Readers' Submissions

Thailand or Legoland – Which Path for You?

  • Written by Anonymous
  • May 14th, 2012
  • 9 min read


The bargirls. It's a fascinating subject. We are all buying into the same product, essentially sharing the same experience. Yet every single person has a different take on things.

Take the issue of money. People say the Thai girls always ask for money. But in my experience, I have found this not to be the case. The Thai girls don't ask for money – they NEVER ask for money. Not the smart ones anyway. What they do is mention situations where money is the obvious solution.

They are clever. Males tend to offer solutions to situations rather than just listen – and Thai women know this. They give us enough rope. And we take that rope. Before long, we're wearing that rope like a scarf and they are preparing to kick the stool away.

Although I find cultural differences interesting, Thailand is also a great place to learn things about yourself.

It's funny really, back in my backpacking days, my quest to "find myself" proved quite fruitless. Despite all the so-called "moments" like sitting at the Mushroom Bar in Koh Phangan on full moon night, it never quite happened. That was me at 25.

Now at 40 I'm a Pattaya man and I've learned one or two interesting things. Here's one – when I was younger, I always used to look at people like Brad Pitt and think – "Why is he with just one woman? If I looked like him, I'd have a different girl every night!"

But when I come to Pattaya, I always stay with the same girl. And why would anyone do that? In Pattaya, you ARE Brad Pitt! You CAN have a different girl every night. Your good looks, charisma and style is carried around in your pocket.

The girls here in Pattaya find your 1,000 baht note much more attractive than anyone's movie star looks. If Brad Pitt came here with no money, he would get no honey. Brad could be sat at the Pattaya Beergarden next to a big, fat, tattooed slob of a tourist, and if Mr. Pitt isn't producing the hard cash, then only one of them is getting laid. And it ain't Tyler Durden.

People say Pattaya is full of losers. Good – I LIKE losers! They have the best stories, and have nothing to prove.

Have you ever spent time with winners? Boy do they suck! "I see, so you drive a flash new motor, and own a big house full of expensive paintings. You have "gold" gym membership, a maturing hedge fund, and absolutely no stories." Give me losers any day.

Losers don't care about the latest hairstyles. Losers will sit at the bar with you, and tell you in great detail about being scammed for all their money. If that's not entertainment I don't know what is. Give me an ice cold beer, a bar full of beautiful girls and some good scam stories and I'm happy.

The great thing about discovering Pattaya is that I'm suddenly young again. At 40, I am just a pup in Pattaya! Back in Farangland, I'm a geriatric.

It's like when a footballer retires at 35 (the standard age). Once he reaches 35, he is called a "veteran" player. Past it. An old-timer. The pensioner of the team. Then he becomes a football manager, and he is called "young" again! "This young manager has a terrific future ahead of him!"

And that's Pattaya. It's like your second go at being young. Who wouldn't love that? That's why I come here every 2 months and don't socialise anywhere else. Here, I get to hang out with bargirls who were born in the nineties! BORN IN THE NINETIES! I've still got food in my FRIDGE from the nineties!

On my previous submission, Stickman asked me why I always stay with the same girl. Am I anti-butterfly? Perhaps I am crazy in love with Jeab? No. Ill tell you why. The truth is much, much, more depressing than that.

I stay with the same girl every time because I hate having to hooker-proof my room. Hooker-proofing your room is undoubtedly the most tragic thing you can do in Thailand. But you have to do it. Get those valuables under lock and key. You can't even leave a ring on the side. Hide your trousers every night, no matter how pissed you are – I hate going through all that shit. I travel with my laptop, and I like to see it again come the morning. So I'm with a girl that I can trust.

The trust didn't happen overnight. It took time. Ever done the thieving test? I reckon a lot of men have.

My test was on trip number 4. Jeab stayed the week with me as usual, and I left 10,000 baht in the bathroom for the whole duration. The money remained untouched. Test passed.

This is nothing to celebrate though is it? Let's be honest here. Finding a girl who won't nick all your stuff is hardly Romeo and Juliet. My goodness, what a life! Growing up, if someone had told me – "When you reach 40, the key asset you look for in a partner is she wont steal all your belongings", I'd have probably thrown myself off London Bridge.

And when I say "Trust", I use the term very loosely. What I mean is that I can take the bike to 7 Eleven and leave her in the room alone without worrying.

