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A Guide To Online Dating In Thailand

  • Written by JC
  • December 5th, 2012
  • 96 min read



Since the advent of the internet I realize I don't know much. Pre-internet I was a genius, now, I mostly talk out my ass about things. Some things I think I know and others I know I know. What I think I know is about dating Thai women online. What I know is Thailovelinks.com and the women that hunt there. This is intended as a basic and somewhat cynical guide to dating Thai girls, especially from ThaiLoveLinks or for those in the know, "TLL". This is an updated version as I was first introduced to it from Stick's article, Thailand's Wild Dating site, in 2008.

The game has changed in the last 5 years. So if I can provide a nugget or pearl of wisdom, I consider it giving back. The first thing to consider is that you are being hunted. It might seem you are the charmer, but really, unless you are raping the girl, it is all her idea what happens.

TLL is ripe with players now. There are certainly good girls left, but they are rare after a month or two of chatting up farangs that are promising them the world and pitching offers left, right and center. The girls view us basically as lottery tickets, and if they get enough, one of them will pay off in the end. If you think it's easy to meet girls online, imagine how easy it is for them! They have the pick of the litter if they are even mediocre in appearance or language skills.

The first thing you must decide is what your intentions are. Do you want true love or lust? Huge difference here. There is also a third category, which is the girlfriend experience and illusion of love.

I will discuss both and offer red flags (RF) or go signs (GS) depending on your motives.

GENERALIZATION

This isn't so much a comprehensive guide to online dating as it is my personal experience on ThaiLoveLinks so prepare to deal with a large portion of generalizations. I'm one guy, unique from you and I haven't dated every girl on TLL. I won't be completely objective because I have bias and filters that spare me the exhaustion of speaking in absolutes. As the great philosopher Bruce Lee said, "Take what is useful and discard the rest."

THE LYING GAME

Full disclosure is full on foolishness. If you tell the truth in every situation you are living in a computer simulation and are a robot or a young child. People lie all day, everyday in every situation if they feel it gives them an advantage. When you barter with a street hawker, nobody is telling you their bottom line from the get go. So be honest with yourself first. You are lying so don't be offended when you are being lied to. It will save you a great deal of pain.

Take it as a compliment when someone is lying because often times they are sparing you the uncomfortable truth.

If you are over the age of 5, you are already an accomplished liar and are well aware, either consciously or on an unconscious level when you are being lied to, so decide if the lie is big or small

Little lies are a sign of disrespect and insulting to your intelligence. Beware the little lies the most.

And don't bother to try to hammer the truth out and get to the bottom of it – you will die trying with Thai girls. They learn from a young age to lie, deny and say four more lies to cover up the first. No Thai girl in my experience has ever admitted anything but complete honesty, and all with a straight face.

Even when caught red-handed, they will deny it to the bitter end. The crocodile tears will flow, she will yell or go berserk if she feels she is caught in a deception so don't confront her and don't teach her how to lie to you more effectively. Don't let her know that you know. Reflect on your suspicions and ask yourself why she feels you need to believe her. You will never know her reasons, and you probably don't want that anyway. Decide if you can accept the truth because most can't.

Good girls will lie to you. Bad girls less so. Whores are too lazy to grant you this luxury.

The truth card is the hardest card to play. So allow me some poetic justice with this guide. I am trying to streamline and throw out some basic information, so I might skip ahead or take from the past. It is not a diary. This is an anonymous post so I really have no reason to boast. I'm not getting paid for this and nobody is going to read this that knows me in the real world, so you can take most of it as factual tips…would I lie to you?

Thai girls will say, "Why would I lie to you?" The answer is millions of reasons.

TRANSLATING GIRL LANGUAGE

There are certain words and phrases particular to Thai girls that you will need to understand.

UP TO YOU = I need to be directed so please decide for me because I don't want to make the wrong choice and lose face. I'm insecure. I'm sizing you up and trying to see how much I can get from you. It is your job to offer and mine to accept or reject.

I WANT AN HONEST MAN = I would prefer if you don't ask me any hard questions and you will just accept everything I say and will not confront me about anything.

REALLY = I think you are lying to me.

FUN = sex.

FREE = Nothing is free in Thailand. Actually, there is no Thai word for free and they borrow this word from English. You probably can't afford it if it is free. There is no free lunch, and you will pay through the nose for free sex with time, energy and money. Free will be an emotional roller coaster ride through the bowels of hell.

BUTTERFLY = you are a man that wants sex from multiple partners, often on the same day.

PLAYBOY = a man that won't fall in love easy or put up with nonsense, but will pay for sex…a PAYBOY.

THIS IS THAILAND = you will play by my rules and shut your mouth and listen. Logic and reason is lost on me.

THAI TIME = I will show up when I'm good and ready, I will make you wait and push your patience button and I will tell you some bullshit to make it a little less painful. I have no respect for you.

JUST WANT FRIENDS = I want money for sex with many men. I want free English lessons. I want to tell you my problems and waste your time and disregard all your wise advice.

I WANT A GOOD MAN TO TAKE CARE OF ME = I'm lazy and I want some stupid farang to do everything for me, so I can be irresponsible and look good in the eyes of my friends and family. If you have a white face and a decent job, you'll do fine.

SEXY = I dress and look like a slut.

FULL FIGURED = I have big tits or I'm fat.

VERY ATTRACTIVE = I have many options. You are not my first farang boyfriend.

GENEROUS = If you want in my pants you will take me shopping for brand name clothes and makeup, gold, etc and you will pay too much.

BELOW AVERAGE = I have stretch marks, tattoos, scars, shark teeth, dark skin, or a nasty surprise waiting to be discovered.

I LOVE YOU = I'm desperate and needy and have abandonment issues. I think you are too lonely to listen to your friends' advice.

TEERAK, SWEETHEART, BABY, HONEY, DADDY = I have had a farang boyfriend or sponsor before.

SIN SOD = You will meet my family in Isaan and they will size you up for a dowry. It will be the first installment of a never ending pussy tax. If I am not a virgin and you are not a Thai man, you will be an idiot to even consider paying, but I will try anyway because I think you are a fool fresh off the plane.

BOYFRIEND = Third or forth on a Thai girl's list of favorite people. AKA the sponsor.

GIG, KIK, = a [email protected]#$ buddy and the other man that is better in bed, more interesting, handsome or has higher status than the boyfriend. The gig often knows about the boyfriend, the boyfriend usually finds out about the gig shortly before he kills himself. AKA the brother, uncle, cousin, friend, co-worker.

CHRISTIAN OR OTHER = I pretend to be a good girl and I don't really believe what I'm telling you. I live in an insane fantasy world filled with ghosts and superstition but have been online long enough to realize that many farangs need to hear this bullshit.

I AM CRAZY = I am dangerous and could explode and lose my mind at any moment. I am really fun in bed. I don't need you to wear a condom.

LIVE ALONE = I have burned all my bridges with my family and friends.

LIVE ALONE AND DON'T HAVE A JOB = I pay my rent and eat through some form of prostitution.

WORK IN A BEAUTY SHOP = I spend my day gossiping and talking strategy with my girl gang on how to dupe men. I am a freelancer.

STUDENT = I could supplement my income with freelancing. I will wear a university uniform when we have sex.

WORK IN A BAR BUT I'M NOT A BARGIRL = yah, right.

DAY 1

READING BETWEEN THE (lies) LINES

So you just joined the site and you are ready to get your feet wet. Okay maybe you don't have a foot fetish, but you probably want to get something wet. You are either at your home country or you are in Thailand. If you are in your home country, I would suggest you forget about talking on TLL until you are within a month of your arrival. Unless you like to talk like a baby and ask the same questions over and over again, and answering the same 20 questions, you are mostly wasting your time.

CAM PERVS: If you want free cam sex, go to myfreecams.com and forget about persuading amateurs to take off their clothes and talk dirty. I'm not saying it isn't possible, I'm just saying that is time consuming and usually anti-climatic. If I wanted to I could get cam sex all day everyday for free, but my time is valuable and if I want a free wank, I can't afford it now. Been there, got the t-shirt. For a lark you can practice your game, and you have nothing better to do, it usually takes me no longer than 2 hours to convince a girl that claims to be a virgin or has never done cam sex to give it up.

SIZING UP HER PROFILE

If she is a gold or platinum member (paid up member) on TLL this is a RED FLAG (RF) or GO SIGN (GS) depending on your intentions. It means she is either desperate, unattractive or has some secret agenda. Thai girls or ladyboys don't have to pay to chat with men. So if they are paying to chat with you, it is probably for business purposes or they have money to throw around. Whatever it is, they are trying too hard. Neediness is never attractive and less is more with Thai women.

PHOTOS

No matter how she describes her attractiveness level, don't listen to it. I've dated beauties that thought they were ugly and mutts that thought they were models. So study the photos. If there is only one (RF). If it is one super stunning photo with big bright eyes and a farang style nose, it is likely Photoshopped. I've been duped more than a few times with this tactic. In the last 5 years the Photoshop industry has blossomed, and there are many girls that have embraced this new technology to fish.

What you want is 5 photos in different settings and clothing. If they are all taken on the same day, it isn't a good indication of true attractiveness. Even ladyboys can look great with some basic makeup skills and creative angles. In my experience, usually the last photo of the bunch is the nearest representation of what thy look like presently.

