Wherever You Go, There You Are
A little homily that most have heard at some point in their lives and a recent web search revealed this well-known quote was actually attributable to “persons unknown.” No matter as the meaning is obvious; to state simply that while our locations may change who and what we are, by and large, doesn’t. This of course isn’t strictly true; how we interact with others, perceive people and situations, and perceive ourselves can change over time through mistakes made, lessons learned and hard won experience. Travel and interaction with other cultures is also a great opportunity to expand the horizons and, by extension, awareness of ourselves and others in the big picture of life on this planet. A journey to an exotic land such as Thailand can be a time of change and personal growth but it can also be, for some with a narrow perspective on things, a time of entering in to an illusion; particularly in terms of expectations when entering in to relationships and situations when one's interpretation of events is not realistic.
If you arrive in this country – Thailand – with a narrow perspective on things then the chances are you’re going to experience a lot of the illusion. Unresolved issues about who and what you are and how you perceive your place in this world will have a significant bearing on whether or not you get caught up in the illusion that’s readily available here. And mark my words, illusion is something that some of the locals here are very good at. There are some who come on this site after a bad relationship experience with a bargirl / prostitute and propose the idea that it’s all a dream. And while it may appear that way, the only place where the dream resides is inside the person's head. What’s actually occurring on a day to day basis here is very real. It’s just that for many their reality is the illusion. What is not an illusion is this: if you’re paying a woman here for sex, she’s a prostitute. If you’re paying her a monthly stipend in exchange for sex and a guarantee of loyalty; she’s a prostitute. If you claim she’s a mia noi but you’re still paying an arranged regular stipend and you’ve got no intention of marrying her; she’s a prostitute. Note: The mia noi conundrum – according to most Thai blokes I’ve spoken to about the mia noi situation their interpretation of it is it’s a business transaction where a younger, attractive Thai female provides sex and comfort for ongoing financial support. They were also very clear about the idea that when the money finishes so does the contract. Now you can slice it and dice it, wrap it in confetti and make all the illusionary excuses under the sun but if you’re paying rent, so she’ll stay with you, it’s simply a customer / hooker situation and nothing more. The fact they’ll only remain as long as the rent is being paid makes this obvious. What is also clearly obvious is while you can rent a body; you can never rent the heart or mind. Those two thirds of the equation will only be offered of their own free will; not because of financial coercion. The litmus test for the above mentioned would be to ask a Thai male for his interpretation of the idea of a guy handing over money for sex – to a woman he is neither married to or has children with – and see what the response might be? In all cases when I’ve done so the reply was “these types of ladies are for fun and nothing else.” A respectable Thai man doesn’t enter into relationships with hookers. Those that do are generally the bottom feeding, low-lifes of Thai society doing so because the hooker is going to provide them with an income stream.
Now I’m going to put my hand up and say “yes, I’m one of the guys who use the services of bar girls / hookers / prostitutes from time to time but after nearly twenty years of residing here – and as a few friends living here will attest – I never try to turn it into something it’s not designed to be; some sort of ongoing, undefined and intentionless attachment. I would suggest guys who end up in that situation with a prostitute have unresolved personal issues they need to address; namely the need to be wanted, liked or loved. A sure sign that a guy is still coming to grips with his personal situation in this country is evidenced by how much time he spends talking about the distractions being caused by his latest rent-a-girl. If more than 50% of his conversation is devoted to sorting out his personal situation with a manipulating prostitute you can be sure there are some issues that need resolving. Guys in a normal, undistracted state of mind don’t ramble on endlessly about personal dramas associated with “seeing” a hooker. I would speculate that a normal state of mind would preclude any kind of utterances about time spent with prostitutes or, at least, it would be kept to minimum; something like “well yeah, I did a short time with number xxx out of xxx bar last night” and leave it at that. Newbies aside, I don’t see how guys who’ve lived here for a reasonable length of time can get caught up the silly nonsense that always seems to be a part of a bargirl’s life; mainly the constant money issues with family, friends, Thai boyfriends, overseas sponsors, etc., etc… It’s like some ongoing meaningless soap drama or, as Walter Cronkite termed this type of silliness so perfectly well, “it’s irrelevant fluff and nothing more.”
