The Virgin Game
Her window pops up for our first instant message online, the pic is good, there's just one, but it's great. 21 years old, appears to be Chinese with white skin and profile is well worded…maybe too well. I'm curious to know who wrote it.
She's into 30 – 50 year old dudes…humm, okay I'll play along, her English is not complete garbage, she might actually have something interesting to say.
"How r u? What u job? How long u stay Thai? U like Thai girl?". Okay maybe not… It's the same old tired qualifying questions I've fielded a thousand times before. But she claims to be able to speak English better than she can read or type. Hey that is different. I wonder what bar and how many playboy / payboys she learned her vocabulary from..
My usual barrage of hammering interrogation begins. But in a subtle and gentle Thai style.
"How long have you been single and cheating…ummm sorry, chatting on TLL?"
"Me start today, u first farang".
"Jing a", I say.
"Jing Jing, me not lie u".
Okay, we shall see. But according to your membership number and with my superior calculating farang math sense, I'd say you have been a member from about high school in 2008, but I don't say that, I'm sure she has a good reason to wait for a special guy like me to come along…
I'd really be up for Thailovelinks to offer information to paying customers like how many active chat sessions the girls average a month. But I guess that wouldn't serve the majority's interests.
Her nickname is Fib, Jib, baby, honey, sweety, darling sugar lips…does it really matter? Her online handle will likely change a dozen times to suit her mood during her online presence… For Now let's just call her WTF (Weird Thai Fee-male) and start this chess game.
"So WTF, how long have you been single lady, when did you finish with your last bf"?"
"Me no ever bf", came her response after a few minutes…
Instantly responding, "Umm, WTF, excuse me, are you saying you are a virgin per say?"
"Yes, me good Thai girl, me no have man".
Oh wow, let me translate that into reality, you are getting stuffed fast and frequent every night, perhaps your gig is servicing you right now while you snicker and mock the newest idiot.
"Oh my dear Buddha, have you never kissed a man?"
"Ever kiss a man true I not lie u"'
Okay so The Virgin Game it is, I've played before, it might be good for some shits and giggles.
At this point there is no need grooming her for days or weeks before we meet. Neither of us want that burden. Of course I will just be like her gay friend and listen to her problems, gossip about boys at the beauty parlor, shop for shoes and buy her that latest mobile she craves and all for the pleasure of smelling her hair and an occasional quick hug at the taxi stand…I can wait till she is in love and ready for me.
"Oh WTF, you have a free day today, you are lonely and bored with no plans, how about I just hop in a taxi and meet you now?"
"ok, you can come The Mall Bangkapi, u know?"
"Yes, I will find out, no problem".
In actuality I've been there at least a dozen times to eat overpriced food at the likes of MK restaurant.
Shower, shave, set the stage, I'm out the door in 30 minutes.
Grab the first taxi that comes along.
"the mall Bangkapi my good man, ramming speed please".
"Okay, okay, I know", he claims.
Ahh the sanctuary of air-con and frosted windows and time to recover and dry the sweat from my brow. I'll start the SMS texts now, knowing that the meeting place at the mall still hasn't been completely understood and breaking it down like a fraction and redundancy being the key to clarity with young Thai girls, I'll be lucky if she isn't an hour late, even though she lives 5 minutes away from the place.
I'm not quite paying attention to the driver, his car is a tired model, he's grinding gears, useless lane changes and I make the mistake to assume he is competent and I was understood. His English is some of the best I've had and when I question him on the route he is taking, he addresses my concerns with a confident.."I know, I live near the mall Bangkapi, no problem I know short way".
Humm, then why in the last dozen times has every driver went down Sukhumvit soi 71 from Phrakhanong BTS? Oh well, I shouldn't make a fuss, maybe he will explode in a murderous rage if I question his knowledge of Bangkok. This silly face thing isn't worth the trouble.
We are going down Rama 4 road and after we cross Asoke and get to Sathorn Road, I call WTF.
"Umm, sorry but WTF, I think we are going the wrong way and it looks like I'm going to be a little late, would you be a peach and confirm with my driver Charles Bronson from Death Wish fame that it appears we might be a tad off course". I don't really say that, but she talks to him .