The first one will show you what they believe to be their best side. If their breasts are proudly displayed this is a huge RF or GS. If the body is displayed in every photo, then you are dealing with a player. If they list their best feature as their chest, butt, or I'll show you later, it is a RF or GS. If they are posed on a bed in what appears to be a hotel room, again RF or GS. If they are standing next to a farang man or women, they are trying to show you that they are popular with farangs, RF or GS.

If you want just sex then look for girls that are kissing and hugging farangs on Khao San Road, with their shirts off, sporting dreadlocks, Mohawks and a beer in hand. They probably won't be too hard to convince to come back to your room to look at your etchings.

If they are dressed as a soldier, or in official government uniform then quickly go on to the next profile. If they are in a nurse's uniform it means they are likely lonely and will be early for the first date and aim to please.

If they are in the traditional princess garb and you like it, you are really taking your chances and perhaps you like ladyboys…just saying, I'm not judging.

LADYBOYS, TRANNIES, CHICK WITH A PUSSY STICK, SLUTS WITH NUTS

Some of my most interesting conversation has been with ladyboys and bargirls. Some of my most disappointing conversations have resulted from finding out after many days or weeks that they were a ladyboy or bargirl. If you are talking to someone that is actually stimulating you with pithy banter, there is a good chance they are a man. Women are for sex, and men are for drinking and discussing philosophy and joking around. If you are looking to find a Thai women that will make you laugh, I would say you are probably deluding yourself because most don't have the language ability to stimulate your funny bone.

If a ladyboy contacts you don't be offended. They don't think you are gay. There is a big difference and they don't want a gay man. If it is not your thing, don't worry, there is a great chance they have a lonely hot girlfriend that is more than willing to meet you and you have been pre-qualified by the ladyboy and are considered a nice guy. A good rule of thumb is to always have at least one conversation on the phone before you meet them in person. Even better is to see them on cam of course. But many ladyboys seem to be new to passing themselves off as women and the hardest thing is to disguise their masculine voice and they might be using you to build their confidence.

Personally I would guess that I've been on at least 2 dates with ladyboys that didn't want to disclose it. They got quite upset when I politely exited the date unexpectedly. It's not my thing and perhaps I'm just not enlightened. I'd be a liar if I said I never thought about sex with a ladyboy. They have the perfect illusion of being a women, but they also have the brain of a man and an ugly dick.

There are never any menstrual issues or irrational thinking 7 days of the month and they know how your equipment works better than you. There is a really good argument for dating ladyboys if you are into anal sex. My thinking is that anal sex is overrated and I don't need a girlfriend to do this for me. But if it is your thing I would suggest you explore it with a ladyboy that isn't on a dating site. They are looking for love and there will be emotions involved and it could get very complicated. Pay your whores.

If you do decide that you want to meet a ladyboy from TLL I would suggest you don't bring them back to your room and find a short-time hotel and let the ladyboy know of your intentions. If you just want the experience, let her / him know it from the start. Shim might be very excited to provide you with your first ladyboy experience. I have had many offers of free sex, no strings attached with ladyboys and chickened out at the last minute. I must admit I even took a 800 baht taxi ride to meet a shim and when I got there and saw shim in the flesh I weirded out and told the taxi driver to take me back home. I guess I am encumbered by what people think. Probably my loss.

THE CHEMICAL REACTION

The main thing to consider with photos is that it should jump off the page and make your heart beat faster. This is nature's way of telling you that you are having a chemical reaction to this girl and all systems are go for mating.

If they can't muster together at least 1 great photo, they are hiding something. However, I've been wrong about this and I've met a couple of extraordinary girls that had below average photos that were blurry, dark and unflattering. I was pleasantly surprised and shocked when the babe version showed up. Again this is a guide and there are no absolutes. I generalize everything I say because it is exhausting to have to take into account every permutation. I know I'm on the right track if Stickman disagrees with any of my points. Okay, enough with the RF and GS, you get my point, every situation is good or bad depending on what your intentions are.

I've tried to decipher why they would post a terrible photo that doesn't really look like them, and it could be a number of reasons. I would list them as:

1. They are shy or hiding from a husband or his single friends.

2. They are hot and they know it, and they are looking for a guy that doesn't just want a pretty face. They want you to respect their personality and lovely heart first.

3. They don't have a camera or smart phone and don't know a single person in Thailand that knows anything about photography.

4. They are ugly or a ladyboy or the photo is 10 years old.

5. They are a celebrity.

WHAT THEY ARE SEEKING IN A PARTNER

The words of an online lover should be written in wind and running water.

The rule here is to remember the words of Shakespeare, The lady doth protest too much me thinks.

If she says she wants someone honest and kind and take care of me and my family and love me, love my kids and love my dog. Yawn.

If she has this fixation on finding an honest man, it usually means she wants someone that is easily controlled and will listen to all her bullshit blindly. If she says she hates playboys, this means she is fascinated with playboys.

If she said her last boyfriend was a butterfly or a playboy or likes to drink too much, gamble and is a lying asshole perhaps this means that is the style of guy she likes and you should portray yourself as this… if you want her.

Basically, whatever she said is the opposite of what she is looking for. It's counter-intuitive and a big generalization I realize. But if they are mentioning anything they don't like more than once, it's because of their interest in it. If a person is truly honest, they don't worry about dishonest people. If she is a playgirl, maybe she doesn't want a playboy in her life because she wants someone that will easily lose their mind and fall in love and be their willing puppet in whatever agenda they have planned for you. Most Thai girls seem to respect the power of a playboy and his ability to remain cool under fire. What they want is a good actor. They don't want some guy to start crying and professing his love too fast. They want a guy that can walk away in a moment. They want a challenge. If you don't believe me, try it out on the next girl that contacts you on instant message. Practice it on ugly girls if you don't want to take a risk of losing a hot number.

Tell her you like her profile and think she is lovely, but you are sorry, you have to be honest, you are kinda a playboy and that you just haven't found the right woman.

She just might go out of her way to step up to the challenge of turning a playboy into a devoted husband. If anything she will relax her guard.

You are being different, you are admitting to be exactly what she doesn't want, so she doesn't have to worry about you lying to her. And she just might have a hot friend that likes playboys and appreciate your honesty too. You will be surprised how many women told me they hate playboys and then they are in my bed soon after I admit to being just that. They have heard it all before, they have heard the same lame tale trumpeted.

I'm honest, kind, loyal, looking for long-term relationship. I like cats and chess puzzles.

BEING A MAN AND TALKING STRAIGHT

It depends on your style, if you want to play the good boy or the bad boy. Both work. But the bad boy turned good is the biggest turn on for most Thai women. They say they want a polite guy, but really they want a guy to be himself, they want a man who says what he thinks and isn't afraid to lose them. They want a guy that is different, that has an edge.

Now if you are an avid reader of Stickman you have no doubt read something written by the infamous Jayson and his well written posts designed to discourage you and undermine your fun and confidence. He speaks from the perspective of a Thai man or perhaps a farang troll and will tell you that good Thai women don't really like whitey and would rather date a tall, skinny Thai man with John Lennon glasses that comes from a hi-so family. Well in many cases you would be correct, Jayson. But this amazing thing has happened in the last 20 years called the internet and free access to Hollywood movies and porn. And I can't think of more than 1 Thai male that has been in a Hollywood movie or porno.

Ladies that are dating on TLL are already qualified as liking the look of long noses. Perhaps they don't want a Thai man that looks like their brother, so they have a fascination with a guy that isn't hung like a light switch and so polite. Opposites attract.

Yes, the average girl on the street might not appreciate a farang coming up to them and tossing them his business card, but if she is on ThaiLoveLinks, it's safe to say, she's into your look, and yes, your wallet. It's mutual exploitation but the worst thing is indifference in a women and she considers you to be useless. If she wasn't your to you specs you wouldn't talk to her either.

There is a good reason why Jayson chose to live in Thailand after being raised in the States. I suspect it's because he does much better here in Thailand with the ladies. He doesn't want the competition for mating rites that he would have in the USA. He doesn't want to stand next to the hunky football player or basketball star. He wants to hit the easy button, as do I and likely most of the readers to Stickman. So remember, no matter what anyone says, you are special here, you can be choosy, and if you like little brown girls from the provinces, good on ya brother, whatever gets your dinky stinky. <Speculation about Jayson demeans your submission and you should refrain from it and rather tell your own story. You cannot possibly know what motivates Jayson. As far as the best Thai women go, and by that I mean highly educated women with great jobs / those running companies, I'd say Jayson is pretty much spot on. Walk around Siam Paragon and tell me how many of the hottest women are with Caucasians…it's ZEROStick>

GOOD GIRL VS BAD GIRL

The hottest ladies don't have to say much. They don't need to explain, they know better than you what you want. They will have a couple of good girl photos and then sprinkle in one just a tad naughty. You'll bite…everyone does.

So do you want a good girl? And what is a good girl anyways?

A good girl will make you wait for months before you get your favorite part, and then you will wonder why you foolishly waited so long for 5 seconds of pleasure.

A good girl will be needy and jealous and wait for you at your condo entrance for you to come home at 3 AM after partying all night on Soi Cow Girl.

A good girl won't do all your favorite things that a bad girl will. A good girl won't date a guy that only comes to Thailand for 1 month a year or less (2-week millionaires).

