Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 368

  • Written by Dana
  • February 23rd, 2013
  • 12 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok


Hello Stickmanites and Dana fans: recently Mr. Stickman was in Pattaya and he sent me a picture of Pattaya Gary. This picture triggered some memories so below is an essay-story-article that may be helpful to you if you ever meet him. Enjoy. But before the story, an update on Dana Enterprises happenings.

Open Letter To All Dana Fans:

Last week Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 367 looked good, good publishing, etc. But on that subject: Pla, Fla, and Bla, my Dana Enterprises record keepers, notified me that with Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 367 there have now been 237 straight submissions without something supportive, friendly, or kind being said at the end by the website administrator. Since all three of these Dana Enterprises employees were hired based on their abilities to successfully bet on Surin festival water buffalo races I am sure their numbers and their conclusions are correct.

Anyway, I think this is great and we should shoot for 250, 250 submissions in a row without something positive or happy being said at the end by the website administrator. This will contribute in a positive way to my mythology and further spotlight my Internet writing efforts. Another ignored 17 submissions will bring me up to Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 385, my anticipated retirement number.

Don't you just love it when a plan comes together? Ignoration and indifference working hand-in-hand with Einsteinian social insight and brilliant word smithing given in service to humanity. My record keepers and statisticians here in the office on South Pattaya Road are excited by this:

"Just think Dana, no author's writing will have been treated as just mud thrown against the wall to this extent before. It makes us ploud to be part of Thai-farang genre writing history on the Internet. You may be the worst, most disrespected, and unloved writer in history. This is one of the things that we all love about farangs. You are all good at something. We are velly velly ploud (proud girls, proud) of you. We love Dana Enterprises and we love you Dana." — Pla, Fla, and Bla.

Well, there you have it Dana Fans, an update on Dana Enterprises happenings. And now this weeks main event. Enjoy. Transcripts are, as usual, available through Stickman. On the subject of transcript policies, paperwork, procedures, rules, regulations, and prompt free mailing times I have learned that there have been some problems. Just yell at Stickman. It works for me.

SIZE MATTERS

I once read a fascinating, and for me, depressing article in a magazine for smart people about shark mating behavior. They used a big pool, male sharks, female sharks, and earnest academic types with clipboards. The male sharks were of three different sizes: normal, larger than normal, and monster big. The results were an illustration of relativity and biology.

The normal sized sharks got almost no attention from the female sharks. The larger than normal sized male sharks got attention but the females swimming by their sides did not look completely relaxed. They appeared to be slightly agitated or nervous. They were doing what biology compelled them to do but not totally charmed by the experience. The monster big male shark did not have to pose or posture or display or act aggressive. A female shark would swim right up to him, orient herself side to side, touch his side, and look blissfully composed. The social-biological contract was made. Size matters.

Watch my friend Pattaya Gary of Pattaya, Thailand at night and you will see the same thing. His pick-up time in a bar can be as little as three minutes. He walks in, orders a drink, and instantly there is a Thai lady shark lifting his arm to poke her head through, she presses up against his side, and if she has breasts she makes sure to press one of them against the side of the big monster male farang shark. Money is given to the waitress, barfine paid, and out the door. Time elapsed? Three minutes.

It would not surprise me if in his adult life Gary has never actually asked a girl for a date. No need to. And what am I doing in the same bar? I am letting girls stick their legs and their heads through my suspenders, wearing a northern Thai lady hat (women laugh so hard they nearly wet themselves), and juggling petrified water buffalo testicles to try and get some attention. I limit myself and my pride to ten bars. If I have not scored in ten bars I go home.

Note: you know the hats I am talking about. The hats with the coins, and the white beads on strings hanging down in front of the face, and the colored strings, the fancy embroidery against a black background, and sometimes the hollow silver balls of the northern Thai tribe ladies walking around the tourist areas trying to sell cheap jewelry and carved wooden frogs. When I go into bars wearing this hat I get a lot of attention. In the old Electric Blue bar on Walking Street the naked girls on stage used to just stop and stare at me and the mezzanine level dancing girls used to laugh so hard that tears would burst from their eyes.

Anyway, If you are not a monster shark like Pattaya Gary you need tricks. Not on board with this hat idea for helping you pick up women in Thailand? Ok, consider this. Sometimes in my hotel room at the A.A. Hotel on Soi 13/0 the girls ask me to make love to them wearing the hat. I'm pounding away like a soi dog on yaa baa and they are screeching with laughter. Yup, been there; done that. Does Gary have to resort to stuff like this? Hell no. He could go into a bar with a blanket over his head while dragging two lobster pots tied to his ankles and the girls wouldn't care. And for those of you who are learning through note taking: I used to attract attention to myself in bars by taking a cylinder of ruby and exciting it with a xenon flash tube. The result was, obviously, a laser. Laser light production in a bar in Thailand. The girls preferred the juggling of water buffalo testicles. They were small and dark and shaped kind of funny (the testicles, not the girls) and a big hit. Laser shmaser, show us something interesting farang man. Anyway note takers, you need to keep it simple. If you can unwrap a Hershey's Kisses candy in your mouth with just your tongue they will go home with you and they will have sex with you. I'm just sayin' is all. I'm not lecturing.

