Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 355

  • Written by Dana
  • November 24th, 2012
  • 6 min read



Greetings Stickmanbangkok.com fans and Dana fans:

First of all. Stay Away From Fa. I have heard some things. Naturally, you would think that I could verify what I have heard by asking Fa, but she is a non-talker hooker so getting complete sentences out of her is difficult. Either she runs out of English words, or she runs out of interest, or she hits a mood pothole. The longest she has ever looked me in the eyes and formed words is on the two occasions when she was hitting me up for extra money for rent. Those little theatricals are practically soliloquies.

Anyway, I have heard some things. Fa is mine. Don't even think about it. If anyone is going to get stabbed by her, or a disease from her, or complete disrespect from her it is me. Try and show a little respect. And people think they want to be me. What a joke. Anyway, below is an essay called:

DANA ENTERPRISES NOTE:

As regular readers know the funeral of Rufus the office dog was held recently. He was accidentally drowned by Foomy, open casket viewing was held at the Dana Bar, his casket was carried down to the beach and then rowed out to the catapult barge, entertainments were put on to honor his memory, and then at midnight he was shot into Pattaya Bay by the catapult Big Bertha, our largest catapult.

'PULL'

Why review his death and passing? To help you remember a life worth living. Rufus knew that a male dog was put on Earth to hump. Human legs, chair legs, and female dogs of every description. He was a humper and a banger and a happy fxxxer. Climb a ladder and hold him in position and he would have a go at an elephant.

Note: I can't remember if we actually did that or not. Some of my life is now in the 'becoming a blur' category.

Anyway, now to the main event: a ninety minute video of all that happened from Rufus's unfortunate demise to his inspirational catapult into Pattaya Bay plus interviews and scrapbook pictures is available. It is being made available at no charge due to the philanthropic kindness of Mr. Stondule Heathcliff Glompus of Glasgow, Scotland and the Pi Pi Hotel on Sanglaburi reservoir in western Thailand. Mr. Glompus is a dog lover. Send your inquiries and orders for this video to Stickmanbangkok.com. Stick's under paid, under appreciated, and abused office staff is handling all fulfillment, currency, and shipping matters. Be sure and put: Attention Rufus Video in your correspondence with the wonderful people at Stickmanbangkok. com.

Why is Stickmanbangkok.com handling this instead of Dana Enterprises? We are tired of crying. It has to stop. Stick stepped in and said he would help. God bless Stick.

Pim Gally Fim Maak Loomster Drong Boolychang Fibber Khrap
Dana

P. S. — Just to squelch one rumor and mention a possible commemorative event:

1. There is no truth to the rumor that Rufus ever had sex with a French
(FTF) dog. Rufus could bark FTF and he most certainly did not mean it literally. Rufus never had sex with a French (FTF) dog. Rufus had class.

2. A groundswell of interest is building for a larger-than-life statue of Rufus to be prominently displayed in a public place in Pattaya. Some people are suggesting that the Dolphin Roundabout become the Rufus Roundabout. He could be humping a giant chair leg. Something like that. Anyway, send in your opinions and suggestions to:

Dana Enterprises
South Pattaya Road
Pattaya,
Thailand
Attn: Rufus Statue Ideas

Min has been appointed the Rufus Dept. executive secretary. Do not give to Fa on the boardwalk any Rufus statue material. As you know, there have been incidents. Also, and barely relevant; Chiang Mai Kelly has not returned the hedgehog costume he was wearing at Rufus's catapult barge party. If you spot a five foot tall hedgehog in a bar please notify us. This is now a police matter.

DREAMING IN PALI

A large, respected, well-financed language school with international reach named Rosetta Stone that sells Learn-to-Speak language courses is using print and Internet and TV ads to present the features and benefits of buying their courses. A new TV ad in the States has a happy customer saying:

"I love it when I dream in French."

Really? You now dream in French because you took these language courses? Learning a foreign language gives you the ability to dream in that language? Oh boy, I just love this stuff. The wacky world of language schools and courses. Anyway, your 'other language' abilities would be so ingrained that your unconscious self would dream in another language. Really? You've been taking learn-to-speak Thai classes now for one year. You go to class Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Your tone tutor comes over to your condo for two hours on Friday and you do next week's homework on Sunday. Can you now dream in Thai? Dream this:

"The presumption of achievement through money spent, energy expended, and good intentions is often a personal and societal chimera, not a guarantee." — IDH

Ok, how did you do dreaming that in Thai? How much did your year of Thai language and Thai tone tutoring cost? How about two years? How about three years? Can you dream in Thai now? No? Maybe you should contact the Rosetta Stone language course people. You know, kind of help them out with your personal language learning/language dreaming experience. I'm sure in the interests of ethical advertising they will be interested in your story.

And this subject can get even more strange. Look this subject up on the Internet and you will read about people dreaming in languages they have not even been exposed to. Suzy Fon du Lac of Cow-flop on Tyne, England has never heard another language in her life except English. But she dreams in West Greenland Eskimo Danish. Sure, I believe this. Naturally the comments on these websites that follow include the words spiritual and . . . you get the picture. Usually girls talking to girls. And we marry these woman? But that is another subject.

Anyway, the next time a German, or a Kiwi, or a Laplander, or an Inuit, or a Tierra Del Feugian at the Superbabies Bar in Pattaya tells me he dreams in Thai I am going to buy him a drink. No questions asked. Just straight up give him a smile and buy him a drink. I have now achieved a Zen calm on the subject of languages and language learning. A kind of Buddhist non-connectiveness with the whole subject. So if you see me some morning in Pattaya staggering up Soi 13/0 to have breakfast at the Sportsman's Club, stop me and tell me you dream in Thai after taking Thai learn-to-speak courses. Hey, and don't worry: I won't ask you to speak fluent Thai in the daytime. I know without asking that you can only perform this feat at night in your sleep. And of course, I believe you; we all believe you. Anyway, I'll treat you to breakfast and help you steal magazines.

Oh, and those Buddhists? Do you suppose they dream in Pali? How would anyone know? But hey, I believe them. What Buddhist would lie? Who would doubt a Buddhist? Not me. Really, when you think about it, the Rosetta Stone company should be using Buddhists in their ads. No credibility problems there. Anyway, maybe in a few years the whole world would be dreaming in French. One question: the French who have disdain for all other languages, do you suppose they only dream in French? In other words, they are taking Spanish classes but they are dreaming in French? Gets kind of confusing doesn't it? Languages and language learning. Ya gotta love it.