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Thailand Trip Report 2 of 4

  • Written by Anonymous
  • January 2nd, 2013
  • 19 min read


Black Pagoda Patpong Bangkok



Day 1.

The flight into Phuket on Nok Air is great – short flight with TONS of leg room. I mean tons. Like double what you normally get. That's nice. My driver sent by the Yorkshire Hotel picks me up. I land at around 3:30 on a Tuesday and traffic is insane. My driver takes a back road through the center of the island which eventually gets me there but I am pretty sure the drive took more time than the flight from Bangkok!

I booked the Yorkshire based on many many positive reviews. However as soon as I arrived I began to think I had made a mistake. It is wedged down the soi closest to Rock City. I get in my room and I am then certain this is going to suck. The small windows overlook shitty rooftops just below the second floor and anyway none of the blinds work. They have separated the bathroom into a toilet room and the shower room. Kind of stupid since they are on the other side of room from each other. The room itself is decorated nicely in a classic Thai style. However the floors look like waxed concrete. There is a black rug that appears to be made of curly black tape. I try not to think about all the dirty things that have found their way into this nasty looking floor covering. The safe is not intuitive. So I am disappointed. This room is one of the nicer rooms the hotel offers and it is the same price as the awesome suite I had at the Dawin(3,600 – 3,800 baht). I think to myself mai pen rai…this is Thailand.. sabai sabai…etc..I'm in Phuket…painfully far from the beach but in Phuket and I am not going to let this get me down.

It's early evening and I head out for a bite to eat. I know what will turn things around with a visit to the Savoey restaurant. On a 2008 trip I think I ate lobster and prawns like 7 days in a row. I know the manager and they make great drinks. I head there and am not disappointed. The same guy still runs the place and he remembers me right away. So I have an amazing seafood dinner filled with lobster and prawns and several stiff tropical drinks. It's now early evening and time to start doing bad things.

As I walk down Bangla Road I have a sense that I don't belong here! Families are everywhere and western women it seems almost outnumber western men. I remember this mix before but now it feels much more pronounced. I'm a guy walking alone. Why would a guy be here alone? Because I am a whoremonger of course and everyone seems to glance at me as if of course that is the case. Most likely my own self-consciousness but the place makes you feel that way.

I head down Soi Sea Dragon and begin going bar to bar buying people shots and getting drunk. There are many gogo bars on this soi and I make it a point to look inside every one of them. Oh man, they are small and the women don't look so good. Way more fat women than I have ever seen before. I can't help it…this place just blows!

As I make my way around the soi I see Korean and Japanese male and female tourists and farang couples everywhere. Oh my god, this is a hugely uncool environment! A circus and a freak show more than an adult playground! Four years ago the punters were still the majority. No longer and it is not even close! I head into Erotica which is a bit bigger and there are some cute women in there. The place has women pulling razor blades on strings and live birds out of their muffs. By the time I leave I count 16 white women and 20 men in the place. Holy shit.

I head over to Rock A Gogo. Cute women. Less friendly than in Bangkok it seems. I chat up one dancer who looks like she is Japanese. She is Thai of course but has made herself look as appealing to J customers as possible. We talk and have a reasonably good time so I bar fine her. 1,000 Baht! That's right – 1,000 Baht. She is nowhere near as hot as the girls I was getting in Bangkok so it feels really obnoxious but whatever, I am already committed. We head back to my hotel and do it a couple of times for several hours. It is then that I realize that right behind my room is a Thai only bar. As the night progresses they are getting more and more drunk and eventually in the little Thai I know I realize that one Thai is threatening to stab the other. My gogo girl and I can not sleep. I barfined her and paid for long time but I say just take off so you can get some sleep. Now I'm for sure pissed.

Day 2

The next morning I trek over to Safari Beach Hotel and book a sea view deluxe suite. I had stayed there before and knew it was awesome. Got my stuff and checked out. I had paid a 10,000 baht deposit to the Yorkshire that was understood to be non-refundable. Keep it! I am [email protected]#$ing out of here. To be fair the female British manager at the Yorkshire tried to get me a different room and showed me some options. She was very very nice but I really hated the room, the location and the style of the hotel. The staff was nice as was the food. But man, that place made me want to just go home or head to Pattaya early.