Sure enough, it's my fault, I'm stupid, I don't say it correctly, I have funny accent in Thai.
Okay, no worries, I planned for this, we start heading for the express way..45 baht, 25and 30 baht later and we are off the tolls and onto some side streets, apparently close to The Mall Bang Kapi, which I've just listened to a 10 minutes tutorial on how to say it so a retard could understand it.
"No No, you wrong it is The Mall, Bang CAA-PEE, say it like that, not Bang Capi, but Bang CAh_Pee".
Okay, whatever. But Bang Kapi and Bang Kare or Bang Care sound nothing alike to me. Its an accent thing I realize that now, but how the hell, did the other drivers go directly there with a smidgen of his English skills before? Ok don't question it much…I'm being scammed, hopefully I'll get there alive and not rolled in some Bang Cap Piss soi.
He shows me his English book that he studies in his spare time, and pops in the accompanying CD.
Slowly the English phrase, "how old are your parents" comes across loud and clear, and then the Thai translation I'm assuming follows shorty there after.
This is maddening, I'm not smiling, I'm trying but it comes across more as a grimace.
There are storm clouds brewing and they look loaded and angry. the sky is black and grey and we are heading right into what looks like the finger of god in a factor 5 tornado.
"Oh it is going to rain traffic will be bad soon". he says, sensing his delight.
Oh no shit, I'm thinking that will be good for exploiting the next farang you target.
Then he points to the clouds and asks me how to spell and say it.
"You say cluw?"
Deep breaths buddy, keep your poop in a group, you could easily garrote him with your shoelaces, but where would that leave you, he isn't worth it. The meter reads about 250 baht, plus the 100 in tolls, this is already about 250 baht over what it usually costs to go there and we are lost again. Another u turn, and I ask him how many more Kilometers.
"3 more km, the mall is there".
He points into a random direction and I nod, oh well only about 25 minutes late for the meet, not too shabby, we might just meet up simultaneously.
Of course she wasn't there waiting for me, they rarely are. Instead she is scoping me from an elevated position and sizing me up, perhaps with backup. Yah, I know, I'm cynical, but only the paranoid survive dating in Bangkok.
Okay, I'm a little pissed and no time to fully transform into Mr. Wonderful Smile. The cab cost me close to 400 baht, but after all, I'm a rich farang and that is nothing to me…I tip drivers more than that in my country. The fact is I'm not rich, I don't tip more than 10% unless I'm angling for a waitresses digits, but I won't admit that to her.
She is wearing a tasteful red dress and I'm wearing a classy Skull T-shirt and Nike Airs and naturally faded and ripped jeans…She won't know the difference between fashion and function.
I look little from my profile photos of three years ago, a few extra pounds and ounces of hair lighter. I'm not a mess, I'm still keeping my shit together for a dude pushing 50 and being never married, no kids and little worries, I'm okay, I've seen worse. I can pull off 40.
It's fair, she don't look as hot as her single pic either. She looks about 26 and when I hear her speak and move around, it's not hard to figure out her game. She's been here before many times, interviewing potential sponsors. The English is just a little too good, the life story is safe, no obvious trauma admitted. She's not the prototypical virgin type, that's for damn sure. The talk is fluff, she occasionally flashes a micro-expression of disappointment when she realizes this isn't the usual fresh of the plane farang she would prefer. She knows that I know.
We picked the Hot Pot place, serve your own face, all you can eat. I was there a couple of days earlier with another skinny tale of woe. So I know the drill. I'll stuff her with food and maybe stuff her at my place later. There isn't really a lot of things to do or places to go during a rain torrent mid week in Bangkok. Seems the only exercise is sprinting from heat to air-con to rain, repeat.
The talk is autopilot now. I'm looking for indicators of interest on her part. What does that look mean, was that a genuine smile and tight chuckle? She is attempting ingratiating conversation, it's okay, I'm not above a little pak wan thrown my way. But don't expect me to really believe it. I'm not getting by on my model good looks lately, and unless she has a masters degree in English, I'm probably not going to dazzle her with witticisms.