A good girl will nag and complain that you smoke or drink too much, that you are too old or not good enough for her. That you need to lose weight and that you don't listen to her or you forget her cousin's birthday, that her dad needs a new tractor, that her brother is in jail and needs bail money.

The only thing worse than having a good girl for a girlfriend is looking for one.

HEY BABY

A bad girl won't demand anything of you on her TLL profile. It will be left blank. Any is fine. Fill in the fantasy.

A bad girl will date 18-99 year old men.

A bad girl will have a freshly shaven pussy that smells inviting. And she will tell you in a believable way that she hasn't had sex in 4 years.

A bad girl will be a good actor. She won't vomit in front of you after she kisses the same mouth that smoked 48 Marlboro lights earlier that day.

A bad girl will never make you feel uncomfortable with your requests in the bedroom and won't flinch when you mention the rubber chicken suit in the closet.

A bad girl won't disappoint you and make you feel weird or question your intentions when you invite her back to your room after knowing her 45 minutes.

A bad girl will actually suggest doing all those things your last girlfriend thought were demeaning.

A bad girl won't make you lose your mind and want to off yourself because you already know she sees other men and she doesn't have to lie to you.

A bad girl will be like a honeymoon everyday, minus the outrageous umbrella drink prices and obnoxious fat bridesmaids with feminist studies majors.

A bad girl will be happy when you give her a little taxi or shopping money, usually more than a good girl will make after 2 days of 14 hour work shifts.

A bad girl won't need you to meet her family or buy her gold or remember her birthday. And their will be no talk of a dowry, because bad girls are not virgins.

In a nutshell the more they say, the more they are lying. A long, well-written profile is a big red flag. This is written by a professional, a Nigerian man posing as a female or another farang lover that already knows her game.

A hot girl will write two words. Hi and Hi. Then her photos and your imagination will do the rest.

Do you really care about her hobbies? Do you care what kind of food she likes? Here's a tip, it will almost always be Thai food.



NEW MEMBERS VS THAIGRRS

So you finally have your photos posted on the site and you are ready to start looking for your special lady. Your intentions are clear in your mind, you want a good girl to groom as your wife or you want a bad girl for fun that doesn't annoy you after 23 hours together. If you just want sex, a pump and dump then don't bother with online dating. Save your time, energy and money, Sonny. Yes, money! It is cheaper to go to a blowjob bar or freelancer hangout and get your ends met immediately. But if you have a desire to have the illusion of a girlfriend and a traveling companion or true love, and a life partner, then here is what I would suggest you do.

Scan the members online and pick your ideal target age. If you are a man that doesn't regularly date teenagers or girls 20 years younger or more, then start with your ideal fantasy specs. If you want a good girl then start with the newest members list because they are the least ruined. If you can find girls on their first day – jackpot, you just might find a good girl, unlikely, but we can dream.

Do everything you can to discourage her from talking to other men, but don't be mad when she does. Her answer will always be the same…I'm just checking my messages from friends and I'm going to quit soon. Yah, me too.

If you want a naughty girl then go to the last page of the newest members list because the baddest fun girls live here and are most likely to meet you within the next hour at a pub or restaurant of your choosing. They are well-oiled machines that have been lurking on that page for the last 6 years and they will make it painless with no awkward moments. However, be warned they might suggest an expensive place to meet where they have been dozens of times and know the staff. You will be the only one not in on the fact. Remember you don't speak Thai so you know shit about crap, and if you do, what are you doing on ThaiLoveLinks?

SPECIFICS

If you are looking for a certain weight or height or preference then go to search and type in a KEYWORD. Here you can type in naughty, sexy, fun, beautiful, ladyboy etc. You will get a list of profiles that either contain this word or at one time contained that word.

OH YOU SPEAK MY LINGO

If you speak Thai then you already know many good girls and I'd guess, many more bad ones so pick one of them. But let's assume you don't speak Thai and you are newbie.

Good girls will think it's cute you are trying to learn Thai and might even bare with you when you recite the numbers 1-10 but a bad girl won't put up with this nonsense. She doesn't want you to know her secret codex. And you probably don't want to really know what she is saying anyway. Although, I have this fantasy about having the power of Stickman and the ability to eavesdrop and play dumb instead of just being clueless to what is being said. I've gotten some dirty looks from Thai girls before when I pretended to know that they were saying and they didn't like that. Anything is possible. Nothing is real on a first date. You will be in politeness mode and if you have never been on a blind date, you will probably blow it. But practice makes perfect.

TIME MANAGEMENT

To save time don't read profiles yet, just look for a photo you like and click your interest. By the time you have gone through a few dozen pages you will have a pretty good idea of your specifications. After you finish your clicking frenzy, go back and see if any returned interest. If they didn't respond then go to the photos you liked the best and read their profile. Remember that almost nobody will say they are 30, 40 or 50 years old. Thai girls lie about their age because after 25 it is all down hill for them. My preference is 25 – 30 but the majority of girls will be over 30.

White males lie about their height. Girls lie about their age and almost everything else. Nobody is foolish enough to disclose the complete truth at this point. So just assume they are lying about something. Maybe they have kids, maybe they have….anyways, it's all speculation at this point. You don't speak Thai so you won't know the truth about anything. And it really doesn't matter yet.

Thai girls will all pretty much say the same thing. They haven't dated many farangs before. Usually less then 5. They don't have a boyfriend now, haven't had a boyfriend for years or just broke up with a guy from…pick your least favorite farang country. They don't lie, they don't cheat, they are loyal, they like to shop and they like to eat Thai food that is spicy. None of them has had sex since their last boyfriend.

Sometimes you can find out their true age by going to see what their Chinese Zodiac sign is, Google their sign and see if the years match up with what they say. If they are hovering about 29 or 30 they are probably closer to 34. If they claim to be 39 they are 45. Whitey can't tell the age of Asians, so their fib is usually safe.

One of the most unusual things about ThaiLoveLinks is that they actually have many different options for women with children. They list the ages and how many they have and whether or not they live with them or they live with someone else. If they live alone and the kids live with granny, this is a red flag or a good thing. It could mean your online flirtation is a sex worker.

CHILDREN

Hey, are you my new daddy?

Do you want to be a lover or a daddy? Decide now. Yes, she looks smoking hot in that dress but under the bra lurks a surprise perhaps. Here is the tradeoff…women with children are the most dangerous hunters on the internet. They will literally do anything for their children and to better their lives. They will live years with a man, give him the illusion of love and provide him with almost anything he wants. But, the children are always number 1. They will pick you in a heartbeat to take the bullet for the kids. Although, your greatest chances of finding an adoring faithful wife are with a lady that has already been through it before with another guy. And if he was a Thai guy, the bar probably wasn't raised that high.

I've had limited experience with mothers. Mostly that was back when I first started dating and wasn't ruined with sheer numbers. I was still clinging to this dream of saving some Thai girl and her family. I came to my senses.

Based on morals I would say don't date mothers unless you are living in Thailand, have a good job, can speak Thai and are willing to be loyal to only them and wear a party hat if you don't want any surprises.

Based on reality, I would say you probably won't be with that mother long enough to meet the kids and family. So do what makes you feel good, and try to always wear a party hat. Actually, I heard recently that wearing two condoms feels better than one. But I'm kinda frugal and hate waste so I can only speculate and haven't check out this tip yet.

CONDOMS AND OTHER BUZZ KILLERS

Did you hear the joke about my big dick? Hey it's no joke…what did you hear anyways? She's nuts ya know, don't listen to that crazy chick.

Umm, err, humm, this is a touchy subject but any good guide about dating online must address it.

Did you hear the news, condoms suck, period.

There was this vixen that I met on TLL that insisted after the 4th or 5th time that we didn't need to use a condom after I realized I was out of my favorite brand, Body Guard. You can pick up some at the pharmacy on Suhkumvit around the corner from Nana Plaza. If you have a man sized package you will appreciate the looser fit than the colored balloons that many whores use. They have this tendency to take their thumbs and try to stretch it on in one movement without tearing the thing apart with their painted talons. Learn to put the condom on yourself; long nails are scary on many different levels.

Now, back to the vixen. After I arrived home and was safely away from her, she decided to torment me online by telling me that she was HIV positive and that she hated men and that she wanted to spread AIDS to every man she could. She claimed she was actually a lesbian and that she targeted men on TLL because she thought I deserved to die. I guess she found me worthy, because I didn't fall in love with her and give her money. The next 3 months were the longest of my life. Luckily she wasn't only a crazy bitch, she was also a liar. I'm still here 3 years later and as of 2 weeks ago, without HIV. Just be warned, there are some mental cases that look like beautiful angels on any online dating site. If you don't like drama, pay your whores.

FIRST CONTACT

You like her photo, you send her interest, now what? Don't wait for her to reply and don't try to talk to her on instant messenger just yet. Instead send her a short message to her email. It's more personal and it actually takes less time than talking on IM. Make it short and sweet and don't reveal too much.

"Hi, I read your profile, you seem nice and I'd be interested to chat with you more on MSN, Skype, etc, what do you like to use?"

or

"Hey, I'm new here, and I see your profile and I am really interested to find out more about you, I just arrived in Bangkok and I'm fresh off the plane and I don't know what to spend my money on, can you help me?"

Do not under any circumstances write her back if she doesn't respond. Don't send her a long life story about your trials and tribulations fighting alcohol abuse and how you feel she is your soul mate. If she doesn't respond with a Hi, how r u. Forget her.

