Stickman Readers' Submissions October 5th, 2012

How You Should Or Should Not Bin Your Thai Girlfriend

I had been coming to Thailand for a while and in particular Pattaya. I had toyed with the culture and paradise beaches but came to the conclusion that shagging one's nuts off forever and ever was the one true path in life. On my next trip I would
look at renting a condo. I was due to leave in a few days and had my eyes set on a condo to rent. Before I left I went really soft for a Thai lady called Noi and asked her out. She said "No", but I did manage to eventually get her
into the sack, but other than that my advances for commitment where shunned. I promised to keep in touch and went back to my job.

While in the Middle Eastern shithole where I worked, I tirelessly got on with the admin required to move into my condo by New Year's Eve. When the contract was scanned and sent off I was proud to tell Noi my plan was bearing fruit
and I was indeed going to make Thailand my home. She informed me that yet again her flatmate had again not come up with her share of the rent and was indeed facing eviction. Now being somewhat suspicious of anything Thai and female I took
this as “How do fancy paying my rent?” To which I just played dumb to her hinting. I called her one night to see if she fancied going out when I got back to the LOS. I was gutted when her friend answered and not her.

“You boyfriend Noi”? She asked.


“You Pee Jim? Yes or No?”

“Yes” I said a bit confused.

After finally speaking with her it was confirmed I was indeed her boyfriend. It’s just no one had bothered telling me.

As soon as I touched down in Thailand we would meet up and go look at my new condo. Our relationship started to go a bit fast at this point. After a few days I met her Mum, stepdad and brother, then came her old man who watched my TV,
ate my food, drank my beer but didn’t think it necessary to acknowledge me other than to gain access to my front room.

Things came to a head when Noi got the sack for missing work to hang out with me and her roommates couldn’t be arsed to pay the rent again. I decided it would be win-win if she moved in with me. Sex on tap, a cook and maid all
rolled into one. After all it was my fault she had lost her job and I would take care of her for a short time financially then she would get a new job and everything would be fine. This is the bit when everyone says, “Jim, if you believe
that, you’re a spaz”.

She basically got really involved with the national pastime of sleeping and watching TV. Her intentions of getting a job soon went out the window. I mean why not when you had muggings giving her money and she could sit on her skinny arse
all day eating som tam. I also had the pleasure of many surprise family visits which ended in me having to pay for days out and footing the bill at local restaurants. Then on their departure demands for a few thousand baht. On one
occasion I came back from being 2 months apart. I had one day alone with my Mrs. and was informed her brother would be visiting for the day with his girlfriend. Ordinarily this would be fine except:

1. My TGF was due off her period that day.

2. I hadn’t had sex for 2 months.

3. The one day afternoon visit turned in to me hosting them for 4 days in my 1 bedroom condo.

5. I was of course expected to pay for everything for the duration.
he question must be asked….were you born without balls?Stick>

On the day of his supposed planned departure my TGF informed me her brother would be staying for one more day as he wanted me to take him paint balling. This is when I lost it for the first time.

When I returned to work I had had enough. I wanted rid of the sponging twats. Unfortunately I still felt too guilty to bin her while she was jobless and homeless.

Then an opportunity arose. I found her on one of her friend’s list on Facebook. I requested her, she refused. I knew then she was cheating and Facebook was her tool. I set up a fake profile of a good looking guy and alas, I was
accepted. She had 10 friends, 9 of whom were men – and all farang. I tried the password she had given me to make her Skype account on Facebook. Denied. I checked her email in the info section. It was one I had never seen. I tried her Skype
password again and it was a match. Tens of emails to some Norwegian guy declaring her love and promising to allow him to f@#$ her in her arse and much more. I printed off the evidence.

Now I wanted to bin her there and then. I thought you "cheeky cow"! Mostly what I couldn't get over was how a simpleton who thought after a meal if I piled up the dirty plates I was trapping dead spirits, had actually got
one over me! My main problem was she was in my condo and I was in the sandpit. I felt I couldn’t do it without her going ting tong and destroying my flat like I had heard so many disgruntled ex TGF do. However I am also acutely aware
that when crossed I am indeed a vindictive bastard and need my revenge.

I immediately used her email to change her password on her Facebook. She loved herself and when not watching TV watched the mirror and would stare at a puddle of piss if it got her some face time. First I attacked her vanity by changing
her profile pic to a fat Asian woman. And then fired across a few insults to her best friend to insure she got a phone call informing her something was amiss. Being a computer mongo my Mrs. didn’t know what to do or think. But she was
angry. I talked with her on Skype and let her know I would track down the “bad man and beat him up for her”. I decided I would torture her with worry until I got back. I would let slip bitts of info about her Norwegian lover
and blame it on the “bad man” informing me by email. I would let her worry then tell her I didn’t believe him. Then do it all again. I even asked her what colour car she wanted me to buy her when I got home so I could
build her up only to make her lose maximum face at a later date. The last thing I did before getting the flight to Thailand was to change her profile picture again. This time to that of a ladyboy with a massive dick. I did this mainly because
when she dyed her hair blond and a tourist had asked if she was in fact a ladyboy.

