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I Am Still In Love With A Slut, Oh Deary Me

  • Written by Bon Jovial
  • February 11th, 2013
  • 10 min read




I broke up with a woman about two years ago and here is my story.

There is socially defined moral system that I have internalised and I accepted that I would need to stand aside for some new partner because it is how the world of love and sex works. People strive to be loved. Just about everybody accepts this and when your ex picks up with someone and strives to love and be loved you accept this and you let go and you move on.

When your ex remains single and you have kept videos of her and regard it as the best and most erotic granny porn you have ever seen it is not surprising that it keeps the desire alive. In my mind I never stopped locating her as the source of my sexual desire and the videos kept meaning she satisfied it. I was able to stay friends with her because I do like her essence and I secretly kept having sex with her (in my mind) while at the same still preparing myself for letting go if she wanted to move on to love.

Then she recently discloses she had sex with a 25 year old (twice) and even her kids this same age were well aware of it and that it was a pub pick up, a one-night stand basically. These kids make some very poor relationship choices and also fit the slut label (their boyfriends don’t trust them and for good reason) and quite often get treated as such by their peers. She often goes on about how terrible it is that they allow themselves to be treated this way. So when she starts making decisions to have sex with people where love, liking and respect are all irrelevant and all that is relevant is physical attractiveness and a good patter that any woman could see through the word slut enters my mind. I can’t help that as that is what the word means to me. It’s sex without love and or respect or maybe even liking apart from the physical and some deluded ego gratification. The words cheap and easy spring to mind and visions of older men walking around Thailand with their young hookers equally enter my head as the male equivalent. Here is the funny thing though. Call a man a slut (or monger) and he couldn’t care less if his behaviour fits the mould but women get extremely offended by it and defensive regardless of how they behave. They are also very quick to judge each other by this same term but almost never themselves. In any case, in these personal circumstances the socially defined moral system initially referred to has to be thrown out and the rules have to be revised. We ain’t talking about love anymore.

I can accept that I wanted her and still do but I am pretty pissed off with the way I have deluded myself over a two year period. I played the friend card and allowed myself to be placed in the friend zone like a gay man because there was some genuine love and caring along with the sexual desire and I was willing to give a lot. Hey, sometimes this works but two years? How the hell did I get a Masters degree in Psychology (of all things) when I would appear to have about as much common sense as a cockhead. Talk about getting up every morning, puffing my chest out and crowing at the sun.

Anyway it started to seep into my consciousness that this nice guy routine really wasn’t working and so I tried a different tack of providing occasional speed (she is good to party with but I was aware of the devious aspect as well) but this didn’t hit the mark either apart from at least getting the disclosure about the youngster out of her.

In reflecting on this madness I have discovered a couple of things. One is that I was / am under the influence of two processes that create difficulties with rationality because they affect the chemical processes in the brain. One was the love / lust combo and the other was that phenomenon of wanting what you can’t get but which seems almost within your grasp if you could just reach a little further. We oldies know we can’t get attractive young birds (unless you have the right offer or are somehow exceptional) and it is easily, if begrudgingly, accepted. Acceptance of what is (i.e. she is not sexually interested) in this instance is proving to be a massive personal challenge.

So now my deviousness is reaching new lows and it is becoming a different sort of challenge. I have realised I am dealing with someone who is currently behaving as a slut by my definition and who needs to be viewed in this light. I don’t believe in applying labels as if they are the whole person or put on with a permanent marker and am aware if I simply said promiscuous it is the same thing but without the sting. It is yet to be seen if the young guy fling was a one off or whether the next cougar has been born into the world as she can certainly pull this off if she wants too. She was in Thailand with me once and commented that she felt invisible, that all the Thai eyes were on me and the western men were not giving her a first glance let alone a second one. True and we older men in the west sure know how that feels. Ten hours on an aeroplane and both older men and women find the world turned upside down. She did have a good time drinking and making friends with ladyboys though and as she is rather flexible in her sexual tastes I am sure she found them rather fascinating.