She is not looking at your profile anyway. She is looking at your photo and trying to figure out how rich you are. If she doesn't get back to you consider it a compliment because she figures you too clever to put up with her nonsense.

TLL actually has a new innovation whereby you are spared rejection by just commenting on their photo. You aren't actually committing to liking them, you are just stating your opinion. OMG, you look awesome, adorable, amazing, WOW, LOL, It's all over in a few seconds and you are not appearing to try too hard. If the girl is into you, she'll get back. BTW, if they respond at all, it means they are into you.

Statistics state that less then 35% will respond back on most dating sites even if you look like a model. On TLL I would think it is much higher. Just remember to make it their idea to talk to you and don't send more than a sentence or two the first message. Keep it light and try to say something funny about their photo that someone else might have missed. If they are attractive, then the other dogs have been sniffing her hydrant all day and she has received about 1000 comments in the last 7 days, so be original and have a punchy opener. Luckily most of the guys have been trying to contact her via IM, and she is being swamped already, so your email message is more likely to be read. Check on your sent messages occasionally and if she hasn't viewed it maybe she was overwhelmed and send another one early in the morning so it will be first on her list when she wakes up at 7 am. Try to make it personal, and let her know you aren't just sending out a form letter. Also, take one of her less attractive photos to comment on. Most men will commit on their first photo, so you should pick her 4th or 5th because that will peak her interest. Check out to see when she was last active online and send your messages around this time.

SARCASM

DO NOT use it as the first message. It is lost on most Thai girls. Save your wit for MSN after you have had a chance to feel her out with some banter.

"Hello Kitty, you look beautiful, I really like this photo because it shows your hard nipples so much better than the photo in the polka dot dress."

Even if their photos scream out they are a whore, and every shot is a bikini and g-string number, do not state the obvious.

Use only positive words… good, nice, great, amazing, lovely, sweet, adorable, outstanding.

THE NEXT LEVEL

She has responded back and given you her Hotmail address, phone number, whatever, you are off the TLL grid and swimming in deeper waters. Now the deal is yours to mess up. Keep it simple and set up a meet soon. Ask to see her on cam, smile like a donkey for a couple of minutes and then give her a chance to think about you off cam. Ratchet up the heat. Set up a time constraint because you are a busy, sexy guy. You have options. There is another girl that wants to meet you. Don't be at her beck and call. Create a sense of urgency. Create triangles. Thai women like you, you are special, you won't be single long. You just arrived in Bangkok, you never dated a Thai girl. Are Thai girls any good?

Don't ask any hard questions, she hates confrontation and the truth. Save it for later. You will know everything in the first 3 minutes in person. Don't get into some long drawn out webcam affair. If she is too difficult to meet then she is too much trouble. If a girl really wants to meet you, she will find the time. Don't believe her when she says she is so busy. She is just waiting for the best offer. If you are Brad Pitt, she will meet you that afternoon and skip her mother's funeral. Plant the seed early, that you are the prize. She will wash her hair another night and visit her sick friend another day. You must demand her respect. Let her know that you tried to meet another girl but she was late by 30 minutes so you just left and never gave her a chance to meet a great guy like yourself. This will train her not to try those tricks on you.

THAI TIME, THIS IS THAILAND (TIT)

You will almost certainly be stood up or wait hours for girls to arrive for a date if you don't let it be known that you will not put up with this complete lack of disrespect. There is almost no excuse for being late. If you are a desperate stooge, she will make you twist in the wind and supply you with a flimsy excuse that the traffic was bad, or her mother was in a car accident. She would rather die than admit that she was playing cards with her friends and was winning and didn't have enough respect to even send you a text message for 2 hours or answer her phone.

If she is very attractive, then know she is bombarded with guys richer, cooler and better looking, younger and funnier. But she doesn't know that, so you have to tell her in a subtle way that she needs to impress you and show up when she says she will. Tell her you are different and that she should just forget about other guys and try to win you over. Get her to sit up straight and tell her to type faster. She wants you to direct her. She wants you to set the parameters straight from the beginning. Although she would never admit it, even if she knew it on a conscious level.

If she does show up late, 15 minutes is the grace period and anything after that should be immediately addressed. You don't have to freak out, but just let her know that if it happens again, you won't be so understanding and you won't be waiting there too. You would be amazed how quickly they can change their patterns if you have the balls to stand up for yourself. Think of it this way…if you invited one of your male friends out for dinner and free drinks and entertainment at a gogo bar, and all they had to do was show up on time..don't you think you would get there a little early? It's simply a matter of respect.

I don't know Bangkok as good as most Thai girls that live here yet I'm rarely late more than 5 minutes. I have to take the same transportation and deal with the same crazy taxi drivers getting lost as everyone else does, but amazingly I still manage to arrive 15 minutes early. It gives me a chance to wipe the sweat from my face and not look like a homicidal maniac fresh from the kill.

It's a strange phenomena with women, the more attractive they perceive themselves to be, the later they will show up on that first date. Average girls will be on time and ugly girls will show up early. <I STRONGLY disagree with all of this. Low class girls are often late, middle class girls can go either way and well to do women are almost always on timeStick> Funny how that works. Many people will say, well this is Thailand and you just have to accept that they are always late and promises are broken regularly. However, if a girl tells you she needs 45 minutes to take a shower and you joke that she needs to cut that in half or you won't ever take her seriously, she will almost always change her shower time to about 20 minutes. They can change if they want. They can be on time if they want and it's important enough. Just let them know that you have a line that can't be crossed and they will respect that line.

THE MEET AND GREET

So where can I meet you? Where? What time?

The biggest newbie mistake is to allow the lady to pick the place to meet then getting into a taxi and trying to explain that to the driver. Simply do your research online first and map out your date. Have a few options. Keep it open. There isn't really a lot of things to do in Bangkok, especially on a budget. <This is perhaps the single most stupid sentence I have read this yearStick> Essentially if you are trying to escape the heat and running from one air-conditioned place to the next.

Even if it is your first day in Bangkok you have to fake it. You have to take charge and direct this lady or she will sense weakness and make a hasty retreat. Keep the helicopter rides and trips to Phuket for the marriage proposal. The first date, she should come to you. You pick the place. Starbucks, McDonalds, a local pub that she can find easy. A shopping mall is good as they feel safe there. Let her pick the time. If she doesn't drink coffee or booze, then you must find a place that serves Thai food and meet her there. Walk around your area and scope out places that are easy to get to and preferably close to the BTS or MRT, which if you don't know yet, are your main forms of transportation.

If she wants you to travel all over the city in a taxi to get to her, explain that you don't speak Thai and you are not comfortable with that. Realize that you are providing her with free food, drinks, entertainment and perhaps the chance for love and a big financial back end. So if she insists you spend an hour in a taxi, politely thank her for her time and move on. There are many more that will gladly spend 2 hours on a bus to get to you.

Now, you will run into girls that don't have a job or don't make much money, so a taxi fare might be more than they make in a day working a 12-hour shift. If you sense she is a good girl, then offer to pay for her taxi to the meeting and home again. This is the least you can do considering you would have to pay the same amount for yourself to get to her place of preference. Also know that some girls will be lying to you and say they live in Pattaya or some far away city and that they need transportation money to meet you. This is your call. The good thing about them coming so far to meet you is that it is easier to convince them to come to your room to listen to music or watch a movie (code for making out and getting naked). Once they are there and have spent whatever little money they have getting there, they are less likely to make an excuse and jump up and bolt if you fart. And even better, if they have portrayed themselves fraudulently, and for whatever reason you don't want to see them again and make a hasty escape, your first meeting place should be no more than a 5-minute walk to your room or the skytrain.

If it looks like rain, they will try to cancel. So again, do your research and check weather reports on the day of your date. Rain is the Kryptonite of Thais. Meet at a mall and see a movie until it stops. Then go for your romantic walk in the park or to the gun range.

PHONE GAMES

When telling them the place to meet be very specific. If you meet at Siam Paragon at the Starbucks or McDonalds explain which location you mean, and get them to convince you that they know exactly what you are talking about. Before the date, try to talk to them on the phone and find out if they like to play phone games. Text them a message and as soon as they text back, you phone them. If they don't pick up after the 4th ring, they are playing a game. This can become very frustrating the day of the date when you need to confirm and they are ignoring your calls. Since Thai girls are famous for their love of the phone, know that they are never more than arm's length away and can hear it ring during a thunderstorm. If you can't understand what they are saying when you are in your quiet room, you won't have a clue when they are out and about in the city in traffic and a crowd. So learn early if you are going to be speaking or texting with this lady and learn her patterns of communication.

I recently had a lady tell me that it cost 300 baht to get to my place by taxi, but what she doesn't know is that I've made that trip many times before and it is usually not much more than 100 baht. So what this tells me is that she is a calculating whore. That's okay, I can play that game, and she was worth the 600 baht for sex and I just might meet her again.

PONY UP AND PAY YOUR WHORE

Hey, I didn't call you a whore, but since you mentioned it, how much?

