Nana Plaza, The Truth According To The Gospel Of Tommaso
Forgive me for cutting to the chase with some immediacy but in my life “Time” is money, sometimes a lot of money but today I have a world exclusive and I want to share it right here and right now with all of you highly esteemed fellows of the “Stickman brotherhood”. One of the very few Thai-centred benevolent organisations, which does not discriminate on the basis of gender, race, creed, age or social background and which is truly dedicated to the ultimate challenge, to wit; the pursuit of happiness by finally reaching the ultimate nirvana also known as the “Holy Thai Vulva” or HTV. Yes, my dear fledglings and not so young ones, I hear your cry and your despair, your desire for a mere sign of divinity to give some meaning to this ongoing debacle. I also wish to stretch my open hand forward as a gesture of sympathy for those brothers in pains and enduring prolonged abstinence, well until your doctor has given you the all clear at least. I understand and empathise with your pains and rejoice when I hear of your fun times, oh yes, you can rely on me because I have read them all, thousands of them, the “readers’ submissions”. I have felt your love, your pleas and I have shared your dreams and your desires too. What else can a man do other than seeking comfort from his true brothers when his teeruk turns into a “Toruk”. The latter is a bird too but with a considerable wider wingspan and you will be able to spot her in Avatar, the movie…keep your eyes on the orange one…you cannot find those at Tilac no matter what Stick will have you believe…not that he knows much anyway because, as he says, he does not partake, right? On the other hand, when the Holy Thai Vulva is finally within reach, we realise that our indefatigable efforts have all been worthy as we so happily delve into these most delicate folds with reckless abandonment and forget all the ills in this world for a while. My own record of resistance before the Holy Thai Vulva before rejoicing aloud is three minutes including showering by the way.
Now, I have tried my best before, and the Lord is only too aware of this, to conceal the news that I am about to reveal to you and years of training, in a younger life, with my local Jesuits order have served me well in this resolve but the continued rumours divulgated on this very website by that ever so charming but at times defiant, incorrigible, intractable and unruly Stick have left me with no choice and they have forced me to reveal what I once believed I would never confess. Yes, my dear brothers, a lot of rumours have been going on for far too long and the only way to stop them is to reveal the truth. I know, I know, when you finally hear what I am going to announce, you will not believe it and frankly neither did I until that is, just like my other namesake, Thomas the Apostle, I doubted as to what the “Resurrection” of Nana Plaza will be after its lease has expired until I could touch the proof with my own finger.
At this point of my humble contribution to this venerable site patronised by so many well respected and highly revered members of our society, I fully appreciate the disbelief and possibly the distrust that my words may be causing you already. I am only too aware of your apprehension at this very moment and I can feel the anxiety building up while your hearts skip a beat or two every time someone dares to mention that the Nana Plaza may be…no more. Oh, I cannot even begin to describe the many sleepless nights I had to endure when I found out, alas my initial scepticism, my rejections of this inevitable conclusion was there black on white or in resplendent Technicolor as the case may be, depending on what I had eaten, before my very eyes.
Let me explain, if I may, that although I do not reside in Bangkok I am a regular visitor. Of course, you have every right to raise the question at this juncture and I will accept it with the same inevitability and serenity of a humble man found guilty and proceeding to the gallows to meet his executioner; How did someone like me end in Sodom and Gomorrah of all places? Well, allow me to quote brother Phet, who, in the darkest hours of our lives, often comes to the rescue with his inimitable style and panache providing some respite to us all in the knowledge that there are others like us suffering at times and seemingly in more infinite and disturbing ways. Who else could have the ability to encapsulate what so many have tried to express only to be deserted every time by Calliope, the muse of poetry, yes, because it is indeed brother Phet who recently, and very aptly, wrote “There are many wonderful things about Thailand; its climate and beaches are conducive to tourism and it has a cuisine considered amongst the best in the world. The distinctive culture and spectacular temples contribute to the country’s exotic appeal and you encounter sights and smells that assail the senses. But if we are honest, the principle attraction is the delightful womanhood of Thailand” (emphasis in bold is mine) Oh, brother Phet, only someone like you, with a kind and generous nature towards others, with a unique and unfaltering sense of dignified humanity in narrating stories and with your vast and wise experience could capture the essence of truth in such a dispassionate and balanced view, which finds its core at the very end. Your sentence was so uncomplicated and yet so lucid that many brothers who have penned stories before simply gave up and some have since gone on pilgrimages to other countries hoping that Calliope will one day return to them, like the often venerated and worshipped Korski, also known as brother K, who allegedly has been reported on a voyage to India and apparently, while there, developing a penchant for photos of drying excrement in many different ways as captured by the camera in his steady hands. Sadly, this seems unwittingly encouraged by Stick who keeps commenting brother K’s photos are good…given that, when it comes to photos, Stick is quite skilled, perhaps, I wonder if he intends to keep him there for good?
