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18 Months In Asia (Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time) Part 5


Back to LOS. (did not tell Goff). I did want to see her but she was too much of a distraction, and obviously I had no idea of what fate awaited her.

Get a tour guide with extras and go north, I needed to see the River Kwai (not its real name as you probably know) and pay my respects to a family member who died there.

Tour guides for a month, 50% cheaper than a months house rental in London. Bargain! and you get to shag them or not, (up to you).

Kim a Bangkok girl from tinternet (Peter Kay) funny guy. She had a web site, good feedback and had emailed some extra photos.

She knew when I was arriving and was going to wait for me at the hotel bar. I like to get a taxi on my own, I enjoy running the gauntlet and winding up a driver or two. I also like to help the odd Brit who is totally lost and jet lagged and share my wisdom. (LOL).

Arrived at my hotel and their was a couple of girls at the bar, but didn't see Kim.

Went to reception and checked in. the bell hop came along to get me cases and I ambled of to the bar, laptop in hand, where was Kim???

Sat down failed to get a Wifi connection and one of the girls I had seen earlier sat down next to me. I said, I was sorry I was waiting for someone, she said *I know, I'm Kim* I replied *no your not* she giggled and said *yes I am, my name is Kim and your name is J* well funny enough I was pleased about this because for me she looked better than the girl (whoever she was) in the photos she had emailed me a week ago. She dressed well not to sexy but sexy enough. With very good English!

She said, sorry but I never use photos of myself (Thai alert, dive, dive, dive). Anyway we went up to my room and went thro the itinerary for the next 4 weeks which she had no problem with.

Then I f****d up and gave her 25% of her fee and went for a bath, I do miss a decent bath when I'm travelling.

She came into the bathroom and told me she wanted to go home and get a case ready, as were leaving for the river kwai in the morning. I said no problem and carried on with my bubbles.

Five minutes later my brain began to function again, I let her leave with 10, 000 baht, what a twat, she was gone.

I was pissed of and told myself in no uncertain terms what I thought of myself, fool, w****r, tosser, absolute idiot!

The first thing is that she was nice, good looking, mid twenties, black slightly curly hair, nice legs, not skinny, size 10 again! at least a 36 bust and great arse. twat, twat, twat, gutted absolutely gutted.

I was hungry and went around the corner for some Thai food, which I had missed.

I wanted to leave in the morning and continue my quest for enlightenment, now I was buggered and needed to find another guide.

I kept looking at my phone and kept having Goff's number come up, shall I, shan't I, shall I, shan't I.

Then I heard Kim, *J, J, J why you go, I thought you wait in room* I was so relieved, I told her I thought she had gone and wouldn't be back.

She told me she would never do that to a client, this was her job, she had a website and she would get bad feedback and aggravation if she blew a punter out Good point but my brain was on Thai alert, like a reflex, I was apologetic, fed her and got some f**k me heels and some stockings and all was forgiven and forgotten. (for 24 hours anyway)

Went back to the hotel, went to bed, I went to heaven, then went to sleep.

She was a bit agitated (to put it mildly) very early in the morning, you dangerous, you danger man she kept saying. I was still half asleep and had no idea what she was on about, she was walking around the bed, back and forth like a caged panther.

Kim sat on the bed, fixed me with her eyes and said *you dangerous, condom not good, break, you come in me, dangerous man* I had no idea that had happened. I protested my innocence. We had sex, she put on the condom with her mouth for Christ sake, I came, rolled over and went to sleep, another day in paradise.

She was really pissed off. Ok, Ok, Ok, we will go and get tested, she agreed and off we went later that day to Bumrungrad ( stalag lufte as I like to call it). not the cheapest, but needs must. She seemed happier and we also had ant-body and ant-gen for the hell of it. Like a full English breakfast really.

We had to wait for 24 hours and that was a bit awkward, she seemed to be worried, but my brain was back in sync now and if she was making this much fuss she must be clean. She obviously thought I wasn't, cheeky bitch.

We went to a bar and she gave me a spanking at pool several times. Anyway Fulham and Chelsea won, for a change.

Results day, all clear, Kim was now a happy bunny, praise the King. I knew a guy nearby, he had class A fake watches and I had promised a friend that I would get him a Breitling watch and Kim was happy to come along. (There's a shock).

Kim had her eye on every piece the guy had, as they do, she was particularly missile locked on a Gucci fake and very tasty it was too. 4, 000 baht, it bloody needed to be tasty.

I sensed a window off opportunity, I told her if she agreed to condom fee sex and could get the price down to 2, 000 she could have it. She promised to think about bare back and got the watch for 2, 000, top bird!

Kim was happy now, which was important for our month away and believe me, you do not want a Thai girl with you for a month and she is not happy.

That evening everything was packed in our small cases, the cab organized so we went to eat and hit the bar.

Back to the room shower and dress up time. I spent 4 iPod songs working on her. Fingers, mouth, tongue, hands and thumb. In my mind that constituted 12 to 15 minutes of effort to get her in he mood. I hoped I could slip it in uncloaked. So far so good, then she suddenly stopped, shit! she whispered in my ear * you out when come not inside, outside, I not want baby problem or you pay big money, no come inside* no problem Kim trust me I'm a builder. (LOL).

She wasn't and did not get pregnant.

The plan was to head north and stop in Chiang Ma, across to Vientiane, up to Hanoi then down to Ho Chi Minh via Da Nang across to Phanom Penh and back in Bangkok in 4 weeks. (best laid plans of mice and Kim).