I spent the day doing some shopping, relaxing and sleeping. Around midnight I head out again. So far Phuket has been under whelming but I really need to turn it around. There are very few boring situations that rounds of Tequila shots will not solve. I stop at one little bar that I had a beer or two at and decide to buy a round for every customer in the place. To my shock and horror every single customer declines…except…of course the Australians! They took two each! Then they made me drink a shot of whiskey. Australians are bad ass, that's all there is to it.

I then head down Soi Sea Dragon determined to make that soi something I have a good memory of. I had played things wrong the night before, I thought. I went in looking for pure sex and that is not the way to do it. I see one of the center bars filled with hot women. As hot as any gogo dancers, these ladies look super bored. Again…Tequila to the rescue! I buy a round for everyone and then start to play that dice game where you try and get numbers 1 through 9. I tell them every winner gets another free drink. This goes on for a while with a couple of ladies winning. After a while I feel like barfining 3 of them and going dancing. They are super pumped and happy. We head to Hollywood. We get bottle service and dance like rabid monkeys until 2 or 3 AM. Then back to the hotel for a foursome. Walking down Bangla Road with all 4 of us drunk as shit was awesome. Yes, white women give me that look of disgust but I am about to have better sex than that poor bastard with you will ever have. High fives from men and looks of disgust from white women …very nice. :) I'm taking back Patong for the punters, you bitches, and you get the hell out of my way! What followed was more awesome than any porno I have ever seen. By 6 AM the girls are hungry and two go off to get food while one stays behind. We eat and pass out. Once again I drift off to sleep and this time I think…"Phuket is actually pretty cool when you go big."

Day 3

In the morning after some hugs and what not the ladies clear out. It's worth mentioning that of course I ALWAYS wear condoms. I never give oral <Wise, with working girls it dining at the garbage dumpStick> and in general I am as careful as you can be when your banging at this point – so far 9 women in 4 days. I brought a pack of 50 condoms with me. Always bring your own condoms. The girls don't always have enough. For a foursome when you are changing condoms every time you switch girls, well they certainly do not come prepared for that. The worst thing in the world would be to have the three women ready and then have to make a drunken trip to 7 Eleven to buy Thai brand condoms. Super buzz kill. Bring your own!

I feel like bar girls are more fun with less of the freak show spectacle aspect of Phuket gogo bars. Between 11 and 12 the bars are filled with hot bargirls. The one exception is the outdoor gogo bars like Lion bar on Bangla. I stopped by the same bar to see my foursome girls who had promised to get me some weed. They did..or so it seemed. More on that later. I had a fun night drinking with a bunch of different bargirls at various bars and end up bar fining one. 2500 baht for long time. After one session I am thinking that was ok…the tits are kind of small and I think I would rather sleep than hang out with this girl. My prayer is immediately answered. Her friend calls and supposedly needs her help. "Oh no problem please take care of your friend." Sure sure broken motorcycle, sick buffalo it's all goodbye. I really should just start paying for short time because I usually get bored…the foursome so far being the exception. She says, "I tell the boss I go with you long time already so I will get in trouble if I leave early." I tell her here is our story…we screwed all night. Woke up and had breakfast together and you left around 10 AM. We shake on it and she bails.