Some of the best whores I ever had were from TLL. This has become an extremely effective place to meet prostitutes since I first joined in 2008. They will all say they are not bar girls and they are right. They don't work in a bar, they don't dance, they don't even drink. But they are still prostitutes, and the only difference is that their place of employment is an internet cafe or on their laptop. Many will play coy and search for sponsors and play the long con, but occasionally you will find an honest hooker that just wants to get to business and skip the dinner and a movie. It is better to save that money and your time and give it to them for services rendered. It's actually quite a good way to meet – there is no barfine or pimp tax and you don't have to buy her drinks. She will show you her body on cam and there are no ugly surprises, so you can come away spending less money and not having to leave your room and no walk of shame to a short-time hotel. What's not to like?

In 2010 I sat next to an American on the plane from Vancouver and it turned out he was also traveling to Bangkok with the intention to meet some girls from TLL. He had it all planned out where he was going to go for the month. He thought he would find true love jumping from province to province to meet ladies he had never even seen on cam before. He opened up his laptop and showed me the ladies on his favorites list and it was clear to me he had a thing for Isaan girls that looked like bar girls. By the time we got to Bangkok, I had convinced him to save his time and money and forget about TLL and focus on what he really wanted…sex with bargirls from Isaan minus the traveling and hotel costs.

When I first started dating on TLL I met many girls that were whores, but I didn't know it. Now I see it from their walk and the first few moments together. Sometimes I let them play innocent and other times I let them know that I know. However, girls that play on TLL and don't work in a bar don't want to admit they are really just out for money.

I've had girls from 2009 that still insist they are not prostitutes, but I am now certain they are. I've called them whores to their face and they didn't flinch. If a girl is really a good girl, when you say something like this to their face, you will never hear from them again. And if you do, it is after hours or days of apology.

Finally after 3 years I have two of these girls admitting the truth. They just want money, always did, always will. I knew they were whores but they were holding out for a sponsorship and the illusion of love in return. I almost have to admire their tenacity and willingness to perpetuate the ruse for so long with a straight face. The ability to cry on cue is truly Oscar worthy. The patience it takes to keep this up for years is no longer surprising to me. I understand completely how an otherwise rational man can be completely fooled into believing she is sincere in her affections and really loves him. Even after the price is agreed they sometimes flip back into good girl mode, as if I won't remember what was just said moments earlier. Now I have them haggling over the price, when just a few years ago they were insulted when I offered them money. It's like we are living in different realms of reality. They are running on good girl auto-pilot. They are saying the same things they say to every farang they meet. They are in a trance, and talking in their sleep. They never had sex with a farang before or that they are a virgin, and then that same night they are performing oral sex like a porn star. I just have to wonder who taught them that skill set.

Sure they are going to school and have a degree in some useless area that they will never be able to make any money from because they are only going to school to keep up the good girl facade for their families and potential boyfriends, husbands and sponsors. If a girl says she loves you after 3 dates she is a whore, so pay her as you would a whore. But do it in a way that doesn't make her feel like a whore. It's not money for sex, it's shopping money, taxi money, money for school supplies, uniforms or whatever she needs to hear to make her feel like a good girl.

VENUE HOPPING AND THEN BACK TO THE ROOM

You want them in your bed, first you need to get them back to the room smoothly with no awkward pauses and opportunities for them to reconsider. If I get a girl back to my room I have a 65% chance we will have sex.

The first method is to plant the seed early in the online conversations that there is something in your room that they just have to see. Be creative. A special DVD that they haven't seen before. A book on English that would help them immensely, a game they would love to play, a bottle of wine from your private vineyard in France…whatever it is, it can only be seen in your room. So mention it early in those first moments of contact and then don't mention it again until you have spent some time together and you sense they like you. Do not wait until the end of the night and they are deciding it is late and they have to be to work early the next morning. They know what going back to your room means, and even if they want sex, it is drummed into them to reject this idea because you will think they are a bad girl. You have to be casual about it, control your breathing and don't laugh or show your horny eyes. If your voice cracks, you are toast. You might not get a second date, because you blew it, she wanted to go back to your room, but you were not smooth enough. Convince her.

Here is a basic game plan. You tell her soon after you meet that you are sorry, that you don't have much time for a date because you plan to meet some friends later, or you have some business to attend to, but you really would love to meet her again at another time for more than a quick coffee. This is good for her too, because if she doesn't like you she is not committed to hours of torture and putting on a happy face.

Now, after you have your coffee and cake and she meets your approval, she will find it flattering that you want to cancel your other appointments and go to dinner or drinks, shopping, a movie etc with her. However you need to take a quick shower or get something you forgot in your room. Now you will only be a minute or two, so she might as well just come with you, and then you can go straight to the next venue. If you listened to me you are only a 5-minute walk or taxi ride away from your bed. Take the taxi, she is less likely to see you sweat.

SETTING THE STAGE

She comes back to the room and has a look around to make sure their aren't any dead hookers in your closet and it is bright and airy and smells fresh and looks cosy. There are photos of mom and dad on their 50th wedding anniversary and a photo of your dog Molly playing by your cottage at the lake. You are not a maniac and you have credibility and people that you care about. Good, you might have sex later. You have set the stage well. Now she needs to walk around the four corners like a cat would upon entering its new home.

So you grab your phone or whatever your thinly veiled excuse was to go back to the condo and then you use the washroom and let her sit there for 5 minutes and imagine herself on the bed later in your trustful arms. She looks around and sees that your place is spotless, there is food on the shelf, a microwave and whatever else it takes so that you don't really need to go any place else. Everything you need is in that room. After coming out of the bathroom and checking to see there is no snot balls in your nose casually open your fridge to show that it is fully stocked with all her favorite beverages and pull out some jam and announce you are hungry and just need to eat a peanut butter sandwich before dinner. You have this craving, and then offer her a drink. Now quickly slap together a generous portion of peanut butter sandwich and cut it into four pieces and offer her a bite. Almost every human on this planet likes peanut butter, and it is something that almost every Thai girl doesn't eat enough of. And don't worry about allergies to nuts, almost no one from a third world country suffers from nut allergies; it's a first world problem.

Because if you did your duty, you would have asked her on that first contact conversation what her favorite drink is. If she said beer, you are almost certain to have fun later. If she said water or juice, maybe a little harder to get her back there again. If she likes wine, you have a bottle proudly displayed with two polished glasses just waiting to be used.

Wine is a great reason to come back to a room. If you can find out her favorite brand, you are half way to success. That image of the wine bottle will be burned into her brain and she will be just waiting to get back there to try it out. Even if you say nothing, she can't unremember that bottle of goof a few meters from her face. She will be waiting for your matter of fact offer to go back and drink a glass of wine…but be sure to tell her that she can't stay too long, you have things to do in the morning. She will be flattered once again when you change your mind and cancel your morning meeting for her company instead. Remember, you have options and you can always change your plans; women do it all the time. They say they can't do something and then all of a sudden, plans change. You are just using the same tactics they use. Rejoice, you are a man with a plan.

Another plan is to offer her a glass of wine with her scrumptious sandwich morsel or pull out some cheese and say, let's have a little something to whet our appetites for dinner. Often you won't even have to leave the room if you have some noodles and cheese and wine. That might be enough. You can always go out for dinner or late night dim sum after sex.

You have to play it by ear. If she is the least bit hesitant or uncomfortable in the room, get her out of there and stick to your promise of dinner or whatever. The hard part is over, the scary unknown room has been scrutinized successfully. She isn't a whore if she goes back for just one glass of wine later. You are a gentlemen and didn't rape her the first time so you are, safe and clean and pre-approved.

Ideally you will have some shampoo in the bathroom and some body soap and a new toothbrush still in the package. Any signs of other women have long been cleared out. Your closet door will be open and you should have a fresh package of unopened condoms close by the bed.

COVERING YOUR TRACKS

You might be thinking at this stage that I'm a bit of a dog and a player, and you wouldn't be wrong. Presently, I'm quite smitten with a lady that I recently met and she has spent 4 weekends with me. She doesn't annoy me much and it's a good sign that I am still talking to her after the second date. I am a walking contradiction because I spent over two years talking about nothing with her on MSN before we met. And only seen her on cam about half a dozen times. She still hasn't quite convinced me of her sincerity and there are a couple of issues so I am still playing the field. She is no longer on TLL so that is a plus. The latest drama is that she was a massage girl for a big wig in Dubai for two months but claims she never had sex with him. It's still a touchy subject, so I haven't probed too deeply, but it is coming out in waves.

Today after she left to go back to her rural village in the middle of who the f-bomb knows, she was joking to me on MSN that the security guard next door gave her a look. "What kind of look, did he give you?" I asked.

"Umm, I don't know", she said.

Then she said that if she gives him 200 baht he will tell her exactly what she wants to know about me. Humm, this got me thinking and this was a case of truth in jest. But she might be making a mistake, Because I don't ask or tell either. I don't ask her how many guys she has slept with since the last guy before me. I know she met a guy 1.5 years ago and they are saying the I love yous to each other after only 3 nights together, but now she claims he is out of the picture…at least until he arrives for his triumphant return about 1 month after I arrive home.

Of course that old guy that I suspect isn't even a security guard but is rather a garbage picker that combs through the trash all day and doesn't move from his post for 12 hours each and every day knows about me. He was there when I brought another girl I've known from 2008 over about 2 hours before my harem girl arrived. Did I mention I'm a bit of a dog?

