Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 337

  • Written by Dana
  • July 21st, 2012
  • 7 min read


Dana note: I am seeking investors to help me register, run, and defend the domain name: StayAwayFromFa.com. I tried to get GoDaddy.com to help me with this and they said they did not do business with people who wave at trannies. So I am going to need some help with this. I mentioned this GoDaddy problem to Fa and she wanted to know how much Daddy would pay her for 'short time no anal'. So as you can see it is already a bumpy road here in Danaville. All correspondence on this issue is of course confidential. Ownership percentages will be zero. It's all about me. You knew that.

Contact:

Dana Enterprises
South Road
Pattaya, Thailand.
Attn: Bitchin' cool URL Dept.

P.S. Do not leave any correspondence or money with Fa on the boardwalk. You might as well just throw it out the window. There have been some incidents. Sweet Jesus on a cracker what an idiot.

and now for Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 337. Enjoy.

Greetings and salutations Stickmanbangkok.com aficionados and Dana Fan Club wannabees. I am temporarily in Boston where the last couple of days it has been 95 – 99 degrees. And humid. Reminds me of Thailand, except for the women. You couldn't get a smile out of a woman here if you attached a joke book to a howitzer shell and shot it up her ass. Oh well.

Today the next installment of the Dana Quote Contest (DQC6), and then a hard hitting, precedent setting essay called Ass Itch. I'm sending Ass Itch in to the 2013 Nobel prize committee in the category of Dana Writing and the Humanities. I don't think the principal female character's name of Poontang Humpalot will have any effect on the essay being considered for the year 2013's top prize for Literature and Peace. Great writing is like that. Anyway, wish me luck.

Dana Quote Contest 6

Remember: all procedures, policies, paperwork, and prizes will go through Dana Enterprises. Do not contact Stickman. He's too busy making bank runs, doing deals. and entertaining powerful people. I'm the one who loves you. It's always been me. No prizes awarded to members of the Dana Fan Club. They have an unfair advantage. And no, we have already received this question; you can not sleep with me to win the prize. The earliest email with the correct answer is the winner. Bye-the-way, this is a competitive event. I have already received some complaining from losers. Try and act like men. And now the quote:

"Thailand has 96 national parks, and 100 wildlife sanctuaries, and 65 forest parks. I have never been to one of them and it is popular on Thai-farang websites for expats and tourists to say that they will never visit these natural oases that make up 13 percent of the country as long as the Kingdom practices double pricing. This ethical stand pales a little next to the fact that we are losing an opportunity to get to know Thailand, or to look into a kaleidoscope time machine and witness a little of what Siam was all about. Just an opinion."

and now the main event:

ASS ITCH

"It will be evident that the engine driver and guards having such time table with them will be enabled to regulate the speeds of the different trains with great exactness, and in cases where special trains are required the diagonal lines of their speed can at once be determined and ruled on the table, so as to enable the engine drivers to avoid all preceding trains which they may have to pass; for by the table the engineers will not only know the speed at which they are to move, but they will ascertain at sight positions where all preceding trains ought to be at any moment of time." — Charles Ybry

Ok, say this in Thai. Speak to a Thai with such fluency that he/she can do three things: hear you and save the aural information, process (comprehend) what he/she heard, repeat it back to you without error. That is cross language fluency. Oh, go ahead; remember, you said you could speak Thai.

Seem too tough? Does this seem unfair? Ok, you give me three examples that are fair of your ability to speak Thai:

1. Me want rice.
2. Your nipples hard.
3. Planes land Bhumi.

You can't speak Thai. However, I am nothing if not accomodating to your complaint. So let me present you with a simpler fluency test. To wit:

"The issues of timetable design are at the heart of envisioning data–large arrays of fussily annotated numbers, thick information densities, type and image together, and multivariate techniques for narrating what is a four or five variable story." — Christian Barman

Ok, now you've got me? You say that is not a fair example test because the word 'fussily' is not easily translated into Thai? You shouldn't have to be a translator, only a linguistic transcriber with the proper tones to speak Thai fluently? Incorrect. Fluency does involve translation skills from one bundle of language concepts to another bundle of language concepts. That is your job as a communicator. You can't speak Thai. Three examples? You want to give me three more examples of things you can say fluently in Thai? Ok:

1. Where is toilet seat?
2. Ass itch.
3. Where is toilet paper?

You can't speak Thai. But it doesn't matter. Your girlfriend, Poontang Humpalot, is genuinely glad to see you. Her 50,000 watt smile reflects the fact that you are going to make her so happy. Later, when describing to her friends your attempts at fluency she and her friends will laugh so hard they will almost lose control of their bladders. They will gasp and wheeze and snort, get rib pain, go temporarily blind and lose the ability to breath as they imitate your attempts at speaking Thai. You can't speak Thai.

But it doesn't matter.

Wait a minute: you are waving your arms like a customer trying to catch soap bubbles at a shower show. You want another chance? Challenge you with something difficult and you'll try harder? You weren't really trying before? Ok, say this in Thai:

"Specifically, we show that variation in male secondary sexual character with two conspicuous extremes and the corresponding variance in female mating preference around no preference may jointly evolve into bimodel distributions with increasing modal divergence of male and female traits, pulling a population apart into two prezygotically isolated populations." — M. Higashi, G. Takioto, and N. Yamamura

That example is not fair? Why not? You said to challenge you; that you were not really trying before. It's not a fair example because nobody knows what the word 'prezygotically' means? Ok, I give the floor to you. Give me three examples of something complex that you can say in the Thai language with 100% comprehension by the Thais:

1. Those are my mother's underpants that you found under the bed.
2. I don't need to take Viagra for myself, it's a research project.
3. It takes big heavy balls to play Snooker.

Well, I'm breathless. Those are more complex sentences than 'Ass itch.' Congratulations. One can only wonder how many times you might need these sentences while resident in the Kingdom but still, they are complex communications. Two are somewhat stunning declarative sentences, and the third example sentence involves a comma. But remember, language fluency is not just repeating like a metronome set sentences that you have learned like:

"Where is the bathroom?"

Language fluency is tested by you being able to translate from your native language into the Thai language speech or text you have never seen or heard or used before. Example: deliver this to me in Thai. I know that your native language is Eskimo-West Greenland Danish but remember, you told me that you could speak Thai.

"In any case, whether the consciousness of activity is due to sensations and images of movements alone, or whether the outgoing part of the impulse and its preparatory organization help to make up consciousness, there is no doubt about the importance of incipient and imaginal movement in experience." — Principles of Literary Criticism by I.A.Richards

Can't do it? Of course you can not do it. You can not speak Thai. But it is ok. And lying about it as a talisman of hipness is ok too. You are a simpleton and a fool but I forgive you. I like you. You're a fun guy. You can't speak Thai and you can't stop lying about it but it does not matter. Oops, I see your girlfriend Poontang Humpalot coming and she has a 50,000 watt smile just for you. She knows you are going to try to speak Thai and it is going to make her very very happy. You are a lucky guy.