Readers' Submissions

Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part 299

  • Written by Dana
  • July 23rd, 2011
  • 11 min read


A QUOTE CONTEST — PART ONE

Attn: Stickmanites and Danaites

I have been threatening to do this for years. Finally Stickman has cut loose some money for prizes so it is going to happen. So you need to send your results to him and he will notify you regarding prizes and prize mailing procedures. Anyway, here is the deal: below are sixty-nine quotes from Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes stories and essays, etc. Simply identify the Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes Part # and/or the title (Ex: Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 77: Acceptance and Happiness and Love) and enter the contest. So if you remember those magic words: FLAMING DOG BOUNCEBACK this may be just the thing for you.

Note: a lot of Stickmanites wanted the prize for a perfect score (69 out of 69) to be a handshake from me while I make eye contact with you. Come on. Please. What are you thinking? Grab the reigns. Anyway: enjoy.

1. "I felt like a mouse in a room with a cat."

2. "The next thing I know I am drilled in the back by a hot stream of hooker urine."

3. " . . . 1000 pounds of sex in a 79 pound body."

4. ", some other dog is nailing the poodle from the Emporium with the perfumed ass. "

5. " . . . too messy and unattractive to have a penis in the marmalade."

6. " . . . the First Class hostesses will wear duct tape and dog collars."

7. " . . . ow ow, yum yum, boom boom . . . "

8. "His testosterone was up and his mistress was waiting down river."

9. "We'll charter sixty 747 airplanes and go as a group."

10. "She had registered him but he had calculated her."

11. "Her name is Ba Na Da Wa Ma La Ra Pa Lan Ran Bee."

12. " . . . to the Siamese sultan of the Kubla Khan whose pink coral castle guarded the Sundra Strait."

13. "Pretend you are counting flies on the ceiling girls. Cheap Charlie just landed."

14. "At night I have an elephant–tail flashing red light strapped to my ass."

15. "My name is Rathsudakhemarapawarin which in Thai means 'Feminine Virgin Butterfly' but you can call me Tits."

16. "30,000 farangs against 5000 bargirls. Even odds."

17. "The powder will witness the night."

18. "Melted roofing tar fell like black napalm rain."

19. "Beside me on the seat was my mother's blood."

20. "She was squatting by the side of the road and rubbing vasoline on a soi dog's balls."

21. "One thousand war elephants and eighty thousand Burmese infantry were pouring through the pass."

22. "These women were so big it was like riding a bicycle into a tunnel."

23. "Spiderman pajamas with pussy hole? No ploblum kind sir."

24. "I am small and the teddy bear is huge."

25. "Men on horses are blowing bugles."

26. "Dicks will be examined at the door by gap toothed mamasans."

27. " . . . like two old fishermen staring at a lights blazing luxury liner going by. "

28. "Women throw sex at men like farmers throw corn to pigs."

29. "Sometimes sex is not enough."

30. " . . . winners from other cultures . . . "

31. "The only things that count are chaos and anarchy and violence and sex."

32. "There was now a big black snake under the bed and it had Japanese eyes."

33. "Sitting on the crapper he could feel the presence of a colored snake draped over the toilet tank behind him."

34. "Then they just lower the barrels and squeeze the triggers."

35. "My name is Wan and my sister's name is Wan."

36. "Dana's First Rule For Sex Tourist Engagement."

37. "KDS–Another product from Dana Industries."

38. " . . . bury his nose in Hitler's panties."

39. "Tropical perfume in a faraway land that distracts with postcard perfection."

40. " . . . zen Dana sex trance."

41. "Delivering eleven future bargirls was like delivering eleven three year olds on different pee schedules."

42. " . . . later in her lawyer's office . . . "

43. "My cock and my balls have been ripped off and flung to the ground."

44. "Most of the established Newtonian and Einsteinium laws of Physics have been discarded . . . "

45. "I have opened a bar."