In fact I'm trying really hard to keep my mouth shut, God forbid something I'm thinking really slips out. I'll let her ramble on a while, maybe some useful intel will leak out about her plans for me. She is careful to not get caught examining the prey…albeit, not that careful. A tiger knows another tiger when they see them. She could be really 30, her tells are showing, she is lying about every second sentence, I just gaze into her eyes like a love struck fool and play dumb. All those years studying body language and lying and interrogation are really paying off since I started dating. I smile. She thinks it because I want her.
She is in trance mode now, waiting for my telegraphs, horny eyes, something to show she is in control. I'm without desire, I good care less how this turns out. I could get out of here for less than a thousand baht and help myself to a fantasy later. She is likely too much trouble, but WTF, I'll pitch her on the idea of going back to my room anyway.
Calculating, she sorts through the offer and takes about 2 seconds to agree. We grab a cab, she gives directions and starts chatting up the young buff driver instantly. In fact he is the youngest and hippest cab driver I've ever seen in LOS. She doesn't let up, I don't know what they are saying but they are certainly enjoying their conversation. Email addys are exchanged, Facebook details and phone numbers are scratched and shuffled into purses and pockets. They're oblivious to my presence.
Not acting the way I would expect a shy and nervous virgin to appear.
We get back to my soi, as we pull up to my building, I tell her that I want to stay alone, I'm not feeling that well now, and that she should just go back home with her new best friend. WTF can't believe it. I'm actually blowing her off. I'm serious as a heart attack. Perhaps she has overestimated my patience to comply and be a good boy. I push 200 baht into her hand and she greedily accepts but still only gives handsome hack 100 and jumps out the cab spewing sorry over and over telling me he is a freelance graphic designer as if that makes any difference to me… She has his contact info, he'll probably be waiting outside for her later . He knows what's going on.
So she hasn't even entered my room and we have already had our first spat. This is better than expected, and I've always found it fascinating how hard a women will try to gain my acceptance if I show my annoyance at a legitimate grievance…I seek them out. Shows them right out of the gate, I'm not soft, and if they don't want that, then next, cancel, delete and block me. I'm too old to entertain bullshit from girls with little more than rice and ribbons on the brain.
We are in the middle game now. We are approaching the spiders lair.
She comes in and sits close to me, begging for forgiveness. Yah, I like where this is going, I'm not even thinking about sex. I want her to twist in the wind and dangle on the rope before I cut her loose. I grant forgiveness shortly, I'm not malicious after all, and she moves in close for the makeup kiss. It's just okay, but there is no signs from nature begging her to straighten something out for me. The body language demonstrates, I could move on to more, but at what cost of energy? That's the question I need answered, what's in it for her?. Until that's answered, I'm not going to show my hand and give her the satisfaction and ego strokes that she is driving me crazy. She's expecting me to grind her like a school boy and request release at any cost. Nope. She will be denied. This is all about finding out her game. I want her to spell it out.
So I was really surprised, it just didn't seem like she was so enthralled with her first ever kiss. A shame really that it was with a guy who had only 5 minutes earlier smoked a Marlboro and chased it with Listerine. I wonder if she found that intoxicating and if that took her breath away? I don't need to ask. It never does. But it does establish she is a whore and fails the test. I'm a bad man, and I don't want to be with a girl that would put up with a smoker and not say something about it and complain a little. This game is getting boring. Maybe I'm an asshole but the goal really has always been to find love…if that exists. If I can't find true love, then lust is a close second. Then comes a convenient gig and last on the list is a paid girl…business, simple and honest.
This is business for her, but it's not the open and honest type. Maybe this act works on the average stooge, but I'm ready for bed, alone.
Then the MSN window appears and it just happens to be the last girl I kicked out of my room for bad acting. And what a coincidence, this one is also 21 and on the first date claimed to be a virgin too. What's the odds huh? Thailand seems to have this endless pattern of strange occurrence and make me give my head a shake and say WTF. Am I just dreaming up this shit, am I still in my bed in Canada dreaming about slim brown sex machines, young enough to be my daughters, fighting over a chance to meet me? Lets call this new player G6 for clarity purposes.
