Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 347

  • Written by Dana
  • September 29th, 2012
  • 6 min read


Firehouse


Dedicated to the famous Chinese philosopher: GO FUK YU. An Asian I first spotted in Ni Tsan landscapes in the 70's at the University of Michigan. He always had something to say and it was always pertinent to the situation.

INTRODUCTION

I was waiting for Pattaya Gary in the Superbabies Bar of Whacking — oops, I mean Walking Street when the guy next to me volunteers that he has some fantastic pick-up lines for moving things along with the Thai ladies. I give him some eye contact and a half smile. Mistake. Big Whacking Mistake. Then he starts in. Oh Christ, he is serious. He is now going to entertain/lecture me. Halfway through his second fabulous pick-up line idea I give some money to the waitress and leave.

The next night as an experiment I wrote these words on a 5"x8" note card:

"The theory of functions of two complex variables, a natural extension of complex analysis, required thinking about space of two complex dimensions–but each complex dimension boils down to two real ones, so like it or not you are looking at a four-dimensional space."
(Taming the Infinite by Ian Stewart)

Then I started cruising the boardwalk around 7 p. m. between Soi 13/0 and Soi 10. Soon I spied a brown skinned angel with the wide feet and splayed toes of the Isaan wonder. I went up to her, smiled, and pulled out my note card with the mathematical quote on it. When I was through reading, she smiled, took my hand, and we went to the A. A. Hotel.

You don't need pick-up lines in Thailand. Only a newbie would think so. When your lips stop moving they put their hand in their hand. The rest is nature. Bliss. Paradise. Oh, and Pattaya Gary who expected me to be waiting for him at the Superbabies Bar? Don't worry about him. He probably picked up #58 and believe me–he didn't need a pick-up line. Oh, and for those of you who think it might be kind of fun to be with Pattaya Gary; let me just give you this warning. This guy is so handsome that standing next to him you will just disappear. Vaporize. Become a gas.

Just sayin' is all. I like corresponding with Gary on the Internet but standing next to him is just flat embarrassing. His chin is more manly than my whole body. Sixty years old and he has a 32" waist. He's got an eight-pack for abs and a body fat percentage of about 2%. This is a guy that is easy to hate. But I like him. Go figure. Anyway, that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is:

THE FIVE D'S

If you stumble across a science book and if you actually read it (long odds) you will read that the six essential elements of life are carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, phosphorus, and sulphur. Not true. There are twelve essential elements of life. The other six are:

1. Grinding continual self-pity.
2. Dreams of violence.
3. Crazy person anger.
4. Happiness at other's misfortune.
5. Irrational ideas in service to pointless goals.
6. Pride to no purpose.

Lists are important. They serve as reminders, warning signs, and helpful instructives. Reminds me of the list of the five D's that should be given to all expats arriving for the first time in Thailand. The five D's describe for the expat their future in the Kingdom. They are:

1. Delight
2. Delusion
3. Despair
4. Depression
5. Death

The five D's: every expats future. There is a sixth D accessible to few. That is Danaism. More about that later. Anyway, for most homo sapiens who have decided to stumble down the expat road the five D's are their future. Now I want to talk about:

PERFORMANCE DATA

I think we can all agree that it is sometimes hard to get the respect we deserve. Take mongering for example. A lot of people (all white skinned foreign women) assume that all mongers are the same. Identical stripes on every zebra in the herd. Au contraire my little crepe suzette (FTF): there are differences, specialties, etc. Myself? I gather performance data on new systems from the field. It's a mission-critical specialty. I know that may look and sound like Army talk, but not in this case. Just look at the words again and think about the words again and apply them to your typical Pattaya boardwalk scene. I think you will see what I mean.

So don't make the mistake of treating all mongers the same. It's a big complicated world with lots of specialty and sub-specialty monger stuff going on. Easy example? The hopeless jerk you see on the boardwalk who does not have an iceberg's chance in Hell of getting a woman to pay attention to him. Then later he passes you on the way to the A. A. Hotel with a hotter woman than the one you've got. He must know something. He must have some kind of mojo and know how to work it. No doubt a sub-specialty of mongerism. Thailand. Place of mystery. Place of different stripes on all of the zebras. I'm gathering information as fast as I can.

and now . . .

Remember the potential 6th D? Danaism? Here is a mention of it in an essay titled:

THRASHING ABOUT OVER NOTHING

I'll be leaving soon. Back to the Torndule galaxy. I came with gifts to see what humans could do. The first gift was Shrodinger's cat and all humans could come up with was dualism. Additionally, they couldn't explain the downward spiral of more and more subatomic particles. They couldn't explain dark matter or gravity or neutrinos or the accelerating expansion of the universe or dark energy.

What have they come up with? Quantum mechanics and string theory and the Higgs Boson (what a joke). Birthday children shouting out guesses about where the magicians coin went to. First they get PhD's and then they act like fools. In the Torndule galaxy we vaporize these nuts to keep them from breeding. What else have humans come up with? Article arguments on who knows more about publishing. Childish expostulations on who has less ego and who has too much ego. Life forms and beating hearts thrashing about over nothing. I had to force myself to stop the spasmodic laughing when I first came here because it robbed me of too much energy.

Those on Earth who have accepted Danaism will wait for the call and then meet me on the beach in Pattaya. Thousands of time travelers brought in on photons ready to hold my hand and hear the sound of my voice as we wade into the sea back to a place before emotion, before self, before mortality, before evolution (another human hoot), and before time. Lives without ignorance, days without surprise. The unalloyed joy of complete knowledge. Every particle of the Pattaya beach, a beach often described as inferior, will become a talisman of hope and future and chests nearly bursting from hearts full of love. Every photonic traveler will arrive at the Torndule galaxy with sand in their pockets. Danaism. Wait for the call. And make sure your pants have pockets.

Well, that is it for this week Dana fans. An Introduction, Go Fuk Yu note, and three little essays. Who loves you baby? Dana does. Throw in a book review. a movie mention, and some pics and you'd wonder if the wonderful days of Bernard Trink were coming back. Just sayin'.