Readers' Submissions

Why I Married A Thai Part 2



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This a follow on for my previous submission.

I am married for 8 years to my Thai wife. I never intended to marry a Thai girl and didn't want to marry this girl but she got pregnant so I did the decent thing for the sake of my child to be. I am a junkie and my drug of choice is Thailand, Bangkok especially. I have spent 5 years in that city and loved every moment of it, but I now live in Europe with my wife and 2 kids, but miss Thailand everyday. However I want to westernise my kids before they are influenced by the Thai logic system which is the opposite of western logic. Also they are girls and Thailand can be a dangerous place for young girls, not just Bangkok but up country there is a huge risk of abuse and rape in the villages, stepdads, uncles, fathers of their school friends are all risk characters and my wife tells me this not just me imagining it. The deeper you dig in rural Isaan, the uglier it gets. So we are stuck here in the mundane west.

Like I said I never intended to be married and have kids but that is how fate worked in my life. I would rather be single in Bangkok living the male dream, as I did before I met my wife. When I say the male dream I don't mean P4P because it takes a certain type of male to pay for sex and actually enjoy doing that. Maybe 50 – 60% of guys can do that but I can't. I would just feel too stupid naked and grunting away with some girl who is clearly not into me or it, especially if it was a massage happy ending joint. I would feel such a fool. Call me weird but I need some kind of rapport. Also, I don't want to be another seedy westerner just in Thailand for sex. Please don't get irritated with my comments if you are into paying for sex. You just do your thing and I will do mine.

Back to my marriage as that is what the original submission is about. My wife is a difficult personality and doesn't love me but we try to keep it amicable. She wants to receive but not to give. It is the Thai way, massive sense of entitlement, ''Why have you not bought me a house and land? <It is NOT the Thai way, rather you married a "dud"Stick> All my Thai friends here in the west have land that their husbands bought for them because those husbands are fools and their wives don't love them in any way that we comprehend love here in Europe so why should I buy land for a girl who doesn't love me?

However, she is very different in character to the others, has a very determined personality and I admire half of her and dislike the other half, but I will stick with her for now as she gorgeous and very petite and was not sleazy or into that lifestyle, doesn't drink and has no interest in going out to bars or nightlife. Also it would be very hard to replace her in the west. I would have to move back to Asia to have a chance of getting a replacement.

I have become pragmatic like the Thais towards marriage. I now no longer seek the western ideal of love etc, but evaluate my marriage for what I get out of it for me and the kids, and if we didn't have kids there is no chance we would still be married, but the kids don't know that and it is better for them to have 2 parents. We rarely fight in front of them, maybe once or twice per year and only for less the a minute after a bit of muttered verbal abuse in Thai from her which they don't understand, I snap and tell her to leave if she is going to call me those things. I understand Thai very well and read it very well. She is almost impossible to live with but I am able to suspend reality and go along with it. I must be under a spell because I would not tolerate the same from a western girl. My wife is financially independent now as she has a job and earns about the same as I do so I don't oppress her or control her in any way but she still seems to be against me in this marriage. I have asked a few times why she lives with me if she doesn't like me and she replies you are a good guy.

It is not ideal to live like this but we don't beat each other up, but where is the love? And respect? Yes my marriage is broken but until a better offer comes along it is better than no marriage. Never a dull moment married to a Thai.

Her background is not easy so I try to allow for it. She was left behind in the village at 2 years of age by her mother who moved to Bangkok and got married to a new guy there. Her mother would come back once per year to see her for a few days as is the Thai way and this is accepted as normal in Thailand but it still does terrible damage to the kids. They feel abandoned and unloved which can stunt their emotional development. She tells me how she remembers wondering why her mother didn't bring her with her, terrible for a small child to feel this way. The father was not interested either. He lived in a village nearby but never came to see her. I am lucky in that the in-laws are a very decent bunch lovely people who never asked me for any money, and never expected any. Some of them are the finest people I know. I have seen the useless waster types up in Isaan but thankfully my clan is better than that.

So what to do about my marriage? Is it any worse than some western marriages? No. But it is not good as it is. That is what happens when your girl marries you for reasons other than love which is what most Thai girls do with a western male. They fall madly in love with their Thai men, but not generally us.




Stickman's thoughts:

I respect you for baring your soul. From part 1 we can see that you made a number of mistakes.

All I will say – and I don't mean this in a nasty way – is that I am glad I don't have your life. Life is way too short to be unhappy like this.