Readers' Submissions

Letter from Somchai in Farangland

  • Written by Yards
  • September 15th, 2011
  • 7 min read

Dear Mr Stickman,

My name is Somchai and I am from Thailand and have been travelling around to many Farang countries looking at all the sights and seeing how the people live. I am now in Australia after visiting New Zealand on my way home. I read your site every day and see that a lot of people have things to say about the best country in the world; of course I mean Thailand. It just seems that some of them do not see it or understand this. Now I would like make some comments about Farangland.

Why do Farangs like to show how rich their country is by having all that wasted space called a footpath or a pavement everywhere and spend so much time, energy and money cleaning it and it hardly gets used? In Bangkok we have them as well but we make it pay for itself by having stalls on it. This helps the money go around. When I ask farang here, why everything costs so much, then they always mention the cost of rent of shop. When I say, move out and have shop on footpath, low rent or no rent, they look at me strange. Why? It would save money as footpath already paid for, so no costs so price of everything can come down. Big wasters.

Talking of waste, why do farang like to throw everything in rubbish bin and then send to tip and either burn it, or cover it with dirt. Why not let poorer people go through it and see what they can get so they can get some money and help recycle some of it? Even the rubbish man not allowed doing it. Farang must be very rich to waste all this. Big wasters.

Why when police stop you for doing wrong and write out big paperwork, take long time, and then you cannot pay them? Why Government not trust them to handle money and cash? Save a lot of time rather than having to go to police station and pay cash, or write out cheque and post it snail mail and then they have to wait to get their money. In Thailand we give fines straight to Officer Catch You; it saves time and money. Farangs big time wasters.

Why when get in lift everybody hang back and ask lady to go first; maybe like to look them from behind like dirty old man. Then when it stops they want to let lady out first then they want to walk fast or run to make up time. Why not go first out of lift if time is precious. Farang big time wasters.

Why cannot governments put water washer in public toilets? They waste money on paper, make people use too much, people can steal it, help block drains up, when they could save money by just having water washer and no one steal water. Farang big money waster.

Why farang keep secret that tattoos keep you warm. When I am in Farangland, always see people with tattoos no have sleeves in shirt. I realize this must be secret way they keep warm; maybe ink from tattoos warm up the blood. This also lets them pay less for shirt with no sleeves so they can even wear this type in cold winter weather. Now maybe I understand why big fat farang in Pattaya like to walk around with no shirt on. I remember that most of these people have tattoos so I now think maybe they are too hot in Asia with all those tattoos so have to take shirts off to cool them. Farang not nice, no share this secret with Thailand.

Why farang like to toot horn all the time when drive car. When they toot the horn everybody turns around or looks and takes eyes off road, it can help other people have accident. If other car annoys you, better to just cut in front of him, cut him off, no toot horn, still piss him off. Let him toot his horn, use more petrol for him and maybe help him have accident and problem. Farang no think properly.

Why in their own country do farang when talking to Asians like to talk loud and then when we no answer them back immediately, why they repeat same thing with louder voice: they think we are deaf. Farang are funny.

Now I would especially like to make some comments on the female species here in Farangland just as some of your readers do about my sisters back home.

When I go to clubs and bars and friends introduce me as Thai man. Farang lady like this, ask me why farang man like to go Asia, play with Thai lady? Ask me, what I think. I tell them it is good because after Thai lady go with farang they realize how good Thai man is to pleasure them. This is best pick up line I ever have. You can see the little smile in their eyes when they hear this, makes them think and know that farang man not good enough for them and now they may have a good Thai man here to pleasure them. This is best pick up line I ever learn so now I tell my friends, Sombat, Somchart, Sompun and Somtum and they even start to use this line at Spasso and Supper Club and it work for them as well in Bangkok.

Why when farang lady go back to her place with me, always want to eat. They big enough already but all want to get food to take home. I learn to smile and say ok, which you want, Hamburger, Pizza, Fish and Chips or Souvlaki. One night Big Cheryl (told me to call her Chez) so Big Chez looks at me after me asking her this question and she smiles and says ok and then gets all four things. I nearly fall asleep before she can finish all of them and then she wants me to start with her. I know farang complain about Thai sister smells like chili and garlic and fish sauce, so let me tell them I like that better than smell of onion from hamburger or cheese from pizza. Actually big Chez help me as after I thought we finish, she decides she needs more and gets on top of me. This actually helps me to get flat stomach for next four weeks as cannot eat properly so lose some weight.

Why farang lady must be loud, yell and scream so loud when finish happy, maybe not used to be happy with man. With Thai lady she no loud, she know not to make noise as man want to enjoy his happy too, not to go deaf from her noise. Farang big noisy.

Why farang man go to club and hope to have good night with lady, he must drink so much beer and stuff first. Are they shy or do they know before start they will not meet lady. Farang big drinker.

Why farang man complain my Thai sister cost too much money in Bangkok. I take farang lady out just once: she sends me poor. Want to have drinks before dinner, order big meals and have expensive wine and then finish it all and then want more drinks after dinner. When we get back to her place (never go mine I save money on small room, they probably not fit through door or would break bed) she is drunk. I spend a lot of money to have pleasure with drunken leg of lamb. Thai lady know not to do this or else Thai man scold her and maybe give her “playful slap” on body so she never do this twice. Here lady seem to do all the time.

No more for me, now I go Thai style. I go to club and get Pepsi for me, if lady want drink they buy for themselves, just like Thai lady with Thai man in Bangkok. When farang tells you story about how much he spend on lady and she no good to him, I laugh. Then he sends money for car or uncle’s heart attack or sick buffalo: I laugh more. Funny when in Farangland no farang lady asked me for money for father or mother, or sick brother or sick dog. Why farang man pay for Thai lady for sick family when he no do it back home in Farangland with farang lady?

Now I think to go home to Bangkok, as I decide if I not like Farangland better to leave and go home, it is not good for me to stay somewhere and complain about all the things there as I cannot change them; it really only affects me and my brain.

Cheers from Somchai Goodtimeinaucklandkup.


Stickman's thoughts:

Wonderful, and all the more so because so much of it rings true!