Now to check out the weed. So I am from California and weed is basically legal there and I smoke all the time. I know my weed that's for sure. I open it up and at first glance it looks ok but then I smell it. Awww shit this is not weed. I decide well maybe they conceal the smell and I try and smoke. Most likely banana leaves or something. The girl had gotten it from her cousin and she didn't smoke. I don't blame her for it…but man I have gotten weed in Phuket from jet ski guys and it is always the BOMB…and I don't even know them. Pretty lame but we have plans to dance again tomorrow night and I intend to give them my own sick buffalo story…the weed was 2 thousand THB and that its coming off their fee one way or the other. Only a couple of more days in Phuket and I am more than ready to leave. <Thailand is NOT the place to drugs and I am sure you know that the penalties are VERY harshStick>

Day 4

Another slow and lazy day. A blister on my toe from dancing has me limping everywhere I go like I was boned in the ass or something. Man I look a wreck. I stop by Scruffy Murphy's for lunch, an Irish pub located on Bangla Road. I highly recommend it. After a while Thai beer gets old and they have at least Killkenny in pints plus they have great food. Very cool live music at night as well. Am I bored of whores already? My goal is 30 for the trip..my last trip I did 23 in 3 weeks. Shooting for 30 in 16 days seemed like a good goal but I am not sure I really can take much more of their company…lol. I'll go back and dream about Thailand for the next year but being here in Phuket really accents the least cool things about Thailand. Ok…how many Indian tailors can there be??? Like every 2 feet they are jumping out at me. I learn to answer them in French and look bewildered when they talk to me in English and a few other broken languages. No I don't want DVDs, or a T-Shirt or anything other piece of crap you are selling. The high pressure tactics of Bangla Road paired with the extremely lame day time atmosphere is really pronounced. The thing to do in the day in Phuket is hit the beach… preferably high but oh well. When you are solo how do you go in the water and have your stuff on the beach? Seems pretty unsecured. Maybe tomorrow I'll get at least 1 beach day. One thing is for sure next year I will be Bangkok and Pattaya only. Phuket would be wonderful with a girlfriend or wife…but really if you want a romantic getaway go to Samui anyway.

The sun sets and I prepare for my second to last night of trying to find something that is new and interesting. The plan was to go dancing with the foursome girls again but since I can barely walk that doesn't sound appealing. I'll just play it by ear. I bounce around to 5 or 6 bars wanting to make sure I have a little experience with every soi buying shots along the way. Fun people and good experiences everywhere I go.

What happens next changes everything I think about Phuket. I have to be careful in describing things at this point to protect myself and the super cool people involved. I stop by a little bar on a side soi that looks like not much is happening. Two girls say hi and I buy them drinks and start playing connect four. We drink for a bit longer than I normally was staying that evening because one of the girls speaks basically perfect English and is super super fun to talk with. Brazenly I tell her the story of being given banana leaves instead of weed and I tell her I will most likely never come back to Phuket. She says woah woah. I fix everything. Come back around midnight and you and I will go take care of it. Fine I say. I run around a bit more and do more drinking and then return. When I return I buy her and her friend who is very quiet and sweet a drink. Then I barfine her and off we go. Now this is the part of the movie…if this was a movie…where the camera freezes…and a narrator says something like "This is where shit goes crazy!"

We walk down a main soi and as we walk it is obvious that the entire city knows her. All the tuktuk drivers…and every thug looking Thai along the sidewalks. She is for sure connected. I will not give the details of where I went but I ended up in a place with maybe 10 people playing reggae music with the smell of weed everywhere. There was no finding this place nor gaining entry without my guide. We go inside and I chill and drink and eventually a huge joint shows up. I only took a few hits, not sure of the strength. HOLY SHIT. The best weed I have ever had in Thailand. So damn I am high. She begins telling me about islands we can go to where it grows wild and there is nothing but Komodo lizards and trees. She is telling me this while she dances island girl style. I'm so damn high and this girl is so [email protected]#$ing cool! Phuket is awesome if you know who to talk to, I decide. The whole way she is making me drink water and telling me to chill..I think I was so high that I must have looked a little tweaked. We get up to leave and I go to bring the huge joint I barely touched. No she says. I can get you more later. If you walk around with it and police smell something we [email protected]#$ed. Good advice I decide. I leave high but without the weed. It's very late. Walking in the middle of the day with weed in your pocket is one thing. Walking at night sticking like weed is another.

