I have been invited to try out this new Monopoly board game that is based on Thailand’s tourist nightlife hot spots, so I had better choose the gaming piece I am going to use to go around the board. I have got a choice of gaming pieces which are
named as Monger, Country Girl, High Maintenance Girl, Party Girl and Good Girl. Being a creature of habit I will choose the Monger piece with the other gaming pieces going to my gaming opponents. Starting off with 100,000 Baht each, we all throw
dice to see who goes first and as it happens I end up going last (not a good omen). Now it is eventually my turn, I throw the dice and score a five! Tapping out the spaces, I land on Walking Street, Pattaya to see that Country Girl is already
here. A short time room on this space means I have to pay 500 baht and with the barfine it adds up to 1100 Baht! With Country Girl wanting 1500 Baht, I think I will throw the dice again. Landing on the “Kitten Nightclub”, Pattaya
beach, Pattaya I find there’s a hotel on this site meaning I have to pay another 800 Baht. With the cost of a large barfine and a kayote with unmistakeable manly features, pestering me for a lady drink, I am out of there pronto! Fingers
crossed for better luck on the next roll of the dice. Oh rats! I throw the dice and land on “Go straight to jail” and “do not collect 20,000 baht if you pass go”. Don’t fancy being stuck here for the rest of
the game so I buy a “get out of jail free” card from the boys in brown for 10,000 Baht and chance my luck again. Landing on Community Chest I choose a card which says “the buffalo has died, please pay 4,000 Baht”
Let's throw again! I score a nine this time and land on Jomtien beach. At this point in the game, I begin thinking about future game strategy, mainly brought on by the continuing expenses I am suffering. I decide that it could be a good idea to invest in a house purchase to provide some revenue for later on. Unfortunately, the game rules dictate that as the “Monger gaming piece” is “of a special status” I will have to put the title of any property I purchase in the name of one of the other players. Luckily, I bump into Good Girl who is also in Jomtien, and with the confidence she installs in me coupled with her wonderful winning smile, that would melt anyone’s heart, I hand over a 50,000 Baht deposit to her so she can make the purchase for me.
I roll the dice to land on “Chance” and pick up a card which says “Congratulations, you have won 1,500 Baht in the hamsum man competition”. After paying 3,000 Baht in lady drinks to celebrate I throw again. This time I land on Bangkok Hospital, New Petchaburi Road, Bangkok and have to hand over 5,000 Baht for life saving operation for “sick mother”.
Disillusioned but not wanting to give up, I roll the dice again and land on Soi Cowboy, Bangkok but soon get thrown out of this space by some heavy handed door staff. Next space is the “Bed Supper Club” Sukhumvit Road, Bangkok. I see High Maintenance Girl has made herself comfortable here. A large entrance fee and a 4,000 Baht bar bill later, I throw the dice to go past “Go”. Unfortunately, the 20,000 Baht I am meant to collect by passing “Go” has been invested, on my behalf, in a jet ski business in Phuket and because of numerous tourist complaints there will be a delay in payment. With funds now at an all time low I am pleased to land back on Jomtien beach. Party Girl is there waiting for me and I ask her “Where is Good Girl and most importantly where is my house?” Party Girl says “All gone” and “the Loan Company has been looking for you”.. “Loan Company, what Loan Company?”
With the little investment prospects left in this part of town I throw the dice again and land on the Waterworks, Pattaya. “Hey Good Girl, I want a word with you” as I see she is there and has now started franticly to shake the dice. “It was not my fault” she cried, “my boyfriend take all the money to play cards” “Sob” “Sob” “Sob” “and now bad people come and want more money” “Sob” “Sob” “Sob”. “But I thought you were a Good Girl” I said to her as she started to shake the dice. “Up to you what you think” she said with tears running down her face, “I must take my turn now” and as soon as the dice fell on the board, she was gone. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I was the one out of pocket, I might of actually felt sorry for her.
With a little luck on my side, I throw a double six to get a free go but then land on Community Chest again! I pick up the card and it reads “You have contracted an STD, please pay 3,000 Baht in medical bills”
I am starting to get fed up now as I throw my last dice of the game. A score of eleven takes me all the way to Suvarnabhumi Airport, Bangkok. After paying airport taxes, customs expenses and over stay fines, this space is as good as any to leave the game and finally concede, throwing my hands in the air with total frustration.
Assessing my losses, I find that I have no houses built, no hotels up and running and virtually zero funds left. Checking with my gaming opponents, Country Girl had little money left but did have a free pair of silicon implants and a new mobile phone, High Maintenance Girl had more money than with what she started, a condo in Bangkok and a nearly new imported BMW she left on the “Free Parking Space”. Party Girl, looking bleary eyed as if she has just got out of bed, had about half the money she started with, a couple of “Farang sponsor” telephone numbers but was still waiting on some hospital bills for some on-going alcohol related problems. Whereas Good Girl was nowhere to be seen as she had left earlier on in the game with the excuse of a stomach ache.
Packing up the game there were some pieces missing and some damaged. One was a house piece that couldn’t be found anywhere (probably the one from Jomtien beach!), there were several trashed hotels and all of the 100,000 Baht notes that Good Girl had started off with had dissapeared! She never did return any of my calls!