The common denominator for most if not all of the guys who get caught up in the “nonsense” is that they haven’t been able to separate the sex from an emotional attachment. This is rather ironic, and amusing, because those rent-a-girls, which so many seem to have a difficult time understanding it’s just work for them, don’t have the same confusion about what’s really going on. How else would one explain their ability to fxxk different – and multiples of – punters night after night for months or years on end without forming any real attachments; save their liking for the hot money being thrown at them? The answer – much as you really don’t want to know – lies in the fact that their emotional attachment is to the Thai boyfriend or girlfriend they’re supporting. Take it as a given that any decent looking bargirl under the age of thirty probably has a Thai boyfriend or tom in tow. As I said, you can rent the body but you’ll never rent the heart or mind; that lies elsewhere.
The key determinant – and the thing that predatory bargirls are experts at taking advantage of – in this confused, foggy state of existence for a punter is the belief in the illusion being created. Many are convinced their current rent-a-girl is with them because she likes, or loves, them. She may in fact like you but she likes the money you’re giving her even more. The illusion will last as long as the money does and when it finally dawns on you that it was all just make believe you will have come to your senses and learned a valuable life lesson about interacting with prostitutes in this country and move on to making smarter choices. Those who don’t and who continue to repeat entering into the illusion also have one thing in common; their brains are in their penis. For many farangs resident here it’s all about the ejaculation mission. Their lives seem to be completely preoccupied 24/7 with the need to get their rocks off. It’s almost as though their very existence is completely determined by how many times in the time they have remaining on this planet they can insert their willy into a Thai female that’s willing to oblige them. Everything they do seems to revolve around the ongoing ejaculation mission. Even ordinary daily outings such as going to a shopping mall or catching a train become de facto pussy hunting expeditions.
To be honest I don’t get it and I guess truth be known I never really have; what’s the big deal about getting laid? Perhaps I missed something when I was growing up or maybe I didn’t? Perhaps all those dopey teenage flicks like American Pie which absurdly elevate the genitals of the female anatomy to Nirvana-like status were completely lost on me? No doubt for many expat male farang living in Thailand they weren’t because the amount of time they spend “on the hunt” would lead me to believe that they really don’t have much else going on in their lives. Everything is about their penis and the next ejaculation mission. If you engage these guys in conversation or other forms of communication, it doesn’t take too long for them to reveal their main priority – perhaps their only priority – in life. Within a short space of time they’re discussing their latest hottie, squeeze, or exotic and how it gives them the answers to life that they’ve been searching for. Or it might be that they’ve got rid of one – and have now moved on to another – but the previous one is proving difficult to disengage from and is creating a selection dilemma which has them on a bit of an emotional roller coaster they feel the rest of us need to know the intimate details of. And when it comes down to it, intimate details are what they’re big on; lots of intimate details about the “nonsense.”
This is the deal; when bargirls / prostitutes know that you know what their game is they lose interest in you very quickly. When they can see there’s no long term financial benefit to engaging you they’ll barely acknowledge your existence. This of course shows the true nature of their characters; they’re not interested in who you are, only in what they can get. Those who fall for the illusion are prime marks. With their confused interpretation of what’s actually occurring – the inability to separate sex from an emotional attachment – they are easily manipulated into a prostitute's “nonsense” world of financial predation. The “nonsense” will only end when you realize there’s never any end to their financial demands. The lack of financial discipline and the need to give in to the monetary demands of family and hangers on is a common reason why Thai prostitutes never seem to have enough money. Living beyond their means is also an issue as they need to show other Thais the justification for crossing the line and selling themselves. “Buying back their face” with non-whoring scene Thais is a very real issue for them and displays of wealth are something which bargirls / prostitutes use to justify their career choice. Many new or naïve to the ways of rent-a-girls have encountered the over-ordering situation in a restaurant. The seemingly couldn’t care less attitude as they order up a table full of dishes – at your expanse – and then nibble at the edges only to leave an abundance of uneaten food is actually part of a calculated scheme to impress the staff serving her. Your protests of waste, of course, are derided by her as a keeneow attitude; insults which are designed to belittle you and give her more control over your emotions. Another way of “buying back their face” with their Isaan brethren is to make you leave a plate full of notes as a tip. This has nothing to do with trying to help out their poor cousins from the North-East; it’s all about the “big action” and showing the wait staff that she’s hit the big time.
