Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 362

  • Written by Dana
  • January 12th, 2013
  • 4 min read





CAVEMAN VS. DANA: RECIPES AND ATTITUDES

People are different. From each other. People are different from each other. Not everyone is the same as everyone else. Of course it would be better if everyone was exactly like me but there you are. It is an imperfect world. Anyway, you can often spot the differences between people in how open they are about food. Take Caveman for instance. He is ex-military and a committed vegan. What is the connection? Well, he may know how to decoratively carve a giant watermelon into the shape of an M-16 rifle, but he is not going to tell you how to do it. Why? Secrets, the military is all about secrets and keeping secrets. Even though he is now a civilian he can't let the whole secrets thing go.

Thai girlfriend: Caveman, do you love me?
Caveman: I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you.

Like I said, secrets. So don't be bothering to ask him how he garnishes a shredded carrot salad. He is not going to tell you and he does not like the question. You don't want him painting your name on big bullets in his apartment.

Me, I'm different. I'm a giver. I don't have a whole bunch of secrets. For instance: I buy used underwear from a retired mamasan in an outer Pattaya neighborhood known for chain link fence, broken concrete building blocks, and barking dogs. There, see what I mean? Why keep that a secret? Anyway, Caveman is a vegan and I am what you might call a more manly eater. People ask me all the time for different recipe ideas regarding cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes. There are a gazillion different ways to make great cheeseburgers and great chocolate shakes. I tell everything I know. If I myself knew how to carve a giant cheeseburger into an M-16 I would tell you. You would not be able to shut me up. Like I said, I'm a giver. Caveman wouldn't give you one of his turds. It's an ex-military vegan turd and he's not giving it away. It might be holding a secret.

Anyway, I have recently invented a great new drink to augment the Dana-Monger diet and I am going to tell you the recipe right now. First, get either some thin lipped Tom Collins style drink glasses or some cut crystal glass whiskey tumblers and put them in the refrigerator to chill. Now go to your closest 7-11 near the Mothership in Bangkok or Foodland on Soi 5 and buy one can of beer (Thai or foreign) and one bottle of chocolate milk. Now go back to your hotel room. Mix the beer and the chocolate milk equally. Pour the beer in the glass first and then pour in the chocolate milk. The heavier milk does the mixing. No need for swizzle sticks. Ah, wonderful.

Ambrosia. Nectar of the gods. Paradise. Drink of the farang gods. Let's examine what this drink contains: fermented grains, mysterious toxic chemicals, milk, more mysterious toxic chemicals, chocolate, massive amounts of sugar, high probability of diabetic sugar shock coma, pretty colors, delightful coldness, alcohol, and affordability.

Maybe it is just me, but Caveman can keep his ex-military vegan turd and his vegan recipe secrets. Me, I'm making another run to Foodland for more beers and more chocolate milk. Man food for manly men who are doing manly things in a manly way. And I'm telling the world. That's the kind of guy I am. Go ahead, ask me for one of my turds. I'll give it to you. Don't even have to think about it. I'm a giver. Just the way I'm made. And you won't have to salute it either. Don't get me wrong. I love this Caveman guy but if he thinks we are all going to line up and salute his ex-military vegan turds he is mistaken. Just sayin'. I'm a go-along get-along guy, but I've got a line in the sand on this one. I don't care if it's got a pink silk bow tied around it and it is held in an antique Hi-So tampon box: I'm not saluting. You might wonder how this would even come up in a person's mind. Believe me, there have been incidents.

People are not all the same. Honestly, sometimes I wonder how this guy's mind works. I'm no Army expert but I wonder if he might have spent too much time in a bunker outside Godthab, Greenland counting snowball grenades. Around eight weeks ago I ran into an ex-photography assistant of his and she said that he has waterproof epaulettes that he wears in the shower. Hey, I'm not judging. Just sayin'. But if this guy thinks the world is going to line up and salute one of his ex-military probably secret organic vegan turds I think he will be disappointed.

However, I don't want to sound like an island. There is some overlap between Mr. Caveman and Mr. Me. I do have one secret
that I will take to the grave. It is what I whisper to Fa in the middle of the night. You knew that.

Fa: Dana, do you love me?
Me: Yes Fa, I love you.

Caveman vs. Dana: Recipes and Attitudes. Something to think about. Oh, and if you want to know where to buy used underpants in Pattaya, just send me an email..



Stickman's thoughts:

With all this infatuation of Caveman, the hinges on your closet seem to be straining…