Western Women: I Just About Give Up! – Postscript
I received a lot of feedback to my submission, Western Women: I Just About Give Up!, which Stick posted recently. I’ll reply individually to those who were kind enough to send e-mails. There were some very interesting points raised which I thought may be useful to share here. (I noted Stick’s ‘young man’ comment with a wry smile but I have to confess that at 57 I still feel like a young man in understanding women – wherever they’re from – and perhaps I always will do.)
First an update to the story. My friend the old dear (the mother of the woman in question) has led an interesting life. She has pink hair and pink DM boots. In her 50s she went backpacking in South America. Later she went independently to Nepal and worked in very remote areas as a teacher. Her views of NGO staff (from personal experience) very much reflect some of the views expressed here on Stick’s site – i.e. not very complimentary, not really getting involved in local issues, living in enclaves and enjoying their lifestyle and 4x4s. We are good friends and can pretty much talk about anything. She knows about most of my adventures (and I know some of hers) and she is unusual (in my experience) in not only not condemning but actually understanding why men who use the P4P scene responsibly are not devils incarnate and why women who offer P4P are not necessarily poor enslaved victims. I probably haven’t explained that well but I hope you get my meaning.
The day after the daughter called her mother to say I’d ‘come on to her’ as I drove her to get her train (a 45-minute car journey) which left the mother (and me) rather taken aback and not a little disturbed, the mother spoke to her again. This time the daughter was apologetic, she had over-reacted, why couldn’t she attract a man of her own age, the pressures of her life were too much for her, etc. The mother reported this to me and explained that her reaction was one of anger towards her daughter and guilt for herself – how had she brought her daughter up to be like this? She also filled me in with some of the daughter’s history.
We had a long and hard conversation, and many of the points brought out echoed and reflected on many of the issues raised in so many submissions here about ‘Western Women’. First, the daughter is 43, OK but no stunner and looks her age. A man who is in reasonable shape and looks no more than 50 (though I say so myself) is ‘out of the running? (My ‘Filipina Princess’ for all her faults at 45 had the looks and body of a woman ten years younger). Second, although the daughter has a well paid job she is not above poncing off her mother (a pensioner) every month for money. Third, to refer to our dear friend Phet, she has obviously watched the TV adverts saying ‘she’s worth it’ even if she doesn’t know what she wants. I shared these thoughts with her mother and she agreed. I didn’t share with her mother another point sometimes raised in Stick submissions, that her daughter thinks her pussy is gold-plated. I couldn’t find a polite way of saying that but if I had done, her mother may have agreed with that too. She knows how I feel.
Now to the points from e-mail responses. The main one just did not occur to me, and it should have done. I can only excuse it by saying that after thirty years as a cop I was only too happy to stop being judgemental and cynical. I put myself in a very vulnerable position by being alone in a car in a rural area for 45 minutes with the daughter – twice, once when I collected her from her train and again when I dropped her off. In view of her mental state she could have alleged anything. I just didn’t think about that but I should have done. The alternative was a long (2-hour?) rural bus ride or a £50 taxi fare. I have told the mother that I won’t be providing that service again, and why.
The second point is equally valid and is simply put. The daughter is a loser, can’t provide moral or practical support to her mother and maybe resents that I can, or that her mother can have a friend to the extent that she can’t. Old-fashioned jealousy.
And that brings us back to South-East Asian women. In my limited (compared to others) experience, jealousy is a major factor. No matter whether there are any grounds for it, however irrational it may be. One of my hopes in meeting ‘Western women’ was that they may be more rational. Fat chance, it seems.
As to the ‘where to go’ question – thanks for the suggestions. I now have three grandchildren in the UK. Tonight I was babysitting my granddaughters (3 and 1) who live ten minutes walk away. My grandson (1) lives on the other side of the UK. If I was rich enough I could live anywhere, fly back every month or so to see them and it would be fine. My dilemma now seems to be to be close to them or to go somewhere I could be happy in other ways. The experience with the daughter outlined above does not bode well for a relationship with a ‘western woman’.
To bring things completely up to date – my ‘Filipina Princess’, divorced successfully in August, calls me at least once a week (calls successfully avoided). I can only assume that she is following the standard South-East Asian woman policy of trying to keep all options open.
Thinking about the older woman's daughter, it sounds to me that she is just plain damaged goods. Single at 43 is not a situation most women want to find themselves in.