Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 353

  • Written by Dana
  • November 10th, 2012
  • 5 min read


Greetings Stickmanbangkok.com fans (Stick makes me include this) and Dana fans: the following is comprised of two Dana Enterprises Notes. An odd and rare event. Something like the incomplete rings of Neptune. Beautiful but hard to explain to others. Enjoy.

Dana Enterprises Note: Dana Quote Contest Update

Recently, in Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 352 it was reported that Fondork Blightster Bilarong of Flies-In-My-Eyes, Australia was the winner of the Dana Quote Contest. A fitting conclusion to fifteen weeks of worldwide competitive frenzy. Response has been immediate.
Examples:

1. from Picklip Snodgrass, Christ Church, New Zealand:

"Everyone knows that I was the real winner. This sucks and you suck Commander Douchebag."

2. Quimby Fotherton, Cows Udder, Ireland:

"Listen you little writer faggot, I was first in with the right answers. Why don't you get up on the stage at the Angelwitch bar in Bangkok and whack off. Homo licker."

3. Dexter Manparts, Edmonton, Canada:

"I won the contest instead of your little butt dart buddy in Oz and I can prove it. And Stickman is an asshole. You are all assholes. Next time I am in the Kingdom I'll stand outside your window so that you can look at a real man. Did I mention Stickman?"

4. Fleming Nosehair, Surin, Thailand:

"I was first in with the right answers and you give the prize to some Abo plugger in Australia? What a gaff. I'll bet you and Forndork both have pictures of Abos shoving leapin' lizards up the poop chute. Perverts. I hope you choke on your next cheeseburger. I hope you burn and twist in the fires of hell for eternity. How's this for a test question?

Question: What will happen to you if you come to Surin?
Answer: We'll roast your little writer weenie over a flaming soi dog.

5. Expat Weeping Boil Johnston, Saigon, Vietnam:

"I won your lameass little quote contest and you know it Captain Asswipe. And I don't get first prize? Know what I am doing right now? I am sitting in the sun in my apartment hammering a finish nail into my knee. The pain is excruciating, but not as painful as not receiving my rightfully earned first prize. But you don't care. Someday you might end up in Vietnam eating rancid rice balls and fermented fish heads with not enough money to fly home. You deserve it. Monster."

Ok, I think you can see that the Dana Quote Contest attracted the right sort of attention worldwide. Men bonding with men in the sweat and joy of meaningful competition. Men men men men, men men men men. Gosh, I just love men. Anyway, stay tuned for the next Dana Quote Contest. It will include Danaism, ladyboys, guns, and good uses for second hand condoms. Essays will be required. The panel of essay judges will include Union Hill, 500 baht Walt, Thai lady Boom-Boom from the Mothership car park, Chiang Mai Kelly, and Fa who will throw a dart. Don't let the white hot crucible experience of international monger competition keep you from participating. Start reading and memorizing the last ten years of my text. I think we can all agree that this is what God wants.

DANA ENTERPRISES NOTE

As regular readers know the funeral of Rufus the office dog was held recently. He was accidentally drowned by Foomy, open casket viewing was held at the Dana Bar, his casket was carried down to the beach and then rowed out to the catapult barge, entertainments were put on to honor his memory, and then at midnight he was shot into Pattaya Bay by the catapult Big Bertha, our largest catapult.

'PULL'

Why review his death and passing? To help you remember a life worth living. Rufus knew that a male dog was put on Earth to hump. Human legs, chair legs, and female dogs of every description. He was a humper and a banger and a happy fxxxer. Climb a ladder and hold him in position and he would have a go at an elephant.

Note: I can't remember if we actually did that or not. Some of my life is now in the 'becoming a blur' category.

Anyway, now to the main event: a ninety minute video of all that happened from Rufus's unfortunate demise to his inspirational catapult into Pattaya Bay plus interviews and scrapbook pictures is available. It is being made available at no charge due to the philanthropic kindness of Mr. Stondule Heathcliff Glompus of Glasgow, Scotland and the Pi Pi Hotel on Sanglaburi reservoir in western Thailand. Mr. Glompus is a dog lover. Send your inquiries and orders for this video to Stickmanbangkok.com. Stick's underpaid, underappreciated, and abused office staff is handling all fulfillment, currency, and shipping matters. Be sure and put: Attention Rufus Video in your correspondence with the wonderful people at Stickmanbangkok.com.

Why is Stickmanbangkok.com handling this instead of Dana Enterprises? We are tired of crying. It has to stop. Stick stepped in and said he would help. God bless Stick.

Pim Gally Fim Maak Loomster Kuhn Khrap Noodledick
Dana

P.S. — Just to squelch one rumor and mention a possible commemorative event:

1. There is no truth to the rumor that Rufus ever had sex with a French (FTF) dog. Rufus could bark FTF and he most certainly did not mean it literally. Rufus never had sex with a French (FTF) dog. Rufus had class. To iterate: Rufus never had sex with a French dog. There were some hot looking bitches at the Emporium but he never looked twice. Some of these dogs had perfumed asses that would make your head swim; but again, Rufus never dipped his wick. He made me proud. Once I had his coat cut with the letters FTF.

2. A groundswell of interest is building for a larger-than-life statue of Rufus to be prominently displayed in a public place in Pattaya. Some people are suggesting that the Dolphin Roundabout become the Rufus Roundabout. He could be humping a giant chair leg. Something like that. Anyway, send in your opinions and suggestions to:

Dana Enterprises
South Pattaya Road
Pattaya, Thailand
Attn: Rufus Statue Ideas

Min has been appointed the Rufus Dept. executive secretary. Do not give to Fa on the boardwalk any Rufus statue material. As you know, there have been incidents. Many many many incidents. The kinds of incidents that just make you cry. Also, and tangentially (white people talkin') relevant; Chiang Mai Kelly has not returned the hedgehog costume he was wearing at Rufus's catapult barge party. If you spot a five foot tall hedgehog in a bar please notify us. Don't tackle him. You might get something on you. Anyway, this is now a police matter..