Stickman Readers' Submissions January 26th, 2013

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 364

"Personally, I find hairy pubed shotgun wielding raven haired beauties with Mickey Mouse quilted long underwear a turn on." (TT&A)

Sa wa dii khraps kuhns and kuhnesses of the most hansum man and suay maak variety. Today a number of unrelated items for your delectation (white people talkin') and amusement. All Stick approved (he made me mention him). No mentions made of Professor Korski, or Chiang Mai Kelly's various girlfriends. I can hear that gigantic whoosh as the tension leaves your body. You didn't get that from Herman Melville as he penned Moby Dick. Just tension from start to finish.

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Anyway . . . oh, and just a reminder of what you already know. There is no need to take notes anymore or make copies on your own. Free transcripts of these submissions are now available from The transcripts are unbound and there is a limit of one transcript per submission per request. All are shipped in plain brown parcels except for transcripts sent to Vatican City. They require ridiculous and silly special packaging attention. And as an addenda or corollary to this subject matter: do not put attention any particular lady on your request for a transcript. Turnover at is now so great that no personnel can be depended on. Apparently, he goes through employees like prunes go through an old lady. Just sayin'.

Of course we welcome walk-ins at Dana Enterprises on South Pattaya Road in Pattaya but please no sandals and socks, or any clothing related to soccer or rugby. I am trying through exposure and example to lift up my female employees life expectations. Seeing Nammy, Pammy, or Lammy going off with one of these fools is like a knife in the heart. And please, please I am begging you . . . please do not give them a manuscript for them to give to me for 'just a look'. We have so much of this stuff that we used it for insulation between the studs before we put up the drywall on the office extension. I know someone who can be often be seen pulling a little red wagon around town who can review manuscripts. If you email me I can supply his address. Except for his crazy attraction to run-on sentences and commas he can be trusted to make good editing decisions and he just loves the attention. If you are lucky enough to get his address tell all of your writer friends about him.


All is entropy and hope beguiles with empty promise. In the end only Satan smiles. But in the meantime there are airplanes. Get on one and come to Thailand. And now . . . but first: entering a writing contest or hoping to receive writing attention? Perhaps it would be helpful to consider this quote from Chekov:

"Better to perish from fools than to accept praises from them."

Every sold book is a form of praise. More delicious intravenous ego entering a psychic vein. Another contest won. But how many of the books that go home are read from the first page to the last page? Here on Beacon Hill I go trash picking Sunday night, Tuesday night, and Thursday night. Lots of unread books and magazines. Being a writer is a morass of compromise. Best to choke down desire and just keep writing. Go Buddhist and think of the writing as a personal mantra not intended to influence or connect with materialism. So there aren't really any defensible reasons to enter a writing contest. Except vanity. Successfully deal with vanity and you can have a happy life. Good luck. And now:

There is no God and life has no meaning. There is only Danaism. In theory, after accepting this there would not be any reason to think or speak ever again. However, inertia and ego combined create a mighty force. That is my excuse for offering up this story titled:

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After consultations with friends, Fa, lawyers, international movers and shakers, Church of Dana deacons, super smart mamasans, Dana Fan Club members, United Nations humanitarian mission operatives, and published authors of influence and power; I have decided not to go all the way to Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 1000.

I know, I know; I can feel your pain. Upon hearing this, office girls here at Dana Enterprises (Ming and Ding and Bing and Bang) on South Road in Pattaya have been crying, soi dogs have been throwing themselves in front of Chinese tour buses, and boardwalk trannies have declared a one day moratorium on stealing. Furrowed brows of confusion, consternation, and disappointment are worldwide, Examples:

1. Flopnot Bumrash of Muddy Boots, Australia said:

"What the fxxx man? I believed in you."

2. Garth Bussilini of Naples, Italy emailed:

"Why don't you just plunge a knife in my heart you flaming Dickhead?"

3. and this from Tornlip Ferguson, labor organizer for wheelchair athletes, Peatbog, Scotland:

"Nice going Commander Jerkwad. Not only am I legless, but now I have no more Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Parts 400-1000 to look forward to. Why don't you just stick pins in my stumps? Monster."

4. and this: "Sweet Jesus on a cracker. No going to Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 1000? Did I hear that right? What's next? Gravity is rescinded? Dogs stop barking? Try a new medication Dana. Grab the reins. Make a commitment. And we'll all meet you in the future at the Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 1000 party. Rock on dude."

from Booger Nation, Fanny Bay, British Columbia, Canada.

5. and lastly this from Stickman of who yelled this at me at the Angels Bar in Bangkok:

"Don't forget, you still have to wash and wax my metallic flaked candy can red Benz convertible on Saturday. And try and be on time Jackass."

Tough talk from the Kingdom's most respected expat but you could hear the broken heart in his voice. I don't feel good about causing worldwide sadness but it is what it is. I can't make Fa happy and also write. I am 100% positive you understand and believe I have made the right choice. I had to make a choice between brilliant writing and a stupid drifter prostitute. If you have any further responses or comments regarding this Breaking News Dana Note please send them to c/o Stickman, rather than to Dana Enterprises here in Pattaya. We have cried enough.

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