Well, this lady recently broke up with her boyfriend and since I've remained in contact with her for 4 years, I'm at the top of her list for rebound sex with no strings attached. She is on my Facebook page (more about Faithbrook later). We did have sex but I didn't orgasm but still there were the tell tale signs left behind of some shenanigans so as she was still in the shower, I had already ripped the comforter cover from the bed and threw it in the laundry. 53 minutes later I pulled it from the washer and set up a fan blowing air into this bag like a hot air balloon that was big enough to sleep 4 and dried it out in about 30 minutes. As this was going on I literally went on my hands and knees and looked for every piece of hair longer than an inch and threw it out the window. It is amazing the amount that some girls can shed. I didn't even trust it in the trash. Just when you are certain you have found all the evidence, a clump of hair appears out of nowhere. This is the gods of infidelity punishing me. But I'm prepared. I've been here many times before.

SECURITY RISKS

Here's what to do if you don't want to get caught cheating. Every place I've ever stayed in Thailand has a security guard that knows exactly what I'm up to. This Nosey Rosy needs to be paid off and you must let it be known that you don't want their knowing glances anywhere in the direction of your latest girlfriend. Thai girls smell this from 3 sois away. Luckily I have friends that speak Thai that can spell it out to them in a nice polite way. And also I make a point of joking with them and dropping off a can of Pepsi every so often and as I do I place my finger to my lips and give them the shush sign. This is a universal sign to keep their mouths shut then we both smile and have a little chuckle.

Then as we are walking up to the building I run interference and make sure my girl isn't looking at the security guard or his gang of friends that are lurking. Every so often I sense that they are laughing about my antics with the string of girls that enter my room and they are a bit jealous. I'm sure some comments are thrown in my girl's direction upon leaving my place, I just can't be everywhere holding her hand and running decoy, so things are said that makes her aware that I might not be as loyal as I portray.

So play it safe, walk your girl to and from the taxi. Don't trust her with the motorcycle taxi drivers either. These pricks would like nothing better than to expose your antics to your girl. And they live on my soi and see almost as much as the security guard. So insist that your girl doesn't use the motorcycle taxis. Tell her you worry about them because they are a bunch of drunks and you have witnessed a number of accidents and tell her you only want her using taxi when she comes or goes and make sure to pay her taxi fare every time. Get her in a routine of calling you every time she is about to arrive and meet her at the entrance of your hotel or condo. Herd her away from anyone that might blab some remark.

One of the before mentioned good girl whores actually became quite chatty with my security guard and one day after a soapy massage I was in my room in the refractory period and fell asleep. When I awoke, she was sitting at the foot of my bed, watching me breath and drooling on the pillow. How long she had been there I will never know, but it was very unsettling because a have a habit of locking my doors. She got through 2 locked doors and came to see me unannounced and shortly after there was a talk about how she sensed I brought other girls to my room. Someone talked. Remember the day has a thousand eyes and the night a thousand ears. As a farang you are being scrutinized and you don't know who is spouting off or talking a little too loud when your sweetheart walks by. You can't pay off everyone and the only safe way to cheat is to do it in a hotel, miles away from your bedroom and prying eyes.

This year there isn't even a security guard in my building, but I still have this old guy with the knowing looks messing up my mojo. Best not to get eye contact or a routine of saying hello to people that are loitering around your condo. Better to ignore them and give them no reason to smile at you or your date. Your lady will sense something is amiss even if it is on an unconscious level. They know. But if they can't put it in a bag, they can't bust you. Remember to always triple check everything, erase all phone messages received and sent and purge your registry calls. If you have multiple ladies staying at your room overnight, they will all have a toothbrush and will remember its color. So take a pen and place the first letter of their name on it in on the bottom near the end. and when they are planning to come over, you make sure that toothbrush is out and waiting for them. If they have a special soap they bring or some cream they left behind, again place a small letter on it to distinguish who it belongs to, you just can't be too careful. I don't use shampoo, but I make sure to always have some Pantene and conditioner, so if I take a shower with a lady, I make sure to use it. Smells are a big give away. And a freshly soiled pillow smelling of hairspray, shampoo or pussy with surely raise suspicions. So have two sets of clean sheets. And if you don't make sure to wash them as soon as you finish your favorite part.

Girls remember how many times they have sex with you and if the number of condoms doesn't match up you have some explaining to do. So always have a fresh pack or even better have a drawer filled with various kinds out of the box so she can't quite pin down the numbers unless she is an idiot savant. Also have a little black book filled with the real names of girls and in your phone replace them with farang sounding male names. And remember, two can play this game. If she is at all clever she has Bill, Tony and Chuck listed in Thai language and unless you picked up reading this extremely confusing font, you won't have any idea who it is. I learned all my tricks and tips from Thai girls, so two can play this game. Rejoice, you are a man with a plan.

THE SOCIAL MEDIA SHOW

If your girl claims she isn't on FACEBOOK, she is a liar. Every Thai girl is connected to this and is constantly scanning it. If she hides her friends list, it means she has something to hide. Assume every farang on her list that lives in Bangkok is either trying to get in her pants or is presently there. When she says she never met them before then read every comment carefully and never mention that you care about looking at FAKELOOK. Eventually you will start to see who is in her life and is important. Farangs that are constantly commenting on her newest photos are probably a much bigger part of her life then she is admitting.

If you have many different Thai girls as friends on FB then also assume that your girlfriend has her suspicions but isn't saying anything. She might get another friend of hers to become a friend and then the talking begins that spells your demise. If you are up to anything, best to say you don't have an account, or that you recently closed it. There is just too many ways to get caught if you are messing around with your FB friends.

When I was a teenager my step-father always mentioned that there is no real good reason to have all your friends know each other. Not much good can come from it because they will start talking about you if they do meet at a party and it might not be flattering. Since FB arrived in my life in 2007, I realize now what he is talking about. If you are using it, edit ruthlessly. Also remember that if you don't have a FARCEJOKE account, you are considered to be a fugitive from the law and of dubious character. Why don't you have FB will certainly come up. So plan your spiel before hand.

We kinda forget that FB and cell phones have only become popular in the last 10 years. Nowadays we can track our Darling through her Smartphone and know within 3 meters where she is at all times. And they can do the same thing to you. So if you are insisting that she be tracked it works both ways. If you have nothing to hide, there really is no excuse to not be on her grid. She is just worried about you and your safety. In the next few years there won't be much privacy, your lady will insist you scan every room, every closet, under the bed, on the balcony, down the hall and a 360 degree panorama of everyplace you go.

A phone is a Thai girl's biggest symbol of status and if she has an Iphone or similar Smartphone, you have to wonder where she got the money to pay for it if her job only makes 12,000 baht a month. It means that it would take about 6 months to save for this or more. Maybe a FB friend gave her the money.

If she flinches when it rings or doesn't pick it up, it means you have another man on your hands, because they will answer any girl or friend's call at any time of the day or night and chat about nothing for hours. If she is not answering your calls or texts, you have competition, no matter what she says. Because it will never be another farang man. It will be her sister, dad or family member every time. And it is truly amazing how much they will speak and chat with their dad or brother each day and laugh for 30 minutes on the balcony or another room.

And if you have girls calling you, be sure to have your phone in your pants pocket on vibrate or silent and only check it during your toilet time. Even better, turn it off when you are with your girl unless you are expecting a business call. Furthermore, if you are still using MSN, congratulations, she knows every time you sign in where you are. No longer can we use the old school excuse, sorry I was in the shower or out of the house. We are attached to a ball and chain called a mobile device.


EXIT STRATEGY

It's as simple as can be to meet Thai girls online and have sex with them that day. The harder part is getting rid of them if things go south.

I've had dates come from other cities and intend to move right in and set up house 1 hour off the bus. I've had others that brought a suitcase and claimed they had no place to stay. Another came in a car with everything she owned in the trunk and slept in the back seat.

One lady even showed up for the date and 20 minutes in, low and behold, her sister showed up with her child. I spent the rest of that date in KFC with a crying baby and a mother with tears telling me her hard luck story. After going for a cigarette I decided to text her a message that I just couldn't do this, sorry. Then I got on the train and made my way back home. Two weeks later after dating Stickman I had her back at my room.

They can't wait to ingratiate themselves and receive free rent, food, entertainment. It's an awesome option for many.

So when they are embedded into a situation that beats sleeping on a mat on a dirt floor and picking rice for 12 hours a day on their knees, you can understand why they might not want to give that up so easily.

There is something very menacing about a girl that has no other friends to turn to and is relying on a stranger to take care of them.

There is no social parachutes in Thailand. If you don't have family or friends or money, you have to take desperate measures to survive. And why don't you have family or friends or money?

Almost everyone can be employed in Thailand. If anything they are over employed and most positions are redundant. If a girl doesn't have a job it's because she is lazy and doesn't want to work. She wants the easy life and that often involves spreading their legs on a bed a few times a day. Given their situation, I would rather be with some old guy than working in a stifling factory making fake purses.

I would advise you have at least a couple of excuses to remove yourself from a date. Even if you don't know a soul in Thailand, you should say you have some friends. If she has any criminal intentions, then they are less likely to rob you or worse if they think you have backup. A little bit of paranoia is helpful. The good news is that of all the hundreds of ladies I've met, I've only been robbed once. It could always be worse.

Be wary of any lady that wants to stay the night and then doesn't leave the next day, doesn't have a plan, a job, or anyone phoning her. Long before this happens you could mention you are busy the next day with friends, business or if you don't want to see her again, you are traveling around Thailand for a couple of weeks or going home. You don't need to explain too much. If she asks to come and meet your imaginary friends, tell her she can't, you have plans for just a boys night out or something similar. If you have to explain too much, you are dealing with a psycho.

