Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 314

  • Written by Dana
  • February 11th, 2012
  • 5 min read


Attn: Dana fans and ceiling fans (drinking again at the Tweety Bird Underpants Bar)
Re: Dana Fan Club meeting update

At a recent Dana Fan Club (DFC) meeting held in Mexico City, the quote "My dog barks in Algonquin." (Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 271) was voted one of the top ten moments of Dana writing hilarity of 2010. There were some Dana fans with other opinions and there were some aggressive things said in several different languages but the tranny security people were able to restore order. Dana Fan Club meetings are not for everyone. Passions run high. Bye-the-way, Mr. Fred Nosebooger of Kuala Lumpur was the winner of the Pattaya boardwalk tranny trash look-a-like contest. Congratulations Fred. Photos have been sent to your wife, children, neighbors, employer and dog. You must be very proud.

And while the thought is in my head, and having nothing to do with the above: the Tweety Bird Underpants Bar of Pattaya will be sponsoring a contest/show in May having to do with Tweety Bird underpants, black dildos, and . . . ok, you'll have to contact them for details. I simply pass this on to be helpful. The only thing I know about this is that no girls will be allowed to enter the contest/show wearing Deputy Dawg, Superman, Hulk, Spiderman, Mickey Mouse, Road Runner, Bugs Bunny, Goofy, Wonder Woman, Woody Woodpecker, Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, or Bart Simpson underpants. I don't know about you but if I take a girl from the Rainbow bar over the to the Mothership and she is wearing Bart Simpson underpants it kills the moment. Anyway, you can't run a business without standards and I think these cartoon character underpant exclusions show what a well run bar the Tweety Bird Underpants Bar is.

And just a thought: wouldn't you have loved having a few afterwork drinks with the cartoonists who came up with the last name of Woodpecker? Just thinkin'. I'm a thinker. But that is not really what I want to talk about today. What I really want to talk about today in a serious essay format and on a website that features Thai-farang serious writing is:

TALKING TO HOOKERS

"If you live in fresh water but go out into the ocean to spawn, you are catadromous. Anadromous means "running up." Catadromous means "running down." If you are anadromous or catadromous, you are also diadromous. And if . . . , you are amphidromous." — John McPhee

Ok, I'll say it for everyone else. I'll say what you are all thinking. I'll take the hit. I'll be the sacrificial node. Catadromous, anadromous, diadromous, and amphidromous — how does this guy talk to hookers?

There, it's out, and worth repeating. Catadromous, anadromous, diadromous, and amphidromous? How does this guy talk to hookers and skanks and cruisers and smilers and . . . no really, how? Is this guy using this talk on the Pattaya boardwalk or in the Mothership parking lot in Bangkok to charm women of the commercially available kind? Has he got a snappy line of geek fish researcher chatter that just makes them go wet between their legs? Is there something I do not know but would really like to know?

In my case, I can say about fifteen things in Thai, plus I have learned three different ways to say "I don't speak Thai" (in Thai) which the girls find charming. I also have a pocket full of dog-eared notecards in my pocket with Thai words and phrases on them which are always a hit. Hopefully, we end up in my room. A friend of mine doesn't even talk. He just shows select porno playing cards of his favorite positions and activities. The meaning is clear. Mekhong Kurt tells of a gentleman who would go into a bar, lick a 500 baht note, and stick it on his forehead. Again, the meaning was clear. I sometimes wonder if it was really Mekhong Kurt who did this but no matter. Anyway, communication is all about results.

In other words, are we all missing the best bet here? Are the geeky over-educated fish research guys using words like catadromous, and anadromous, and diadromous, and amphidromous landing the really big hooker fish: the girls who never lock themselves in the bathroom, the women who beat you to the bed, the angels who never go starfish, and the smilers who can't get enough growling snapping pelvic thrusting heaving grunting sex? In other words, in the talking to hookers game; are they getting better results? Not to put too fine a point on it, has nerd boy McPhee discovered the secret to getting women to post orifice signs that say: For A Good Time Enter Here? Fish words? Hey, I'm no pussy snob. If it takes fancy fish words to score major Asian action just call me Mr. Catadromous.

Inquiring minds want to know. So much to learn, so little time. Are fancy fish words the key that unlocks the Pattaya boulevard or Mothership parking lot door to sex paradise? If so, where does it stop? How about if I smelled like a fish, or handed out sardines, or dressed in a fish costume? Would that help? Again, inquiring minds want to know and I am no pussy snob. Whatever it takes. So much to learn, so little time. So, if you see me on the boardwalk in Pattaya or you spot me in the Mothership parking lot in Bangkok smelling like a tuna, handing out sardines, dressed as a salmon, and using big fish words–don't bother me. I am doing research. Stay tuned for the research results, and start stockpiling cans of fish treat cat food–you may need it. Wish me luck as I enter the monger maw of the unknown for me, for you, and for humanity. Don't hate me because I am a visionary. That's just the kind of guy I am. Anyway, if fish treats and a fish costume makes these daughters of Essan hotter than a soi dog's balls in summer; I am a ready teddy. Whatever it takes. But let us not jump to any conclusions. First the survey science–then the posting of peer reviewed results.

But still, I couldn't resist priming the sex pump. I have already had catadromous, and anadromous, and diadromous, and amphidromous tattooed on my body. I know you would have thought of this eventually but as usual I am ahead of the curve. Don't hate me because I am ahead of the curve, that's just the kind of guy I am. Who loves you baby? Dana does. So much to learn, so little time..