Stickman Readers' Submissions February 8th, 2013

It’s Not What You See, It’s How You See It

I first went to LOS in 2003, young dumb and well, you get the picture. I went to the travel agent and said “where should I go?” Luckily for me the lass had just got back from Phuket and well what do you know? There’s a sale on – 7 nights Phuket, 3 in Bangkok. Got a good price and I was on Thai Airways the following week. Having never been to Asia before, except stopovers, I didn’t know what to expect.

Had too much to drink on the plane and arrived a bit worse for wear. This was back in the day that the taxi mafia at Phuket airport was in full control and I was rich for the picking. Airport to Patong, 1000 baht. I did the calculations in my head and, coming from Australia where the cost of a taxi to the airport sometimes cost more than the actual flight if flying domestic, I thought I was getting a bargain.

He Clinic Bangkok

I have been back 7-8 times since and have never paid more than 500 baht.

On that trip I actually went scuba diving and loved it. I did the usual Aussie in a bar thing, watching cricket and carrying on, then I stopped and looked around and thought, “WHAT THE F$CK AM I DOING?” I looked around and realised that I could be anywhere in Melbourne. Although one thing I will say is that I have never seen a fight between Farangs in Thailand. Couldn’t say that for a night out in Melbourne. Same people, just a different vibe I guess. I suppose it’s in the air over there. I’m a lover not a fighter so it suits me fine.

I headed down Soi Bangla and got me a lady friend. Her name was Noi and she was smoking hot. We went back to the hotel and did what comes naturally and then I spent the next two days with her. She took me all over the island on her moped / scooter / whatever and we had a great time. After the initial transaction fee no more money changed hands. Sure, I paid for everything, but there was no more talk of cash. I realised the whole time that I was just a mark and she was making a living. No biggy.

CBD bangkok

Off to Bangkok I went and I can honestly say that on that first trip I didn’t even set foot in Nana or Cowboy. Sure, one night I went to the top of Cowboy and peered down it like a cat not sure whether to chase the mouse down the drain hole but I did not enter. I returned to Farangland and was discussing my trip with some of the boys at the local. The local barfly overheard me and it turned out that he was a Vietnam war vet (air force) and had spent a lot of time in Thailand during the war and had been back at least once every two years since.

We sat spellbound for a couple of hours whilst he regaled us with stories from the old days and more importantly, those of recent times. I realised then that I although I had a relaxing time, I had basically wasted my trip. The following year I went back to Phuket for a week and Bangkok for a week. I can honestly say that I never set foot on the beach in Phuket and I never left Sukhumvit Soi 4 down to Asoke area. I was a maniac. I fulfilled every desire, and more. Goddamit! I had yellow fever!

I met a Farang ‘lady’ in Farangland and realised that the relationship was going to get serious. I was still getting my needs for Asian delights satisfied but it was expensive and just not the same. I planted the seed early with Farang woman that I was dead set racist against Asian people and I can’t believe how disgusting my brother was going to Thailand and treating the woman like he does and how can they sell their bodies and blah blah blah. You get the picture. I didn’t overdo it, just planted the seed and then watered it now and again.

I decided to test the situation and came home one day saying that Air Asia had a special on, which was crap, and the fares are ridiculously cheap and her having Scottish blood in her can’t resist a bargain but OH NO! The fares aren’t during school holidays and her being a school teacher can’t have time off to go. Well she was actually at uni then and took her studies very seriously, but I can go, can’t I, babe? She had seen photos of me scuba diving at various places and said, well why not? Go and enjoy your scuba diving!

wonderland clinic

And so it began… I have been ‘scuba diving’ in Thailand every year for the past 7 years. She has refused to let me go with friends because she couldn’t trust THEM not to lead me astray! I go by myself for 10 – 14 days and also go to Hong Kong and Singapore. An ex-boyfriend of hers came back from Thailand with a half empty packet of condoms in his suitcase so she hates the place, despite never setting foot in it. I have never made that mistake. When I have gone over I always go to Phuket first and go scuba diving on the first day so I can get some photos to bring home to show her. I don’t actually enjoy it anymore. One time I heard the Mrs. on the phone to one of her friends and she didn’t know that I could hear her. I heard her say to her friend, Oh_____ (insert my name here) doesn’t even like Asian women, I prefer he goes to Thailand than England! (where I lived for a couple of years and she knows I have some lady friends there).

