Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 361

  • Written by Dana
  • January 5th, 2013
  • 7 min read





Attention Stickmanbangkok aficionados and Dana cognoscenti:

We start with a Dana Note, a short little essay, and a little story/essay and then at the end a Caveman Note. Anyway, enjoy. And on another subject. My people are talking to Stick's people and we are considering having a regular weekly feature in my submissions called FA SPEAKS. You would be able to send in questions to Fa and she would answer them. Fa is not a good Thai woman and she is no farang's wife. Perhaps a different point-of-view that could be informational and entertaining. I would serve as her proofreader and editor, but there would not be any rewriting. Let me know what you think. Or let Stick know. Do not speak to her about this on the boardwalk. That is the way of madness. As always: SAFF (Stay Away From Fa). Oh, and one more thing; if you are over age fifty you might wonder in reading the Dana Note: Service to Humanity if 'Rooting For Truffles' was a band in the 80's. Yes it was a band. I played the triangle.

DANA NOTE:

A Stickmanbangkok. com contributor named Caveman has been espousing the health benefits of a vegan diet. Interested readers, with a sparked interest in health and nutrition, have emailed me and inquired about my health regimen in Thailand. Well, there are two approaches, the short stay of the tourist, and the longer stay of the expat. In other words, nutrition temporarily aside: how do I avoid getting sick in Thailand? Well, to quote myself:

"For trips under 30 days, the best Third World Health Regimen is to not eat or drink anything local. It is called water fasting. Bottled water only. I have my water shipped from America in sterilized shipping crates. Freight transferring and stevedoring is handled by white gloved virgins form Udon. They haven't touched anything bad; not even themselves. The water is then boiled and filtered on a need-to-use basis in local hospital labs. It is tested first on lab rats. Successful autopsies clear it for my use.

To review: No local water–no local food. No touching doorknobs, and I levitate when taking a dump. I try not to open my mouth when outside. I wear a jumbo condom that pulls down over my whole body. If asked, I mention rain.

I am not without self-interest or scientific acumen. So trips are made to the Bumrungrad Hospital clinic every four days for regimens of intravenous vitamin C, vitamins B, minerals, hydrogen, and photo-luminescence. Rigorous record keeping regarding vein sites prevents vein collapse. I swallow large capsules of blast-furnaced sand to keep involuntary large and small intestine reactions normal. I have no problem with regularity. The sand comes out like a howitzer shell. Nausea and vomiting are positive side effects. Everything is going well.

At the end of my vacations in Thailand, I always have to be delivered to the plane door with the assistance of two private duty nurses. I am too weak to walk. But at least I am not sick."

Obviously, for the longer stay of the expat a diet regimen like the above needs heavy supplementation with cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes. In Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 354 I noted that soon Fa and myself will be criss-crossing the Chiang Mai area identifying great cheeseburger and chocolate shake establishments. This naturally is only a preface to touring the whole country in search of the kind of diet regimen that expats need. Baby steps.

The email tsunami wave of worldwide interest in this has caused server meltdowns in Surin, Rangoon, Fiji, Stick's apartment, and Vatican City; but we here at Dana Enterprises will persevere. Service to humanity is our watchword and our mantra. To facilitate this worldwide hunger for and dissemination (white people talkin') of dietary information we will be publishing a monthly subscription newsletter regarding great places in the Kingdom to get cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes. It will be called the Thailand Burger and Shake Report (TBSR). Subscription? Yes, we have enormous expenses. The 16,000cc cycle with sidecar that Fa and myself use for research purposes sucks gasoline faster than a Soi 6 bargirl sucks . . . well, you understand. And there are other expenses. Fa has never seen a gold shop she didn't like and she likes to 'invest' money in plush animals that she sends back to her apartment in Pattaya. Don't ask.

Anyway, there are expenses. Of course, members of the Dana Fan Club will receive this monthly newsletter for free. You knew that. So stay tuned. Fan and her side car companion, me, will be digging up great Kingdom cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes like amphetamine laced French pigs rooting for truffles. And of course it will all be in the Thailand Burger and Shake Report (TBSR), another proud product/service of Dana Enterprises. So there you have it information seekers: dietary advice and information for short term tourists and long term expats. Who loves ya baby? Dana does.

COMMUNICATE IN A MEANINGFUL WAY

"Categories such as time, space, cause, and number represent the most general relations which exist between things; surpassing all our other ideas in extension, they dominate all the details of our intellectual life. If humankind did not agree upon these essential ideas at every moment, if they did not have the same conception of time, space, cause, and number, all contact between their minds would be impossible . . . " — Emile Durheim, Les formes elementaires de la vie religieuse
(Paris, 1912, pp. 22-23)

How about you Mr. Farang Man: are you able to communicate in a meaningful way regarding time, space, cause,, and number with your Thai girlfriend that you met outside Chulalongkorn University (she is getting a Bachelor's degree in Marketing)? I know you were only there to sniff bicycle seats; but then God smiled on you, and you got lucky and you met her. And you do not have to tell me how this changed your life. You have not thought about sniffing ladies' bicycle seats since then. She just took over your mind. But can you communicate with her? If she is crying are you 100% sure you know why she is crying? Maybe you are in over your head. People like to criticize me in a negative way because I form alliances with Pattaya boardwalk creatures. They are considered too primitive, not sufficiently intellectually engaging. But I think I am ahead on farang points. I think I know what I am doing.

OPEN MINDED

I think one of the markers of being an adult is being open-minded. For example: people say a shrew has never mated with an elephant. Ah come on, never? Never? Are you trying to tell me that if you put 100 male shrews in a room and 100 female elephants in a room and a 100 whiskey bottles in the room that nothing would happen? Nothing? In Thailand? Seems silly now doesn't it? Like I said, I think one of the markers of being an adult is being open-minded. Ever seen a female elephant after about fifty bottles of whiskey? Ever seen swingin' dick male shrews after a few sips of whiskey? Believe me when I tell you: something is going to happen. And what would I be doing at this shindig? Renting ladders.

CAVEMAN NOTE:

In a recent Caveman submission he went into some detail regarding his desire to buy a motorcycle and various troubles with the process, etc. It put me to mind that I have attended two motorcycle gatherings (can't remember how they name themselves) in the past and had a great time. If Caveman lived in bad old Bangkok these great shows could be a part of his life and maybe he could buy a great used bike. Another topic we never hear from him: why doesn't he just get a friend to help him and a portable welding rig and go to a junk yard and cut out all the stuff he needs and build his own bike? I can't be the only person thinking this.

After the assembly he could go to a furniture refinishing shop and have the thing lowered into the acid tank. That would prepare it for chrome. Sweet Jesus on a cracker: do I have to do all of the thinking here? In other words, what kind of a pansy ass is this guy? Real men build their own bikes. Once I move to Thailand I intend to build a Phantom bike out of rebar and roadside litter. Difference? No chrome for me. I would dip the thing in acetone thinned epoxy and then throw sand at it. I'm a real man.

Anyway, I wish this Caveman dude a bright happy motorcycling future but I gotta tell ya; I think he would benefit from my advice. In fact, if he does not show signs pretty soon of wising up and doing the right things; I may have to take time out of my busy day and write an essay on the subject. I've got some photos of Fa and I doing some welding and I could include those maybe. I helped her weld up a make-up case but that is a whole other story..