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Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 350

  • Written by Dana
  • October 20th, 2012
  • 5 min read


Firehouse


Introductory Bits and Pieces:

"Information, that is imperfectly acquired, is generally as imperfectly retained; and a man who has carefully investigated a printed table, finds, when done, that he has only a very faint and partial idea of what he has read; and that like a figure imprinted on sand, is soon totally erased and defaced." — William Playfair

Ok, say that in Thai. Go ahead, say it: I'll believe you if I see your lips moving.

and now . . . but wait, Today's Thought:

"This just leaves what Thailand does have. Corruption and stupidity. Logic says that this is not enough to fuel and build and maintain a modern culture and lifestyle and banking system. Maybe in Thailand the rules of the accounting systems and the financial checks and balances all behave in a slightly different way. A way that doesn't demand logic. Maybe corruption and logic are enough. In Thailand." — I.D.H.

and now . . .

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 350

First, the most up-to-date Dana Quote Contest Number ???. Ok, I've lost track. I don't know what number this is. The girls in the office were supposed to keep records that would be put in the office safe every night but instead they used the note paper to make origami penises. That is my story and I am sticking to it.

"At my age the race is on. There are eight chariots with four horses apiece headed down the long 800 yard straightaway in the Coliseum of my life and I am standing in every chariot. Instead of colors or team names the chariots are known by most probable life endings:

1. Cancer
2. Aids
3. Heart Failure
4. Stroke
5. Alzheimer's
6. Accident
7. Suicide
8. Post surgical complications–pneumonia–death.

All eight chariots want to be the first over the line. I am standing in every one of the chariots. The result is the same no matter what I do and no matter which group of lunging horses crosses the line first. My death is a certainty. The only question is time. So I intend to have sex with Thai women at every attractive opportunity. Fa knows this and loves me anyway. The fact that I have no immunity to Thai females and will follow any one of them home with my tail wagging is just something about me that she has factored in."

Note: we are coming to the end of the Dana Quote Contest folks and it was an open book test. My office staff (Ming and Bonk and Lurch and Quim — Booger and Licker got fired) say that they expect to see a lot of perfect scores. Don't disappoint them guys. Bye-the-way: Licker has a sister named Quicker. Honk if you love Thai culture.

BOARDWALK FRIENDS

Sometimes it is hard to make friends on the boardwalk. Last Wednesday I ran into Storndight Godsmack on the boardwalk. S.G. (I call him S.G) is from Cowcrap-on-Tyne, England where he has a PhD. in mathematics. His specialty is Statistical Analysis and the Visual Display of Quantitative Information and Other Useless Crap. His thesis was titled: Medieval Corncribs, Rats, and Newton's Laws of Motion. His mentor saw the title and the length of the thesis and just gave him a passing grade. Less reading that way. Anyway, Mr. Brainiac has a scrawny neck, a facial tic, and a lisp. If he gets excited doing a crossword puzzle little flecks of foam appear at the corners of his mouth.

Anyway, on this day S.G. was sitting inside a U-shaped table one soi north of Soi 13/0. On the table he had files, reference books, plotting paper and plotting tools, clipboards, tape recorders, and cell phones. Investigation revealed that he had stringers working from Soi 6 to Soi 13. These fools (excuse me, interns) were interviewing farangs regarding what verbal and body language signals were most successful with boardwalk cruisers, honeys, angels, and bloody eye-brow plucking skanks.

This information, or at least the information turned in by stringers that fit the parameters of the project (white people talk) would then be scientifically filtered, plotted, and interpreted to tell farangs exactly what worked. Data science, and efficiency in service to mongerkind (oops, I mean mankind). In other words, follow S.G.'s information and you would be going through boardwalk denizens like prunes through an old lady.

I made the observation that his time might be more profitably spent by shaving his crotch to make his penis look bigger and showing a picture to the girls. I know, not necessarily a pretty picture. A thoughtful person might wonder if his penis gets little bits of white foam at the corners when it gets excited. Anyway, he turned his head and completely ignored me. If I had suddenly erupted into a pillar of fire he would not have written it down on one of his pieces of paper. Conclusion? Sometimes it is hard to make friends on the boardwalk.

Anyway, what I really want to talk about today is a Special News Note titled:

STICKMAN PARTY

Two weeks ago in an article titled Caveman Salute (Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 348) there was a hard hitting exercise in investigative journalism regarding Caveman, his motorcycle, and his lifestyle. Response has been an incoming (what else) tsunami wave of praise, wonder, conspiracy theory, yearnings from fat Thai females, motorcycle sales rep questions, vegan product wholesaler inquiries, and offers of volunteer services from psychiatrists.

Referring to the Screw The Whales, Baby Seal Steakhouse, and Death To Vegans restaurant name ideas mentioned in the article: T-shirts are now available in small, medium. large. extra large, and farang obese; as well as in pink, black, and grey colors. Imagine how proud you would be to be walking on the boardwalk wearing a pink T-shirt with black letters that said DEATH TO VEGANS. And the beauty part is that you could tell your new girlfriend anything you wanted to about what it means. Sweet Jesus on a cracker what a great country.

Anyway, shirts and shipping are free from Stickmanbangkok.com. Email Stick's underpaid, underappreciated, and overabused staff for details. Direct your order inquiries to either Crap or Dung who are handling this. They are proud Thais who will see that you get excellent customer service. Nothing beats either Crap or Dung. One T-shirt per customer until supplies last. Everything is being manufactured by Karens in Burma and we are using the same mule trains as the yaa baa trade. I'm sure you understand. Send us a photo of yourself wearing a shirt at a feminist convention, elite girl's college, or vegan convention and we may use it in our next catalogue. Fa already has her shirt. She chose Screw The Whales. She knew what the word screw meant. She wanted to know how much the whales would pay. But I almost digress.

Get one of these T-shirts and become part of the publically expressing monger tribe. Other items such as coffee cups, mud flaps, hats, and umbrellas are in the pipeline. Stay tuned.