So, my cherished and precious brothers, I must confess, I too have fallen for that spell of incurable yellow fever from which I cannot (and don’t want to either) recover and the reason of my ailments are found in a slender creature, gifted with long elegant arms, long legs, narrow waist, flat stomach, almond eye, luscious lips concealing the happiest of smiles and almond cut eye sockets inhabited by eyes shining like mother pearls and reflecting the beauty of her jet black hair dancing softly on her shoulders along with the rhythm of the sensual and feminine movements in each of her steps. Yes brothers, I am talking about the woman for whom I regularly fly back and forth, for whom I spend an inordinate amount of time on Skype and with whom I have exchanged hundreds of emails for a number of years now and written love note upon love note but let me come back to her in just a moment.
Now, like you, I have been most preoccupied by all these unsettling suggestions and unfounded fabrications which would make Tony Blair appear like a choir boy when questioned on the legality of invading Iraq by a parliamentary Select Committee. Nana Plaza in Bangkok linked to a “replacement complex”? Surely, nothing could be further from the truth. Indian Thai groups buying other Indian groups for 756 million baht (that was the asking price Stick expected for his web site I believe), how could this be true? Do I need to remind you of the photographic evidence already available from brother K as to how these fantasy tales of wealth among Indians in India do not hold water? Judging by these snapshots, not even I would want to stick my finger there. These spurious allegations were so preposterous that I almost stopped reading Stickman’s weekly column. “Impossible” I hear you cry and yes I agree impossible it was and I could not bring myself to commit the ultimate act of treachery. However, what to do? And then God’s messenger, Gabriel, appeared to me on a hot and sultry Bangkok night like many others and he had a message “Go and see Bobby” he said. At first I was mystified, baffled, confounded. Bobby? Who could he possibly mean? I went to the bathroom, switched on the light and I became aware that I was covered in sweat and such was the distress that I could not return to sleep. It was only in the early hours of the following morning that I realised after a long shower, a hearty breakfast and sipping a good strong coffee while watching various pedestrians from my seat by the window at On 8 by the Nana sky train station, that I had an appointment with Bobby at Raja’s Fashions. Could the Thai fish cakes I had enjoyed the night before really provoke such hallucinations? Well, if this was a divine sign, there was only one way to find out and without much further ado, I decided to walk down to Soi 4 and crossed the threshold of his shop, the steps of which almost extend into the that little alley leading to Nana Plaza. I was there for a fitting with the doyen of tailors, the unofficial authority of gentlemen’s style when in Bangkok, the smooth professional guru of sartorial exquisiteness but I had to ask him something completely unrelated to his trade because surely as the wise man he is known to be, he would also know if this was true. Therefore, as casually as I could possibly sound I asked him if there was any truth in the conjecture that all of the 3,400 square metres nightly patrolled by the highest concentration of available Thai female specimen on a pay for pleasure basis and who are night after night so affectionately guarded by so many of our brothers could be replaced by 30,000 square metres of undistinguished condos? Was it conceivable that with 16 months to go, the so called Nana Castle group had raised the price once again to the mouth gasping one million baht per square metre? <Minor correction, Nana Castle is not the land owner but leases it from the land owner and subleases space to the bars – Stick>
Bobby is not one to get flummoxed too easily. He has seen it and heard it all before. In his typical consumate professional style He pondered the question in all seriousness while his fingers were playing with his long black beard for a while. He knew I was a friend but he was less sure as to whether the secret leading to the answer could be shared with anyone at all. Then he looked at me straight in the eye and decided to write something in Thai on a piece of paper and told me it was an address. I thanked him and thinking of all of you brothers I undertook this mysterious mission. Now, please bear in mind that during my time in Bangkok I have never had reason to cross the Sukhumvit border, which for me consists of the Asoke junction at one end and soi 1 at the other. However, I was compelled by a higher calling and it felt as if I had to. Although the difficulty of finding a taxi driver who would agree to put the meter on was a challenge in itself, eventually my investigation led me to an ancient looking Chinese woman who was sitting on a stool as time had stopped in her very dusty shop down in Chinatown. She motioned me with her hand to go through the back and as if animated by a new wind of life she quickly led me to another location and then through a labyrinth of underground tunnels where I would pick up vital additional clues, which would allow me to complete my search. Several hours later, eventually, I emerged at the feet of an odd looking pyramid, which I am told the locals refer to as Wat Arun. From there it was a case of following my newly acquired leads while trawling the many khlongs and witnessing unexpected life forms in other “not seen before now” areas on Bangkok. I moved quickly, I had to because you can never be sure of those unsuspecting Thai eyes that seem to follow you everywhere. I know I could have put myself at risk by being irremediably redirected by seemingly helpful locals to a series of gem stores courtesy of a tuk tuk driver but I finally found “The Man” yes you have read correctly, I did type it in capital and placed it in inverted commas because my searches lead to “The Man” and predictably I was by then outside Bangkok and out at sea.
