Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 344

  • Written by Dana
  • September 8th, 2012
  • 8 min read


Hello Stickmanbangkok. com fans and Dana fans: I need some feedback. I am thinking about publishing a big expensive coffee table sized book all about Fa. It would be big and heavy and all the pages with pictures of Fa would be detachable for easy framing. Heavy page stock, Singapore or Japanese quality color printing, probably around 200 pages. Some observational and anecdotal and interview text, but mostly just fabulous pictures of Fa on the boardwalk doing makeup, or sitting on a bench, or trolling for customers. Let me know if you would be interested in buying a book like this. Cost would probably be around $150. First printing would be 1,000 books and for a premium they could be made available in most languages except French (FTF), Chinese, Japanese, Ufxxkistan, eastern European countries, South Korean, and Russian. I think you can understand that there some things that I do not want to encourage. Let me know by emailing me. Do not mention this to Fa on the boardwalk. That will just cause big headaches.

Thanks Dana

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 344

and now this week's Dana Quote Contest #13. . .

"The best examples of these people are the legions of young overseas politically correct adventuring white women with bras made of hemp, and shoes made of goat's cheese, and backpacks woven from menstrual rags of famous feminist writers."

Remember, the first one in with the correct source by email wins the prize. It is a competitive event. The prizes were cash prizes and I put Fa in charge of getting the prizes to the winners. There were incidents. Putting Fa near cash is like putting a shark near a guppy. My mistake. I am sorry. Should be all fixed now. I have an Isaan intern handling this now and she is as honest as the day.

and the bonus quote:

"We laid a towel over his dick so that the bucket handle wouldn't cut and then started betting on how many of those solid glass ash trays he could hold up. The trannies found this guy fascinating because after about ten years of hormone shots most of them could not hold up a paper cup full of cotton balls on their little doggie dicks. I don't want to say this guy was big; but if you asked this Scottish dairy farmer to count to four he would paw the rug four times with his hoof. Anyway, one thing led to another and . . ."

INTRODUCTION

When the white males of Scotland, England, Germany, Spain, Portugal, and France (FTF) stumbled across Africa in the 19th century they found an Eden choked with game. Shoot a bullet and you hit something. Hence:

"I stalked a flock of flamingo and with one solid bullet from my Manlicher killed 7." — from Kenya Diary (1902-1906) by Colonel R. Meinertzhagen C. B. E., D. S. O.

No wonder men often prefer acts of violence to acts of love. You can often get bigger numbers. Patroling the boardwalk from 9-11 a. m. and from 4-6 p. m. I am only looking for one lover. Someone to take me out of myself. One is never a big number and wouldn't have been respected by the white-skinned polluters of Africa of the 19th century. They would have brought stealth and elephant guns to the boardwalk trying to shoot 7 girls at once. Then gutted them, stuffed them, shipped them, and mounted them on the walls of their ancestral castles and mansions and homes in England and Germany and Scotland and . . . these men were not interested in sex, they were interested in violence. We are different. I am interested in one lady, and I want to fall in love. But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today is condoms and writing and honor. Enjoy more from the Bits and Pieces Dept.

But first another Fa note: last week she told me she wanted to get out of the 'happy girl' business and get a regular job. I suggested she apply at the ice cream store on Walking Street. She applied and was told how much they would pay her to be a 'good Thai lady'. Today she was back on the boardwalk.

ON CONDOMS

Christ. Why am I the lone voice? Isn't anyone else out there outraged and depressed at what human beings have done to each other, or outraged and depressed at what has happened to human beings? It's fine to line up and march in lock step down the politically correct pharmacological/medical/paranoid road but do you have to smile and whistle and grin and sing and pontificate while you are doing it? Isn't anybody pissed, or disappointed to abstraction, or depressed to ideations of suicide over the fact that your sex lives have been taken from you? Sex with a condom is sex with a condom, it is not sex. It is not the sex act. It is not part of the equation that was intended for you when you came out of the womb.

