Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 340

  • Written by Dana
  • August 11th, 2012
  • 6 min read


Special note: Dana Enterprises headquartered in the birdman's bar on South Pattaya Road is about to notify the world that a 99 year lease has been signed with the government of Thailand and the municipality of Pattaya on land at the maritime park. Building permits have already been approved for a sixty story skyscraper of black marble and reflective glass to house the international headquarters of the Dana Fan Club and other Dana organizations. The frieze quote of ten foot quartzite letters over the front entryway will say:

NOT MERELY THE WORLD OF THE LITERARY TECHNICAL VIRTUOSO BUT ALSO THE RARIFIED AIREY OF LINGUISTIC BRILLIANCE. HE LEAVES BEHIND HIM FOOTPRINTS OF A GOD

An 80,000 word fact dense description of this building will follow next month complete with the ability to virtual tour online, photos, sketches, architect testimony, planning anecdotes, design contests entered, etc. Stay tuned. The party on opening day promises to be fun. The Thai government has agreed to suspend all laws on that day and at that location. Ice cream on rice and trannies on you will be free. And now . . . one more thing: I am giving some thought to interviewing Stickmanbangkok.com Reader's Submission contributors and asking them for their thoughts on this. Not sure yet. There is a lot of unresolved anger and jealousy out there. Let me know what you think. And yes, I know you are all thinking it: Fa will be there. A special booth has been built for her.

and now . . .

Dana Quote Contest Number Nine

"Incense burning the evocative and aromatic smell of soi dog turds plus a pitcher full of gin-and-tonics with unwashed crystal glasses scattered about . . . "

and the bonus quote:

"The rest of the evening and the meal was superb. I fell in love with all four of the waitresses and I got to reflect on the beautiful weather. It is not always hot and humid in Thailand. Some evenings the weather is so perfect it almost anesthetizes you. Tropical perfume in a far away land that distracts you with postcard perfection."

and now . . .

THAI THOUGHTS AND ANECDOTES — PART 340

DANA NEWS UPDATE
Attn: Dana fans

The office of Dana Enterprises is moving. The current address is:

Dana Enterprises
Rajah Building–first floor
Soi 4 (off Sukhumvit)
Bangkok, Thailand

or as Booger Jones of Cowcrap-on-Tyne: England, addresses letters to us:

Dana Enterprises
Rajah Building–first floor
Soi 4 (off Sukhumvit)
Bangkok, Thailand
Southeast Asia
Planet Earth
Solar System
Milky Way Galaxy
Universe
Philosophy of Danaism

Nine rejected applications to the Dana Fan Club and he keeps writing. God bless him. Under the category Hobbies and Interests he always lists:

1. Taking pictures of Thai ladies' shoes.
2. Hanging out near high end Thai ladies' shoe stores.
3. Walking around with a pair of Thai ladie's high heels in his underpants.

Not necessarily a deal breaker for acceptance into the Dana Fan Club, but still you can imagine his conversational contributions might be limited. Applications like these get special attention. Anyway, we are moving to:

Dana Enterprises
c/o The Birdman's Bar
South Pattaya Road
Pattaya, Thailand

Yes, we are inheriting the birds so if you are on South Pattaya Road and you see the sidewalk birdcages: that's us. Just pop in and say hello. Our new location will be more convenient to many friends and newbies and others vacationing in Pattaya. I know people vacation in Bangkok but I just do not know why. It's ok as a pit stop coming and going from Pattaya but that is it in my opinion. So, this move makes a lot of sense. The exact moving date will be on this website so stay tuned. On that day you can come by the Rajah building in Bangkok and help us load the vans. Office furniture, computers, etc. and of course boxes and boxes of pictures of me riding a horse wearing only a speedo (me, not the horse). About twenty girls will be helping with this move if you like to make friends. They will all have small brown arms and hands, flashing 50,000 watt smiles, and splayed toes on wide feet. None of them will speak a word of English or Swiss or Aussie and you won't care.

Or you can wait for us to arrive in Pattaya at The Birdman's Bar. Try and wait on the sidewalk, you never know when Korski is going to be coming down South Pattaya Road pedaling against the traffic with his bicycle and little red wagon. The next day after we move in will be a party day to celebrate the move completed. Free balloons, free food, and free drinks. I'm paying for everything. Yes, I know that this is nuts, but it is what people expect of me. And everyone is invited. We welcome all with open arms and big non-judgmental smiles. Well, everyone is invited except for the Indians, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, all males wearing cricket or rugby or soccer shirts, all white women, all men who think a paradox is two piers in a harbor, Chinese, African Blacks, Japanese, all male Thais, all Asian males, Eastern Europeans, Arabs, Russians, Russians who say they are not Russian (I'm from Ufuckistan), obese white men, Germans wearing sandals and socks, all men with beard stubble, and of course the French (FTF). Small exceptions. Like I said, we welcome all. Chiang Mai Kelly, and 500baht Walt, and Pattaya Gary will be in charge of the door. We are not leaving our standards behind just because we are leaving Krung Thep. So be there or be square.

A free drink to anyone who can quote Frank Zappa. Well, ok: the drinks are free anyway but you get the drift. Hipsters rule. Anyway, scheduled entertainment will be a fashion show of Thai ladies wearing cartoon character underpants and cartoon character T-shirts. The second show will be Thai ladies screaming and yelling and throwing their arms around like demented windmills and pouting and crying and kicking their feet as if they are playing the lead in their favorite Thai soap opera. At the end of the second show all of the birds will be released. God knows they have seen enough. New birds will be coming in as soon as we have the cages sandblasted, acid dipped, and worked on with pneumatic chisels. Standards. You will find out that the Pattaya office of Dana Enterprises is all about standards.

Hey, and let's be fair to the birds. What would your cage look like if you had been hanging out on South Pattaya Road for five years? Enough said. At any rate, remember:

"Pox simpum domlik tooley core blinky."

Which reminds me, Marc Holt from Oz may be at the party. Translators will be available.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. — Yes, Fa will be there. She will be selling T-shirts with my picture on the front and her picture on the back. I will be riding a horse on the front of the shirt, and she will be leaning over and picking something up on the back of the shirt. I suggested that in the spirit of the party we could give the shirts away for free. The expression on her face could have cracked a rock. Fa does not give away anything for free. Once, while crossing Beach Road with her on the way to the A.A. Hotel, I mentioned that I didn't have any money but I could pay her the next day. She did a 180 degree turn mid-stride and went back to the boardwalk. In the next ten minutes she was smiling at a guy in a track suit with a gold chain around his neck. Anyway, don't talk to her. Fa is mine.