Farang woman and I have recently split up and as anyone who’s broken up with a woman after 7 years together / married can attest, the end starts off civil but quickly turns into a bloodbath where nothing is sacred. She even insulted my manhood! I have been tempted to be truthful about my trips to Asia but have been advised against it as it will just cause a lot of trouble. The thing is, and this is true, if I told her I had been banging Asian hookers for the 7 years we were together, she simply wouldn’t believe me. She would say that I was making stuff up just to hurt her. She honestly believes that I am racist towards Asians. I trained her that well, I feel that I got away with it for 7 years and telling her would be like a war veteran giving his medals back.

Over the years in LOS I have had some crazy and wonderful times. I guess I have been quite lucky in that I have never ran into any trouble or been scammed. I got driven to a ‘late night card game’ by a tuktuk driver but managed to high tail it out of there very quickly. Ran for what seemed like miles and all of a sudden I was on Silom Road. The only time I got scammed for money was at a bar in Patpong where I got given a 50 baht note instead of 500 baht in change. I didn’t realise until later but it was my first night there so I just chalk that up to experience.

I had read previously about the ladyboy that hangs around Bangla in the day time and I always thought that I would be able to pick it. I was still drunk from the night before and was walking down Bangla when I was accosted by this hot little thing looking for action. I thought it strange that a nice piece like that was hanging around in the day but thought nothing of it. My hotel was not far and we headed back there and I jumped in the shower. I thought it strange that she didn’t want to take her pants off and then it hit me like a big cold snapper straight across the forehead. She / he realised that I wasn’t up for that sort of action and I just grabbed 2000 baht out of my wallet, which always stays in my shorts with me in bathroom when I shower and have a guest over, and gave it to him/her and showed him/her the door. Oh well, these things happen.

Another time I was walking down Bangla and I literally bumped into my ex-girlfriend's old man walking down the street hand in hand with a little beauty. I just said hello, shook his hand and kept walking. The look on his face was priceless. I knew for a fact that he was still with my ex’s mum, they had / still have one of the best relationships I have ever seen. I am still part of the family despite the ex actually married now with kids and I actually had Xmas lunch there. The old man and I have never uttered a word about that chance meeting in Soi Bangla. We have shared some knowing looks when Thailand has been mentioned but that’s all.

I have a mate who is doing a long stretch in Bang Kwang, 32 years in fact. All he wants when I go and see him is a carton of Benson and Hedges Special Filters. He will end up doing about 23 in total with remissions and what not. He was an idiot and he got caught. I have been to see him 6 or 7 times and at the start it was, well, exciting. But the last few times I have found myself dreading it the further the boat goes up the river. Anyone who has been there will know what I mean. I am heading to LOS in a few months and I don’t think I will go and see him this time. I feel bad about it but I mean, what can you talk about to someone for two hours that has been locked up in a hell hole for 9 years? The sweet thing you banged last night or the footy scores? The last time I went he was wearing nail polish and wasn’t all there. It’s a shame, he was a good bloke and I don’t think he will make it. You play with fire, you get burnt. There, but for the grace of God…

On my next trip I am staying in Pattaya for a week and then Bangkok. I have never been to Pattaya so I am really looking forward to it. I could never go to somewhere like Pattaya when I was with the Mrs. as the game would have been up. I don’t need to go to Phuket anymore as I don’t need the photos! The photographer at my wedding has turned out to be quite a good mate. He is actually a high up manager at my work and does photography as a hobby. He has never been to Thailand before and there is no way his Mrs. would let him go. He’s telling his Mrs. that he’s doing a wedding for a mate in Thailand and that it’s all expenses paid as long as he does the photos. I will be meeting him in Bangkok and we will be together for four days. He is bringing a crappy camera, not his very expensive ones, and I am going to grab a decent looking Nana or Cowboy special, go to a department store, buy her a nice dress then we are going to go to a nice hotel that has flowers set up in the lobby, near a bar and get photos of me and whoever is in the hotel bar together so he can show his Mrs. on his return. He is a deviant and I’m sure he will enjoy himself immensely in LOS

I have heard many horror stories about the farang and the bargirl, not just on Stick’s site. A friend of mine brought one back, and I can honestly say that I have never even gone near falling for one. But if guys want to go down that road then hey, each to their own. I love cruising around Bangkok either walking or skytrain just taking in the sights and smells. It’s amazing what you see if you just stop and look around for a while. I don’t think I could ever live in Bangkok as I would give my life expectancy about twelve months. Too much temptation.

The most pure form of a relationship between a man and a woman is of that between a man and a whore. Both know what they are there for.


nana plaza