Readers' Submissions

CSI Bangkok

  • Written by Khun Shady
  • December 6th, 2012
  • 7 min read




The expert combs the scene looking for evidence. A single strand of hair could be the only proof needed to win the case. The bed is closely examined for evidence of bodily fluids – there’s little doubt that something happened here. Looking around the room the expert takes in every little detail, does anything look like it has moved… is anything missing… is anything there that shouldn’t be?

It sounds like the start of a crime novel or part of the plot of a popular US crime show but no, it’s one of your Thai girlfriends trying to catch you out… again! Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to CSI Bangkok.

Alternative titles considered for this submission were:

• Viable Alternatives To Exclusively Dating Bald Women
• A Cut Out And Keep Guide To Help Your Maid Help You Keep Getting Laid

I’ve been living in Bangkok for 4 months now and my experience is similar to that of Napster, it’s not hard to meet local women who aren’t part of the bar scene. The Internet, bars, clubs, restaurants, McDonalds, etc. etc. – everywhere here is an opportunity to find a new girl. Normal girls are generally hotter and so far haven’t been what can effectively be described as ‘bat shit crazy’.

As a side note, two girls I’ve been sleeping with since I’ve been here who do work in the bar scene (both for free, one met online and one by giving her my number when she was at work on Cowboy) are BY FAR the most unhinged girls I’ve spent time with in Bangkok, both quickly displaying behaviour of “I miss you too much”, “I love you” and giving me multiple missed calls and messages (record being 25 missed calls and 10 messages from one girl while I was asleep) – Goodbye!

Although the standard girls I’ve been seeing aren’t completely unhinged (maybe I’ve been lucky so far) they are still, without exception, very jealous despite the fact that they know I don’t want a girlfriend and that I don’t want to date them exclusively. Below are examples of things I’ve experienced and a quick guide to how I ‘clean up’ as best I can including essential tools required for any gent playing this game.

Hair

This is the worst one for me. Of the 4 girls I have coming over regularly, one has almost waist-length natural black hair, the other 3 have slightly dyed hair of varying colour and length. Alternatives to cleaning up would be only sleeping with girls with identical hairstyles and colours (they would still be able to tell) or always sleeping with bald women (something I’ve yet to see in Bangkok. It would also fix the “bad man you get it in my hair” problem – they are wipe clean!).

Napster correctly points out that a maid can get rid of most of this (just don’t sleep with her; asking her to clean up her own hair is impolite). The last time one lady came over she left enough hair to stuff a small pillow, I suspect she’s part Labrador and was malting or that she has radiation poisoning – I’m yet to work out which.

It’s not a myth, girls really do check hair to see if it’s their own – I’ve had 2 girls do it obviously, here’s part of a conversation I had last week:

TG: Who’s hair is this?
ME: Yours, look how long and black it is (it was hers)
TG: Dii mak! Who’s hair is this?
ME: Well it’s short and blond, you have two options, 1. I’m [email protected]#$ing a girl with exactly the same hair style and colour as me or 2. It’s mine.

Below is a list of key hair locations and how I deal with it:

• The floor; sweep it into the corner and use a small handheld vacuum cleaner to suck it up. Rinse and repeat 3 or 4 times. You will NOT get it all the first couple of times. Don’t leave the vacuum somewhere a girl can see it, it’s a smoking gun!
• The bed; washing bedding alone, those stubborn little bastard hairs often will stay stuck to the sheets. Get a lint roller. Cheap as chips from Lotus, Big C, Ikea, Index Living Mall and probably many other places too. They are around 50 baht each and are an absolute lifesaver.
• Towels; get light coloured towels and pick the hair off. Flush the hair.
• Plug holes; rinse it down or if you have something to stop it then pick it out and flush it. Don’t bin it, it could stick inside and come back and haunt you.


Condoms

Some fellas may suggest avoiding them altogether and therefore this isn’t an issue, however weeping sores on your “little brother” (recently learned slang from a girl I’m seeing: “Your little brother hurt my little sister”) or a baby are much harder to hide – I’m an advocate of always rubbering up outside a relationship.

There are three issues I’ve found with condoms and the first is disposing of them: without exception dispose of them in the bin and empty the bin when the girl has left – girls will look in your bathroom bin to see if there are use condoms in there. Make sure you get everything and don’t drop the top part of the packet if you rip it all the way across. If you do get caught the only way out is to tell a girl that you had what we call in England a “posh wank”. I’m not sure of the Thai but if you say “I chok wao with condom, I like how it feel” then she will understand and may just believe you!

The second is how many condoms you have. I caught one of my girls counting how many were left in my bedside drawer. While the excuse above may wash, it’s easier to buy so many she can’t count them. If she asks why, just tell her Lotus had a special offer and you like her so much you wanted to be ready for lots of sex.

The final issue I had is that a condom fell out of my wallet and a girl saw it. I’m fortunate that sometimes I stay at her place so I explained it that way – otherwise I can’t see a reason. Maybe just better not to carry them – 7 Eleven are everywhere so buy them as needed!

Bedding / Towels

After removal of hair the obvious answer is just to wash your bedding and towels. Towels are no problem – light coloured towels are best for spotting hair but girls will get makeup on them so make sure you have a load and put them in the wash. With bedding, after removal of hair you can just change it, however, there are potential pitfalls. One of your girls may question why you change your bed so often. My recommendation is to have a number of bottom sheets the same colour so you can quickly change them. As changing the duvet cover is more involved get yourself some Ambi-pure spray (similar to the UK brand Fabreze) and spray it on the pillows and the top of the duvet to get rid of perfume smells. Alternatively, use a small amount of your own aftershave.

Leaving shit behind

I currently have 3 swimming costumes, various other clothes, makeup etc. I’ve not found a way to effectively deal with this yet – it’s all in my memory at the moment and I may be setting myself up for a fall. One way I’ve found is a quick look around as they leave and gathering up their shit and saying “you forgot this” but even then it doesn’t always work!

Phone

A lot of stuff with your phone is common sense so I’ll bullet it:

• Put a pin lock on your phone and don’t let a girl watch you enter it.
• Be careful with photos. Move them from your phone to your computer. Keeping lots of pics of girls is a recipe for disaster.
• Turn your phone on silent when you’re with a girl and turn off alerts (assuming you’re not waiting for an urgent call / message).
• I always leave my phone face down when I’m sleeping so that it doesn’t light up like a Christmas tree if a girl decides to ring me at 2 AM.


And for now people, that’s all – good luck with your endeavours. As a good friend once said to me “there’s no time for [email protected]#$ing around when you’re [email protected]#$ing around”.



Stickman's thoughts:

This all brings back memories!