Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 366

  • Written by Dana
  • February 9th, 2013
  • 5 min read



Attention Stickmanites and Dana fans: I post this as a public service to millions. Information on how to obtain laminated copies appears at the end. A Dana quote contest based on this may happen depending on demand. Send us your feedback.

SOME RULES

Since moving the Dana Enterprises office from Bangkok to Pattaya there have been some incidents of an unstructured and sometimes tourist variety. To wit: people have been dropping by the office on South Pattaya Road not always focused on the fact that we are currently communicating with and shipping to 120 countries (yes, including Vatican City). To do so effectively we have to become a lean, well-oiled, 21st century organization. Gone are the Bangkok days of open office bar, snooker table, girls sitting around smoking, darts for anyone who stumbles in off the street, and high heeled women's' shoes you can fondle.

We have to make some rules.

Rule One: No, you can not meet Fa.

Rule Two: Don't forget Rule One.

Rule Three: No, you can not meet me (come on, what were you thinking).

Rule Four: No, you can not have your picture taken with the office girls. They are professionals working for the greatest monger services organization in the world. Booger and Licker were both fired for violating this rule. Do not ruin lives.

Rule Five: No, you can not have the phone numbers or addresses of Pattaya Gary, 500 Baht Walt, Union Hill, Chiang Mai Kelly, Marc Holt, or Stickman. Some of these guys owe me money but you still can not have their phone numbers.

Rule Six: We do not talk to French (FTF), South Korean, Chinese, Japanese, Eastern European, Russian 'Stans' (Ufxxxistan), Thais, Indians and all white western women. Dana Enterprises is a world wide monger organization that welcomes all people except for obvious exceptions. We have standards. We also have Pattaya-wide cameras. If you are caught talking to these people you can just kiss off applying to the Dana Fan Club. I know it is tough love but Pattaya is a tough gig. Did you shave your testicles before you came to make them more attractive for others? I think the example has been made. Man up.

Rule Seven: No, we do not accept unsolicited manuscripts and we do not have proofing and editing services. And no, Fa can not help you. Giving her a manuscript to give to me is like pissing into the wind. No good will come of it. As soon as you turn your back she will page through the manuscript looking for money. No money? Into the trash.

Rule Eight: No we do not sponsor or recommend an Online matchmaking service. Hit the boardwalk. Stop farting around. The same men who use the computer to shop for love are the men who use condoms. Sweet Jesus on a cracker, man up. Hit the boardwalk. Find a bleeding eyebrow plucker and get busy.

Rule Nine: We do not accept or endorse naked farang and Thai girlfriend pictures being mailed to us. They used to make Rufus the office dog bark. Rufus was a full time humper, licker, and banger; but he didn't take pictures. Try to match his standards.

Rule Ten: No, we do not allow picture taking of our inside-the-office Buddhist shelf. We have pictures of Rufus the office dog and some of his favorite toys and bones and snacks sitting on the shelf with Buddha. It's too personal. This is a full-time 21st century international monger organization, not some amusement park for head bobbing Japs or tourists. Want to take a picture of something? Go to Bangkok and take pictures of the fake floating market.

Rule Eleven: Some fashion rules. Please do not come to visit wearing sandals and socks, soccer or rugby shirts, more than two cameras, telephoto lenses, Osama Bin Laden T-shirt, Bible anything, condom anything, or HIV anything. We have our own opinions. We are not interested in your opinions. Of course members of the Dana Fan Club, Church of Dana, and followers of Danaism are welcome at all times. These are the behind-the-curtain people that we respect. It may be that we will also respect you, but really; what are the odds?

Rule Twelve: Because of a personal weakness and enthusiasm of mine I used to think it would be fun to meet monger astronomers, and physicists, and mathematicians, and cosmologists. No more. Lesson learned. If you are still telling jokes about the Steady State theory and having fun at Newton's expense just do not come. Is there an exception to this? Yes. If you can explain the cause (cause Nimrod, not effect) of gravity I would really really like to speak to you. Tell the office girls that the password is 'Gravity' and they will get me. Be prepared: you may have to spend long long long minutes trying to communicate your needs. I used to try and filter for intelligence in the hiring process but finally just gave up.

Rule Thirteen: Yes, tranny Pattaya Emma has 12 inches and no you can not meet her. Tranny Emma pics are for sale but only on the Internet. We are an international organization. We are too busy to talk to walk-ins about Emma's wingwang. Emma is available on the Internet. Do your own shopping. We are not pimps, we are mongers. And no, there are no pictures of Emma and myself that are available. I personally feel that pictures just dilute the love experience. Maybe that is just me.

Rule Fourteen: Please do not come by to hang around and talk to the office girls. Yes they are fabulously feminine, and sexy, and beautiful but they have not heard anything original out of a man since they were fourteen years old. They have work to do. Well, actually; Booger (now fired) never really had any real work to do but that was a whole other thing. Holy sufferin' Jesus what a body. But I almost digress.

Rule Fifteen: Stay Away From Fa. I know I have said that before (Rules 1 & 2) but some hungry dogs have to be continually reminded to stay away from the meat wagon. Yes, she is on the boardwalk every morning at 9:15 opposite Soi 13/0 but not for you. She is now surrounded by Dana Enterprises security people. Do not even think about it. Fa is mind (ok, I meant to type the word mine–I get upset).

So, just a few rules guys. Transcripts of this are available to arriving mongers at the airport if you contact us ahead of time. Currently Boom-Boom and Booger are handing out the laminated transcripts to arrivals but that may change. Stay loose and see you on the boardwalk.