Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 317

  • Written by Dana
  • March 3rd, 2012
  • 6 min read


Attn: Stickmanites and truth seekers

There have been occasions when others have criticized the punctuation in my writing. They are all wrong. Many of these primitives don't know what a colon or a semi-colon is. Actually a semi-colon is what the surgeons leave you if you have rectal cancer but that is a whole other thing. Anyway, most punctuation 'experts' believe that what the writer should do is load up a shotgun with commas and just blast away at each manuscript page. That is not punctuation. That is ignorance and laziness. This essay was produced for the United Nations Commission on Punctuation Truth (UNCPT) to put this subject to bed. It has been accepted and adopted by 152 nations and by St. Peter who has to keep a lot of records at the gate of heaven and transcribe a lot of tiresome testimony. Enjoy.

Sincerely yours,
Dana


SIR ISSAC NEWTON AND PUNCTUATION

"That shakin', and be, bakin' dude: — that totally, downtown hepcat; that alpha-male, Dana . . . who writes, on Stickmanbangkok.com.: is the greatest-living: writer !, in, the English language.!" — Unknown

Hey, I found this quote by Unknown. Try as I might I can't find anything wrong with the punctuation. Clear, economical, and in mechanistic agreement with an idea of beyond debate chiseled-in-marble intellectual iconography on par with 'And God Spoke.' This just goes to show that in an indifferent Universe of randomness, anarchy, and violence; sometimes great ideas attract great punctuation the way I attract skanks on the boulevard.

Truely, things make sense on top of Mount Everest. As I gaze down on Base Camp where Earthlings are trying to puzzle out the intricacies of primus stoves and semi-colons, I smile with the yeti mystic humility of one who has punctuation expertise up the ying yang.

But I can't brag, it's a gift. Like iron filings to a magnet, or Pattaya crabs to my groin, or thieving teeruks to my wallet; perfect punctuation and my brilliant timeless writing are inexorably attracted to one another like gravitationally attracted pinwheeling nebuli. Dust to dust, groin to groin, me to Fa, and semi-colons to independent clauses; correct punctuation is attracted to my writing as if my mythic text treats were black holes in space.

You know what Sir Isaac Newton was thinking of while sitting under that tree before the apple fell on his head? The Christmas show at the G-Spot Bar where twenty Go Go dancers dressed in aluminum foil antlers and nothing else conga line from the dressing room door to the stage while barefoot fat mamasans in Santa suits wave sparklers? Nope. Not a bit of it. He was thinking about my writing and he was thinking about my punctuation.

He was just about to name some laws of physics about my writing (brilliant) and my punctuation (brilliant) when that stupid apple fell on his stupid head and he went off on a thirty year gravity rant. Think of what we missed. The only thing exceeding his thoughts on this subject was found in his notebooks on alchemy where he was wrestling with the equation for turning bad bargirls into good bargirls. To Newton notebook quote:

"Danasium Writerus Brillentas Punctuationium Without Improvementaem"

I think his thoughts are clear. A totally righteous dude. He was prone after a few Black Russians and a few Pink Ladies with Dean Barrett in a Cowboy bar to tell you where you could stick your exclamation point. But hey, only I'm perfect.

A fun guy though. Conversation between him and Dean in a bar:

Newton: Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants).

Dean Barrett: Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aura (I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear)

Yes sir, nothing excites erections in the experienced sex monger male like matters of punctuation. Grab my sister? I don't care. Kiss and grab and grope Ming and Ling and Ting in front of me? I don't care. Tell me you'll bend over and grab your ankles when we get back to the hotel room, and then you refuse to bend over and grab your ankles when we get back to the hotel room? Mai Pen Freakin' Rai. But mess with my commas and fiddle faddle with my hyphens and I'll be all over you like a German at a sale on sandal socks.

There are other punctuation wannabes are cluttering up the text highway with their erratic slow moving Somchai mobiles of literary serial stabbing in the dark. And many of these numbskulls have the need to quote sources. I have it on good authority (Bing who works at the Stick It Here bar on Soi 6) that one Internet punctuation pretender uses as his sources Bartles & James, Captain Morgan, and of course the final punctuation source duo of Gin & Tonic. Nuff said.

Note: Has anyone seen Marc Holt's bumper sticker quoted below?

"Question: What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a so-called dead punctuation expert in the road?
Answer: There are skid marks before the snake."

Anyway, another punctuation opiner insists on having opinions of his own. So unnecessary. Just copy me. I am beyond expert. Remember Mount Everest? Remember the black holes? I've already done your thinking for you. It's all about the love . . . and the colons (tranny punctuation joke). Don't worry, oh gentle readers; worshipping me isn't all give and no get. Like Sol warming the faces of Mayan mendicants, I beam into you punctuation photons of love. Just open yourself up to me and your colon and semi-colon fears will wash away like a child's sandcastle in front of a Phuket tsunami. You know how sometimes when you are naked in front of a Superbabies Bar highliner all you can rustle up is a comma instead of an exclamation point? Just copy me and you'll soon hear other South Pattaya boulevard smilers say: "You exclamation point too big maak!"

Hey, dudes and dudettes, mongers and teeruks, members of the Church of Dana, and members of the Dana Fan Club; it's almost sign-off time. But first let me leave you with one more example of punctuation perfection culled from the GreatestLivingWriters.com website.

'Kuhnium Danasanius: Punctuation; Perfectiosuanious, Mindboggletonosis'

Says it all, doesn't it? Are you like me? Can you see those text punctuation nebuli happily copulating in Dana space? Of course you can. Is this all? Well, not quite all. I am publishing a book. It will not be a picture book. The pages will have text. Interior to the text will be punctuation. The punctuation will no doubt cause some readers stress. I almost regret this. Almost. My alpha male literary abilities should be used for good rather than ill. Still . . .

Actually, I really only forsee one potential regret regarding the publishing of my book. Comparisons to other books will be easily and universally made and the other books will be thrown onto giant book burning piles all over the world. The poorly combusted materials will cause plumes and gases and clouds to be released into the air. The resulting worldwide pollution will effectively shut out the sun. Crops will fail and billions will starve. But no one will complain. Starving for art is a gift accorded few.

On second thought: I have no potential regret regarding this issue. Hopefully, I will be the last man standing and holding my book. I am on the way to godhead status anyway so it really doesn't matter. It is what it is. The Earth cleansed and purged of the virus Mankind is something I do not mind taking credit for. As I ascend to my cosmic future I will leave my book behind. Sojourners of the quantum mechanical future will land and find only pure Earth, my thoughts, and my punctuation. I think Sir Isaac Newton would approve.