Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 300

  • Written by Dana
  • July 30th, 2011
  • 6 min read


I'M GETTING MARRIED

I'm getting married. Release the doves and blow on the bugles, or in Thailand; release the soi dogs and . . . ok, I'm getting married. Fa and I are getting married. That's right. You heard correctly. The last cog has finally fallen into place and the wheel has turned. Or something.

Anyway, Fa and I are getting married. If you are a Dana fan you know that every morning at 9:15 for ten years I have been picking up my Fa on the Pattaya boardwalk across from Soi 13/0 where I live at the A. A. Hotel. Get there any morning around 9:00 a. m. and look up at the fourth floor pool terrace and you will see me leaning over the metal handrail looking for Fa. Anyway, ten years: no big smile from her, no conversation from her, identical sex each time, etc. I guess I'm just lucky. Once I pretended to give her only twenty baht for her services. I thought it would be a fun thing and something we could laugh about and bond over later. Her face went dark, very dark. I never did that again. Fa is deep water. Anyway, I almost digress. Fa, my beautiful Fa, and I are getting married.

I asked her to marry me and she said Yes. Then a verbal dam burst and she started talking:

1. I will be required to pay her 5000 baht per day for lost income.

2. The sin sot will be 400,000 baht–all in 500 baht bills, plus a size large Hermes crocodile purse filled with gold. Also a tinted window four door sedan Benz. The license will say LICKME. She is not going to give up her business which she has been building since age 14. I respect her so much for this. She's a modern woman.

3. A hansum young Thai male will stand in for me at the wedding in her home town of Suckburi. My presence will not be required.

4. We will live in a three bedroom apartment in the Royal Cliff Garden part of Pattaya. I will sleep on the balcony. Twice a week Fa's 'brother' will come over and sleep in her bed with her. Family ties are important in the Kingdom and I so respect that. She will have all of the closets and I will have a hatrack for clothes. I think you can see from all of this detail that Fa has been imagining us as a married couple for a long time. God bless Thais, and Thai culture, and Buddha bless my Fa. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

5. She will walk twenty-five feet behind me on the street. A woman has her 'face' to consider. I totally endorse this.

6. I will not be allowed near her two year old daughter. Her daughter has been told that all farangs are pigs and I am totally ok with this. I am sure mom knows best.

7. Her lawyer will have pre-printed legal documents drawn up accusing me of various marital and other crimes. All he will have to do is fill in the dates if Fa directs him to. I believe a marriage has to have clearly defined limits so I accept this. God I love Thailand.

8. We will not have any sex. We are married now. Asking for sex can get me thrown in the 'monkey house'. Hey, is this the greatest country in the world or what?

9. My Fa, my beautiful Fa, is not going to cook or do housework. A crippled Burmese slave girl will do all of that. She will sleep in a cardboard box on the floor.

10. She, my Fa, will carry a 45 caliber Glock handgun in a shoulder holster. If I come near her, smile at her daughter, or talk too mutt she will shoot me. Ok, fairly warned. Ask yourself this question. Would your wife care enough about important matters to shoot you? I'm a lucky man.

Ok, it's a list; but also it's a list I can live with. A recipe for marital happiness. It's all about the love. Fa and I are getting married. I have asked Fa to marry me and she has said Yes. At least I think she said Yes–I don't speak Thai. I could not be happier. Don't hate me because I am the luckiest man in the world. It can also happen to you. Spend ten years with a brainless unloving whore and it could happen to you. Go to the boardwalk and look for your future. But stay away from Fa. Fa is mine.

Oh sure, there are some critics. People have pointed out to me that I have not received one genuine smile from Fa in ten years. Observers have pointed out that Fa has never not once invited me over to her apartment to meet her daughter. Friends have noted that Fa has never spent one 'long time' with me. All fluff. You don't spend ten years picking up a whore every morning because there is nothing there. I think we can all agree on that. Guys are just jealous that I managed to scoop Fa up first.

Anything else? A few things. Details. If you ever come to visit us I will be wearing wool gloves, a coyote fur hat, and industrial ear protectors. Why? You know why. The TV will be at maximum volume and the air-conditioning will be at maximum coldness. Anyway, I know what you are thinking reading this. You are thinking:

"Sweet Jesus on a cracker Dana. How did you ever hook up with Fa? She is so wonderful she does not even sound human. She sounds like a Thai angel who has been sent down from Thai heaven to give you life."

Right on brother. Oh, and one more thing. As a part of the marriage contract my 18,000 specimen 25 year collection of beetles will be thrown out.

Fa: Beetles are for eating, not for looking at you stupid farang. Me: Yes dear.

Of course she is correct. My twenty-five years of catching, mounting, researching and labeling beetles for science and personal pleasure from all over the world now looks like juvenilia of the most selfish and superficial kind. I'm embarrassed. My Fa is a serious person.

Note: one of my beetle 'finds' was named after the Dana Fan Club and another one of my beetle discoveries was monikered in Latin for the Church of Dana. But don't bother emailing me for additional information–once I marry Fa I will not be allowed to have hobbies, or express ideas. And that is the way it should be. God I love Thai culture.

Anyway, I am getting married to Fa. My future is so bright I have to wear sunglasses. Wedding details to follow. Everyone is invited.

Sincerely yours,
Happy happy Dana


Stickman's thoughts:

The legend finally gets the long rest he deserves.

Thank you, Dana, for all of the entertainment you have provided us over the years. I promise I will never ask you to come out of retirement again!