So, you might be wondering what the difference is between Pattaya Gary and Pattaya Me? Well, Gary is 6'4" tall in his bare feet and I am 5'4". Actually, I am only 5'3". Ok, I'm getting older and I am shrinking so I am probably only 5'2" tall. You get the idea. I am not even a normal sized shark in a pool where only the monster is getting any attention. Actually, I think Gary might be lying about his height also. Over 6'4" a lot of tall men start telling lies. They might be 6'5" tall or 6'6" tall but they will say there are only 6'4" tall. They don't want to be freakazoids, they want to be normal. Go figure. So who knows: maybe Pattaya Gary with his barrel chest, hands the size of dinner plates, and the chin that could split granite is really 6’5’ tall, or 6’6” tall.

Anyway, if Gary can look down on the top of a Thai lady's head she might still be 5'9" tall or even 5' 10" tall. The long limbed seductresses with so much distance between their high breasts and their pussy that you have to use a rug installers tape measure to cover the distance. If I can look down on the top of my girlfriend's head she is so short she looks like someone pounded her into the ground with a big giant hammer. At least I do not have to go looking for stuff. Everything is kind of in the same place if you know what I men. Anyway, if one of Gary's girlfriends wiggles it looks sexy and willowy and snakelike. If one of my Isaan wonders wiggles (took eight bars and two hours to find her) people reach out to catch her before she falls. You go with what you got.

Yup, you go with what you got and it pays to know your limits. Recently, I met a Thai lady named Lek at Gary's condo. They have been together for some time. A couple. Sharks mating. Decisions made. Contract signed. He is paying for her to go to school, she is acting as a job foreman on some of his condo projects, and he has been helping her get employment. And what of Lek? Holy sufferin' Jesus what a body. Young, tight, long, and sexy. She reminds me of Amedeo Modigliani's painting Reclining Nude, c1919. Impossible length and youth writ large in reality. Gary is so under the ether he has probably not spotted her squash nose and who could blame him. She was the top dancer at a club on Soi 16 and now she only dances for Gary. Honk if you hate the big monster sharks. The only way I am ever going to get time with one of these Lek women is if I draw her picture on one of my bed sheets.

But there have been some changes over time in the Gary-Lek relationship continuum. When Gary met Lek she was simple and anxious to please. Without calculation and innocent. Now, whenever I meet her, I hear shark music. Gary may hear violin music because she is playing him like a violin, but I hear shark music that makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. She'd eat me up and tear me to pieces. I wouldn't even fight back. You can't beat biology and you can't beat the cards you have been dealt. All you can do is practise avoidance. And you do not get a second chance in the avoidance game. You have to know your limits and you have to act fast.

Do you know the difference between shark music and violin music? Hook up with Lek and you will learn the difference. I think right now in spite of a lot of bumps in the mating game highway Gary is still under the anesthesia. He only hears violin music. Me? I hear shark music whenever Lek is near. Scares me to death. The anxious-to-please female shark has grown up. She has been caught not going to the classes that Gary is paying for and she has not always responded well to Gary's efforts to get her a job. The list grows. She may only be a female shark tucked into the side of Gary's monster huge shark side but she is still a shark. The list grows: unpleasant mood changes, unreliable behavior, foolish things said, and juvenile actions. Sometimes I wonder if Gary can hear the female shark music when he is with her. I don't think he can. I believe he is so brain damaged by Lek sex that his hearing is faulty. But if you are not Lek sex brain damaged (I wish) do you know the one good thing about shark music?

You will know it when you hear it. Instantly and instinctively. Not so with the music of Brahms or Beethoven or Mozart or Mahler. You need educating to know those kats. Not so the music of predators. Put on your pants, grab your passport, and run. Run like the wind. Run for your life. And just because another man can handle a female Thai shark does not mean you can. All men are not created equal. Know your self. Know your limits. Know when to run. Gary loved Lek. She scared me to death.

Example: one day I was meandering down Beach Road and I thought I would stop into Starbucks for a fancy coffee. I'm not really a coffee enthusiast but sometimes I like to play adult games. As I am pushing through the door I get a shove from behind on my shoulders. I turned around and I looked up and it was the female shark Lek. Right on top of me. Smiling.

Me: Hi Lek, how are you?
Lek: Ok.
Me: Where is Gary?
Lek: He take nap.

Now, what I was supposed to do was buy into the social situation with coffees for both of us and sit down conversation at a table. But no good can come from this. And if I hear violin music it will be because she is playing me like a violin. But I don’t hear violin music, I hear the predator background radiation music of the shark, shark music. So, without another backward glance, I power walk right through the store and go out the Soi Yamato side door entrance. In the front door and out the side door like I have a cattle prod up my rear. Never looked back, and once outside the store; I just kept moving. Didn't stop until I got to the computer place on South Pattaya Road with the Japanese keyboards. If you are not the biggest shark in the pool you have to know when to practise avoidance. I'm not Pattaya Gary. Heck, I'm not even Pattaya Gary's girlfriend in size and scariness. It pays to know which shark you are in the pool. Size matters. You have to know your limits and you have to act fast. Later that afternoon I got a call from Gary. He wanted to know if I would come over and have dinner with him and with Lek that night. Of course I went. I knew Gary would be there. He would protect me.