46. " . . . any idea where I can pick up a gun?"

47. "A good place to die."

48. " . . . the place is packed with male meat."

49. " . . . the night becomes a long drawn out scream."

50. "Early Tuesday morning the body of world famous Stickmanbangkok. com writer Dana was found on the pavement outside the A. A. Hotel on the corner of Soi 13 and . . . "

51. "Got my mojo working."

52. "The crazy farang will give you 500 baht for nothing."

53. " . . . flying flaming dogs . . . "

54. "None of us want to go to America now."

55. " . . . his pet goose named Pogo."

56. " . . . a list of diseased Aids infected whores . . . "

57. " . . . stampeding buffalo around a single pronghorn antelope."

58. " . . . dancing fool midget waitress."

59. " . . . my very first sex act."

60. " . . . I rolled the dice for me. d"

61. "She had no arms and she had no legs. d"

62. " . . . tumor ridden koy fish."

63. " . . . a warzone of expats and pussy."

64. " . . . 46,000 one-eyed teddy bears."

65. "He knows she won't leave oil rig money."

66. " . . . on the road to Poona."

67. "I have guarantee."

68. "It's not just about the women you meet. It's also about the men you meet."

69. "No."

Hint: these quotes are from Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 2 to Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 200 only. Part 201 to 300 will be included in Quote Contest Part 2. None of the eleven stand alone titles I have written are included and there is only one quote per submission. There is no pattern or meaning to this. Just trying to have fun. Stuff I pulled out of my head. Think of this as something I did after I had too many drinks. You know, like the pyramids. They don't represent any opinion of mine about my best writing or favorite stories. There are only sixty-nine quotes from two hundred submissions and approximately three hundred stories. No quotes are from the Catapult series, and no quotes are from the Dana-Fa-Pattaya-Plane series. Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 13 is also not included. I did not write that. I think I do know who wrote that completely inaccurate lameass parody but so far it is the best kept secret on the Internet. And of course, no expats who owe me money can be awarded prizes. You knew that and you know who you are.

The quote game can be a fun game. In theory, the quote helps crystallize the story or essay experience. A diamond on a mountain path. But a mountain can have more than one diamond. Different diamonds for different folks also. In many cases I could probably go back to each submission and pull out completely different quotes and be just as happy or even happier.

How about you? What was it about the mountain that affected you the most? Was it the green flash you saw at sunset from the peak, or was it the offer for a better ruples exchange rate half-way up, or was it the subterranean rooms of calcium lit by naked bulbs of colored lights that left the biggest impression? Mountains and essays and stories of no particular aspect can sometimes stun you. The text lures you and then stuns you like the whipping tale of an electric fish.

"Hey" you think as you jacknife in the bathtub or in the bed. I thought I was just readin'. "His mother's blood?" "Black napalm rain?" "You could see everything?" "Penis in the marmalade?" You've been stunned by the electric pen of a whipping tale writer but you don't want to leave the water. In fact, you want to be stunned again. The quote is now something you crave. A new, besides food and water and shelter and sex, need has been added to your life list. Quote me again. Here, I'll strip off until I am completely naked; quote me again.

Now you and the writer are communicating, bonding. He has something you crave. You go back and reread, and reread, and reread. You print out a copy, and make margin notes, and do underlining. You email the story, or the essay, or the one act play, or the poem, or the song lyrics to friends. Sometimes a story has more than one startling quote. The mountain path is littered with diamonds under foot all the way up and all the way down. "Who is this guy?" you say to yourself. Someone at the top of the mountain might be exclaiming over the sunset show of the green flash but in the meantime you hear in your mind:

"My name is Wan and my sister's name is Wan."

What?

The quote game can be a fun game because it is personal. You pick'em. It's all about you. Here's an idea that will rock your world and make you sweat. Quote packin', or quotes as fodder. Think you are a good writer? Think you are clever? Ok, then write a story that includes all sixty-nine of these quotes. This'll make you sweat like a pig on a spit but you'll be smiling too.

From Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part Two to Thai Thoughts and Anecdotes — Part 250 there are approximately 350 stories and maybe 550 great text jolts. How about this for a great trivia game amongst family and friends? Gameboard, dice, and a stack of cards with Dana quotes. Name the story by title or number that the quote appears in and you get to move your game piece. Different values for each quote. For instance: anything from the Dana Fan Club manifesto is just too easy. You won't earn that many points. But how about something like:

" . . . tailors are shot on sight."

or

"Dogs bark to establish place and declare life."

or

" . . . pornographic constellations."

Jesus, where did these come from? Like I said, some quotes in the Dana Quote Game (DQG) will get you more points than other quotes. Another example? Well, many of my story titles were actually direct quotes from the text. It's what I do. For example: the essay title TRANNY SHEEP–THE FINAL FRONTIER is a repeat of what appears in the text. You aren't going to get a maximum number of points for guessing that one. Just too easy. But how about:

" . . . synapse activity of a bucket of paint."

or

"Glocken fon du four wood burr caddie chunder roo barbie."

or

", there he is with Miss Pink Bicycle."

These quotes are more demanding so you get more points in the Dana Quote Game (DQG).

Are there quotes so hard that they can turn the tide for you if you are losing? Yes, usually they are bits of confetti or little cheater quotes–parts of quotes. Guess these Dana Quote Game puppies and you are back in the game. Example:

" . . . draw them out and interview them."

And for bonus points: who is being drawn out? Answer: soi dogs. These are tough. Not tough for Dana Fan Club members but challenging for lay people.

Here is another example of a high point earner: "Pinpricks of light in our souls." Good luck.

Anyway, more Dana Quote Contests are coming. One of a general nature like this one and then contests that are themed. Examples: Catapult quotes, Dana-Fa-Pattaya-Plane quotes, Tranny quotes, Danaism quotes, and Astronomy-Physics-Science quotes. Like the hyena's laugh in the middle of the African night some specific quote subject ideas just get your attention. Genesis and Revelations have nothing on us. Send me your ideas. And of course I would love to do a Dana Quote Contest that featured quotes that enrage feminists. The farang–Thai writing genre produces some whopper quotes. All first place winners (69 out of 69) will receive On The Road To Poona T-shirts as part of their prize package. Make sure Stickman knows your size and color choice.

And finally, do you wish your own writing had more quote worthy material? Simple. Just pull from the list below and great quotes will inhabit your writing like fleas in a soi dog's groin. Sometimes it's just knowing how.

1. stygian
2. teeruk tantrum
3. death rattle
4. penis scraper
5. ballistic fecal matter
6. flip flopper from Soi 6
7. hugged me like a boa
8. Boardwalk Bing and Bong
9. nirvana of addiction
10. Walking Street wankers
11. Mickey Mouse underpants
12. Dana sighting
13. African lion's grunt
14. expat psychos
15. pinwheeling sexual nebuli
16. soft hands–hard heart
17. spastic yaa baa humping
18. Buffalo Bar
19. check bin hell
20. Mothership misunderstanding
21. A. A. Hotel apocalypse
22. trannie in my pants
23. mamasan's figure
24. Pattaya anesthesia
25. laughing and crying at Suvarnabhumi

And sometimes combining stuff like this can make you look like a writing genius. Example:

"The African lion's grunt in the stygian night reminded me of why I was looking for a penis scraper before going out to try and find my favorite flip-flopper from Soi 6."

Ok, bad example: this makes no sense. But you get the idea. If you have a thought like this at 3 a. m. you are guaranteed going to roll out of bed and start writing. I've rolled out of bed and then back into bed in the middle of the night answering the siren call of weird stuff like this so often I have damaged both shoulders. But I'm writing which means I am smiling.

Happy Quotes Everybody Dana


Stickman's thoughts:

Dana does it again!