It is Still Technically Bumming

It was a hot sultry afternoon and I was in that state of languor that would be described as ennui by better writers than myself. I was gently perambulating the strip of real estate known as Walking Street to no particular purpose and found my foot turning into a bar. The bar itself was nondescript, more typical of the establishments you would find in Soi 6 or along the Beach road. It was rickety, constructed of wood and manned by bored and indolent Thai girls. I took a seat at the bar and ordered a cold Singha. As I took the skin off my beer I soon found myself lost in quiet reflection. I had come to Pattaya for a few days break from Bangkok. It was my sixth visit to the kingdom. I must admit I had been coming to Pattaya for four years before I realised it was by the seaside which reveals some indication of my inclinations and powers of observation.

The previous evening I had entertained a delightful little poppet from the Beach Club just off Walking Street who certainly knew her craft and at one point in the proceedings felt her energetic ministrations would lead to my premature demise. I awoke the next morning deliciously exhausted but once my companion had taken her leave I felt obliged to take some gentle exercise. I decide to take a stroll and end up in this quiet bar in Walking Street.

Once my ass is comfortably parked on the bar stool, I spend an aimless hour or so playing the girls for drinks at connect four and that daft dice game they all play, when a katoey comes and takes a seat next to me. I note she is tall, slender and dressed in a short dress which shows her legs off to good effect. I gave her a polite smile and return my attention to my beer.

Whilst fairly tolerant of these people I prefer to avoid them if possible. In truth I knew very little of these unusual and exotic individuals. They are also referred to as ladyboys and I believe they are recognised in Thai society as phet ti sam… the third sex. I was first introduced to these curious creatures on my very first visit to Thailand. That first evening I had already been initiated into the delights of Soi Cowboy but when my pal Phil left for his beauty sleep my other friend David felt it his Christian duty to take me to Casanova bar on the middle floor of Nana Plaza and induct me in the dubious delights of the ladyboys.

David was an Asia man of some 20 years standing so knew his way around. He steers me up the stairs and into this infamous katoey bar. We enter and are fondled all the way to our seats in front of the stage. As David orders two beers I get myself comfortable and try to acclimatise myself to the bizarre surroundings. I scanned the occupants of the stage and was at once struck by how incredible these exotic creatures are – more woman than a woman but not quite a woman. It immediately struck me that it would be exceedingly difficult to explain this to my friends and colleagues at home. The image of transvestites or transsexuals in the west is still “Big George from Maintenance” who wears his wife’s frock at weekends. They can have no conception of the ladyboy phenomenon. I am sure many Thai aficionados encounter enough difficulties trying to articulate the whole sex tourist and rent a girl friend experience to friends who have not sampled it first hand. To explain the ladyboys would be almost impossible.

Once seated, my pal calls a couple of these lay-dees over to us. They sit close with us and we buy them a drink. My new companion is probably the sexiest looking female I have ever seen and my curiosity is aroused. Now that I am here I am interested in learning a little about this exotic subculture. I begin in eliciting a conversation and enquire about the operations they undertake. My companion explained she had her Adam’s apple done years ago and had a breast job done fairly recently. She proceeded to reveal the most perfect pair of breasts – round, firm with a delightful shape and long tubular nipples you only see in your wildest masturbatory fantasies.

I enquired if her nipples were sensitive and (always well-mannered) politely asked if I could have a suck on them. With the reply affirmative, I fastened my mouth around her nipple and sucked away. Long lost memories of breastfeeding inexplicably came to mind and I was tempted to ask if she had a Farley’s Rusk in her handbag, but fortunately refrained. It was a few moments before I realised…. I am in a bar in Bangkok sucking on a man’s nipple and do you know…. I don’t care.

It was only upon disengaging my mouth from her nipple that I understood what my pals had told me about going with the flow when in the LOS. The spell was broken however when she lowered her panties to reveal a penis that was considerably bigger than mine!

In subsequent visits I have encountered many katoeys working in bars as glass collectors or washers up. In fact it would appear most bars now employ an obligatory ladyboy. <This may have been the case in the past but is hardly the case today at all – Stick> After 10 visits one gets used to them and they blend into the landscape.

On a recent visit, after leaving Rainbow4 to make my way to Angelwitch I recall being gently accosted by a particularly stunning example of the genre. When she suggested I was “hansum man” I smiled politely and explained that although she was a most desirable creature my preference was for djihm (pussy). She immediately come back with the claim “I hab djihm”. I smiled and rejoin “My dear if you have a djihm I will pay you 6000 baht but if I find you do not, then you must give me 2000 baht and a free blowjob”. She thought for a moment then confessed “me no hab djihm” and laughed. As I proceeded to Angelwitch she wished me a cheery chok dee with a huge smile on her face.