Are you really all so evolved that you accept with equanimity such horrendous primal and dignity losses? Or is sex really not that important to you? Remember, I am talking about sex, not 'sex with a condom'. When logic finally cruises into the final cul-de-sac and you all have to put big huge giant condoms over your whole body starting with pulling it down over your head, will there be no sad noises or dignity bruised dissenters? Will I be the last one to know the difference between sex and sex with a condom? Will it say: HE DID NOT USE A CONDOM on my tombstone. A place of veneration and hatred for hundreds of years to come?

Why so much education and energy and hormones poured into other much more trivial points-of-view in life but not a single dissenting or unhappy or depressed or heartfelt rage or rant on the subject of your only sex life in your only life on Earth being taken from and handed back to you in a condom? Big manly men everywhere with big manly flames and posts and name-calling on Internet chat sites but not one of you screaming with despair over your lost sex lives. You guys are easy. Marriage material. Good luck curtain shopping.

INSANE CLOWN POSSE

Insane Clown Posse filling the house, a fistful of Iggy Pop CD's to keep the party going, Gustave Klimt underpants, a picture of the nineteen year old Alma Schindler posing with bearskin, 1899, for muse, gold sprayed feathers in my hair, and enough hydrocodone to start writing for Stick. But a problem . . .

The Stickmeister threw a literary rock through my mind when he reminded me that I have not written a trip report in a long while. Nope, stopped doing those years and years ago. I call that 'I did this and then I did that' writing. Easy to do tediously and difficult to do compellingly. Trip reports streaked with fiction-faction can engage, but that is not really what he is hinting at. Sorry Stick, not going to happen. Try a newbie.

He also wants to know (without coming out and saying it) if I can submit another story about one of my relationships with a Thai lady that started well but did not finish well. He likes these 'social history of Thai-farang relationships in the Kingdom stories'. I call those 'she done me wrong' stories. You know the formula:

I met a girl named Wan . . .
She took my money, and she stole my heart.
I still miss her,
But the love is gone.

or in it's more pitiful angry truncated version:

I met a girl named Wan,
The love is gone.

No Stick, I've stopped writing those accounts also. Interestingly, you never see these stories and these formats as straight fiction. I wonder if exploring this format from a fiction point-of-view has merit. Maybe. But not now. Sorry Stick, you are going to have to send these submission ideas to someone else. In the meantime . . .

Note: wait a minute, while I have the Stickmeister on my brain, I'm not saying he ever said this, I'm not saying that; but if he did tell me ten years ago that I would be paid $100 per submission how much does he owe me now? Just thinking is all, and I am not saying he ever said that; but if he did say that . . .

and now:

A PERSON OF HONOR

Me: Hi John
John: Hi Dana
Me: John are you still telling people you can speak Thai?
John: Yes.
Me: I can't speak Thai so I'll just have to believe you because in addition to being more linguistically gifted than I am you are also a person of honor, correct?
John: Christ Dana, what is it?
Me: Say this in Thai:

"Suppose the money we pay in any one year for the expense of the Navy were in guineas and were laid down upon a large table in a straight line, and touching each other, and those paid next year were laid down in another straight line, and the same continued for a number of years: these lines would be of different lengths, as there were fewer or more guineas; and they would make a shape, the dimensions of which would agree exactly with the amount of the sums; and the value of a guinea would be represented by the part of space which it covered."
— Playfair (The Commercial and Political Atlas–1st. ed.)

John: I'm not even going to try and say that in Thai.
Me: Why not?
John: Too fxxxing hard and an unfair test.
Me: Ok, give me in English a three word sentence you can say in Thai.
John: "Shove off asswipe."

Well, there you have it Stickmanbangkokites and Dana fans: this weeks musings from Dana Central that included some notes on Fa, some notes on Stick, and four stories. See you around the boardwalk. Oh, and be careful if your air-con goes out. I am sitting with my feet in a bucket of cold water with a desk fan blowing at me. I'm scared to death about touching the fan. Just sayin'.