Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 334

  • Written by Dana
  • June 30th, 2012
  • 6 min read



Hello Stickmanites and Dana Fans:

First, some Dana fan business. In Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 332 a story named Unfinished Reverie asked 'you' the reader to provide the ending. A reader who goes by the moniker 'thethaiprofessor' sent in the following. I like it because it has an ending that I probably would not have thought of. So read it and see how much fun it is to participate as a reader/writer. By-the-way, this guy 'thethaiprofessor' wanted to meet me. Silly. Then he wanted me to invest in a braiding business on Khao San Road. Even sillier. Then he wanted to meet Fa. It never ends. Once you return email some of these guys it's like a shitstorm. That's why my most finely honed computer skill is blocking. I can hit the right keys in the dark during a hurricane while people are throwing durians at me. I've blocked more guys than a bar mamasan in an Indian neighborhood. Anyway, have fun with this ending.

". . . Sweet Jesus on a crutch, I see Fa. Beautiful Fa. Fa who has ripped my heart out and strewn it in a thousand pieces along the dark dank sois that splinter off Beach Road. I forget about the four guys. I forget about the two bikes. I forget about the long kitchen knives. I have thoughts only for Fa. Fa the Magnificent. I take my finger off the trigger of the sawed off shot gun, forget the limp and walk, no, run! to Fa. I am running to Fa. The bad guys see me flee, and run after me. I am running to Fa and they are running after me. Fa starts to run. She is running to me. I am running to her. The four bad guys are running after me, and to Fa. There is a confabulation of running. I reach Fa and open my mouth to jam a tongue that feels a foot long down her throat. She sidesteps me neatly and I go crashing into a pile of used Sprite cans. Fa is now facing the four bad guys. They leap upon her with a roar as she pulls out a ladies derringer and quietly pops all four of them neatly in the forehead. She turns to me as I lay there panting among the Sprite cans, kneels down, unzips me, and as she is moving her sweet mouth down to me, and breathes soft warm breaths on my exposed manhood she looks up to me and quietly murmurs:

"Now you finish."
______________

Would I make any changes? Yeah, maybe. I might have had Fa pull out two ladies derringers with two bullets per gun. A more dramatic visual. But it is a little thing. I like this.

And now for a story titled:

SOMEDAY WE WILL OWN IT

One of the xenophobically inspired reasons given by Thais for not allowing foreigners to own property in Thailand is that they (the foreigners) might BUY PARTS OF THAILAND.

Lots of foreigners, lots of money–little Thailand, little money. The foreigners may end up owning everything. All the land, all the businesses. Many foreigners have already made inroads: the Chinese own the banks, Indians people almost control tailoring and are branching out into real estate, many of the Hi-So women listen to rich foreigners, creative financing and legal dodges combined with lenient leasing arrangements already place industries and companies in foreign hands, and some non-Thais have figured out how to buy (and sell) condos and other forms of property. The Thais sit on their hands and shuffle their feet in the dust hoping the government will protect them. Fat chance. They worry about the future. Hence one of the reasons it is almost impossible to get a Thai passport if you are a non-Thai.

A xenophobic snake is a snake and to be respected, but still; xenophobia tends to blind one to logic, and to reason, and to good government, and the strategy behaviors that make a success of the future. Not so the foreigners. Foreigners are smart and Thais know it. They have farang directed fun at our expense but they sleep less well if we are in the house. We are smart and they know it. Hence the juvenilia of misdirected hostility. Nobody has done anything to them and so why are they so hostile? They are nervous, that's why. Beware the nervous animal.

There are so many politically correct things we could say regarding this social-political situation but why don't we just say what is on our minds and what is in our hearts? Children act this way–why can't we act this way? To wit: it would be GREAT to own Thailand. Naturally, I'll be in charge and naturally we will change the name from Thailand to Danaland. You knew that.
Some changes . . .

1. No Immigration lines or Immigration officers at Suwannaphum. All they do is terrorize you and be rude to you. Instead, the entire terminal building will be converted into one giant gogo bar. One hundred live bands, five hundred bartenders, ten thousand Go-Go girls, and fifty thousand freelancers. There's a party going on–welcome to Danaland.

2. Next, all incoming non-Thais will report to the H.H. Dept. — Handguns Handout. Every arriving foreigner over the age of thirty will receive one handgun and one thousand bullets. Run out of bullets? Just ask for more. This is Danaland. We understand your needs. You ordered a banana pancake and they brought you fish eye soup? You know what to do.

3. Currency Exchange Window
You don't have to do this anymore at the airport. There is no currency exchange in Danaland. Just tell them how much Thai baht you want (up to 100,000 baht) and they just give it to you. It is free. And if they shortchange you on free money . . . you know what to do. Remember, you were issued a thousand bullets and more can be had on demand. Don't ration your emotions. Let the Thais know how you feel. It is all about international relations.

4. Taxi Line

The taxi line is history. Taxies will be lined up in over-abundance 24/7, no meter and no charge, and all taxies will have prominently displayed customer service signs that say:

"If I Displease You In Any Way, Wait Until I Take You To Your Destination, Then Shoot Me."

5. Arrival at the Mothership

No front desk check-in procedures of any kind. You will be met at the door with a key, a wei, and a whore. I might also be there just hanging around. We'll shake hands and have our picture taken. No charge. Of course the hotel is free. This is Danaland.

Well, guys–you are now in the Kingdom. What other changes would you like to see as Thailand becomes Danaland? Just send in your ideas to Dana Enterprises c/o Buying Thailand Project and I will have my people get in touch with your people for a power lunch and a power point presentation. It would be GREAT to own Thailand.

Sincerely yours,
Dana

P.S. — Bad news for some of you. When we finally own the Kingdom and Siam has finally reached it's final incarnation as Danaland and I am in charge: I am going to get rid of all the white skinned Hi-So wannabes. No more skin whitening products will be sold. Back to basics. Essan products only. You'll all thank me. If the skin is not the same color as belt leather and if the feet are not shaped like canoe paddles then those girls will be shipped to China. Once again, you'll thank me.