Readers' Submissions

Do You Speak Woman, Professor?

  • Written by SAM
  • January 3rd, 2013
  • 6 min read




I've been 6 days without internet. Or only depending on my very slow mobile connection so on most days I have been unable to have my coffee with humorous and entertaining Stickman submissions. But it seems that there has not been so many anyway. Guys, you should keep them coming, I need them to humor myself and kick myself going in the mornings.


As a side note, TOT replied last Tuesday when the problems started on Saturday. Monday was some sort of a holiday and the female voice told me that they were on holiday and that's why nothing was done – or noticed. Our smallish village has maybe 30+ internet users all interested to join CAT Telecom network next month when the yearly subscription is due. There is a cable already and CAT is willing to put up a server if there are 10 subscribers. Well, this was a side note and now to the subject. Actually, I might be addicted to my morning coffee with Stickman submissions…hmm…


I noticed that dear Professor, who has his own office and secretary and probably a study that I could fit my entire 200+ square meter household, was asking us mere mortals whether we are losers or not. Might be, since we have been called buffaloes, twats, old-bald-and-fat and all kinds of nice names. Loser is a popular word used by people who tend to put themselves on the pedestal for others to admire. Professor himself can't be a loser since he so profoundly makes clear how well-to-do a person he is. I can see him in his study writing a book called 'How To Understand A Woman' or alternatively 'Manual For Females' since he wrote this line:


"None of the criteria speak to what is inside the women’s heart" here.


I must say that I needed to read that sentence twice…no…three times and I was full of excitement of the fact that he has probably cracked the secret that has been bothering us males so long. I truly wish I could be him and understand female nature since all my experiences suggest otherwise. Well, not the latest that's been ongoing for more than seven years – at least so far.


My early experience was like this. I was around 12 and Emma (let's call her that) suggested that we would start to be like 'that'. I mean, like kissing, cuddling and maybe I could see what most men like to see but don't understand. Unfortunately, my quick answer and return of interest backfired. Emma went with another guy and when asking her why – years later – she replied: "You were too quick to answer my question."


Great.


I have never been in the front line of engagement between sexes. Mostly I am happy in my life reading books by other people who have explored what men want to explore but do not fully understand.


My second serious chance came while around 18 and the young lady was inviting and all. I was thinking about my experience with Emma and tried to do the slow approach and go to the movies, buy presents and the rest before engaging in the thing that most men want but do not really know why. This time I felt sure that it would be the fulfillment of my early years only to find myself at her door and when opened found another guy had filled my position already. This time I was told that I was too slow in my approach…


Once I was with a girl that wanted and insisted on spending some time with her own friends. Whenever she went with them, I went with my pal John (not his real name either). She went shopping and whatever females do which doesn't seem to be the things males do and I went to the local coffee shop / pub talking to my friend about male issues which don't seem to be the thing for females. She broke up the relationship because I spent too much time with my pal, John. It didn't matter that she never wanted me to go with her or that she obviously had spoken very badly of my 'misconduct' to her friends.


Due to all these incidents, I started to like few amber pints of beer whenever the pattern seemed to repeat itself. I dated a girl that wanted to be together all the time and that ended because 'You spend so much time with me'. I have answered an SMS message asking me to join in for a theater play in the evening and simply replied 'Yes' and got a text back saying that I was being rude – in the middle of a building job and on a working day. 'Yes' is rude and 'No' would be a slap on the face? Prose is verse and verse is merely prose, as Byron once replied to a bad criticism.


I have been on and off with a lady for 15 years and we ended up marrying which I thought was not too much to my liking but I wished to have a reasonable marriage and nice kids. She didn't want kids – which she told me when we actually were married – and when we finally split, she said that she never trusted me in all those 15 years. What can one say? I wish that future male generations can read Mr. Professor's book 'The Marrying Man's Guide To The Female Universe' before they make their decisions. I wish I'd had it when I was introduced to The Game.


The interactions with my ex-wife were interesting. All the speaking reminded me of an unbreakable circle that always started from the same thing and ended with the same results. I can only say that she normally said something along the lines of: 'I have the right', 'I am entitled to this', 'We must, need and have to do this in this way' or my all time favorite 'This is my property, not yours' (This was when I suggested that we would combine our assets and buy a nicer property in the center of the town. I had a house in the countryside and she a two bedroom flat in the city.


Luckily, I decided one New Year that if she doesn't want to have kids that will be the end. I gave her one month to reconsider her position or I would leave her. The answer she gave speaks volumes: 'You don't dare to leave me!' That meant that she would speak badly about me to everyone she knew and so on. The divorce cost was 100K Euros ten years ago. Best money I have ever paid.


I am happy that Professor can speak Woman but then – I am a loser. What can a man do about that? In my first workplace around 1990 and 1991 when the recession gave a hard blow to my country it gave me the insight that all good things can come to an end. The bank I worked for went bankrupt (hah!) and I had hell of a job finding another position. I was lucky. Those other workers in that place also had their offices, education, secretaries and their pension funds there and it all came to a rather nasty end. Some never recovered and if their pension money was tied up to the company, the state only insured it up to 50,000 Marks which was around 8,000 Euros so they lost almost everything. Finding yourself unemployed, pension funds and savings gone and middle-aged during those days of financial tumult was not a nice option. But nowadays times are different, aren't they?


I hope Professor will be more lucky and only enter green pastures during his lifetime. Not all are that lucky. To my knowledge, he is the only male that speaks Woman. I, myself, found a better half that understands Man. I am blessed.


Candidography