You Might Be A Buffalo
In the vein of the American comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s stand up routine called “You Might Be a Redneck” I’m working on a routine geared towards foreigners living here called “You might be a buffalo”. I’ve
also got it almost down in the Thai language too, so I can give the routine to a Thai audience as well.
It goes sorta like this:
* If, your Thai partner’s mother is closer to your age than your partner is; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you’ve EVER said, “Yeah, but she’s different”, to anyone about your Thai g/f; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you have children from a previous marriage older than your Thai partner; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you’ve ever told another foreigner “we” bought some land or “we” built a house here; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you give your Thai partner or her mother a “monthly salary”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you tell people your Thai partner doesn’t work because she’s “too busy taking care of you”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If you bought a pick-up truck but your Thai partner can’t drive; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you have half-thai children and you push the baby carriage when you go out; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If you tell people you don’t learn Thai because your Thai partner speaks engrish good; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If you paid for English classes for your Thai partner but she quit because it “wasn’t fun”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, when you introduce your Thai partner, you open with; “I didn’t meet her in a bar”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you wear any type of Thai “good luck” charm or gold; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you have your own named tattooed in Thai on yourself; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you’re afraid to take off the “mop string” tied on your wrist by a monk; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you’ve ever referred to yourself or another white person as a “falang” with that lazy r/l switch Thais use; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you think wearin’ a Chang beer singlet, cargo shorts and sandals are dress clothes; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, when you go to the mall, the first thing you go look at is the Food Court; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you refer to the dog-n-pony show up-country party as a “wedding”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you think putting ice in beer is okay; “you might be buffalo”.
* If, you think the term พุงพลุ้ย is a compliment (but you pronounce it as PumPui); “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you use the words “open/close” when talkin’ about turning something on or off; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you communicate with your Thai partner in “baby talk engrish” like “we go” or “you want”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you’ve ever told another foreigner, “You don’t understand Thai culture”; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you paid sin-sot for a “second hand” Thai partner; as in one who has children from a previous relationship; “you might be a “buffalo”.
* If, you paid sin-sot which wasn’t returned to you immediately after the ceremony; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If, you paid sin-sot for a Thai who didn’t finish 6th grade; “you might be a buffalo”.
* If you married a dark skinned, flat nosed, splayed toed, dumb rice farmer’s daughter from Nakhon Nowhere, well, I’ve got no words to describe you..
* If, you say you can’t learn Thai because; you’re not good with languages, you’re too old, you can’t hear the tones, or you don’t have the time; you’re most definitely a “buffalo”.
As you can see many of these are in somewhat poor taste, and poke fun at the “mindless foreign wanna-b-thai sock-puppets” I see wandering around here every day with their dark, overweight, gold encrusted “thai-in-tow” waddling along.
I am truly sorry if you fall into any of the above categories because sadly (for you), you might be a “buffalo”. Hey don’t feel too bad. I doubt you can speak or understand more than a couple Thai words at the best of times. At least that way, you’re spared finding out what the Thais really think about you and the “young enough to be your daughter” Thai significant other you walk hand in hand with.
Please don’t get me wrong, I like Thai women. I’m just not attracted to dumb dark hillbillies no matter what country they come from. I’ve also met more than my fair share of older Thai guys, and NOT ONE of them has a Thai wife half his age. Now, to be fair, more than a few have a mia-noi or two on the side, however I don’t see them parading around smilin’ like the cat that ate the canary hand-in-hand with ‘em.
Still, at the end of the day, as long as you believe you’re happy, who am I to piss in your iced Chang beer? If you buy into the pile ‘o crap being spoon fed you by your Thai significant other or her extended family, I mean, man, more power to you. Just don’t look to me for validation, EVER…
While Thais use the term “buffalo” to be derogatory, in all my travels, I’ve seen some pretty darned smart buffaloes up-country. Patiently waiting by the gate in the morning to go work in the rice field, walking sedately being led by their nose by their owners comin’ back in the afternoon, meandering here and there when they weren’t working.
Oh, sorry I forgot; was I talking about foreigners married to Thais or water buffaloes?
There are A LOT of buffaloes out there!