In a situation where a service charge is being added to the bill, you’re even more of a mug if you leave a tip. For those of you that aren’t aware of it, current Thai labour laws state that a minimum of 20% of the monthly service charge must go to the restaurant staff; many restaurants will give more to their staff. When your splay-toed, brown-skinned little bush girl is cajoling you into leaving a large tip on top of the service charge, she really is making a fool of you. If you encounter this situation, it’s very easy to deal with; smile, be polite, don’t engage her in any conversation – because she’s too ignorant to understand her own country's laws – keep your money in your wallet and when you step outside the restaurant, pay her off and walk away. Do you have the balls to do that? Are you able to separate the sex from emotional attachment? Or are you a sucker for the illusion?
The need to be recognised, liked, wanted and, perhaps, loved is a very real human condition. A life without the above mentioned emotional interaction could be quite lonely and the feeling of loneliness can be exaggerated in a country with an alien language and cultural values to that which you originate from. I think this is one of the major reasons why many, initially, end up in a relationship with a bargirl / prostitute; a void is filled quickly and easily. Eventually, after you’ve had enough of the “nonsense”, you realise that a more tactical approach to interacting with the women in this country is recommended. Bargirls / prostitutes are strictly for fun / short time liaisons and good girls, or women with day time jobs, are for relationships. Unfortunately for many farang males this equation to interacting with Thai women has yet to be realised. If you want a play thing and casual sex, get a rent-a-girl. If you want a real relationship then you’re going to show a bit more patience; you’re not going to be able to bang a “good girl” on the first date. You also need to keep in mind that your good girl is probably looking at a long term scenario; perhaps even marriage – particularly if you are presented to the family – which will bring into consideration all the cultural requirements entailed in doing so. Are you ready for that kind of commitment? If not then don’t be irresponsible and think you can get your rocks off with a good girl and then ditch her because she wasn’t a porn star in the bedroom. If you want a porn star, open your wallet and get a rent-a-girl for the night.
Relationships are always a compromise; you give up some things to get something else. If you’re considering getting into a relationship with a bargirl / prostitute, you need to consider how much you’re giving up and what it is you’re getting in return. Or, as a good mate is often heard to say, “What do they bring to the table?” If it’s just that little wet spot between their legs, it’s not much really, is it? A recent trip into Isaan reinforced this notion for me. A real charmer with a killer figure and great English language skills had me a little mesmerised. No doubt many of a less disciplined mindset in the same situation would probably be offering up a monthly stipend and making marriage arrangements by now. In the end I had to consider exactly what I’d be losing by hooking up with a lass – who was probably as close to a ten as one would find in this country – who was living in the North-East. The fact is, a lot. This was completely reinforced after going down to Phuket the following week and hanging out on the beach for a few days. Regardless of how good the pussy might be, a man should never give up the things that are part of his character or the activities he enjoys; even more so if all she’s offering is that wet spot between her legs. The whole point of my being there was defined the morning I departed – when I handed her the arranged fee for her services – and I haven’t heard “boo” from her since. No doubt she knew there was not going to be any long term benefit from me.
