Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 357

  • Written by Dana
  • December 8th, 2012
  • 9 min read




Greetings Stickmanbangkok.com fans, Dana fans, and ceiling fans (it is great not to have an editor):

Here from the Bits and Pieces Dept. file are some small things and some big things. Enjoy.

"In the '20s and '30s, the Globe was a bustling Vaudeville theater with leering, popeyed, baggy-pants comics and peroxide-blond ecdysiasts." —
Pat Jordan

Ok, quick: say that in Thai. Couldn't resist.

and now . . .

Thailand News
Dateline: July 30, 2012

Pimsiri Sirikaew of Thailand won the silver medal in weightliftings 58-kilogram category. Boy-oh-boy, I had heard that Thai ladies were changing but this is ridiculous. Another reason to have diminished expectations when I go to the Rainbow Bar.

and . . .

THAIS AND GAMBLING

Thais like to gamble. A lot. Thais like to gamble a lot. Stories about illegal small stakes gambling games being broken up by the police are common. Effect on Thais being attracted to gambling? Probably zero.

In spite of this Thai cultural love of gambling I do not remember reading one Thai-farang story where Thai's love of gambling was the storytelling centerpiece, or reading one thoughtful essay on Thais and gambling. The Thai bargirls waste of money on foolish gambling is often cited but only in a trivial way. There is room here for interesting writing. I have not got the time for this but someone should treat this subject seriously.

One of the most interesting gambling stories I ever saw on film was in a movie called The Gold of Naples by Vittorio De Sica (1954, black and white). The film is actually six separate Neapolitan episodes. One story is about an elderly man and a young boy gambling at cards. An original approach, superb acting, funny, and sad. The Italian child actor is wonderful. Adapting this story to Thailand would be easy. I won't tell.

and now . . .

LENS CAP STORIES

Greetings and Lens Cap Salutations (GLCS) expats and farang tourists to the Kingdom who are carrying cameras that have lens caps. Sometimes you forget and you leave the lens cap on. Right? Following are some absolutely true lens cap stories. Send in some of yours. Who knows, maybe Stick will start a new section of Stickmanbangkok.com lens cap stories.

1. So here's the deal. I'm in the newly renovated Foodland grocery store on Soi 5 in Bangkok when I see him. God. God was there looking at the 18 baht notebooks. Same notebooks I use for making journal entries when I am visiting Thailand. Anyway, we get to talking. He had kind of an Eskimo-Russian-Scottish-Japanese-Australian accent.

Apparently, after making the heaven and the land and the water and 'all that dwelled within' he just headed for the Kingdom. Six days of really hard work and then chillin' ever since. Said he had an apartment on Soi 22 and hung out at Denny's Bar. Anyway, I got a picture. Actually, two shots of him looking at mangos.

Only thing is, I left the lens cap on. Well, I didn't actually leave the lens cap on; it's more like I forgot to take the lens cap off. A small point but the result is the same. So I don't actually have the pics to show you but take my word for it, I got two great shots of God weighing up a sack of mangos. Lens caps. Whose idea was that? Oh, I forgot; God's.

2. Here is a lens cap story from many years ago.

Year: 1816
Place: Sanglaburi, Siam
Event: Siamese Astronomer and Witchcraft Club (SAWC) meeting
Speaker: Somchai Blsflfuwefhewnwdhchcidoidhweoh-oewhgwhl

"Thank-you fellow Siamese astronomers and witchcraft coven delegates. It is my pleasure to announce that February 18th of this year at 2:46 a.m. I saw a black hole explode in star formation X495SL. Yes, I got a picture on my toilet paper tube pinhole camera. Only thing is, I forgot to remove the lens cap before I depressed the shutter release button. But take my word for it, the most interesting photo in the history of heavenology was taken by me. I suggest now that I be addressed as Commander Somchai."

crowd sounds . . . murmuring . . .

"Ok, look all you road kill gourmands; how many of you even have toilet paper?"

more murmuring . . .

3. Ok, this is too awesome for words, especially if you are a fisherman. Fishing near the headwaters of the Mekong river with specially designed rod, line, leader, hook, and boat I caught a 1957 pound catfish. In the ensuing battle my boatman was knocked overboard and drowned but the important thing is that I was able to get this fish monster ashore and get a picture with my boatman's camera. I didn't know how to work around the telephoto lens so I had to back up two hundred yards to get the picture. But I got the picture. Only thing is, I forgot to take off the lens cap. Look, just take my word for it; I got the fish and I got the picture. One thousand nine hundred and fifty-seven pounds.

4. This man does not feel tainted by stupidity. He is going to run for mayor.

Year: 1921
Place: Udon, Thailand
Event: City Hall steps
Speaker: Somchai Gosdeuwehsh-eertyei

Hello, my name is Somchai Gosdeuwehsh-eertyei (I think) and I would like to announce that last night at 1:18 a.m. my wife gave birth to the Christian Devil. Before killing him with a hoe handle I got a picture. I'm sure this was the first picture of the Christian Devil in history. I accept your thanks and admiration. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the lens cap on my camera so I don't actually have a picture to show you.

