Readers' Submissions

A Guide To Online Dating In Thailand continued

  • Written by JC
  • December 6th, 2012
  • 16 min read



THE BOLD MOVE

You moved in like a mongoose for the first kiss and you mashed teeth, caught air or were presented the dreaded cheek bone. She blushes and says she has a boyfriend, she's a good girl, or she just can't do this yet, and you are left trying to figure out what went wrong. Awkward. You missed some crucial stages. Baby steps, my brother, baby steps.

Let's back up to the opening and the moment you first laid eyes on each other. It was only a few hours ago, so it shouldn't be a stretch to remember. If you were on the ball you spotted her long before eye contact and are trying to figure out if it's her or another brunette with brown eyes among the crowd of clones sauntering out of the skytrain. She is only 11 minutes late and you are already drenched in sweat if you didn't stop off at the ubiquitous 7 Eleven for a wet face cloth, breath mints and condoms.

By the time you say those opening remarks she has probably already decided if there is a chance she will have sex with you. This is a good or bad thing depending on how you feel about her too. As a man, you will probably have sex with her either way, after all she is here, she's breathing and you are on a blind date, so you are not likely that choosy. At this point nonchalantly turn off your phone, you have work to do and just might be able to save the deal. Take off your sunglasses.

Finally, she realizes it's you, and you smile big, your eyes open wide and you bow and she curtsies and the first words out of your face should be something like.

"Hi, wow, you look great, nice, wonderful, even better than your photos!" Do not blurt out "Are your tits real?"

Her first words will probably be. "Sorry I late, crazy traffic, driver get lost or you so tall, fat, have pimple, what happen your hair'?"

DISGUISES AND DRESSING THE PART

Good girls have no idea how rich you are from the clothes you wear. Those designer jeans with the rips, those 250 dollar kicks the pre-wrinkled T-shirt that cost you more than the average English teacher's whole wardrobe will be lost on her. She will be looking for signs of status that she understands. If you are just visiting Thailand your phone likely won't be as new a model, so bury it in your pocket and forget it. If it is the latest greatest, then you are clutching it like a winning lotto ticket and it goes on the table like a trophy.

Unless you are meeting in Pattaya on Beach Road, don't wear sandals, shorts or a wife beater. She won't be impressed with your tanned gladiator calves, she's seen it all before. If you do want to play it safe with a good girl, then you have pressed slacks, dress shirt and polished shoes. A suit is considered overdressing, but for some girls it will make them squirm with delight to be seen around town on a Saturday night. Just give her some warning before you show up in the tuxedo so she can pick out a matching black dress for the governor's ball.

I will ask them on the phone while I'm confirming the date what they are planning to wear and what colour her shirt is. Do your research.

If she is a bad girl, her jeans will be tight and wearing a revealing top or T-shirt to show her shape. If she is wearing high heels and a dress, it means she wants to go somewhere nice to eat or drink. If she is a whore, she will be wearing tight shorts and her navel will be pierced and she will also be wearing 4-inch heals. If her tattoo is exposed it means she is proud of it and wants you to know she isn't a good girl, no matter what she says.

If she is wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side she wants to show you she is into hip-hop and will hop on your cock later. A ring through the nose shows she doesn't mind a little rough trade. Painted on or tattooed eyebrows, same thing. Hair extensions, obvious fake boobs, nose job, long nails, heavy makeup are all signs that she is a goer. If she is holding a pack of smokes in her non-phone hand, it means she will smoke your pole as well. I'm a smoker and almost no good girl smokes in Thailand. If she says on her profile that she doesn't like smokers but still agrees to meet you, it means she is likely a bad girl or a whore and will still kiss you if you pay her enough.

ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES

If she shows up and is ignoring you with little eye contact or talking on her phone or playing a game or checking her Facebook account, it means she has already decided that she doesn't want to play with you because she doesn't like your style, your face, your shape, whatever. She isn't worth your time or respect.

There is a possibility that she is shy, but I would say unlikely.

She is just a bitch and is disrespecting you, so you have a choice to make immediately. Play it out or rabbit.

If you decide to stay and find out what her game is, then just go to McDonalds and have a coffee and wait for her pitch after she babbles away to her friend and decides begrudgingly that you just might need to finally be addressed. She probably doesn't want to go through the movie and romantic dinner. If she has more than a couple of the listed check marks of a whore, then offer her something. You really don't have much to lose at this point and she just might appreciate you cutting to the chase. Remember, you can probably find sex with something better in about 10 minutes, so unless you are very turned on by this bitch, I would say, cancel, delete, next her sorry ass. At the very least, low ball her. It just feels good. You are the prize. She has more to lose than you, she is a dime a dozen in Thailand. Bye bye, don't cry.

