Lonely Married

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First, I want to apologize to all of you if my English is very bad and you might get confused. English is not my primary language and I am still learning. I want to say thanks to Stickman for allowing me to pour my feeling in here (I hope you can accept
my story and if you want to make correction of my English, it’s fine with me too).

I met my husband in Jakarta one day in McDonald's fast food restaurant after I was just out from work and was waiting for the bus to take me home. I went in to the restaurant to buy something and I saw him there sipping his coffee
and he was sitting with an acquaintance of mine. We were introduced then. He seemed completely perfect. He was shy, affectionate, made me feel pretty and wanted.

He was visiting Indonesia on a tourist visa. He said he was single. After I knew him for about 3 months he asked me for marriage. I was happy and excited but at the same time wasn't sure if he truly was single or not since he was
already 49 years old when I met him and I was 31. But he had proved it by getting a letter from his embassy that he had never been married before.

We were married with a very small wedding reception and spent about 50 dollars on food for all the guess in a western restaurant which is only my main family and my husband himself. Even though I was very happy and felt I'm a very
lucky woman on earth, I can't even believed that finally I am married since my first man in life who gave me 2 beautiful daughter before him was a very bad man who forced me into marriage because my family was too embarrassed since I
was already pregnant by that men (pregnant by rape, but I might tell the story later in another submission).

After the wedding my husband took me in to our honeymoon hotel with is just across the street from the restaurant where reception was held. When we walked to the hotel I can't describe my feeling at that moment. It was like I was
in heaven, so very happy. My body was trembling and I felt I did not trample my feet on earth. I was flying. My heart was beating so fast and I pinched my arm just to make sure I was not dreaming. I can't believed I married my dream man.

With fully exciting in mind, we walk in to our honeymoon room and I am so surprised and full of confusion when my husband open the room door and take my hand inside and saw there two twin beds in that bedroom instead of king or queen
bed for our honeymoon. Still with full confusion in my mind my husband suddenly said, OK my love, "This is my bed and that is your bed, (pointing at both beds) now, give me good night kiss and now you can go to your bed (pointing at one
of the twin bed there)". That night went without any of intimacy, nor hot kiss. My husband only want me to give him a small kiss on his check and wants nothing else. He said he was tired. We slept in our own bed. My heart was melted down,
my dream of hot romantic honeymoon is only a dream. I tried to draw my husband's attention that night but he hushed me and told me to go to sleep and don't interrupt him anymore because he said he is too tired. I just don't
get it because I think, no matter how tired you are, we are on our honeymoon night, the first night on our wedding plus we are so mad in love and there is no excuse to not have sex in our first night unless he is sick but he wasn't sick
that night.

After a few weeks, I learned more about my husband that he was not interested in any sex with me no matter how I tried to arouse him. Many times he made excuses that he is too tired, the weather was to hot, he's too stressed when
I'm trying to be intimate with him.

First, I tried to understand him and think maybe he is really so stressed out in my country that's why he can't do his duty. He stayed about 9 more months in my country after our wedding. We had sex a couple of times here and
there during the 9 months he stayed in Indonesia after the wedding, but it was not because he wanted it, but it's because I am the one who begged him.

And when we did have sex, I can see and feel that he did not enjoy it. There was no passion coming from him and if I started to give him a real hot hug then he would start backing off. He was just cold and would not give himself over
to me. I could see his face was in a tortured condition and he just wanted it to be over soon. Still, I am thinking positive that he must be really stressed out in Indonesia and that would be over soon anyway since he's planning to apply
for a visa for me to go to USA to be with him.

3 months after my husband back to US, I got my visa and happily joint my husband again.

With 3 months of separation because of the visa application process, I landed in USA with so much hope for our future together. He picked me up at the airport and we went straight back to his apartment. Again, that night, my first night
in USA, and my first time to see him after 3 months apart, there was no intimacy, no kissing, no touching, nothing. I was very sad because I expected so much to give each other after so long a separation and thinking well, now he is not in
Indonesia anymore, what other excuses is he going to tell me now to not enjoy each other?

The problem continued for years and years. My husband seems not interested in me sexually at all. We slept in the same bedroom the first couple of years but not in the same bed. He bought 2 mattress and made them separate. He made sure
that I don't touch his body while sleeping, hug or kiss him. Sometimes in the early morning or in the middle of the night, I woke up, I have the urge to kiss him, touch him, hug him and just want to cuddle up with him or just want to
sniff his breath or his body odor to show him that I love him and want him so very much, but that will make him upset and can lead to a big problem. He told me, if I want to touch him, I have to get his permission.

For somehow he’s is so afraid of physical contact with me. Sometimes while he's watching TV or laying down in bed, I came to him and just want to sit next to him and to cuddle with, he will suddenly make himself busy with
something and got up from bed or the chair just to be away from me. If I accidently touch his body, let's say accidently touch his arm, then all his body will be taut, face pale and all his body suddenly get cold sweat. I can feel and
see that he was very uncomfortable by my touch.

After years and years of feeling rejected and unwanted from my husband, I came to the conclusion that I must be really ugly, stinky or fat and that's why my husband never wanted me. I feel so depressed and felt alone. I had asked
many people what they think of me – am I really fat, ugly or stinky, and the answer is always NO.

