Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 330

  • Written by Dana
  • June 2nd, 2012
  • 4 min read



Greetings and Sa Wa Dii Khraps to all Hansum Mans:

Dana here to announce that today we have an Introduction that talks about myself and goalsetting, followed by a rigorously researched academically formatted little essay on possible Thai foreigner names. Enjoy. Or don't. What do I care? I am going to be meeting Fa in another twenty minutes and I will be with her for an hour after that. I don't care if the whole world catches fire. I'll be with Fa. So enjoy. Or don't . . . ok, I did that. My mind is on Fa. I gave her 200 baht yesterday to buy those white jeans I like. I hope she is wearing them.

INTRODUCTION

Recently, I won the lottery here in Massachusetts in the United States and so I had to go to Braintree to pick up my check and be part of a lottery winners TV show event:

Lottery Official: Well, Dana; now that you have won $142,000,000 U.S. dollars what are you going to do with the money?

Me: I am going to go to Thailand and drill whores like a wildcatter on yaa baa drilling for oil.

Lottery Official: Anything else?

Me: Yes, I am going to bang wholesale like a hammer at a nail convention. At the end of the first six weeks my private parts will be held together with duct tape.

Lottery Official: Is that all you are going to do with your winnings? Just whores?

Me: No, I've got a four part plan–whores, prostitutes, skanks, and cruisers.

Lottery Official: No bleeding eyebrow pluckers, spitters, hanging nose booger women, deranged talkers, or crazy arm wavers?

Me: Don't be silly. This is a serious four part plan and represents the rest of my life on Earth. I have enough money now to only spend time with quality people and engage in dignified behavior. It's all about setting standards, focusing on dreams, and building a personal legacy one whore at a time.

Lottery Official: Well said, just one question: What is (are) the differences between whores and prostitutes and skanks and cruisers?

Me: The differences between whores and prostitutes and skanks and cruisers are . . . oops, sorry: all out of time. That's not really what I want to talk about today anyway–what I really want to talk about today is:

PICASSO AND THAILAND

P.S. Last night I got another late night call from Dean Barrett: Thai-farang genre novelist, Black Russian devotee, and wonderful website author. He said his foot was stuck in a waste basket and could I come over and help him? Another cry for help. Sad. So so sad. Question. Is this how all Thai-farang genre writers are going to end up? Am I someday going to call Union Hill and ask him to come over to the Mothership and help me because my foot is stuck in a waste basket? Right there. The temple. Just put the gun right there at my temple. Shoot me. But I almost digress:

PICASSO AND THAILAND

For years I have been having fun with the length of Thai names. Names like Ratharawarin Pichaironnarongsongkhran, and Napakapapa Sirivacharabhakdi, and Sruangsuda Sutithamrongsavat, etc. I think I saw Rathsudakhemarapawarin once but it is hard to be sure. It could have been just a seizure. Sometimes Thai names are a little like Russian names in an English translation novel. You just kind of zone out and skip over them. Then there are Thai male names like Somchai Snitwongse Na Ayudhaya, or Jesadaporn Supornsaharungsi, or Rattaphumi Pattanapongpanich, or Apichatpong Rattanajerungporn, or Phutanet Srirattanawutthi. Ok, don't quiz me on this. I could be wrong about all of this but then who would know? Could this Thai name thing get any more challenging? Yes it can. Recently I stumbled across this whopper:

Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso

Yup, you read that correctly. That is Pablo Picasso's name. You know, the painter guy. My feeling on this is that by the time he knew how to speak and read and write his name correctly they should have just graduated him out of school. Enough is enough. He had funny drawings to make.

But here is the historically really interesting part. Between Pablo's Blue Period and his One-Eyed Ladies Period he spent some time in the Kingdom. That's right art history mavens Picasso was in Thailand and he liked to spend time with pretty girls. So there is the possibility that there are some Picasso-Thai Lady offspring that share both his name and a Thai name.

I'd like to be in a classroom when little Thai children have to learn to speak, and write, and spell their names. Believe me I would be there out of respect. I do not know how they do it. And can you imagine if a Thai child was the offspring of a Catholic Spanish father and a Thai mother? That child might have a name like:

Pablo Diego Apichatpong José Francisco Phutanhet de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Jesadaporn María de los Remedios Cipriano Snitwongse Na Ayudhaya de la Santísima Pattanapongpanich Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.

Or something. You know what I think? Just leave the little boy or the little girl alone. There are human limits. That would be my farang contribution to Thailand if I became the Prime Minister. Identify these Picasso offspring as soon as they enter the education system, and then just leave them alone. No wonder so many Thais have three and four letter nicknames (Yai or Dam or Pong or Ding). I used to think it was kind of juvenile, now I understand completely. I guess in the above case his friends would just call him Pab. Works for me.