Here I need to return to my sweetheart I mentioned earlier on because you see, and let’s keep this a secret among us please, my “Innamorata” works in Government as a highly ranked officer and without revealing her identity or indeed the area of city planning where she is employed at, she has shown to me, your humble Tommaso, the skeptic, the unbeliever, a certified and authentic copy of the title deeds of the Nana Plaza and the three questions, which have been affecting your sleep for so long “Will Nana will be pulled down?” and “Will the night spots up and down the soi disappear?” and “Will the area’s reputation change?” can finally be answered: Yes, Yes and for the better.
Brothers, please brothers, I plead with you, show some restraint because there is more I have to tell you and it may be good news the like of which dear brothers you may not have either heard or imagined for a long time because my dear siblings, the deal has already been struck and the new owner of Nana Plaza is none other than a reader of the Stickman website. Yes brothers, he is one of us and at the same time he stands apart towering above us mere mortals because this man is not a standard being, oh no, he is divinity itself in the semblance of the most perfect of human forms!
For years he has entertained us and in his convincing camouflage he has suffered the ire, indignation and exasperation of many. Even Stick has tried to provoke him from time to time but this is a man made of steel, with balls harder than kryptonite and typical of his demeanour he has never once retaliated. His resolve has been so rugged and sturdy that even the experienced brother Sawadee2000 could learn a thing or two, especially on how silence when provoked can speak volumes too. This is a man who was once slapped by a tuk tuk driver and behaved as if a cockroach had crossed his path. This is a man who has a memory more infallible than the elephants he loves so much. This is a man who started amassing gold when the latter was 250 dollars an ounce, who bought thousands of shares in Apple when reference to the latter was only a fruit and who had the foresight to purchase an insane amount of Norwegian bonds well before all other bonds and gilts across Europe began to show signs of weakness. This is a man whose taste in dressing is so eclectic to make Lady Gaga’s outfits seem banal.
Don’t be tricked by his various decoys to fool you with his many entertaining tales. At various points, he has tried to make us believe that he was from Boston, he was a sailor, an accountant, unmarried, then married, then unmarried again, of diminutive stature, going bald, sporting a beer belly and now over 60. Nothing could be further from the truth, quite the opposite in fact. Let me tell you that he is now only in his early 40s but with a head still full of hair, black curls actually. He is very disciplined with his sleep routine and with what he eats and he only drinks water. He exercises religiously and still displays an enviable set of well defined abdominal muscles. I have had the pleasure of meeting him on board of his yacht where he outlined his plans for the new Nana Plaza in some very simple steps. He stood before me at just over six feet without shoes; his manner was reassuring and the tone of his voice soothing. His clothing was a little extravagant and I had never known a man, unless he answered to the name of Tom Jones, to command such presence while wearing a vibrant yellow silk shirt complete with decorative frills along its front placquet and over cranberry coloured linen trousers. The thought of referring him to my friend Bobby did cross my mind but I was so overwhelmed by the occasion and in such a state of awe that I simply kneeled before him while listening to him solemnly decree:
“ As a result of this project and similar to what happens in takeovers in northern Europe I intend to guarantee work to all the existing girls willing to remain. The ground floors will be refurbished to individual fashion boutiques with global appeal so that gifts opportunities abound for those wishing to impress their teeruk…or the wives and mistresses back home. These will also have the benefit for the punters of avoiding inconvenient and never ending trips to the various department stores while following their little darlings in the sweltering daily heat and typical traffic bedlam of this fascinating and mysterious city. There will also be a special shop where girls will be able to make and stuff their own teddy bears available from small to giant size and paid for by their supporters and customised clothing for those cute bears will be available including a facility to screen print sponsors’ names and/or short slogans available for a reasonable fee. Non residents will be able to apply for tax refunds when purchasing gifts on site. There will be a 1,000 baht entrance fee and this will be twelve times higher for Thai nationals because, in accordance to local traditions, the old adage of “When in Rome do as the Romans” will prevail. This fee will give access to the second floor where the girls may be selected either individually or in pairs according to their talents and their expertise will be clearly defined for the benefit of customers in a menu style leather bound booklet printed in English, Russian, German, Mandarin and