I remember a couple of years ago seeing a rather amusing anecdote on Facebook. A work colleague posted a photo of a smoking hot western babe with a sobering comment underneath it; “Somewhere, some guy has had enough of putting up with her shit.” Going by the regular flow of submissions to this site it’s obvious that many guys put up with all kinds of “shit” in a relationship with a bar girl / prostitute. And it’s not just the financial compromise either; there’s also the ongoing psychological head fxxk that comes from trying to convince yourself that things will get better. Unfortunately as most guys eventually find out, things rarely get better and in the end you understand it really is just about the money. For those that are loaded, it probably doesn’t matter. For them, having a trophy hanging off the arm is their main priority. For those in that situation don’t expect that bimbo who’s 30 years your junior to show any kind of real loyalty; after all, you’re just renting a body. Case in point; my ex. Even though bagging one of the richest farang in Thailand she was still banging me, and who knows who else, 3years after she met him. For those who aren’t loaded, you may want to consider what it is you’re actually getting – and losing long term – for “taking care” of your prostitute? Aside from the financial coercion, why is she with you? Is she interested in who, and what you are and how much of your lifestyle are you compromising just to “get your end in?” As intimated on this site recently by a friend, and fellow Stickmanite, some guys are handing over some serious cash to ensure the loyalty of that pussy or, as my esteemed fellow writer put it so eloquently, “the women are juicing these guys for some serious coin in return for surrendering that ass.” The question of how much some guys might be forking out for their rent-a-girls isn’t so difficult to ascertain.
The lady on the left in the above photo was one of the top show girls at Baccara. I say was because she’s taken a leave of absence. How do I know? I barfined her 4 days before she stopped shaking her ass on the platform. Ladies such as Y will make in the vicinity of 150K a month from the gogo bar, and perhaps even more when sponsorship is considered. The point is that for girls such as her, to stop “working” the replacement remuneration would have to be considerable. For those willing to provide such a healthy stipend all well and good but just remember that all you’re getting is a body. If you’re able to keep it at the physical level then congratulations; you understand the “game.” Chances are though that someone will be getting a whole load of additional “nonsense” with the body.
To get it on with ladies such as Y or my attractive friend up in Isaan, a guy doesn’t need to be anything special; you just need to be willing to open your wallet and have a ready supply of cash. Younger Stickmanites such as Napster and Shady will no doubt disagree with this. But this submission is not directed at guys in their 20s – who are getting it for a minimal outlay – it’s directed at guys such as myself who are fifty and over. Hot, non-prostituting Thai ladies in their 20s don’t go with 50 to 60-old guys; that’s a fact of life. If they do then it’s because they’re expecting some kind of remuneration. The only ladies who might be available to our age group for minimal outlay are the 40 – 50 year olds trawling on the websites every day but when it comes down to it, most of them are also looking for someone to “take care.” I would also put forward the notion that beauty is the eye of the beholder; it’s an individual thing. What some may see as hot, or stunning, others might consider plain.
Case in point; a recent submitter came on here with claims that his ex was a 10. After meeting the said lady and having her spend a night at my condo, she wasn’t anything close to what I would consider a 10. What I’ve come to understand, when it comes to interacting with bargirls over the years, is that the hottest lookers generally have the worst attitudes. Eventually the external physical beauty won’t mask the vile character within; case in point, my ex. Most guys will look at her and see a babe with a hot body when all I see is a disgusting Ying Leeo.
A woman who sees men in terms of what she can get is not worth wasting too much time on simply because they’re not interested in who the person is. Their game is all about manipulation and control to gain, or win, the maximum outlay from you over an extended period of time. Guys who divulge too much personal information about finances, careers, and family situation will attract attention from the opportunists; they understand that you’re looking to impress them. They also understand that by deferring to them too much you are approval seeking; a sure sign of loneliness and emotional fragility. Why would anyone seek approval from a prostitute? After all, you’re the one with the cash so shouldn’t you be in control of the moment? A few things to consider:
• Never divulge too much personal information to a bargirl.
• Never give them your primary phone number (the one you use for work and friends). If you’re planning on interacting with bargirls, get a second cheap phone if you want to exchange numbers.
