Readers' Submissions

Cured of Jasmine Fever

  • Written by Phet
  • January 14th, 2013
  • 19 min read




I am freed of a great burden and finally cured of a debilitating condition. The iron fetters yield, my chains are removed and the scales lifted from my eyes. I feel I am at last liberated from my lingering obsession with Thai womanhood

I was beginning to suspect my fervour was dwindling with my last two experiences with Thai women living in the UK but the tipping point was my latest liaison.

In my last submission (Almost a Christmas Romance) I related my festive season encounter with Dee, a young Thai lady living in my home town. What began in great hope saw me developing into a glorified taxi driver and provider of twice weekly meals for her and her young daughter. Despite dancing attendance on her for a few weeks I had received no sign of any reciprocated affection. I wasn’t expecting wild passion but just a little appreciation or the tiniest indication that she actually liked me.

I have received a modicum of censure from friends (including the blessed Stick himself) that I should have been far more forceful in pressing my attention. Whilst I greatly appreciate wise counsel and the spirit in which it is given, in my defence I think I can tell when a woman is playing hard to get or just playing silly buggers.

The couple of times I did press my attention, like when I put my arm around her, the rebuff was quite mean-spirited. The snub received when on another occasion I tried to kiss her confirmed my suggestion that she was not interested. I recall one evening I got her alone and following her initial repulse I suggested no one could see us, to which she replied “but my God is watching”. My attempts to merely hold her hand was rejected with a passion I would have expected had I tried to put my dick in her palm. So with all due respect to my learned friends and with the best will in the world, I recognised she had no interest in me and was I wasting my time.

It is interesting to note the difference in opinions between my male friends and my female friends. Whilst many of my male pals advised that being more assertive and less of an English gentleman would yield success, all my female friends said “She is just messing you about, tell her to piss off with all good speed”.

I should maybe have read the signs when she turned up on our first date with her 6 year old daughter in tow.

I was however reconciled to the situation but in the absence of anything else on the horizon, decided to go with the flow. A compromise I will admit made more in hope than experience. My only reservation was it was clear the relationship was going to be merely as a “friend” and I ask myself did I really need a friend who was costing me almost £100 a week to no discernible benefit.


xxx


I pick up the story on the Friday after New Year 2013.

I hadn’t seen Dee on the Thursday as I wanted to see my youngest son before he returned to university. I was a little worried about him as he seemed unusually dispirited. I took him to see his maternal grandmother who gave him £40 then took him to see my mother who also gave him £40. For consistency I also felt obliged to give him £40 as a contribution to his travel costs back to university. I had a good long fatherly chat with him which allayed my concerns.

On Friday I agreed to take Dee food shopping to Wing Yip and then go to their restaurant. I got a little lost in the outskirts of Birmingham but it only delayed the journey by a couple of minutes. I was surprised by Dee’s continuous whinge “I thought you knew the way” which did not endear her to me.

Wing Yip supermarket is the definitive oriental emporium to satisfy every Asian woman’s dream. I was attentive as she went around the store but was dismissed with the remark “I am not a lazy English woman I like to check price and take my time”. Dee often revelled in her frugality, constantly telling me she shopped in the cheap supermarkets and bought her clothes in charity shops which although commendable bordered on parsimony and could be a bit wearying.

I had already established that whilst (from her own choice) she received no money from her husband she had her flat paid for by the benefits office and received a decent child allowance from them. She was certainly not destitute.

After an hour she loaded her purchases on the checkout. I had put a £1.15 jar of Tom Yum paste which I asked her to include and I would give her the money later but she insisted I pay separate. When we went into the restaurant she was dismissive of me that I did not know the procedure. I had only been to the restaurant once before years ago whilst she had been many times with her husband. The format was a Chinese “hot pot” where you cook the food at the table similar to the MK Suki establishments one sees in Asia that the Thai girls seem to love. I find it a bloody palaver.

