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Dickless in Bangkok

  • Written by PK
  • December 7th, 2012
  • 6 min read




Dear gentlemen of Stickmanbangkok.com,

According to the King James Bible, God made Satan.

"You were the model of perfection, full of wisdom and perfect in beauty…You were blameless in your ways from the day you were created til wickedness was found in you." (Ezekiel 28: 12b-15)

When God found "wickedness" in Satan, he banished Satan from Heaven.

"Shortly after this expulsion, he will be bound up and thrown into the abyss for 1,000 years" (Isaiah 14:15: Revelations 20:2,3a) and “thrown into the lake of burning sulfur for eternity" (Revelations 20:10)

I say "God, is that all you've got? Did it ever occur to you to just cut Satan's dick off and send him to Bangkok"?

Ok, let me put it another way.

In Dante's Inferno, Hell is depicted as 9 Circles of Suffering located within the Earth.

The First Circle of Suffering, called "Limbo", is a place where no 21st-century man of the world wants to be . Unbaptized and virtuous pagans, though not sinful, who did not accept Christ ended up here. These guiltless damned were punished by living in a deficient form of Heaven.

Some people call it Pattaya!

The Second Circle of Suffering is where all those overcome by "Lust" reside.

Otherwise known as The Nana Hotel.

Actually, Dante says the "lustful" are the first ones to be punished in Hell, and their souls are just blown back and forth by violent storms without rest.

LA DI DA DA!

In The Third Circle of Suffering, "Gluttony" is the great crime. Certainly this doesn't apply to all those slim little Asian sweethearts, but you fat Farangs have better start to worry. Dante would have you overweight slugs forced to lie in a vile slush produced by ceaseless foul.

Or in other words, Thai hot sauce!

In The Fourth Circle of Suffering "Greed" is handled quite appropriately. There is no direct reference to any Asian bar-girl scamming her long-time client, or a khatoey pickpocket, or even the Thai Police on Soi 22, but Dante had it all figured out in his own way. In the 4th Circle, those whose attitude toward material goods which deviate from the appropriate mean are punished. They include the avaricious or miserly who hoard possessions, and the prodigal who squander them. Ok, it does sound a little like both the wealthy old newbie in Bangkok and his first "Private Dancer". Only here, these two groups joust using great weights as weapons, which they push with their chests for eternity.

Sounds easier than Thai kickboxing.

In The Fifth Circle of Suffering, where "Anger" resides, Dante puts these little sinners in the swamp-like waters of the River Styx, where the wrathful fight each other on the surface and the sullen lie gurgling beneath the water withdrawn into a black sulkiness.

Or a canal in Khlong Toey.

In The Sixth Circle of Suffering, "Heretics" are trapped in flaming tombs.

No big deal. Sounds like some Bangkok discos with faulty fire alarms.

The Seventh Circle of Suffering houses the "Violent". It's entry is guarded by the Minotaur—a creature with the head of a bull and the body of a man.

Or a creature on the waiting list to becoming a ladyboy.

And this circle is divided into 3 Rings:

The 'Outer Ring' houses those who are violent against people and property. These sinners are immersed in Phlegethon, a river of boiling blood and fire, to a level commensurate with their sins. Alexander the Great was immersed up to his eyeballs.

No mention of how deep that little Thai angel—who cut off her husband's penis, tied it onto a helium balloon and floated the little sucker off to never-never land high above Bangkok—would have to be immersed.

The 'Middle Ring' houses those who commit suicide and profligate.

In other words, members of the Pattaya Flying Club.

The suicides are transformed into gnarled thorny bushes and trees and then fed upon by Harpies or winged monsters. The profligates are perpetually chased and mauled by ferocious dogs.

A day in the park! Lumpani maybe.

The 'Inner Ring' houses the violent against God and the violent against nature. All reside in a desert of flaming sand with fiery flakes raining from the sky.

What's the big deal? Sounds like Chiang Mai during the summer when the farmers burn off their rice fields and the air is filled with smoke.

The Eighth Circle of Suffering is where "Fraud" is punished, and I'll admit it's no walk in the park. There are 3-headed winged monsters, having the face of an honest man on the body of a beautifully colored wyvern with furry paws of a lion and a pointy scorpion-like tail.

Thai bar girls eat them fried in oil.

And this is the place where people are placed head-first in holes in rocks with flames burning the soles of their feet, or steeped in human excrement, or their heads twisted around on their bodies backwards, or are immersed in a lake of boiling pitch, or endlessly being pursued and bitten by snakes and lizards, or cut in half by sword-wielding demons—wounds healing, only to have the demon tear apart their bodies again and again.

I mean really, what's the problem? Has anyone here ever been in a motorcycle accident in Thailand?

Finally, The Ninth Circle of Suffering, where the "treacherous" are punished, have it a little easier in my humble opinion than those poor "fraudsters" in the Eighth Circle of Suffering. These "traitors" are only immersed in ice up to their faces.

Which to me simply describes every Farang drinking a cold one in every beer bar in the Kingdom.

9 Circles of Suffering? Please!

Dante's a pussy!

Ok Stickmanites—I am going to get to the point.

And I reached that point last week, when I was enjoying my bi-yearly visit to the Big Mango—de-boarding a smileless flight, only to enter an airport filled with hundreds of gorgeously thin Thai women with waist-long raven-black hair—walking down Sukhumvit passing the stalls of pink dildos and fake Viagra while legions of attractive female eyes bored into my skull—peeking into the bars of Nana and Soi Cowboy where swaying hips and bouncing breasts were offered like a smorgasbord—having my daily massages and being able to choose an infinite variety of 22 to 25 year-old Playmates of the Month to administer said massage in the style of my most deviant fantasy—going to the Thermae in the evenings for my beer and popcorn only to be chatted up by an able and very willing dark-skinned beauty offering me the exact opposite of Hell.

Then it hit me.

Would I love Bangkok if I didn't have a dick? Hell, without a dick, I'd be left with the crappy sidewalks, the suffocating smog, the overwhelming heat, the god-forsaken traffic, the block-by-block scams, the Farang double-pricing, the pick-pocketing khatoeys, the yaba'd-out motosais, the tuk tuk mafia, the flooded klongs, and the frequent coup d'etats!

You can live without a dick in Farangland. All you have to be, is married.

However, my point is:

God and Dante could have saved themselves a lot of trouble by just admitting that the worst Hell on earth is being "DICKLESS IN BANGKOK"!