Angry crowd noises . . .

Ok, look; it could have happened to anyone. I just forgot to take off the stupid lens cap is all. Could have happened to anyone. How about a little love and a little credit here? How many of you have taken a picture of the Christian Devil as it came out of your wife's body? I plan to run for mayor of Udon.

Sound familiar fellow photo fools? Do the words 'been there, done that' come to mind? Stories about forgetting to remove the lens cap on the camera? I have a theory that the greatest photos in the history of photography were all taken with the lens cap on. How about you? Got any lens cap stories to tell? Why not write them out and send them in to this website. And sure, we'll believe you; whatever you tell us. Sure, we'll believe you.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. In addition to the first story which talks about me getting a pic of God, I also have this story:

I once managed to hold up for fifteen seconds a maid's rubber bucket with 37 glass ash trays in it on my erection. There was a witness, Loy; and I got a fantastic color picture. Unfortunately, I left the lens cap on when I took the picture. Still, I did it and I took a picture of it. Just thought you'd like to know. People still talk about this at the Mothership bar. Don't believe me? Do you know anyone else they are telling this story about at the Mothership bar? Exactly. Fxxxin' lens caps man. How many beers had God had when he came up with that bogus idea? Something I should have asked him about when I got the pic of him weighing a sack of mangos at Foodland on Soi 5.

and finally . . .

Dana Enterprises Note:

We screwed a large framed picture of Rufus the office dog to the outside wall here on South Pattaya Road and the space under the picture and on the sidewalk has become a memorial to Rufus with people leaving flowers and cards and personal notes and snack treats and chew toys and bones. Next to his picture I attached a 4'x8' greaseboard to the outside of the building so that friends and lovers of Rufus could leave messages.
Some examples follow:

1. "He had his bangin' way with me and then he left me. He was a pig."
— Perfumed penthouse poodle at the Bangkok Emporium.

2. "He owes me 50 baht for a leg hump." — Fa.

3. "He used to go cross-eyed staring at the bulge in my pants." — Pattaya tranny Emma.

4. "Best goddamned dog that ever lived." — Marc Holt, Sand-In-My-Crack, Australia.

5. "In the hot season when business was slow we used to put a sock puppet on his wanger and do shows on Khao San Road." — West Bangkok Soi Dog Association.

6. "We miss you Rufus. Nobody could chew a used tampon like you could." — Fong and Dong and Bong and Foomy.

7. "Rufus caused a lot of trouble on Walking Street on Tuesday nights when it was food vendor night but we miss him." — Walking Street Volunteer Police.

8. "I loved Rufus. He didn't love me but I loved him." — English setter Franny.

P.S. Can somebody give me a haircut? I'm fxxxin' dyin' in here."

9. "Rufus you never worked a day in your life and you didn't have to chant in Pali. You out-Buddhists the Buddhists. You were our hero dude. — Manchester soccer fans Booger, Dickhard, and Feelit.

10. "We miss you Rufus. You were a dog's dog and you never judged us." — Pattaya boardwalk prostitutes, cruisers, skanks, and whores.

11. "Dana sucks." — Anonymous.

12. "You're the dog Rufus: when you get up to heaven go to the nearest harp factory and start humping a harp for us." — South Pattaya Road Soi Dogs Association.

13. Soi 13/0, 9:15 a.m.–11:30 a.m. My name is Fa. 1000 baht short time, no anal. I can bling flend.

14. "The only thing longer than your wanger was the tiller on our boats." — Pattaya Sailing Club.

15. "Saw you at midnight, arcing through the sky: you left lonely hearts, not a single dry eye. South Road won't be the same, thanks to Foomy that bitch. I'd write more, but my balls are starting to itch."
— Bruce, chief barker, Pattaya bus station.

Photos of the wall and sidewalk Rufus memorial are available at the office. Walk-ins only. No Internet sales. One per customer. 500 baht.

Woof Bark Maak Woof Khrap
Dana

P.S. The subject of replacing Rufus with another office dog has already come up. We are willing to consider ideas on this. Send your ideas to:

Dana Enterprises
Pattaya, Thailand
Attn: Office Dog Replacement Dept.

Any office dog replacement ideas have to be for real dogs, man dogs. If it looks like something that you could lash to a stick and use to clean bar glasses we are not interested. You knew that. This dog has to be a real dog with a resume stuffed with humping, leering, and running like Hell when he gets in trouble. Torn ear, raggedy tail, a little mange; we don't care. But he has to have a swinging dick attitude and a wanger with scars. The girls in the office have to love him and the Pattaya police have to fear him. You get the idea.