The two faux virgins are chatting now furiously in Thai. They are more interested in each others position and hold over me, then they are in me. G6 is jealous, even though I made it clear many times, I'm done, It's over. Well, at least until she can convince me she can become a better actor. Some tears might be nice to show she really cares. She's not jealous of WTF, she's annoyed that she won't be making shopping money again.
G6 has been working me for about 8 months online and we met about10 times last year face to face. G6 said she loved me on date 4 and called me Babe day one. I wonder who taught her that sweet word? She actually thinks babe and baby are pronounced the same way…so cute.
There is no use asking her for the truth, that's never going to happen. Of course she never would have sex with anyone while I'm away in my country shuffling along with few options. She just goes to school and is one of 4 girls in a class of 48. And she is smoking hot. You can see that in 1 second, she's every guys type. She doesn't like Thai guys. Oh of course not, they are just throwing themselves at her at any opportunity, she needn't fuss over silly things like doing homework or learning how to fix her own computer or buy her own lunch. She has a legion of hydrant sniffers to do her bidding. She can call them at any time day or night and they will jump out of a coma to have a chance to smell her morning breath. They seem happy to listen to her petty problems with beauty issues and want nothing in return.
Although they do get something out of it. She's completely unaware that she is high on their masturbation Rolodex in smello-vision just waiting for a weak moment to pounce and gorilla pound her.. However, because of the fact that she isn't on the same page, she assumes they don't want that either. She is the unattainable fantasy obsession. They are her minions and doesn't consider herself an opportunist in the least.
She wants a farang, we are the blonds with the big tits and bad attitude in this country…and it's pointless to try too hard. It's enough that we are with them and they can gain status from our mere presence. A little money goes a long way for our honey. As the old clique goes, No Money, No Horny.
The way these Thai girls see it is that every farang in the world is mad for them, falling in love after the first kiss, willing to send them money every month for some webcam moments and sweet lies. How else could they possibly see it? It's the only experience they have with farangs. What she doesn't know is that the vast majority of dudes that have never traveled to Thailand are not into them at all. Many of my friends think she looks like a mongoloid…but .to me, she is hotter than Jessica Alba and Angie Jolie combined. Try explaining that to a Thai girl with honey skin, luscious lips, over-sized natural breasts that defy gravity on a slim frame. It's not going to last forever but at only 21 gravity isn't her main concern yet. Her cousins and male classmates have drilled into her from day one that she is ugly. She is too dark, too skinny, lips too big, and boobs too fat. they consider beauty vampire white. The shape of the flesh or cellulite pouring out isn't a concern. A white meat bomb is our version of beer goggles…
She pitched me on the virgin game and the family support on the first date. She was ready to get back to my room sooner than I was. What a good girl she was, barely after 3 hours from our first moments online chatting and here she was back in my room giving me a sloppy mouth hug. Yeah, she's adorable. And the second date I didn't even have to ask her, she showed up in my room sitting next to me on the bed as I slept, I woke up in terror checking to see if I still had all my parts intact and thinking WTF is this. How did you get into my building and my room? How long have you been sitting there staring at me!!!?
After the initial shock wore off, I was shown some brochures on the latest electronics she was interested in. Talking dictionaries, cameras, smart phones, IPads, Laptops and puppy dog eyes waiting for my scraps. She doesn't see how 1,000 baht for taxi money is just coy prostitution. She doesn't understand that I know that 30 baht on the BTS and 20 on the MRT gets her home faster. The other 950 baht is just because I am her bf now and I love her after 2 dates. Sure she isn't a bargirl, she doesn't go to pubs, see works the internet and social networks.
So what's in it for her, lets do the math. If she worked as a waitress 12 hours a day she is taking home 300 baht, so 900 baht is 3 days pay…humm, not bad money then to laze around watching TV, playing Farmville, eating and staring at me like I have two heads when I try to explain the simplest things. She doesn't even need to talk or do laundry and cook, she is a princess…nice gig if you can find it. Wish I could find it with a gigolo gig, with some lady that doesn't totally repulse me. Problem is that I can't fake a boner and don't trust the Viagra they sell on Sukumnspit.