Also remember you have more to worry about a stranger staying overnight in your room than she does. She is a Thai lady and is almost invisible and can evaporate never to be seen again with your belongings in the middle of the night like a ninja. She can pawn your laptop and cellphone before you wake up in the morning. You are farang and would be completely insane to try anything with a Thai citizen, your every moment is watched closely and you wouldn't get far if you were to do anything to harm this lady. If she seems overly worried, then explain it to her just as I have said and watch her reactions. If she disagrees, it means she is playing you. Of course she knows you have more to lose than her and she wouldn't be with you if she suspected for a second that you plan to harm her. Sure, there are instances of farangs killing their girlfriends but I can't recall a single story of a farang serial killer or rapist. Stick, this is your chance to chime in with statistics. <It does happen but you're right, it's more often the foreigner who is the victimStick>

Perhaps you are reading this guide and it's too late – you are living with a girl now that claims to love you after a few days and you want her to leave, but have trouble saying no. Maybe she has mentioned her father or family member is a policeman or soldier or that she has a gun and an unstable jealous streak. She tells you she would rather die than leave you now. Well my friend, you have yourself a crazy bitch on your hands and you need to make it her idea to leave.

Stop showering and brushing your teeth and tell her you are almost out of money and could you borrow money from her parents. Tell her you love her and you want to marry her but you have to sell everything you own first and live with her family for the first few years until you find a job. Start farting and belching and drinking heavily. If she hates smoking then take it up immediately and tell her you have been hiding your addiction and that you can't stop. Stop having sex with her and say you have developed a ladyboy obsession or that you think you are gay. Or take your chances and just find something to complain about, catch her lying, ask her some hard questions and hammer her constantly about her other men.

If that doesn't work, then you need to give her shopping money and tell her to go to the beauty shop for the afternoon while you clear out your room, lose your SIM card and drop off the grid.

SCAMS

Just yesterday I was at my favorite bagel shop and the American owner told me a story about a British guy that had asked to borrow money because he got his pocket picked. It was only the second time he had been in his shop and already he had the nerve to ask a stranger for a loan. Initially he asked for 1,000 baht to get him through the next couple of days while he could get some money transferred from his account in the UK.

The next day he came in and said he would need an additional 1,500 baht because the bank required a fee to do this. He planned on getting about $5,000 sent to the bank in Silom.

I made it known that I found this very suspicious and that I thought he had been scammed, but he said he didn't mind either way. After I interrogated him for details he admitted to suffering from not being able to say no to people.

Alarms bells went off when he told me the Brit asked him shortly before he left for the bank if it was okay to leave 50,000 baht with him because his hotel didn't have a room safe.

This is classic sentence slippage. The con man had already received the additional 1,500 and he still could not mask his glee and had to talk past the close.

I wasn't surprised to learn today that he hadn't returned with any money and had checked out of his flea bag hotel shortly after he claimed to be going to the bank. My naive bagel shop owner is still insisting that it won't be the last time he will play the good Samaritan because he has been in situations before when he needed help and it was given to him. He obviously is just selling it to himself and I'm sure he isn't telling the whole story.

The part where he was offered something, what was in if for him?

Because the con man didn't ask for a lot of money he felt assured that everything was on the up and up. 2,500 baht isn't a bad take considering there was no investment or materials required to earn his money. Bangkok is a big enough place where he can go around everyday for years and not run into the same person twice and nickel and dime soft touches and trusting small business owners.

2,500 baht is a week's salary for many Thais and the Brit made it with only a total of 1 hour of talking. I wouldn't give any money to anyone unless you are willing to lose it. Many people will walk blocks out of their way to avoid running into someone they owe far less.

BLACK AND WHITE

Once you are a new member of TLL you will likely start getting messages from people who are outside of Thailand. They will have a very well-written profile and it will list a number of hobbies and other tripe and insignificant information. The lady will have no photo, she will be a god fearing Christian and demand you be of a like mind. She will quickly want to get out of TLL and onto MSN, or Yahoo to chat with you more. She will not have a webcam, but she will have an endless supply of photos she can send you. Eventually she will tell you that she is not actually living in the city or town on her profile but instead is living in Nigeria under dire circumstances. I've had them contact me so many times I see the pattern coming. I've actually played along for days before. It was a string of canned responses and reading of a script.

Welcome to the reality where you are about to fall in love with a black man in a phone room.

It got to the point where as soon as the first Hello came I responded with, How's Africa working out for you?

They lose interest fast and sometimes block me, but not before I note their membership number and lodge a complaint against yet another well oiled scam. How am I so certain?

Well, I've actually had in depth conversations where the man seemed relieved and delighted to brag about the fools he has extracted money from online. I copied the conversation and just forwarded to TLL headquarters. There really isn't a lot they can do though. They are getting hundreds of new profiles each day, and they are mostly just checking to see if there is nudity. They can't go over every profile thoroughly or else they might have to farm out the work to Indian or African companies to monitor everything.

Just be wary of anybody that doesn't live in Thailand and wants to make friends with a stranger and don't care where you happen to stay at the moment. What they will do is pick you apart like a vulture. Every day they will send you long and detailed emails and wait for you to supply another piece of the puzzle. Your real name, where you work, your birthday, your mom's name, your grandmother's name. They have nothing but time to put together a detailed profile of who you are and what you are all about.

You will be sending a care package with your real world street address and not thinking twice about it. You will be sending plane tickets and money for a new school. They won't ask you directly for any money, but you will gladly offer it. You will be considered their savior and a hero and you will pay dearly for it.

They are preying on love-sick lonely hearts across the globe and they have decided you look ripe for the picking. They will seem overly interested in anything you care to mention about yourself and encourage you to brag and engage you in all kinds of mental masturbation over days, weeks or even years. This Nigerian went so far as to say he pulled over 50,000 dollars out of one widower's bank account and left him penniless. I would hope if you are reading Stickman you are well past this point. But I never can assume anything anymore. There is a sucker born every minute and a fool and his money is soon parted.

The other similar flip side to this is the good-looking white woman, with the too good to be true stunning glamour photos. They will be almost always be from Russia or some eastern European country and they will also never be seen on a webcam but will have a myriad of sexy photos to send upon request. I haven't figured out if this is a computer room scam or these are independents hunting, but it's the same basic premise. They will talk to you for hours each day extracting more and more information and using it to get your money into their pockets. There will always be some plausible reason why they can't ever use the money you sent to buy their plane ticket, they will grind you to dust with emotional baggage and quilt. You will become their friend and then you will fall in love with the illusion of who you imagine them to be. They are exactly what you want. They are studying you like a poker playing and they are always bluffing when you are showing them your open hand with the cards on the table.

SECOND DATES

I am constantly amazed at how well a lady will like me after a first date. It goes smoothly, we end up having sex, she leaves with a kiss goodbye and we both know that a second date is a given.

Then some strange Bizarre World event happens or the phone call comes with tears attached. She has a problem.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS

We planned to meet at a restaurant for lunch but she called me 30 minutes before and asked me to meet her at the Emporium Mall at the mobile phone store. I show up and she is waiting inside with a nervous look on her face and looking about half as good as she did on the first date. She had ordered a new phone and forget her ATM or credit card. The clerk was smiling and had the phone in a bag ready to go.

She wanted to know if I could just loan her 27,000 baht and we could go to her room which was about 10 minutes away to pick it up later after lunch. I asked her why she just didn't go home and come back in 20 minutes? She said, it was inconvenient for her and that it wasn't that much money for me, and couldn't understand why I was asking her this simple and logical question. Don't I trust her? She seems annoyed that I would even suggest another option then the one she had asked. I immediately spun around on my heels and walked away. She followed me until I made it clear that I didn't want to have anything to do with her again.

3 minutes later she sent a text and said she was already home and had her ATM card with her, and that she still wanted to meet me for lunch. She was sorry, she really liked me and was sad that I didn't trust her and would I come back to meet her? If you know anything about me, you can probably already guess I deleted her number and never heard from her again. If I did give her that money, I'm sure I wouldn't have seen her again after the first toilet break.

SOM

Som met me on our first date with two other co-workers that I wasn't expecting to show up with her. Som was tall and beautiful and spoke excellent English. Her friends were duds, didn't speak a word and instead stared at me with grimaces. There was no thank you for feeding them. It was just expected as part of meeting their beautiful friend. Later on MSN Som told me she and her co-workers really like me and thought I was kind and generous and thanked me for them. She also mentioned that she had just recently met another man from TLL for a date and that he was really nice, and was a very handsome model from Italy. She said he wasn't very generous because they went shopping together on the first date and he spent only 10,000 baht on makeup supplies for her. She couldn't really decide who she liked better, him or me. What should she do? I said she should meet him again and tell me how she felt. I almost had to laugh. This competition game has never worked on me before. Thinking that was the end of Som, she contacted me again about a week later that she had a problem, her brother was in a motorcycle accident and she needed 30,000 baht for hospital fees and could I help her. Cancel, delete, next.