Other experiences were not so pleasant. A previous visit saw me in Soi Cowboy on the last night of my vacation enjoying what would be my last drinks in LOS for six months. After saying my goodbyes to the usual suspects in the Dollhouse and Tilac at 10:00 the night was young so I made my way back to the Nana by skytrain.

As I walked down the staircase at Nana station I spotted two katoeys lurking in the shadows at the foot of the stairs. I guessed their intentions and as I stepped off the bottom stair the one approached me, hand extended to shake my hand (as the second one began to walk behind me). I smiled, let the first one get close and deftly sidestepped him. Overbalanced, he fell against his associate as I quickly made my escape into the better-lit areas of Suhkumvit Road. I was thankful I was relatively sober on that occasion; on any other night I would have been wankered by drink and they would have had my wallet (or worse) for sure.

I am awaken from my reverie by the Walking Street bargirl I was playing connect four with. She must have noticed the expression on my face and remarked “you no like katoey too reu?” I did not rely but she continued “This one she OK, she hab Swedish boyfriend and hab full operation already”. With this my curiosity is aroused and I turn to examine him / her with a new perspective. Many of them are stunning creatures but this one was exceptional. I buy her a drink and strike up a conversation. I explain I had never met a post operative katoey before and was extremely curious.

Fluent in English and surprisingly articulate she related her life story and described the processes she went through to achieve her present condition. I was fascinated and politely asked “Any chance of a look?” She turned on her stool ensuring her back was to the street and opened her legs wide revealing a tiny pair of pink panties. The first thing I noticed was a thin vertical line of moisture at the gusset which indicated they covered a feminine organ.

“Just flick your panties to one side” I requested in my most courteous manner. She did so without protest and I was treated to my first ever view of a man-made artificial mudgeon. I will not disturb the delicate sensitivities of my readers with too graphic a description but suffice to say other than two faint vertical scars it was a very faithful facsimile of a lady's front bottom. It struck me that in the dark you would certainly not notice the difference.

“I have a room upstairs if you want to try it out” she kindly offered.

I must confess I was very tempted, it being on my list of activities to try before my eventual demise, but I was so exhausted from the ministrations of my previous evening I suspected I would not get stiff enough to do it justice.

So I politely declined.

On reflection I suspected I would have had enormous difficulty trying to explain or rationalise my actions if I had accepted. Judging from the reaction of Phil and Union Hill when I recited the tale on my return to Bangkok a few days later, I probably made the correct decision to decline. My eldest son (who was then 20) confirmed this a few weeks later. His comment was that at the end of the day, no matter how attractive he / she was, he was still a bloke and therefore it is still technically “bumming”. He further suggested that it would have been a bridge too far even for me.

However when I related the story to my youngest son (18 at the time) he said he would have definitely gone for it. This in all probability suggests he is far more ready for a trip to the land of vertical smiles than his older brother is.

The subject of ladyboys reminds me of an incident a few months ago in the casino in West Bromwich. My brother, eldest son and I use the casino as a working men’s club and that Sunday we were in to watch the full programme of premiership football in the comfort of the bar. Two striking Vietnamese females enter behind us and proceed to the gaming tables. Their entry had been noticed by every red blooded male in the club. It had also not escaped their attention that maybe one of the ladies was not quite what she seemed. I could see that one was clearly transsexual and not a particularly convincing one at that. I was also certain her beautiful companion was also suspect.

Now I am considered the fount of all knowledge on all things Asian amongst the pissheads who drink there on Sundays so my opinion is elicited. Several enquire “Was one of them a bloke?” I explain about katoeys and offer the opinion that actually two of them are blokes. I am not believed as the one in question was an exceptionally exotic and beautiful creature. I proffer a £10 bet which five of my inebriated pals take. I check with the receptionist who confirms from seeing their ID cards that both are definitely male. I walk out that evening £50 to the good which I assure you was preserved for the “poor children’s Father’s drinking fund” and certainly not wasted on anything remotely sensible.

I remain ambivalent about the whole issue of ladyboys / katoeys. Live and let live has always been my predominant philosophy. Although I must confess I will forever remain mildly curious about the phenomenon. I am always reminded of the words of the Sainted Dana who observed the principle attraction of these exotic creatures is that there is always a “little extra "to play with….. If one is so inclined.

Stickman's thoughts:

A nice honest report on your dealings with them. A lot of guys have been tempted, and some have even gone through and done the deed. Maybe they might like to tell us what it is like?!