Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 374

  • Written by Dana
  • April 6th, 2013
  • 6 min read



Attention and salutations dear Dana fans. Today a two-fer. A science announcement and a look into my personal life. Who loves you baby? Dana does. We start with a science announcement titled HIGGS BOSON FOUND and we end with a personal note titled EXTORTION. As always, enjoy.

HIGGS BOSON FOUND
Dana Note: Science News

Attention Dana fans and all the kat and kitten mongers at sea: today a science note of portent and import. To wit: the Higgs boson, the piece de resistance of the standard model of physics, the theoretical model of physics that defines the universe, has been found. It was found in the Mickey Mouse Underpants bar of Pattaya, Thailand during a police pee-in-a-cup raid. The boson had no passport or I.D. card, spoke no known language, had no pupils, and peed a two tone liquid-solid of orange and purple.

Police calls were made and conservative female Thai physicist Prongdosithlaming Kuddlechaufongdu verified that the Higgs boson had been found thus instantly vaulting the Kingdom of Thailand into physics fame outer space. The missing link particle of the standard model universe was taken to a holding cell at the police station on Beach Road. Prongdosithlaming Kuddelchaufongdu PhD. bought a rockin' Italian cut suit and got a facial.

What the sought after since the 1960's Higgs boson was doing in the Mickey Mouse Underpants bar east of Third Road is a question. A question so far without an answer. There is a saying that nothing grows faster than compound interest or cancer. That saying is now being amended worldwide to: nothing grows faster than compound interest, cancer, or speculation about what the Higgs boson was doing in the Mickey Mouse Underpants bar of Pattaya, Thailand.

The bar, bar location, brick-and-mortar infrastructure, employees, patrons, and various sub-atomic, atomic, and molecular emanations are being examined closely to crack the code on this mystery. Fields of gravity, electro, magnetic, and various rays and energies are being plotted and measured. The SETI Institute is involved. Only the string theorists have been shut out. There have to be standards even in open and free scientific inquiry. Physicists are flying in, and are being flown in, from all over the world and special PR envoys have been stationed at Suvarnabhumi airport to help these somewhat startled men and women of science. Some of them have been seen to be having trouble getting the handle to come up on their luggage.

So far the most popular idea is that the Higgs boson was simply hiding out and hanging out. Formed in the first billionth of a second after the Big Bang it had been an exhausting time what with decay issues, dark energy, interactions of mystery and import, triggering events, unintended consequences, and the always lurking apocalyptic specter of a high-stress universe filled with black holes and oddly warped space-time.

Wait-a-minute: decay issues, dark energy, interactions of mystery and import, triggering events, unintended consequences, and the always lurking apocalyptic specter of a high-stress universe filled with black holes and oddly warped space-time? That sounds exactly like the Mickey Mouse Underpants bar of Pattaya, Thailand on any Friday or Saturday night.

Anyway, now the mamasan has changed her name to Quantum and conservative female Thai physicist Prongdosithlaming Kuddelchaufongdu is doing a stage presentation that includes nudity, a snake, whips, high heeled shoes, gold waist chain, red pupils, and slurred speech. Since the Higgs boson has been found everything has changed.

EXTORTION

Well, it had to happen. In a world of perversion and mean people and corruption and dilution of civilized values it had to happen. It was only a matter of time. I admit I did not see this coming but now that it has happened I can not honestly say that I am surprised. Disappointed? Yes. But not flabbergasted. My flabber has been gasted in the past so I am not naive about being flabbergasted, but this thing is just a whole new thing.

To wit: I am now receiving emails from mongers telling me that they will not speak to Fa but only in exchange for me sending them money. In other words: extortion. Sample email:

Hello Dana

I will honor your Stay Away From Fa (SAFF) rule in exchange for you sending me $100 in German money once per month forever. If you do not send money then I am going to talk to her.

Sincerely yours
Horst

So, you can see where we are now. There is apparently no honor among mongers. Everything is a knife fight and my relationship with Fa has been lowered to the level of mud wrestling in a Russian bar. You give and you give and you give and what do you get? Extortion.

And no, to iterate; this is not the only email of it's kind that I have received on this issue. Merely an example of a new problem in my life. Other examples, and I number them to help you with note taking.

1. Attn: Dana Faggot

Stay Away From Fa? What a joke Commander Butt Plugger. I am going to talk to her and I am going to rub up against her unless you send beaucoup French francs every month.

Francois Poopdoodle
Marseilles, France

and

2. Hello Dana Tiny Dick

I'm talking to Fa every morning unless you leave a package of U.S. $10,000 in the bottom of the closest trash barrel to where she does her make-up every morning opposite Soi 13/0. Wrap the money in the Pattaymail newspaper and paint it with ten day old fish sauce that has been mixed with durian paste. No money in the trash barrel? Then your honey is going to be
spending time with me.

Clyde Foopnoggle
Anal Discharge on Tyne
Sheep Dip, England

and

3. Greetings Meateater

Send money or you aren't going to be eating cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes exclusively with your pathetic precious little Fa anymore. And by the time I am through with her she'll be using tofu as a lubricant. Vegans rule you little liberal weanie and patriots have the American flag tattooed on their chests. Send money lameass. Stay Away From Fa. What a joke. Send money.

Bif Bart
Hard Rock, Nevada

and

4. Heil Dana

My name is Herr Finkelstroop Bremershnitzel of the Heidelberg Bremershnitzels. Send money or I am going to rename Fa and tattoo Fa with one word: POLAND. After renaming her Poland I am going to march all over her. Unless you send money. Send money or you are going to have to beg the world to Stay Away From Poland (SAFP).

Goosesteppingly yours,
Baron Karl Freiherr von Finkelstroop Bremershnitzelheimer

I know you dear reader, humanist, advanced evolutionary example of mongerism, and Dana fan are as horrified by this as I am horrified by this. But have you in the depths of fellow monger sympathy penetrated to the hottest furnace core of this hell? To wit: what if one of these letters is bogus? Fake. What if one of these letters is something that Fa has thought up? What if I am not only paying Fa for her adult time and attention, but also sending her extortion money? Yeah. What if?

It isn't easy to be me.


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