Planes, trains and automobiles, two scooters and a dislocated shoulder. (bring it on).

The great thing with travelling with a Thai women was that we got no aggro at all from anyone, girls or ladyboys. they kept their distance.

When we crossed borders Kim was great, when we got away from the border areas and airports, she could not understand a f***ing word they said. (best made plans of mice and Kim).

Kim was a nice girl, her English was very good and to her credit she refrained from talking too much Klingon when we were out with other people. (most of them don't do that). I had tried over the years to polish up my Thai, but had enough problems with my native tongue, I could not get the tone fluctuation at all. I don't believe that it bothers Thais too much as long as you make the effort. Over the years I must have spent at least 12 months in Thailand and still have absolutely no idea what they are saying.

The one thing I enjoy very much in Asia is shopping in the markets and small roadside stores. Eating at roadside vendors and I have the constitution of an ox, thankfully. I always freak out at the multitude of rats scurrying about, but, the locals are happy to eat there, why shouldn't I. (had all my jabs).

We had visited most of the places I wanted to see and some of the paces I didn't want to see. But I had enjoyed my elephant rides, fishing, rafting, horse riding and various other energy sapping excursions. All the countries we visited were interesting the people overall were very nice to be around. I also like to go native insofar as the odd cabin etc, as long as it had a toilet shower and ac unit.

That's not native, you may say, well that is as native as I get in 90 degrees Fahrenheit and 90% humidity. (on a good day).

Kim was up for anything in bed or out, the white water rafting and moped gymnastics spring to mind.

White water rafting is something I enjoy immensely, Kim was up for it, for about 5 minutes as you will soon discover. We had got the train down to Da Nang and found a couple of mopeds to hire. (oops). (seemed like a good idea at the time).

We went on a fully certified and insured (LOL) white water and bungee jumping trip. We drove quite a distance to get there in a reasonably comfortable bus. Kim and myself, a few Aussies an American, French honeymooners and an insane Kiwi and his two Vietnamese wives, yes two wives (bollocks), he told me they were sisters (more bollocks). They were a trio of nutters, and so so so funny.

Kim was getting a bit pissed as I kept looking at the Vietnamese girls.

I explained to Kim I was looking at cheech and Chong because they were funny, not because I wanted to shag them. They were nattering, nagging and bitching at each other and Phil the Kiwi was zoned out (stoned) oblivious to the antics, his alleged wives were up too.

(why do most girls do that crazy jealous thing). I don't get it at all. (face) maybe, who knows.

The idea was to raft downstream with the team??? arrive at a bridge for the bungee jumping and lunch after that (obviously). the bus would then take us back, we had a plan!

Myself and Kim where the last to get on the raft and she looked very apprehensive. I asked her if she was OK yes she said, are you sure? *yes I am sure* my feelings were that she was still unsure about the Vietnamese wife-lets.

There were 4 staff with us and we all had helmets and life vests and were positioned and ready for the off.

We were given a safety talk, I turned to Kim and she had her eyes closed, I told her if she wanted she could get off and get the bus and meet us at the bridge, she said no.

We were off and for 10 minutes there was no white water and then things were beginning to get a bit bumpy, Kim still had her eyes closed so I put one arm around her.

We were now beginning the good bit, rapids, vortex pools and very large boulders and reverse currents which went on for another 15 minutes. We arrived at some calm water and Kim loosened her grip on the ropes stood up and jumped in the water.

The river still had a rapid flow and she was travelling far quicker than the raft, we all looked at each other and I stood up contemplating going in after her when one of the guides jumped in.

He got to her very fast and very impressive it was too. They threw some rope with a buoyancy aid (bay watch style) but Kim would not come anywhere near the boat, she wanted out.

I never understood her logic, it is far safer in the raft than it was in the water but she was adamant, so the guide took her to the bank.

Phil said I should of gone in after her. I explained that she was a far better swimmer than me as she had proved in pools at the hotels we stayed in. I then explained my relationship with Kim and the fully inclusive deal we had, Phil shrugged and said *f**K her then* he them laughed and said *but you do f**k her don't ya* and laughed some more. (why do stoned people laugh so much at their own jokes?).

We arrived at the bridge and Kim sat in the bus and refused to get out. *f**k her then* said Phil.

We had lunch together in the bus, I asked but she never explained why she jumped off the raft and into the water?

I was still happy to be with Kim and she was a little sweetie, always fun even if she was a bit odd, on occasions. She never sulked or got moody even after some of our misadventures.

We were in the bar that night with Phil and cheech and Chong and we all got totally wankered.

In the morning we finalized our plan and set off for the Ho Chi Minh trail and some tunnel ratting fun and games, and then to Phnom Penh. (I think)

We decided to hire some scooters (seemed like a good idea at the time). Kim was a natural and loved every minute of our riding around, She did have experience of riding in Bangkok until she got wiped out by another scooter.

She had bought herself some jeans at my insistence, and would wear them whilst we were riding, along with our crash hats.

She had dislocated her shoulder and was fortunate to land on soil and not concrete and she had travel insurance. The medical facilities were remarkably good.

She was so good and didn't blame anyone, apart from the knob who crashed into her.

All in all a wonderful trip with some wonderful sights and meeting some good people.

Kim still works as a guide with extras! in Bangkok. A TOP BIRD.

We kept in touch for a while and after some time finally, she told me why she jumped off the raft.

In pure Thai logic she deduced that if she jumped I would follow and help her out of the water, therefore separating me from cheech and Chong. (madness, but you gotta love em for it).


The Philippines next.

To be continued.