But trust her with other men? She's a bargirl. A very lovely girl, but still a bargirl. Enjoy the girl's company, but always remember that they are like self-employed tradesmen. They are tradesmen who always carry their toolbox everywhere they go. So they are always available for work. You don't turn down work if you are self-employed. Even if a customer approaches you outside a fish and chip shop at midnight – here's my card, business is business.

I took the taxi to the airport yesterday with Jeab to go back home from Bangkok to London. She snuggled up close the whole time and said some really nice things. I did enjoy it and it drew an excellent week to a close. But I know that she will be straight onto the next farang before I've even been asked – "Window seat or aisle sir?"

I hope to meet a nice girl soon. I am not as cynical as I appear, only in the bargirl scene. And I think that's probably the most sensible approach.

So this is the life I have chosen. It's not perfect, but what is? Even the best marriages have their flaws. Instead of marriage, I like to have regular week-long "honeymoons" with Jeab. "Yeah, but you have to pay for that!" – Yes I do pay for it. But a lot less than a real honeymoon, and probably twice the sex.

I sometimes think we are better off just having week-long, short relationships. If you thoroughly enjoy it, who's to say it has no value?

I'm really not sure we are designed to commit to one person forever. We think we are, but the divorce courts prove otherwise. One moment there's a photographer in front of you saying, "Just the happy couple in this one, can you squeeze in a bit closer together? That's it, lovely." The next moment you're shouting into the next room, "And that fxxxing new cabinet is mine! You're not getting that as well!"

My thoughts are that nothing lasts forever. I love visiting the Tower of London but I wouldn't want to do it every day for 50 years. I'm not having a go at marriage and I'm not making excuses for my lifestyle. When I see pensioners holding hands it really makes me feel good, that some marriages genuinely can go the full distance. Then I look at my friend Kenny whose marriage lasted 5 months. Divorced after 5 MONTHS! Poor old Kenny. There was still cake left.

See, when you reach 40, you reach a crossroads in your life – a fork in the road. And they go in two different directions – Thailand or Legoland. If you're married with kids, you'll find yourself wandering around Legoland at 40. And if you're single at 40, you'll find yourself wandering around Thailand. And at some point at each scenario, there will be a moment when you think to yourself – My goodness, what has happened to my life! (haha!) But we've chosen Thailand, gentlemen, so let's enjoy it. Believe me, it's definitely better than Legoland.

There's a TV programme here in England called Red Dwarf. Maybe you've seen it. It's a futuristic comedy set in space. In one episode, the crew encounter a "pleasure gelf". Gelf stands for genetically engineered life form. A pleasure gelf will automatically turn itself into whatever you want it to be. It's designed purely for entertainment purposes. As soon as you clap eyes on it, it knows what you want, and it becomes that thing. Anyway in this one episode it turns into a beautiful girl, and the male crew are all totally seduced.

This makes me think of the bargirls. My girl is very sweet and demure when I'm with her, and I really like that. That's what I find attractive. She likes to make me laugh and is generally pretty quiet. For me, it's a breath of fresh air coming from central London where the girls get really pissed, sing at the top of their voices while dancing on the tables, and go home wearing a traffic cone on their heads before being sick into it.

So, yes, in the face of growing up in English society, Jeab is my little oasis.

But I do sometimes notice a change in Jeab when we visit the bars. She can be different when speaking with other bargirls. She talks quicker I've noticed, a bit harsher. I think this may be closer to her true personality. This isn't a criticism, just an observation.

I'm not saying that these girls put on an act – although some of them do – but I do think they are extremely talented in tuning themselves into the personality of the individual farang. Pleasure gelfs! For the real high earners, I think this comes naturally. Most of the time it is purely instinctive.

Just a few thoughts there. Thanks for taking the time to read my submission.


Phnom Penh guesthouse


Stickman's thoughts:

If you're genuinely happy with your current lifestyle of a week in Pattaya every 2 months, good on you. Carving out a lifestyle in which we are genuinely happy is something many people never really achieve.

Interesting definition of winners and losers although I don't like those two words in this context. I would suggest the real "winners" are those who don't feel the need to tell others anything about themselves and are truly comfortable with who they are. That would be less than 10% of the population, in my experience.