PUI

Pui was the first girl to ever show me her breasts on cam and they were spectacular. I just had to ask if they were real. She said they were and that I could suck them when I came to Thailand. I was a second year newbie and she knew it. Every night for weeks before I arrived she would talk to me and say nothing except how horny and excited she was to meet me. Then when I arrived in Bangkok she was unavailable to meet me for the first 8 days. I forget the reason now. But it had something to do with her wanting me to date other girls first and giving me a chance to find true love because she just cared about me so much. WTF does that really mean?

The first date I met her at a mall and she kissed me in front of the entrance and we went to eat at MK. It was quickly apparent within a few minutes that she was expecting me to be much different. I realize now she was expecting me to be a love-struck idiot. That first date ended with a half-hearted goodbye and promises to meet again. But I knew she just wasn't that into me. However a few days later she called and asked if I would meet her at an Irish pub and since I didn't have another date I said sure. We met, she seemed in better spirits and we had a couple beers together before she was falling down drunk and asked to go back to my room to take a nap.

She immediately fell on the bed and went to sleep for about 2 hours while I laid there and read. She finally awoke seeming extremely refreshed and took a shower. We were having rough sex shortly afterwards and I soon discovered her tits were fake. She seemed to have forgotten that she had told me otherwise. And then she went on to attempt to break my penis in half while riding me like a wild banshee on meth. We fell asleep in each other's arms and it was 4 AM before I awoke from her text message, which read something to the affect, "Sorry, I lied to you, I am a very very bad women, I lie to you about many many things, you are a nice man so I won't bother you again."

I felt to see if I still had my penis and then looked around the room to see if anything had been taken. I noticed that my laptop power cable was disconnected, but it was still there. Luckily it was an old piece of shit laptop and I was planning on buying a new one within the week. The closet door was open and the desk drawer was also open. She had rifled quickly through my room while I snored away. Fortunately I had stashed my wallet in the bottom of the trash while she was in the shower and it was still there. This was one of my first experiences dating and it proved to be a valuable lesson.

SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL

Skipping ahead about 150 dates later I planned to meet a lady at my place where she offered to cook me her special recipe of German sausage. She was a soldier and she carried a photo of her 9mm Glock which she called her baby, so she wasn't scared to come to a strange man's place not having even seen me on webcam or talked to me on the phone. I was stupidly swayed by her 1 provocative photo that I soon discovered was a fake.

She was 3 hours late getting to my place. At the 2 hour mark I had already sent her a SMS that I had to be somewhere else and said I had to cancel. She instantly phoned back and started crying within seconds and told me she had spent hours shopping for her special meal and 400 baht for the taxi and that she would be there in minutes and please would I just wait, I wouldn't be disappointed.

Her minutes turned into another hour and I was fuming by her arrival. She was nothing like her photo and was a big women, rather unattractive and to make matters worse seemed mentally unstable or on drugs. She was hyper active and didn't stop chattering away from the moment I met her at the security desk. The looks from security should have warned me to run, but I was kinda committed and caved. I passively told her that I had to meet friends soon for a birthday party but she ignored it and just talked over me, knowing it was pure lies.

She then went on and on about me dating other women and did I love them or was I just using them for sex and did I just want to use her for sex. I decided to open up my apartment door to air it out because I started to chain smoke and I wanted witnesses to hear my screams if need be. This lady was scaring me. She cooked her meal and then barely touched it, if at all. It was surprisingly delicious and I ate every bite.

Then it was apparent that she had planned to stay the night with me. I told her I had to go and meet my friends for a party and again she just talked over me like I wasn't there. Then she said she just needed to go to the bathroom and when she came out it was obvious that she had taken off her bra and was exposing her cleavage. At this point I was into my 4th glass of whiskey and had almost finished a full pack of smokes and the place was a cloud. I wanted her out of my room and I went so far as to place her shoes in the hall but stopped at actually physically removing her bodily.

Finally I had to relieve myself in the bathroom and was only gone perhaps 2 minutes before I came out again. All of a sudden, she didn't want to stay the night anymore. She had to leave and would I walk her to the taxi. Well, yes I will and I couldn't put on my shoes on fast enough and get her the hell out of my life. She didn't stop talking about how we would meet again and how I should be nice to women and not be a playboy and really seemed to believe that we would meet again. I was even forced to return a hug when she threw herself at me. The security guards giggled.

That night I slept like I was in a coma and awoke about noon the next day. I passed it off as being drunk, but really it was only 5 shots of whiskey. Perhaps she had spiked my food with something because it wasn't 30 minutes after she left before passing out from what I thought was mental exhaustion. It wasn't until a few hours after awaking that I realized that my watch and gold ring were gone.

I immediately sent an SMS and received back gibberish. Her profile on TLL had already been closed and she stopped answering my texts and the line went dead. Although I really wanted to call the police, I decided nothing good could come of it and she wasn't worth the trouble and to chalk it up as the cost of doing business and dating in Thailand.

In retrospect I believe I know what happened in those 3 hours she was late in coming to my room. She was going around and collecting rent money. It was the last day of the month and farangs usually pay their rent in cash the next day. Her intention must have been to stay the night and either drug me, poison me or wait for me to fall asleep and then find that rent money like a soldier on an intel mission.

The most valuable lesson I've learned so far. If they are trouble before they even come to meet you, cancel the date if you feel in anyway threatened or worried. It's your natural defensive mechanisms warning you and always go with your gut instead of your dick. And if a girl claims to be crazy or hyper, she isn't worth it no matter how good she looks. The watch was a Christmas gift from my ex and the ring was my grandfather's Masonic ring and irreplaceable. Monetarily it was about $750. Not bad for a few hours work in any first world country. I'm still not over it and I have to say it bothered me for months and everywhere I went I looked for her face in the crowd.

THE PITCH

I can't tell you how many times I've heard some strange story or request for cash just days after meeting a women.

She lost 5,000 baht on the way to the bank from work, and what can she do, she will be fired.

Her mother was in a terrible car accident when she was on the way to meet me and she couldn't find 30 seconds in the day to text me and cancel our meeting. But I can't send flowers because she forget her mother's name and which hospital she was at!

She lost her phone or she dropped it in the toilet or left it in a taxi so she couldn't call me. OMG, she found it two days later in her jeans pocket. Me bad.

She needed 10,000 baht to fix her car or else she wouldn't be able to come and meet me again from Korat. We agreed on 1,000 for short time instead. First rule of whoring, never pay in advance.

Can I lend her 40,000 baht to open a nail and makeup business. She will pay me back double after she finds some super model clients and I can trust her because I had been to her room. Which consisted of a 12'x12' space with an exposed shower in the corner next to the door. She had some plastic bags next to the wall, with all her clothes, a fan, a radio and a roll up mat to sleep on. It would take her all of 1 minute to grab everything she owned and flee in a taxi.

Can I check the price of the new Blackberry in my country because maybe it is cheaper, and btw my birthday is this month.

I can be your girlfriend for 20,000, 30,000, 40,000, 50,000 baht per month. If I want Matt Dillon's whore it is a bargain at 90,000. I wish I could make this shit up.

I forgot to tell you until the 4th date, I am married and have a son. I can be your girlfriend for 40,000 baht though. My husband is rarely in Thailand. He is a pilot.

Something about round numbers with Thai women – it is never 12,995 a month for a girlfriend tax.

One girl was so odd, she came over to my room with a friend and then after about 1 hour the friend quickly got up and left. For the next five minutes this women grabbed my hand so hard with retard strength and stared into my eyes as if she was giving me a polygraph test. Her body was awesome and the sex was great except that her eyes were rolled back in her head like she was the bride of Frankenstein with only the whites showing. It was eerie. A month later she phoned to tell me she was pregnant and that it must be my baby and why did I put a hole in the condom? I explained to her that I was fixed and had a vasectomy years ago so even if the condom was broken, there was no way it was my kid. She hung up and went to the next man on the list I guess because I never heard from her again. Mental Note….pay your whores something fair.

I realize that it seems like I've had nothing but negatives experiences with dating Thai women. But this isn't so at all, and the vast majority have been great experiences. Over the years I've met countless girls that didn't provide any drama and quickly faded out of my life after meeting them. It was mutual, they knew it, I knew it, and no point to continue, we just were not a match. I was bored. They had better offers.

The reason that I recall the negative experiences is the same reason you never hear comedians talking about their happy relationships – nobody is interested.

Hey did you hear about the guy who was in the perfect loving relationship with his Thai bargirl?

Humm, No, I didn't hear that one…ever.

Discouraged yet? Wait there's more, I almost forgot something. Maybe I haven't quite sold you on all the benefits of dating Thai women.

STATS

38 months in Thailand with a conservative estimate of 10 dates a month (not including prostitutes), with an average of 65% bedroom action.

Estimate of good girls I've dated…5 – 10

Number of girls that I know actually married someone from TLL and moved to a farang country….1.

Estimate of ladies that could be trusted to bail me out of jail or hold onto my ATM card and PIN…zero.

Estimate of having a common sex partner with another male member of TLL reading this guide…highly probable. I know of at least 2 men and 1 of them had at least 5 common sex partners as I and approximately 8 common dates.

Estimate of finding true love on TLL after 5 years…highly unlikely.

Will I keep looking for love?…sure, it's better than the alternatives in my country. As far as distractions goes, Thai women are pretty darn good.

Reporting from the clean sheets of Bangkok. JC



Stickman's thoughts:

What a tremendous amount of effort went into that! So many useful tips, so much good background info and plenty of amusing bits and pieces.