One day in our day off and in my depressed mode, after he rejected me again for the thousandth time, I went to Walgreens and bought perfume and sprayed it all over my body and hoped maybe he will need me then. With tears in eye, I came
to him and told him that I am not stinky anymore (because I thought he always reject me because I might really have bad body odor). I told him, my love, please, please take me in your arms. I just need to be cuddle, I am so craving of your
love. He broke down and told me he's sorry, he said it's not my fault, he loves me and it's not because I am stinky, fat, or ugly, it just because he is just too tired all the time and promised that times will change. Now, after
10 years of marriage, nothing has changed, he still never wants me.

We never had that lying in bed together late on weekends feeling, no rolling around with hugs and kisses, no affection at all. This man totally was like an ironing board. Why was he acting like this? He kept on telling me he loved me
but he did not behave like it.

When I asked him what the real problem was and why he did not want me, or anything I can do to help him turn him on, or maybe we can seek a doctor, his answer is always “Oh nothing is wrong. I don't want doctor, I'm fine,
I'm just tired, I have headache, I'm stressed out, I have back pain, that’s all excused I got from him."

It was starting to become quite obvious that my husband actually never loved me at all. I do not think he ever did. So why the hell did he marry me? What was his game?

I put up with this unloving relationship for too long. Everything I did was for him. He was not interested in doing anything for me.

Oh my gosh, I am so lonely. Sometimes I feel like I am dying. I don't like being in the same situation for years and years and for the rest of my life. There is no spiritual connection between us, no physical connection, no smiles,
no hugs, no kisses, no touching, no sex. Oh gosh, if this is a happy marriage my husband called then I will become a NUN.

I had been thinking so deep lately about my marriage again, and I came to the point that I can't take this any longer. I had given just about anything to be loved, respected, wanted.

I had tried so many times in our 10 years of marriage to believe in his promises of change and making life better but as time went on and nothing changed it got harder to believe it would even happen. Many years of promises and every
last one of them broken made it very hard to believe in him.

Sometimes I felt that I needed to suffer and thinking no matter what was going on with my marriage I still had to live with myself, believe in myself. Tempted many times, yes, but never once did I so much as kiss, hold or even hug another
human being. It would have been pointless since there was only one man I wanted to touch, hold and be with and that man was my husband.

From the first years of our marriage he didn't bother to touch me or sleep next to me, hug me or even kiss me. I never once had the ability to share intimate details with him simply because there were none to share. At times I was
so alone, so lonely with so many opportunities but at the end of the day I was still a married women.

I might ask did he talk to me when I was lonely, sad or just needing a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. Did he lay with me at night and hold me close to let me know I was needed and wanted. Did he spend time with me, eat with
me? The answer to all these questions is NO. Because now he slept in another bedroom.

I will not give up my life to be wasted, to be lonely, to be unwanted. I don’t have it in me to take the easy way out. I deserve to be happy, I have tried begging, reasoning, ignoring but nothing works.

I was not demanding sex, all I wanted was some love and affection. I am not asking him to give me sex every day, every week nor every month, or even once in 1 year. No, the man I married did not give me what I wanted for years. He did
not have a clue how to give me some loving. He kept on telling me he loved me but I did not believe him as his actions were just wrong. His body language was not right.

Here I am asking you, my reader, what should I do? Should I divorce him or what? It's been countless times I had talking to him and telling him about what I feel, and suggest that we may need to seek help out there, but his answer
is no. Nothing is wrong with him he had said. He is just totally tired. But for 10 years? What’s wrong with him? Can everything be fixed?

Honestly, I can’t take it any longer. I wake up every morning alone in my bed, go to sleep every night alone. Deal with most of the daily issues, spend my free time alone, and in general spend most of my time feeling alone. All
I want is for someone to want me. I have spent our entire marriage begging him to love me, want me, kiss me, hug me, cuddle me but nothing I got.

Loneliness feeling is not a fun way to feel – for anyone whether it is a husband or a wife. It can be hard to experience these feelings, especially when I believe marriage is about never being lonely again. I feel we are more like a housemates
then husband and wife. It totally kills you inside slowly, it takes all your confidence away. You come to the conclusion and believe that you must be a very bad human being alive and that's why you are unwanted.

Really, I'm so tired of being alone, and it breaks my heart because everyday the little bit of hope I have managed to savor decreases and everyday the realization that I will probably spend the rest of my life alone gets closer.

Now my question is: Should I divorce my cold husband? I am tired of being alone after 10 years of marriage and want more? I don't want him to think oh yeah, now you are want to divorce me because you got your citizenship already,
no, I am not that kind a type women. I marry him with good faith, I just can’t tolerate any longer this rejection, unwanted, unloved feeling.

One thing I do not fully understand is that my husband really loves me? Does not seem to like anything that is love so why does he marry me then? I know he is not gay, he likes girls, I can proved it from history website he’s open
on our computer, but why then he didn't want me and marry me in the first place.

Please reader, . . Give me any answer you can think of to ease my pain. Any comment will be very appreciated.