She then dropped the bombshell; she did not want her daughter to see me again. She feared her daughter was getting fond of me and was apprehensive that she would mention me to her husband. She was concerned this could compromise her situation in the dispute for custody of her daughter. Whilst I was saddened as I was getting to like the kid, I could fully appreciate her predicament but I recognised this limited any future association. Dee also informed me she did want to be seen with a man until the custody dispute and divorce was resolved, which she stated could be a few years. When I asked (hypothetically) if she would consider me then, she declared she would want to meet with many men when she was free.

This put me in my place and somewhat confirmed my suspicion I was just being used. I resolved to stop wasting my time and after dropping her home that night made no further contact and ignored her calls for a week or so.


xxx


But life is never that easy. I was busy the next week but she phoned me on Saturday telling me she was bored, her daughter was away with her father and she asked if I would like to go out to eat. With no particular plans and ever the optimist I succumbed and once again we went to the Wing Yip restaurant. I must admit she was a tad friendlier with me that evening but kept asking if I could teach her to drive. On the way home I found a deserted car park to give her the introductory lesson in handling a car. I was disappointed she did not reciprocate in giving me a lesson in handling a Thai woman.

I have found Thai women to be quite obsessive once they get an idea in their head. Sunday she phoned me telling me she seriously wanted to learn to drive and buy a car in order to get a job to better her self. A laudable objective but she wanted to buy a vehicle from a Thai friend and asked me if I would lend her the money, I gave her an emphatic no. I get the reply “you are not jai dee (good heart)” and also get the feeling I was finally seeing her true colours.

As an aside, Dee had told me an interesting little tale about a couple of her Thai lady friends. They are apparently inveterate gamblers and regularly frequent a casino in nearby Walsall. Occasionally they lose and lose quite significant amounts. They are understandably terrified to go home in fear of their husband’s reaction. When I asked what they do when that happens, she replied “they do what they did when they lived in Bangkok….they find a customer to pay them for sex”.

I actually have my doubts of the veracity of this tale and suspect it was merely a further example of Dee’s attempt to reinforce the delusion of her superior virtue. But it was fascinating nonetheless. It will come as no surprise I have subsequently visited said establishment but must report I did not see any Thai or oriental women on those occasions. I did however win £60 on the roulette on my last visit.


xxx


I have had a few poor experiences of Thai women living in the UK in particular the last three I have encountered namely Natta, Noi and Dee. One must ask why some of them change from the sweet natured, soft feminine creatures one meets in Thailand into the cold hearted, mean spirited bitches whose behaviour would embarrass the most strident white feminist once they get to the UK.

Natta thought herself extremely “Hi So” and had a very high opinion of herself. She often implied I was not good enough for her and for example did not think my car was fine enough to be driven around in. Interestingly I saw her over Christmas; she was still alone and still seeking her paragon of excellence after two years. Last year I squired Noi for a few months but finally established she was just using me to pass the time or until something better came along. As both these ladies are now the wrong side of 50 I suspect they are going to face some disappointment.

Another aspect I find poignant is that most divorced Thai women living in the UK had at some point deserted British husbands. These men had invested not insignificant amounts to obtain visas and bring them here only to see them depart.

I am particularly pissed off with the mantra “Thai lady don’t do like this” or “it is not our culture”. What happened to the model of the virtuous Thai lady who respects and takes good care of her man? I always thought that was a principle of “Thai culture” or is it just a myth? I love Thai women but only when they are in Thailand.

Dee has phoned me a few times since asking me to drive her places but I have politely refused. It is sad, I definitely liked her but I also now feel somewhat liberated.


xxx


Just as I thought my Thai episode was over, my ex wife Nat sent me a phone text ”I have no money please sent some”. I have not heard anything from her for a few months so I replied “I acknowledge receipt of your circular but feel unable to comply at present.” She has phoned me a couple of times but engages in the annoying practice of “pinging” me. This involves phoning me but not allowing me to pick up with the aim I will immediately phone her back at my expense. This Pavlovian conditioning may have worked on me once but I am now somewhat impervious to her programming. She finally texted me explaining her son was getting married and she needed the money towards paying the sin sot to his intended bride. I could not help but feel this was another wonderful example of “Thai culture”.


xxx


Monday evening it was the Casting Institute’s Annual technical quiz in which all the local foundries and suppliers compete. On entry I am immediately snapped up on by an old pal to join his team. I reflect what a difference a year makes. I recall a couple of years ago attending a similar event whilst I was unemployed. I was saddened then how everyone ignored me as if somehow my being jobless was contagious. I couldn’t get arrested that particular evening.

