Readers' Submissions

18 Months In Asia (Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time) Part 3



If you have read parts 1 and 2 of the previous submissions this may interest you.

I wanted to end this rant, because I need to park and compartmentalise most of my shit apprapo Goff.

I feel very honoured, if that's the right word that Goff's family and friends remain my friends.

Goff's head injury was at the base of her skull and was caused by an aluminium briefcase flung from the rear parcel shelf.

Every day I think of her, every week I light candles for her. All these events happened some years ago and I continue to have a great deal of guilt for leaving her in Bangkok. I had to, I was scared of being another victim of the LOS.

I know for a fact that whatever happened, she would hurt me in the end, and ultimately inadvertently she ripped my heart apart. I never want to grieve like this again.

There are lots of analogies I could use about Goff and lots of one-liners but without doubt, she was an enigma to me, an extraordinary girl, an inexplicable riddle.

Whenever I see the family and friends, real friends, they all speak with so much love for her and some of the story's about her are so so funny. I have just finished talking with mam Fatima, on Skype, and told her of my submissions to this site. She was happy that I have done it * J please don't use my name, business name or anything cause me big trouble* I told her not to worry. She also knows a great deal about you Stick. * Yes I know slickboy site, very funny, many storey there very funny* no compassion whatsoever for us farangs.

I have visited the family several times since her death and Ball and myself are good friends. He is studying at the London School of Economics. We watch Fulham play whenever we can and they invariably lose.

Goff's mother came to the ceremony. they had been estranged for some years (I have no idea why). Goff's Aunt Fatima is the boss of the clan as you probably deduced.

They never talk about Goff's father. Fatima and Goff's Mother are sisters.

Her grandmother died 2 months after the accident. Fatima told me that she died from a broken heart. Goff looked after her 7 days a week, 24 hours a day until she started work at the family business. (She also told me the Grandmother hated me). She thought I had no right to be with her granddaughter (ex-comfort girl to the Japanese).

The Mother, 3 Aunts, 3 nieces and the Grandmother, all do or have worked in the industry, and to quote Fatima, *never, ever, never bar girls they have no shame* ????? pot, kettle, black springs to mind.

I asked her why they all worked in the sex industry and she said *what else would we do, go market go office never that job never*.

Goff, they tell me was very well educated (as Goff told me, many many times) and they have given me some photos of her.

I believe Goff's father was Chinese but Goff would never discuss her father. Maybe she didn't know herself.

Batman, Superwoman and Spiderman were at the ceremonial, most of the girls who worked for the agency were there.

Robin has not been seen since that nightmare incident at the party.

Mystery bag girl is one of the aunties.

Afterwards we went to the family home for more rituals and offerings. I stayed for 2 days and asked about the flat where Goff lived with some other girls. To my amazement it was true. Fatima told me that Goff made sure the girls got to there clients on time and she was wardrobe and toy manager (LOL). I asked mam Fatima who she wants to take over the business when she has had enough, she said * I never stop my business, I die my business die* she then told me that all the girls in Bangkok are too modernised, too selfish and have very little business sense. She blames the Thai boyfriends that they ALL have. I asked her what had been her aspirations for Goff. She looked at me intensely for a while…it intimidated me and if I'm honest it scared me (flashback to batman trembling in the corner at the hotel). She smiled and said *I like you J, the family like you, but you will never understand our way of life, you will never understand our cultural differences, our history or our beliefs*, she had drawn a line, a line I had not seen and the farang had crossed it and got a slap. I suppose it's true about Thailand, farangs will always be farangs and a Thais will always be a Thais, no matter what you do or perceive, you will always be a farang.

Hours later I was sitting in the garden feeding the fish and sobbing like a twat. What I appreciated at the time was that they let me deal with my sadness and someone would come and just sit with me. (This is the place where I had first seen Goff in the traditional Thai outfit of violet and gold). Mam Fatima glided across to me and put her hand on my arm.*You know why you'rw here J*, I didn't answer, I smiled, always smile at them, even if you think their pissed at you. *you not fat, you not drink much and you made Goff smile, always smile with you, you not lie, not mad, no bad words, always she very happy* she stood up smiled and said *don't feed the fish too much, they original imported*.(LOL) You never know where you are with these people and I love them for it.

Goff was an escort and a busy one, but I accepted that without any hang-ups. Whenever we were together I had no reason to believe she was working because she was always with me. (That I assure you is the only way you will ever know what a Thai girl is up too, period) – ask Stickman. Tweedledee and Tweedledum the grandmother would call us.

The grandmother was a shit stirrer and never stopped nagging me in Klingon that I needed to give Thai gold to her granddaughter.

Goff did ask for money when I went on my travels and I always said no. She would laugh and tell me she would marry me for 50 million baht. On reflection, even if I had that sort of money, I still would never have married her. I don't believe that Asian girls can stop themselves asking for something, it's programmed at birth.

They all, when I see them continue to say *Goff love you J, she like you J, she trust you anything, you always good Goff* and then spoil it *you bring gift me* I give up sometimes but always smile, always laugh.

I never get carried away with that and 99.9% still believes she was with me to maintain and guarantee my silence about the party, to protect the family business.

I understand what she meant when she said *J why you not love me* she just wanted to hear it and then tell all her mates,(LOL) I know that she loved me in her Thai way, I knew she thought she did, and the way she would look at me and look after me was amazing. That's the draw for us farangs and the ladies know it, that's why it's so hard not to fall for these girls. I will never forget her and I will never be able to stop the guilt I feel.

It has helped me writing about this. Many people say that I need to talk more about my feelings for her.

The problem is that I know I had let my guard down and allowed her to get to me. I can see her as I type, smiling at me, with her eyes piercing my farang soul, Then giggling and saying * you cold heart English man*

To my shame and bitter regret, Goff never heard me say I LOVE YOU and the truth of it is, I did, I still do and I always will.

Phnom Penh guesthouse