We walk back to her bar where I ring the bell and buy drinks for everyone. Back at the bar I start to realize that my new friend and her girlfriend are hard as nails and do a lot of serious fighting. I hear the story about a British guy who was about to pee in front of a hotel. She intervened and told him don't do that or the security guards are going to beat your ass. Three times the guy called her a [email protected]#$ before finally she kicked him in the balls and began stomping him. Then 4 Chinese girls with his group tried to jump in and according to her sweet quiet friend my girl proceeded to bash the shit out of all four of them. The quiet shy one is the real enforcer I found out and I hear story after story how they take on drunk farangs who step over the line. In case you ever decided to [email protected]#$ with Thai people…and somehow all your reading on Stickman was not enough to stop you…after being on the inside with these girls for a night and hearing their side of things I will tell you do NOT [email protected]#$ with Thai people. I would take these two Thai women on my side in a fight over 80% off the foreign tourists I see in the country. Theses girls were hardcore ass beaters and hot. Damn that is so hot.

Then she wants to go see live music…so we go. Along the way she stops at key bars all along Bangla and side Sois where she gets every owner from each of these bars and some staff to meet me. She tells them a lot in Thai but in English she says this is <Insert my name here> if you see him protect him don't let anyone [email protected]#$ with him. They all hug me, shake my hand etc. And I buy lots of drinks. :)

We get to the live music. The band is great and she of course knows the band and most Thai staff in there. We have fun but I realize that this girl is a serious drinker. She must have had 15 drinks. Once we left her bar sometimes she paid and sometimes I paid. Nice touch I guess. But now she is getting tooooo drunk so I make her drink water. In the back of my mind I am thinking at any moment she might beat someone down and if I try and get involve I will be beaten down as well. I tell her I will walk her back to her bar. I have no intention of sleeping with a Mafia princess.

We walk back and it is late and she says I want to make sure you safe we go to your hotel and then I will walk home. There is no way she can walk by herself at this point. We get to my hotel and I tell her she can crash here and I will just sleep on the couch. We had made it clear earlier we were just friends. I go to the bathroom and come back out. She is totally naked with her ass in the air on the bed smiling at me. Oh man. If I piss this girl off in any way I am dead. I really don't want to do her for that reason. She is super hot and sexy…I try and sit down on the couch and she says are you gay or something….ok god dammit that's it. Five hours later…I am totally not exaggerating…5 hours later we finally stop and sleep. I don't think I have ever been with a girl with a higher sexual appetite. Not sure what I have gotten myself into but finally I am not bored in Phuket.

Day 5

The next morning we eat breakfast and talk and part ways. She never asks for any money for the sex. I've made a very powerful and dangerous friend. I'm happy about my experience but also not unhappy that I leave for Pattaya soon as I feel too close to a flame and it feels like getting burned is just a wrong comment away. Time for one more night out. Then tomorrow I fly Bangkok Airways to Pattaya. I promised to come by and see my Mafia Princess one more time… please let me live through this…

I stop by and everything is cool. Buy a few drinks and say I will be back later. Short time a girl at Lion Bar on Bangla. Hot..uneventful gets the body count to 12. I head back to the Mafia Princess bar and we go once again to the secret weed place. We drink, we screw all night and that's it.

So I violated so many monger rules and got involved with some crazy shit but in the end Phuket was a net positive. I made a lot of friends…or at least showed myself to be a great customer in many many places and incurred some good will for the next trip. I can't believe I never set foot on the beach. My hotel room was on the beach and I looked at the ocean all the time but anyway kind of weird. I also want to mention that towards the end of the trip I spent more time out late at night and down dirty little sois. The family crap certainly goes away for late night. And once the bars close things get dark and menacing looking quickly. Bangla road in the early evening is a nightmare circus of families and white girls. Bangla after 2:00 looks as hardcore as anything like this can. So props I guess.

That's it for Phuket. Now on to 5 days in Pattaya!! See you next time.

Cheers,

American Ling


Stickman's thoughts:

It sounds like you had a lot of fun. One thing I'd be curious about is your budget. Sounds like your daily spend was a decent chunk of change!

Do consider avoiding drugs in Thailand. The penalties really are very, very harsh.