But this time I was almost feted by old colleagues for my efforts in resurrecting foundry education. I was pleasantly surprised by comments that I was the ideal bloke to instruct a new generation. I joked it was good to have a new audience who hadn’t heard my aged tales and interminable anecdotes before.

The Director of the institute has told me she is proceeding with her plans for the “peripatetic virtual college” that could deliver casting courses anywhere in the country. In particular she wanted to open it up to non apprentices. She had identified a huge demand in the industry from older foundry men in supervisory positions who wanted some underpinning technical knowledge. This could be a further opportunity for me especially as she also offered to support me in obtaining some formal teaching qualifications. At present the one week per month project in Cumbria is my main income supplemented by teaching the apprentices at a local college one day a week. The liaison work and preparation of teaching materials gives me another three days a month.

At present I am employed 11 days of a 20 day month. This is just covering my living costs and the promise of an additional 3-4 days a month would pay my impending tax bill. I am happy with this as it means not having to work for some greedy grasping corporation which is extremely revitalizing. However because of my inexperience with researching I have to work more days preparing teaching materials than I am paid for. But as I become more competent and by July most of the teaching material will be prepared I will free up a few days to take up the new opportunities. An additional 3-4 days work per month would give me enough money to tuck a few quid away.

My only worry is the 6 week college holiday in July and August when I will be without any income. A nice little consultancy job in China or (be still my beating heart) in Thailand would fit nicely…. Well, one can always dream.


xxx


Other than the pianist lady (who avoided a tasering when she reported she did not feel a spark between us) I have had little interest from English women for quite some time. I had always been disappointed that the urge to demean or put down any men they encounter seems to be the default position amongst liberated western womanhood.

Then unexpectedly I get a few notes from ladies on the POF dating website. I suspect this is due to them making New Year resolutions to find a bloke. With my current disillusionment with Thai womanhood (and ever the optimist) I decided to explore this further and replied to them. I have had four ladies respond positively to my witty replies. A reply from one agreeable lady was quite encouraging and read “At last, someone who writes more than "wanna chat" and doesn't use text language, phew…how refreshing!

We arranged to meet in a pub in Wolverhampton on a Tuesday night. Sally turned out to be a chubby but well presented cultured blond lady in her mid fifties who was probably quite a stunner in her youth (I acknowledge the ravages of time and gravity affect us all). In truth she is a very pleasant ordinary lady who has been widowed for a few years with grown up children now at University. She owns a substantial property in a desirable suburb and runs a nice little business. She had no pretensions or feelings of entitlement or felt the urge to belittle me that I had experienced in many previous encounters. She exhibited a genuine sense of humour and even smiled at my witticisms. I felt comfortable and we had an agreeable evening. We have met a couple of times since and we are relaxed in each other's company. I doubt that a great romance will develop but at the very least I have found another friend and maybe in the fullness of time, a friend with benefits.

The thought struck me that if I had met a comparable generous spirited English woman 10 years ago I may never have made that first fateful trip to Thailand.


xxx


There was a psychic event at my local last week which I attended. A few years ago I attended a similar event when the mystic told me she could tell from my aura that I had real difficulties with women. I replied “you could tell that from my ugly mug.”

The clairvoyant this evening did a tarot reading and psychic evaluation. From the tarot he told me I had a generous spirit which he was sure must have helped me through recent adversity. He stated that I was undertaking a significant change of career but would soon experience a period of stability. He asked if I had sons as the cards indicated that one had been experiencing problems but was now through them.