But in her defense, it is possible I'm her first farang guy. I search the website for the newest members and show interest to all and sit back and wait. It's like fishing. I toss the runts back in the water. Girls that are paying for the site or who contact me before I show interest, are suspect. If I really want to up my chances of responses from the hottest babes, I would throw in the keyword, "generous". However I stopped that long ago. Everything is simple and light in my profile now…nothing negative or too honest. They don't want that. And of course, I'm honest and loyal and not a butterfly or want sex…no man in his right mind has ever said otherwise. We are all saints. Girls that make a point of telling me how honest they are I dismiss as liars. Truly honest individuals don't need to explain.
She liked the fact that I showed interest without seeing a pic and that her profile claimed her appearance as below average. The height and weight info was enough to make me curious and wait for pics later. I wasn't disappointed when the photos finally arrived, Jackpot…untouched by offers and promises of marriage. Lets guilt her out and get her profile deleted jet quick is mission important and paramount.
She won me over with her pithy word salad to love her, love her family and thought I was impressed that she was a 3rd year physics major at a mediocre university. Perhaps she is impressed with my job and education but without her special features and beauty I could care little if she was the Prime Minister with an MBA. Funny how that works. She isn't translating physics formulas from English into Thai because she wants to be a scientist, her dream is to be an airline hostess. School is just to appease the family and resume fodder.
She wouldn't be getting many research grants and not much work would get done in the laboratory anyway, she'd just be a distraction trying to hide her rack in a tight white lab coat.
So the two virgins are fighting now, the text is flying faster than a bulls tail at fly time. WTF is translating with bias and extreme prejudice.
"She talk bad to me, she not good girl".
"She say you are bad man u only want sex".
Oh so that is why she hasn't stop phoning me 59 times an hour pleading for forgiveness and another chance? She doesn't like bad men, but she likes clothes, shoes and gadgets of status enough to put up with my faults.
This goes on for about another hour, the same words in a different order expecting different results. At least I don't have to talk and I can watch the same TV show I've seen about 38 times on the non UBC channels…I gaze mesmerized and glued to the tube.
The two of them are starting a love affair it seems. This is a night for fights with strangers. If they aren't having sex together at least they can stir up some emotional drama and stay interested.
I lay down of the bed and nod off. Soon she is next to me laying beside me and stroking my chest and 1-pack.
'What do you think about me", she says.
"I think you should go home, it's getting late and I'm on my period and my mouth is sore, I have a headache so I don't feel like sex tonight". The humor is lost on her.
"Why you mad at me?"
"No, I enjoy the company of canny little gold diggers", I say with a sarcastic smile
"thank you I think you are gold too", she purrs.
She starts to leave after taking another 100 baht for taxi. I pretend I forget that she already had been given that before in the taxi. I just want her out. I don't need to take this any further, it's not going to be much better than my loving and loyal lazy hand. It won't be disappointing with a premature release. She won't be able to claim I got her drunk and only wanted sex, there was no mention of sex since the first few minutes on MSN. Clean break, lets' stay friends, talk to you soon, take care, miss you, bye bye, good luck.
Early next morning the text comes on SMS.
"Sorry I lie to you me not virgin me sex bf 2 years me shy to say no good girl".
"And", I reply.
"I can have sex with you but need money for school I know not good to say u lose money no fair".
I'll bite, "so how much money do you need for school every month, what do you think is fair for me".?This is my favorite part, I get to see the words, she's on the record.
"Umm, 3,000 or 5,000 first time and 15,000 baht for month u ok?"
I don't respond, I go on a lunch date and watch a movie and turn off my phone. The minute I turn it back on the phone doesn't stop ringing so I turn it off again. When I arrive home the MSN window is open and she is waiting.
''Why you not answer me I call you many times is your girlfriend there?"
I explain that I didn't want to do time in jail for talking on the phone during a standing ovation at the cinema before the movie started…and she's not my girlfriend.
'What you think my SMS u?"
"Well honestly I think 1,000 baht is fair for the first time and I would never buy a car without seeing it and taking if for a test drive".
"Up to you no sincere", came her final reply.
How quickly they become fickle.
Seems to be a very accurate depiction of what you find online….