Japanese. For those who do not speak these languages, like my American brothers, the various technical positions will be displayed in a set of Nana playing cards, which will also be available for purchase in the souvenir area on the ground floor. The various locales will be themed and cater for every taste. These will also include among others costume play, fetish and pre-op and post-op katoeys for those with particular taste. Soapy massages will have a dedicated area and rooms will be equipped with floor to ceiling mirrors and an acoustic music system with a choice of CDs catering for every taste. Touts and bouncers will be retrained in customer service and provided with free English lessons. They will also have to learn to smile and wai in line with local tradition. Those who cannot pass this basic requirement will see their services dispensed with. Two complimentary beers or soft drinks will be included with the entry fee but no refunds will be given to those who do not consume. To balance this policy, 5% of all entry fees will be donated to well established and recognised charitable Christian foundations who provide schooling and shelter for abandoned children in various parts of the country. Every year, 7% from the net profits will be spent on either building new schools or refurbishing new ones and where the walls will display maps of Thailand next to maps of the world including basic economic and social charts such as GDP real growth rate and per capita, budget deficit, public debt, inflation rate, life expectancy at birth, HIV/AIDS, education expenditure and population growth rate (including births and deaths rates) so that young Thai children get a true and ongoing perspective of how important their country really is in the world. Those children will also be given the opportunity to learn English so that one day they too will be able to help their country hold its valuable position as a leading global player. These children will also have the option of researching their family trees and a few may even be re-united with their fathers thanks to DNA testing. At Nana, additional drinks will be available and paid for by 100 baht worth blue tokens which will be purchased on site. Tokens will not be refundable and excess ones will be placed in an blessed urn near the exit and donated to various temples. Monks will collect proceeds daily when visiting the new Nana shrine standing 8 metres high in the middle of the square consisting of a monolithic resin block with rounded edges in pale blue colour. Punters will expect to see their drinks served within five minutes and, by adopting this system, the unsavoury thought of an inflated check bin will become a thing of the past. All girls (and this includes the lovely katoeys) will receive regular monthly health screenings, the cost of which will be recouped by taxing them 12% on all their income generated fees. None of the girls will handle money. Instead punters will be able to purchase tokens and they will be invited to complete a short customer satisfaction survey about the girls’ performance at the end. No cameras or video cameras of any kind will be allowed in. However, those customers who pay for their private time with one of the girls will receive a complimentary 7 x 5 inches glossy picture of their sweet darling smiling and in an attractive yes printable pose without the need for a parental guidance certificate and this will come complete with a personal message and her signature, even if the latter may be just a cross. Photo albums of the girls in sensual and artistic poses will be available on line and customers will be able to choose from a number of pictures. These will be dispatched with a personal thank you note from the girl in question. Mobile phones will be banned and lockers will be provided for their safe storage when on site. For emergencies a coin operated public telephone will be available on each floor but the maximum time allowed will be three minutes per call after which the line will be disconnected automatically. Each call will cost 100 baht and paid with a blue token. Once a year the top five girls with the highest number of votes received from their customers who remain currently employed at Nana will receive one week sojourn all expenses paid for them and up to three members of their immediate family in either Pukhet or another Thai island of their choice. Tips will be allowed but again no money will be handled by the girls. Instead happy customers will be able to buy one or more yellow tokens valued at 250 baht each. The cumulative value of these tokens will not be given to the performer immediately but instead safely set aside into her personal pension plan payable when she reaches the age of 55. The value of their personal pension plan will be updated regularly and shown in their wages slip paid directly in their bank account at end of the month. Individual plans will be mainly cash based to limit losses and they will only have a maximum of 20% exposure to the equities market. Use of Ya ba or shabu and other long term damaging drugs will be discouraged and girls tested positive will undertake a rehabilitation programme. Some drugs may be exempted but only if issued on medical grounds and verified by a credible prescription, these may include administrations to address erectile