In the psychic viewing he was unnervingly accurate in describing my mates Brian and Mick and my auntie Violet who had recently passed away. The only disturbing thing was he claimed I would soon be adopting a new family… oh dear.


xxx


I recently completed the second week on the project in Cumbria. The bad weather was a concern but I got there ok on Sunday evening. I took the opportunity to explore a couple of the pubs opposite the hotel. They were quite lively establishments, the sort of places where if you had both ears you were considered a sissy. The course went well and I got some assistance from a couple of old college pals who work for a company supplying the casting industry. They came up and presented a couple of lectures on foundry clays and carbonaceous additions. Riveting stuff and it gave the apprentices a rest from my endless ramblings for a day. It also gave me some company for an evening. I will be returning in two weeks time.


xxx


My local the Welded Wallet is once again in turmoil losing its fifth landlord in twelve months. Last Friday I was sat with six of my karaoke pals but finding ourselves without any entertainment we had to resort to having a conversation. I have known this bunch for a couple of years but could not recall ever having other than superficial banter in that time. I knew Colin and his wife were articulate and intelligent people but it transpires that David (who normally never speaks between songs) is University educated and has some well considered views on life. John is a font of knowledge on a variety of subjects and even the lovely Julie and her strange bloke Jazz had contributions to make to the exchange. When closing time arrived we realised without the distraction of the karaoke we had had a wonderful intelligent conversation. Is this a metaphor for the modern world?

The new gaffer is Indian with a delightful Welsh wife. He seems a decent cove but my concern is that he is attracting a group of young Indian guys who are a pain in the ass. Having lived in the most successfully integrated multicultural town in the UK most of my life, I could never be considered a racist. My attraction to Asian womanhood is well documented. It is known that the Sikhs and Hindus will be our natural allies in the inevitable conflagration with the Muslim horde in the next few years. I have knowledge of the secret treaties agreed with nationalistic English organisations and the Sikh/Hindu communities to this effect. However this particular group of young Sikh men are arrogant, swaggering and quite rude. I foresee many problems as they interface with the predominately white community, not because of their race but because of their attitude. The place is becoming like the Mary Celeste.

I think I will be moving my custom to the “Pisshead and Ponytail” just down the road. It is a hostelry frequented by bikers and heavy rock fans and has a reputation for being quite “lively” but they do have entertainment on every weekend.


xxx


A few weeks have now passed since my disappointing encounter with Dee and I ask myself have I really forsaken all things Thai? I had just prepared a Tom yum soup with slices of mushroom a few prawns and some squid and mussels when I received a phone call. I always feel this delicious sour and spicy soup evokes the delights of the kingdom as much as any Thai delicacy.

The phone call was from a Thai lady in her mid 40’s named Thip. We had met a few years ago when she was a chef at a prestigious hotel near Worcester. She was quite lovely and I believe a relationship would have developed had her employers not transferred her to a hotel in Manchester within a week of our meeting. We kept in touch for a time but when she was relocated down to Kent we considered the distance was unworkable. Her phone call informed me her employers were thinking of transferring her to a hotel in Birmingham and she wanted my advice.

We arranged to meet in London this Sunday. I went down by train and met her at Charing Cross. We spent a delightful day exploring the Covent Garden area and had an enjoyable dinner in a pleasant pub. I saw her off on her train back to Kent and received a big unprompted kiss and an endearing thank you for a lovely afternoon from her. I have just returned home with the thought that maybe a slight compromise to my obstinate stance on Thai women is called for.

As always I ask you to watch this space.


xxx



Stickman's thoughts:

Just when we thought you were over Thais and a busty 50-something Brit bird was going to win your heart, or let you get lost in her rolls of flab…

It's disappointing to her that Dee turned out to be a user and that Nat has the cheek to ask for money like she did. When I hear stories of that it makes me want to write a piece about all my friends (in Thailand and abroad) married to a Thai woman, and my observations of those relationships and how many really are genuinely happy. The problem is, such an article wouldn't endear me to a lot of my friends…