Stickman Readers' Submissions February 16th, 2013

Thai Girlfriend Advice

My teeruk is 28, and works at a bank as a business teller. She has worked there since graduation 2.5 years ago. she has a degree in business, taught in English.

Chinese father and Thai mother. They are upper middle class and VERY traditional in their beliefs. Her parents pretty well own her.

He Clinic Bangkok

I came last April to visit, after being online with her for 4 months. We had a great 3 weeks together and I tried hard to find out what rules I had to play by with the culture and traditions.

We fooled around quite a bit, she enjoyed it, but I could always tell that she felt guilty, like she was dishonoring parents. Intercourse is only for married people. Her father expects a virgin wedding LOL.

I am a gentleman. Honorable, monogamous and never use guilt or anything to get my way. She values that, as her mom has to deal with mia noi and husband never at home.

CBD bangkok

I met the folks, and said my intentions to them. (I think that is what my teeruk needed to feel less guilty LOL)

Left to go back to work in Canada and we had a very strong online relationship for 3+ months. She was very sad to see me go.

Around early autumn, she started a bank certification course and spent almost all of her time in training or studying. I was cool with that and didn't want her to fail due to me distracting her.

I had been planning a sabbatical from work to get my bachelor's degree. Her mother stated that I had to have one, if I was to marry her daughter!

wonderland clinic

So I saved up, bought a ticket and made my plans to study in Thailand. 2 weeks before I came she told me that something bad had happened.

Her father was very ill and in hospital. They didn't know how long he had. So they pulled her from training and she went to their province, not far from Bangkok. As the eldest daughter, she ended up being his primary caregiver for 3 months.

She never asked for money or anything. His family on the Chinese side came and paid his private room in advance.

After that the bank was adamant she return. My trip was set but she said "Don't come, I will not have any time for a serious relationship". She was also very emotionally distraught about her dad.

I understood, but said I can't stop the plans. It had cost too much. I will come, but not demand time until she is back in Bangkok working.

She returned 2 months ago and the bank has worked her for 11+ hours a day, or so it seems. She commutes from an outlying suburb of the city in to downtown Bangkok which adds another 3ish hours and her life is pretty much all work, work, work. Her sister and lame grandmother take up quite a bit of time too.

So, I found out that she told her parents everything about our fooling around, and I think they forbade her to do anything with me (before marriage). I'm having trouble even getting a kiss from her. She almost always has a sister around, or we meet in public.

The few times we are alone, I can feel the real connection and love. I really don't doubt that it is there. She is quite warm with texts too.

I have been here 4 months now. Almost finished my certifications (which I am using as previous learning experience to gain transfer credit for 2 years of my 4 year degree).

Basically she never told me the rules changed with our relationship, or that her parents said anything. I have been stressed, confused and trying to understand why things are so different.

Maybe I am missing something very big, as she should have just come out and said that 5 minutes in and not doing so has caused 4 months of hell for me pretty much. Always wondering WTF…

I still don't know if this is accurate, but she seems to be hinting at that now. I know her sense of duty is ridiculously strong towards parents, family and her work. I don't think I come anywhere near that until I am husband.

Do you have any advice or wisdom? I have option to head back next month after certifications are complete (and do university while working). It would limit the amount of life savings I sink into this.

I am real tempted to leave and stop supporting her expenses. I have kept them up to prove to her family that I can take care of her (handing that responsibility off basically).

She says her bank salary is only 12,000 baht per month plus a bonus of 12,000 baht every quarter if her sales are high enough.

I know that covers her expenses and nothing else. Hell, that's just the rent alone in a decent condo. So I have been covering her expenses so her salary is for family, emergencies and shopping etc. I know that 12,000 baht is nothing for someone living around BKK. Shit is pang mak around here lol

I dunno. I know it's real and I'm not getting scammed by her. I just get so f@#$ing confused and stressed some days. Or maybe I am getting completely f@#$ed.

Stickman's thoughts:

This is a really tough one. How long do you stick it out? That is really only a question you can answer. I guess you have certain factors in your mind that will influence what you do, such as your final situation, your own job situation and whether you really are confident that you know the whole story.

I think it's admirable that you're helping her out financially although don't go mistaking that for thinking I would do the same. I absolutely would not. I would ask you to question just what you're getting for this? If you can genuinely afford it and really don't care about the money, then go ahead and help her. Unfortunately I do not get the impression that that is the case. Further, if the family were genuinely traditional and upstanding I would imagine that pride would prevent them from accepting money like this. OK, so you're not giving it to them family directly, but she is supporting them with her salary and you are giving her money which basically sounds to me like you're supporting them.

One issue that may concern me is that if they really are traditional and Chinese then there is always a possibility that they might try and set your girlfriend up with a man they feel would suitable for her. OK, I don't wish to sound alarmist, but in really traditional families that can still happen.

Like I said earlier, really, this all comes back to you and what you're will to accept, or put up with… Good luck!

nana plaza