Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 360

  • Written by Dana
  • December 29th, 2012
  • 5 min read




Greetings Dana fans and Caveman fans:

Today a rap song and some other things from the Bits and Pieces Dept. here at Dana Enterprises. Also, before we get going; somebody has been messing with the birds in the cages that hang over the sidewalk here at Dana Enterprises on South Pattaya Road. Please stop it.

They are all taken care of by the office girls here in the office (Foogy, Poogy, Ba, Konk, and Donk). It is hard to concentrate in an office of crying girls. If you are that hungry please come in the office and we will find something for you to eat, but please stop scooping up what is on the bottom of the cages and eating it.

and now . . .

I expect the following rap song to become the most popular rap song in the Kingdom. If any of you have Tata Young's address I would appreciate it if you would send it to me. My people will have to talk to her people. I've had a lot of my rap songs stolen in the past (something I have never talked about) and I do not want it to happen in this case. A complete compilation of my rap songs is available from Dana Enterprises on South Road in Pattaya. Walk-ins only and no charge. Ask for Donk, she is in charge of rap songs. Also, Gangnam style clothing is available and a tailor comes in Tuesday afternoon from 2:00-4:00. Tailoring is mandatory. No charge. Videos of myself in Gangnam style clothing rapping to the following rap song are available. You knew that.

CAVEMAN VEGAN RAP SONG

I'm a rappin' vegan,
And I want you to know:
I don't eat meat,
And I don't do blow.

Vegans are cool.
Vegans are hip.
Meat and eggs,
We give 'em the slip.

Peppers are red.
Berries are blue.
I'm a rappin' daddy vegan,
And I I'm better than you.

Vegan Vegan Vegan,
It's all about plants.
Vegan Vegan Vegan,
I've got a zucchini in my pants.

I'm a big bad vegan:
A Thailand expat.
Two or three helpings:
Can't get fat.

Others eat burgers:
Chocolate shakes too.
Probably know Dana:
They belong in a zoo.

It's health and fitness:
Philosophy too.
I'm a big bad daddy vegan.
I'm better than you.

The vegan diet:
An expat's friend.
A new applied filter,
To a Thai girlfriend.

Tall, short, fat
Or old:
If she eats eggs or meat,
My heart grows cold.

Take her to McDonald's,
KFC too:
If she orders poultry or meat,
One date won't become two.

I'm a motorcycling vegan:
Looking for fate.
If she orders a burger,
No more date.

It's all about fitness,
And perfect health too.
I'm an expat vegan.
And I'm better than you.

Alone by night,
And alone by day:
I eat what's right,
Food's not for play.

I dream of burgers,
But I eat just plants.
I'm a Thai expat vegan
With a zucchini in my pants.

DEAN BARRETT FON PROJECT

I either imagined this or this is true. In any event, it is not the kind of thing you can take a chance on. So here is the deal: Dean Barrett of DeanBarrett.com is now in the preliminary stages of putting together a subscription program for fans of Fon. You remember Fon. He featured photo displays of her on his website many times. Married to an idiot farang named David (go figure) and living in Isaan, she is not a human but an angel who has been sent down from heaven to give us life. Look up the world 'perfect woman' in the dictionary and there is a picture of her. An Isaan goddess.

At any rate, for the respectful, and the worshippers of female beauty, and the cognoscenti: Dean is going to make available a private subscription program of a monthly nature that will be all about Fon. People have told me that meetings have been held, finances are being discussed with Hong Kong and Cambodian rich people, ideas are being accepted from fans of Fon, graphics and photo nerds are on board, and Fon thinks it is a great idea. The only problem is her stupid husband David who is dragging his feet. What a tool.

Anyway, if this information that I am receiving and that I am passing on to you is correct there will be a future that includes the ability to subscribe to monthly Fon information and photos. Fon doing the dishes, Fon carrying laundry, Fon sitting on a water buffalo . . . etc. Sweet Jesus on a cracker what a great world. And God bless Dean Barrett: the most wonderful man who ever lived.

Current and future information on this can be obtained from Stickmanbangkok.com. Address your inquiries to Flirt or Dirt, the office girls who are handling this project. Inquiries on this project can also be sent to us here at Dana Enterprises on South Pattaya Road in Pattaya. Emails should mention The Fon Project. Send your correspondence attention Foober or Goober, the office girls who are handling this project. Do not send inquiries to David, the husband of Fon. He just waves his arms around like a demented windmill and throws the paperwork out the window. What a tool.

Also, do not send any questions regarding this future Fon subscription service to Mr. Barrett. He is too busy selling his books door-to-door around the Sanglaburi reservoir right now to be able to help you. Kinda sad. I hear at night he sneaks into the temple at Three Pagoda Pass and sleeps on the floor. Anyway, kinda sad but I hear that Milton and Shakespeare were also rural book floggers so I guess he is in good company. Anyway, sweet Jesus on a cracker, so many rules; but that is the modern Kingdom I guess. Siam is gone, but we still have Fon.