories, and essays, and testimonials, and personal anecdotes, and pictures, and Pali chants recorded at temples we will also include a book review and a bar review and a movie review in honor of the great man. He left a large dilettante footprint and we miss him. If you have any ideas for this commemorative Bernard Trink submission send them in to Rufus, c/o Dana Enterprises in Pattaya. Rufus is the office dog but it allows us to sort through the mail quickly. Do not include dog food or dog treats. The mail just gets ripped open at the post office and we never see it.

DRESSED IN CAMO

Last week a gentleman dressed in camo came into our offices here at Dana Enterprises on South Pattaya Road in Pattaya and started talking about Caveman and Caveman issues and what he purported to be Dana-Caveman issues. I was being a good listener until I noticed that his combat boots were made by Foulkes of London and his camo pants had tapered legs and six front pleats. Subsequent questioning by me revealed that he is Caveman's lawyer. He went on at some length. He seemed to be upset by some things. There were some threats and mentions about money payouts and me possibly going swimming with concrete tofu shoes.

Anyway, because he was Caveman's lawyer, naturally I can not reveal any part of the conversation; although I may touch on it in a future anonymous posting to Stickmanbangkok.com. Time will tell.

IVANA HUMPALOT

An enduring idea popular with the smart set is that by learning to speak a foreign language you will learn about the culture of the country. And apparently, learning about the culture of a country is a good thing. If one of the natives of that country invites you to their home for dinner you may be served fried dog turds, worm and fish bone casserole, and a salad of nettles and cactus. You will eat this while wearing funny hats and farting. Sign me up. Another mysterious, exotic, fun culture. So it is a double reward: you learned a language and you learned culture stuff also.

The Russians are moving into Pattaya as tourists, business owners, and whores. The men are thick and heavy, the women are tall and blonde and dressed in animal print stretch body suits. I have been having regular (well, ok it is highly irregular) sex with one of these Russian women. Her name is Ivana Humpalot. Sometimes she shortens the first name to just the letter I. I. Humpalot. Ivana Humpalot. I. Humpalot. Do I really need to learn to speak Russian to plumb the depths of this fabulous culture? I don't think so. I think I know enough.

OF COURSE YOU ARE

"So can we say that if you recline today it's "lie," and if you reclined yesterday it's "lay"? Not exactly. Suppose you want to say that yesterday at your grandmother's you ate a lot and then made a decision to go and recline? It happened in the past, and yet the correct way to say it is, "I decided to lie down."

Why?

Because "lay" is the simple past tense of the verb "lie," but in the sentence "I decided to lie down," "to lie" is the infinitive form of the verb, which here functions as the object of the simple-past-tense verb "decided". That's why." — Joan Wickersham, "Navigating the grammatical thicket", Boston Globe, Feb. 22.

I am a literate educated person in the English language but I would not want to be quizzed on the above. So it is Uncle Dana once again throwing darts at the easy targets. You say that after learning to speak Thai you are going to learn to write Thai? Of course you are. You are going to learn to write Thai. We all believe that. And because it is already a fait compli in your mind, you have been telling people that after you learn to speak Thai you are going to learn to write Thai. You have been saying this for four years. Of course you are. You are going to learn to write Thai. We all believe you. You are going to learn to write Thai.

Me: Bartender?
Bartender: Sir?
Me: A drink for my new friend here. Give him whatever he wants.