dysfunction. From the age of 40, the performers will have the option to become trainers and teach the other girls. If they wish to continue working, they will be taxed at 33%. In order to qualify as trainer they will need to show competence in both customer service and English. If asked to act as mentors by their mentees, they will be entitled to 0.5% of their net earnings and this will include assistance to the younger recruits when exchanging correspondence with potential sponsors. In turn, sponsors will be vetted too as to ensure that they can provide a higher standard of living to the one which the performer is accustomed too. A sin sot of 1.5 million baht will be payable by those sponsors who wish to marry their little darlings and the money will be transferred into an off shore trust account and then paid in reasonable monthly instalments to the family of the now married girl. Sponsors will also have to guarantee an annual return ticket to their new Thai wives so that they can return to their homeland to visit their parents for three weeks. Short time rooms will be provided on the third level and times available will be one hour of multiples of one hour with the standard hourly fee being 2,000 baht. Rooms will be equipped with panic emergency buttons and video cameras. Upon exit, the girl, not the customer, will enter a three digit code to erase all recording. This will ensure the safety of the girls while in the room and full discretion for both after the deed is done. However, customers will have the opportunity, if they so wish, to enjoy a “once only view” of their performance on a 60 inches plasma screen mounted on the wall of customised mini cinema rooms located in the Nana’s basements. This will attract a modest fee of 500 baht with all proceeds going to the Nana school programme outlined earlier on. The maximum daily quota per girl will be 4 hours daily and each girl will have 5 days off per month when inconvenienced by her menstrual cycle. There will be also a number of spin offs including the launch of an exclusive Nana’s lingerie line, which despite worn by size 8 or 10 Nana girls, will be aimed at all women because deep down all women can rediscover their inner beauty at any age and garments will be available on line in any size. The lingerie will be promoted on local TV stations and modelled by those cute vixens of Issan under slogans such as “Beauty is skin deep” or “Black or White is all beautiful" and for those most daring there will be a few erotic garments labelled “Darksaurus…naughty but nice” the point of this will be to make dark complexion socially acceptable to all even Thai nationals. The result of these changes, once the voice spreads of how the girls are treated at Nana, will have the effect of bankrupting the Arab in Soi Cowboy and the only alternative available to him will be to recruit foreign girls, which in turn will attract the attention of the Immigration Department with inevitable consequences for all concerned but he will not see this coming until some zealous boys in brown will appear unannounced with a view to arrest him. He will be publicly handcuffed, paraded along a stretch of the lower Sukhumvit Road at Songkran with locals and passers by throwing rotten fruit at him and water while wishing him “Happy New Year”. He will then be deported once and for all and asked to walk barefoot along a stretch in Cambodia designated as a landmine area. In due course Tilac, Baccara and similar venues will be bought by Nana. No plans for floating on the Thai stock exchange will be entertained because the new Nana operation will be set up as a social enterprise. Now if you will excuse me, so many things to do and so little time” and with that he said goodbye.
Brothers, I hope you will believe me when I tell you that apart from being exhausted after hearing all these changes, which I thankfully recorded word by word so that they could be faithfully reproduced in written format for posterity, I was completely smitten by these innovative proposals and I should add that before I could ask any questions he showed me his plans for a pedestrianised soi 4 and I also saw a revamped entrance to Nana Plaza through which everyone alive and able to move unaided would have to walk through. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, because of the true genius of this fellow brother, it was a reproduction in resin of a shaved pussy. In the long term, plans to do something similar in Walking Street, Pattaya will be considered too.
Before leaving, he handed me his new business card, in purple background, the imperial Roman colour of victory, and with gold letters embossed in Times Roman capitals. Upon returning to my condo, I showed it to my sweetheart and she was so proud of me that she wanted to get so close and personal with me without delay and I obliged because I love her. Since then his card rests on my bedside cabinet near the Christian cross to which I direct my evening prayers hoping to find some night time inspiration for more good deeds from time to time. I am both thankful and also relieved that there will always be a Nana. In the dark, the gold letters seem to produce a little a warm glow and they read: DANA’s NANA.
A fine first up submission. I hope that you have the time and inclination to put some more together.