I arrived 2 days earlier then she expected and I was looking forward to kicking her out and hoping to catch her in the act. I had already planned a night out with my Kiwi mate Mark. I just needed to bin the som tam monster!

I opened the door to my condo and it stunk of cigarettes (after I asked her to smoke outside). The place was a tip with food wrappers, ash, bedding and clothes everywhere. Her best mate was asleep topless on my sofa. My soon to be ex
was sleeping upright with her netbook on her lap. I decide to stay calm, because if I finish her now I would have to clean this shit up myself. So I told her firmly I was not impressed and to step it up a gear and get cleaning! So after the
initial surprise of my early arrival she started cleaning. Meanwhile I grabbed all my important docs, tickets and passport plus her keys and locked them in my safe. As soon as she and her mate went to clean the bathroom I microwaved her phone
I had bought. I then went out to my balcony and called Mark to confirm our drinking rendezvous. I decide the next hour was best spent getting pissed ready for my night out so nipped down to the building's shop and bought a couple of small
bottles of vodka as they’re out of the big ones. I walked back into my condo and noted the som tam monster was making progress and looked pleased with her hard work.

She then declares “Bad man make her ladyboy on Facebook and can see cock”.

I had a little chuckle and sat down with her netbook (that I also bought) and drank my vodka on the balcony. This is where I uninstalled all her programs making her netbook an expensive paperweight. I’m now drunk and wishing she
would just hurry up and finish her chores so I can fire her and go out and get a shag. She then comes up to me confused and indicating her phone smells and does not work. I explain this with “Karma”. She then showed a look of
annoyance as she walked over to where I was sitting but then clocks her emails and Facebook print offs that I had given up hiding because I was too pissed. The reaction was priceless. Most western chicks that have been caught out would usually
be humble and apologetic. Not my bint! Without missing a beat 2 vodka bottles are thrown at my head in quick succession followed by a combo Tyson would be proud of. Her finishing move is the traditional cat’s claws to the face. After
restraining it and calming it down just slightly enough to speak, it yells “for what? You want me go? Take my tings? I go, I go now, take my tings. Then weirdly pauses."

To this day I honestly believe she was expecting me to say “No, please don’t go.” Instead I firmly advised her to get the f@#$ out my condo. At this point her friend started wailing. Then off they both trotted. I
had a great night out and decided girlfriends are crap and got laid.

It didn’t end there. A few days later I put her up for a couple of nights as she was effectively homeless until her Mum got back to Bangkok. On the last day I was rewarded with her using her teeth to try to take a chunk out of
my chest and a couple of head shots because I was singing what she wrongly assumed was some sort of insult. This was just more taking the piss. So I gave her a bollocking that would of made Zeus shit his pants and winged her out. She pleaded
for me to take her back and promised she had finished with the Norwegian making the well-known declaration of “I love you too mutt”.

What she didn’t know was I had installed a keyboard logger on my laptop and had her new FB account password from when she had been sneaking on without my permission.

On return to the Middle East I set up a clone FB account of her Norwegian man went into hers, blocked his real one and accepted my fake. At one point when I was pretending to be him, she explained she had finished with the real me because
she loved him. I couldn’t take this bullshit so I changed his profile picture to a pic of her with me. Then logged off knowing she would now be infinitely confused.

That was the end of my revenge games. Mostly because I was no longer angry, but because I don't fancy my own murder suicide or 2 bullets in the back of my head from a motorcycle taxi which I think she would be capable of due to an
argument we had one night when she was drunk. I had stopped the taxi a good 800 metres before my building to give her time to calm down and avoid waking up the neighbors. As we were walking up our soi she clocked some police lights from an
accident. She immediately ripped and tore her dress exposing her breasts. I obviously thought “Blimey, better say anything to get out of this or I’m going to have to bribe my way out of a police cell”. Of course the next
day the whole incident was blamed on alcohol and my attitude. I was lucky she was gracious enough to forgive me (well that’s how she saw it).

Lessons learnt would be revenge is immature but fun. But it’s a pain in the arse to have to watch your back when you’re not pissed off anymore. She used to call me at all hours using different phones but I ignored her for
the most part. I got some abuse once when I broke that rule and replied by text to let her know I didn’t want to talk or see her. The abuse I got was funny. Just a random of swear words thrown badly together. I could picture her with
her halfwit friends and family pooling together all the collective swear words they knew then proudly pressing send (not knowing on receipt I would be doubled over with laughter). I’m back home to the LOS soon and have had a new SIM
card for 18 months now.

I love being single in Thailand, all the happiest guys are.

Stickman's thoughts:

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Amusing. While seeking revenge can be tempting, with Thai women one has to be careful because they are quite good at exploiting vulnerabilities….

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