How do you know if someone is in the movie industry, a Christian or a whore?

Don't worry, they'll let you know soon enough.

However, if she seems good, the meet and greet is going splendidly and she seems engaged and interested, then it's game on.

LEADING THE WAY

After you nod and smile and she talks about how tall you are or how you don't look anything like your flattering profile photos, you will place your hand lightly on her back and push her in the direction of the food. As you enter the restaurant you pause and survey the place like you are master of this domain.

Don't necessarily be seated where the waitress decides. Instead motion to your date to pick the seat she finds most comfortable. This is always the lady's choice, because if they don't pick the view, then she will not be happy the whole time. She won't say anything to you, but her friends will hear all about it.

After she has positioned herself pointing away from the hottest chicks in the room. You immediately sit down right next to her, within striking distance. Don't do the polite mistake of positioning yourself across from her as if you are at a job interview. There probably won't be a lot of conversation so if you are both pointed in the same directions you can comment on the scenery or human comedy. Also, she isn't so apt to see your eyes constantly scanning for movement of pussy.

What happens here is that you are close enough to casually touch her. This is known as kino escalation. It gives her a chance to touch your hand after you make a witty observation. If she touches you anywhere, it is a good sign and an indicator of interest. Women that don't plan to have sex with you will never touch you even once. But a girl that can envision you on top of her in the push-up position will find ways to touch you on the hand, elbow, bicep, shoulder, the leg or the sweet spot. She will likely comment on your white skin and how she likes it and wishes she had whiter skin. This is your chance to invite her to feel how soft, rough, tanned, toned, scaly or scarred your skin is. If she recoils with disgust when you touch her arm and ask her to pass you a napkin, you know you are wasting your time, she isn't going to be touching your junk this day. You need to be qualified more. Are you trainable?

TALKING THE TALK

It isn't necessarily a bad thing if she isn't a chatty Kathy. I enjoy the company of my dog best when she isn't barking. Online girls in Thailand are different from girls in most of the world. They can actually have something to say, as long as it is written and not spoken. For some reason English is learned first through reading and writing and speaking it is almost always the last thing they practice. The exception is the bar girl and her twenty canned questions and responses. It is the opposite for farangs. We learn to speak the language and most never get to learning the written word.

You don't have to try too hard. All the bragging and name dropping you might feel will impress her won't. Unless it revolves around the small orbiting universe of Thailand or the closest shopping mall, she won't have a clue about geography or world history. And actually she won't even know much about Thailand history or geography. She will think World War II happened in southern Thailand 7 years ago.

Personally, I drive limousines, which is a glorified way to say I drive an expensive taxi. I've driven some of the richest and most famous faces in the world. You being a farang would perhaps be impressed and know every name, but a Thai girl is oblivious to all but the most recent trends in music or movies. She might have listened to their music or used a product from their company, but unless they are on a Thai soap opera or a singer, nobody cares. In fact, if you mention a name she should know, she might lose face because she can't compete. Best not to mention the name of Jehovah out loud with Thai women.

Ask her the population of her home town and she will look at you as if you have 2 heads. Go to Google Earth and she won't be able to even find it. If she does happen to stumble upon it, I don't care if there are 58 people living there in 3 shacks, she won't be able to tell you which square roof is where her straw mat rests under. And even if she does know exactly, she won't tell you. She will talk in circles for as long as she needs before you give up asking a stupid question that doesn't involve food, shopping or currency exchange.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE

Where you from?

Unless she has an ex boyfriend from your country or they have a famous football team (football is what North Americans call soccer) she won't know it. I come from a place far far away called Krypton. She will say, "I see, okay", and move on to the real meat and potato questions.

What your job?

Online this is often thrown out before Hello, or what's your name? Unless you are a doctor, (which really amazingly large numbers of men on TLL apparently are), she won't care much. Say you have a PHD in Political Science. Nobody anywhere knows what that means and she won't push you for details.

If you sell insurance, say you are unemployed or really say anything, nobody is impressed with this job and you will never hear a lady say, "Oh really, that's fascinating please tell me more".

If you are involved with marketing, just kill yourself. No really, I'm not joking, just kill yourself now, you spawn of Satan–Bill Hicks R.I.P

Do you like Thai lady?

Umm, not really, but it seems a better option then farm animals or women my own age and weight. She knows all the reasons already, she just wants to hear it again. It's another way of saying, "Can we talk about how ugly farang women are and how great I am now?" The opposite of talking is not listening, it's waiting.