• Only call them if you want a shag because you can be sure that they will only ever call you when they want something; and that is normally money.
• If they come to your hotel room or condo and make some silly comment about your previous liaisons, don’t apologise. A prostitute that came to my condo recently noticed a pair of false eyelashes in my bathroom which I’d missed. When she commented about it I just said “No problem, I changed the bed sheets this morning.”
A quote often heard when referring to bargirls / prostitutes is “While you can take a girl out of the bar, you can never take the bar out of the girl.” This has more to do with how they think, or their state of mind, rather than what they do. Regardless of what you may think, I would suggest that 95% of them cannot be saved. Or if they are to be saved it will always be on their terms and not yours; hence the importance of the monthly stipend and large sin sod if marriage eventuates. Case in point; an attractive lady that I’ve bar fined a few times from Rainbow 4 is desperate to get out of the bar. She’s 31 this year, pretty much an alcoholic and been in the game about 4 years. She’s suggested more than a few times that she could be my girlfriend. To which I have a standard reply, “Leave the bar, get a normal job and then give me a call.” It hasn’t happened yet and I’m quite sure it’s never going to happen. At the end of the day the major reason, or two reasons, why they don’t leave the bar of their own accord is laziness and living beyond their means. The laziness is tied to the relative ease in which they earn their living and even the lowest paid bargirl is on about 20,000 THB a month. Little wonder then that they’re not rushing out to get jobs at a 7 Eleven.
As I’ve mentioned before in previous submissions, the state of our minds has a lot to do with how we conduct our lives. Any kind of addiction is the result of an imbalanced or confused state of mind and a sex addiction is no different. I would suggest that whoremongering, which is a sex addiction, is also a psychologically unhealthy state of mind. However, I do understand the primeval need for men to ejaculate but the problem for many when interacting with bargirls is they can’t separate the sexual act from an emotional attachment; hence we have guys talking about “The Girl Friend Experience.” If you want a GFE, get a normal girl as a real girlfriend! Your inability to separate the sexual act from an emotional need is your downfall with bargirls / prostitutes; after all, what do you do with them once you’ve ejaculated? The emotional attachment will lead to your physical and mental deterioration. Why? Consider how much stress is involved in trying to maintain a relationship with a prostitute; particularly from overseas. If you are able to separate the sexual act from an emotional attachment then you will understand – particularly those north of 50 – that an over-indulgence in sex like any kind of over-indulgence is actually not very good for the body. Many will take Viagra or similar substances to help them get it up but in doing so they’re not listening to what their body is telling them; you’re having a hard time getting it up because you’ve got a reduced level of testosterone in your system. Better to take the night off and get a good sleep. Viagra and other such substances is not good for you; particularly so if you’ve ingested alcohol. I’ve taken it on a couple of occasions and each time it was noticeable that I had an elevated heart rate and by extension an increase in blood pressure.
Once you accept the fact that you’re not in your twenties anymore, and therefore have lower levels of testosterone, you can actually begin to appreciate other good things in this country; things that don’t involve inserting your willie into a bargirl. For example how many farang living in Bangkok would know there are large monitor lizards down at Lumphini Park? How many would make the time to go there and check it out instead of heading to Cowboy or Nana Plaza? Once you understand that a bargirl / prostitute is just a body for sex, and nothing more, it’s quite easy to go and do other things in this country; things which may challenge you and develop new skills and abilities. But only if your mind is not distracted by the “nonsense.” Wherever you go, there you are.
Brutally honest, I just hope some take note. I found myself nodding the whole way through.
I think a lot of it comes back to loneliness, which in turn is related to social skills, amongst other things. I think there is also one nationality which seems to have a fixation with getting their end away, much more so than any other group.
This quote says it all: " The common denominator for most if not all of the guys who get caught up in the “nonsense” is that they haven’t been able to separate the sex from an emotional attachment." Gentle readers, forget this at your peril. Get it tattooed if you have to!