Some may have read through the lines already and realised that whatever other qualities she has and I see in her (and there are plenty) she is not a very responsible type especially financially and until relatively recently she didn’t need to be. The background is that like many women she has lived off men. The initial husband and father of her kids was a big earner and she was able to collect a good maintenance payment for over 15 years including during a 12 year relationship with another wealthy guy. Karma seems to have struck here though as he used her quite effectively to run his business for him the whole time by promising her the world and yet she walked away with nothing. A solicitor would have taken him to the cleaners but she was intimidated. He was a bit of a heavy biker and we all have our fears? He walked away with a younger and prettier version with bigger tits who he immediately bought a sports car. Cool?

Now she and her adult daughters are all seriously broke and the shit is about to hit the fan. The single mothers pension has been cut back here in Australia and there are all these stories in the news of women ringing up and applying for jobs as pole dancers and pros so we know what many women can and will do when things get tight enough. Now she won’t make it as a pole dancer and prostitution is a big leap for most women to make but she is pretty free of any sexual hang-ups. She has other options and could simply move back to her elderly mother’s or live with her daughters till she gets on her feet or even just quit smoking and she would be fine. I know however that all of these options are highly unpalatable to her and wouldn’t be surprised if she is toying with somehow using her sexuality to bail herself out. The young guys are certainly not going to help her in this regard but I would. Maybe the ex husband would too and he has a lot more money than me but he lives a long way away so I have that advantage.

Yes I know what I am saying. I want to turn my ex from a mere slut into a whore. What a sick [email protected]#$er I am? I am angry that not only is she doing this sort of thing but that all the women surrounding her are saying “25 year old, wow, you go girl” while giving each other the high five just like me and my mate were doing when we first encountered Walking street.

In Catholicism there is the father, the son and the holy ghost and in me there is the spirit, the ego and the psychologist. It is my ego (i.e. my conditioning as an Aussie male over a lifetime) that wants revenge of some sort, that wants to blame in order to protect itself from the fact that this woman would rather sleep with a 25 year old who is probably dissing her real bad, than with me, who despite the sick stuff, would do a lot for her and who still does actually care about this personable slut. The spirit in me (I am an Eckhart Tolle fan) says drop all these judgements, all these resentments, all this taking things personally and getting offended and so on. The ‘spirit’ is telling me that I am only bringing suffering upon myself (true) and it is totally unnecessary (true) and that this situation is precisely what I need in my life at this moment because I have a deep seated jealousy problem overall that I need to confront and transcend and that I should be grateful that another opportunity has arisen to do so. The psychologist is sitting in the background in a couple therapy session trying to mediate between these warring parties and, as usual, he isn’t doing a very good job. Yes, it’s all perfectly understandable Roger that she would do this and feel this way about it and that you would feel this way about it blah blah.

This too will pass. Who knows what the irrational life force we all share has in store for both of us as it plunges blindly ahead into the future hell bent on processes and reasons we can barely glimpse. Glory and perdition, happiness and unhappiness all await. I was a watching a man on tele who was 105 years old and who was trading stocks when the great depression fell in the 30’s (he is still trading) being interviewed about what it was like to be this age and he said “it’s a lot better and it’s a lot worse”. Even at half his age I know what he means.

Turns out I will be going back to Thailand. This bloody website has ruined all those egoic illusions I would have loved to believe that I am not a 53-year old frog but a hansum prince who could ride into town and rescue some damsel who was really a princess and not a whore. Putting all that aside I need to come back (at least twice) for some dental tourism and I guess while I am there I might as well spend some money contributing to the coffers of poor Thai girls who need it a lot more than some western woman who is still spoilt enough to be able to smoke incessantly and root young guys. She would say to me “why can’t you just be friends with me and let me make my own sexual choices without your judgement” which is a pretty fair comment. The ego however has judged and just wants to say to her “How much for short time and how much for long time” and then compare prices. I wonder if she will still want to be friends when I do ask her this question. It feels like it would clear the slate.

My New Year's resolution was to become more social and that includes corresponding with some of my favourite stickman writers so some of you might hear from me in your emails.

Part of my writing style is to always mention Dana. Dude, that Caveman shit is seriously funny. I hope he thinks so too but I wouldn’t be too sure about that.

I will leave you with a joke?

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

Bon Jovial

PS: I deleted all those videos after the disclosure to give myself a break from this non sense and so that I wouldn’t do something mean and upload them to the internet. A good move I reckon but what do I do now that this article is finished?