Do you have Thai girlfriend before?

Okay, deep breaths here, slow, two big breaths, slow, slow. Be careful. Anything more than two means you are a playboy and have a black heart. Less than two means what's wrong with you and why don't other Thai ladies find you useful? What she is really asking you is do you know that she is really no prize? And how much of the tricks you are aware of, and how much can she get away with? This is sometimes followed with the even more probing question.

How many lady you date from TLL?

Ask for specifics before you answer. "Do you mean from yesterday or today?" It's foggy really, I thought I remembered eating breakfast with a lady but there also might have been someone for lunch. It's considered dinner time now right? Or say 999 and smile. Any other number is too much. Remember, what they said and copy them. They have been dating 6 years and have been on 2 dates and they married both men.

What is your favourite food? Things that at one point had a mother and eyes, Thai teenagers or a bucket of plain rice.

What is your favourite colour? Red or Yellow, I can't decide.

Do you rent or own your condo in Bangkok? Say you are renting but if you find the right lady to marry you will build a house in the sticks and have your pension check sent to her parents' place.

What is the name of your condo and how much is your rent? I don't know the name in English. Whatever you pay for rent they can get it for half that.

How long will you visit Thailand? Until the authorities catch up with me or I run out of money and jump from the balcony of my rented condo.

Do you plan to travel to any other place in Thailand besides the Suhkumvit ghetto? If they have a blowjob bar there I will consider it.

Have you ever been married? Yes or No. But I can be domesticated and controlled by awesome sex.

Are you married now? Presently I'm in between owners.

When did you break up with your last Thai girlfriend? Technically, we didn't break up, I faked my death.

How old are your children? The competition is over 18 and are not a financial burden. No, I don't have children but don't take it the wrong way, I like kids, I just couldn't eat a whole one.

Do you have life insurance? No, but if I did , my brother, who you will never meet in person, is the sole beneficiary.

Do you own your home in Farangville? Not quite, I enjoy long-term commitment with ruthless loan sharks and rapists.

What is your credit rating? 911

Does anyone in your immediate family suffer from heart disease? Yes, don't startle me, I'm not long for this world.

What is your doctor's name and address? Doctor Who. Earth

Do you have condom? Always, I'm actually wearing one now to save time.

Congratulations, you got through the initial interrogation and now you are either set free to roam Walking Street or you have some emotional water-boarding in your immediate future. Hopefully, you have made your date laugh and she has touched your arm, played with her hair, dangled a shoe on her toe or some other sign that she likes you. The conversation has been thrilling and you spent the whole time listening to her talk about spicy Thai food, how she thinks she is too skinny or that her perfect honey tanned skin is too dark. You waited for your opportunity to segue into your reason for going back to your room to show her your photo essay on soi dogs of Thailand and she is primed and ready to go. If she is in the washroom, pay the check and when she comes back, stand up and tell her the bill has been settled and it's time for my dessert.

WALKING THE WALK

As soon as you hit the street offer her your hand to hold. You are her protector and she is safe with you. If she takes your hand, interlock your fingers because this shows her you are willing to connect and stay together long term. If she squeezes your hand, with a pump or two, it means you are in. Well played. You are almost having sex.

Only hold her hand long enough to get into a taxi or until you sense she wants to let go. If no taxi is in sight, start walking towards your bed until the taxi comes. Better to be in the taxi then having to negotiate the streets. Thai people have no sense of spatial etiquette and they will all seem to be coming at you like drones in a racing game while you are avoiding potholes and sharp things at eye level. You don't want your girl to roll an ankle now, or the dates over.

Get her in that taxi as soon as you can and the sanctuary of air-conditioning even if it is a 200 meter walk. Open the door to the taxi and toss her in head first. You can say Hi to the taxi driver, but drivers don't need these niceties and use your limited Thai language to get home. Or just point and wave frantically and make sounds from your mouth that suggest directions. Take those cheap breath mints they gave you as your change and offer her one. This is code for, get ready for kissing. If you haven't revealed you are a smoker yet, don't worry, she already knows, but still don't light a cigarette yet. You went 19 hours on planes without a smoke to get sex, so you can wait another hour or two before you indulge in that filth again. Wait at least 15 seconds after orgasm.



Stickman's thoughts:

Amusing in parts, but I wonder if it's only me who thinks there's a creepy undertone here.

It rather sounds as if you either tended to meet the same type of women or have written mainly about one type of women. I can relate to what you say here from when I did the online dating thing but would qualify that by saying that only a percentage of women were like this. A significant percentage, sure, but far from all.